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Jeremy Duff Sep 2012
Or at least help me die.
But I guess these are the same thing.
Whoops.
Jeremy Duff Apr 2014
"There are moments here:
only dots on an endless timeline.
All the motions of ordinary love"*


It's hard to find meaning,
but it's harder to excuse meaning.
It's harder to deny that these simple routines
of waking up and continuing
are meaningless.

Things happen.
More specifically,
today a boy told me that
people like me give him the energy to keep living.
I've thought a lot about that
and I'm still not sure why he would say that
but I am sure that he meant it
and even surer that if I all I can claim
to have accomplished in life is giving this lovely boy
energy to keep living
than my life will be worth having lived.

I am sure the endless monotony
of repetition will cease
and things will seem new and fresh soon.
I've tried to bring about these changes
by doing simple things;
I've stopped eating meat
and using painkillers,
I've bleached my hair white
and have been on dates with a very pretty, if not comely, girl.

The only way to change that which bothers me
on the inside is to change those things around me
that bring upon the molestation.

It's amazing how I can sit down and begin writing with no clear objective or outline and as I feel the energy of writing leaving me,
I feel as if i have accomplished something.
I look back on what I have written and feel
that I have helped myself achieve some sort of clarity,
I can turn the zeroes and ones into comfort,
I can turn the digitally remastered music into love
and I can feel it.

My uncle once told me he couldn't believe I could be sad,
that I wouldn't believe the things he's seen over seas,
both on and off duty, both as a soldier and as a traveler.
Maybe he's right,
maybe I shouldn't be sad,
but it's only when I'm alone I feel this way,
and even then it's only some of the time.

Three years ago I was close to taking my own life,
and I remember that then I was only happy when I was alone,
and even then it was only some of the time.
440 · Feb 2014
This Man Was Right.
Jeremy Duff Feb 2014
A man steps onto the sidewalk,
his new two hundred dollar shoes catch the sunlight.
He checks his watch.
Five minutes past noon, already.
He has twenty five minutes left for lunch
and however much he would like to go to The Blue Room and blow fifty bucks on lunch, he only has time to walk to the hot dog stand done the street.
"Oh well," he thinks, "maybe it will bring back some nostalgic memories of my father."
He laughs.

After taking one bite of his hotdog, he remembers how his father used to yell at him.
"Timmy," his father would say, "when are you going to get off your *** and earn money like a man? When are you going to make your father proud?"
His mother would yell from the next room, which would always spark an argument.
"John," she'd yell, "don't yell at my son! He's 14, he doesn't need a job!"
They would yell and yell and each time Timmy's father hit his wife, he would take another swig from his flask. He ended up drinking himself to death by the time John was in college (which his father never paid a time for).

Lighting up one-twentieth of a twelve dollar pack of cigarettes,
he began walking back to his office, where he made the better end of $90,000 dollars annually, after taxes.
He heard a voice beside him ask for a cigarette.
Turning around, not at all surprised with what he saw, he grudgingly handed one-twentieth of his twelve dollar pack of cigarettes to a *****, unshaven man.
"Thanks a lot, white"
"What was that supposed to mean," thought John.
"What the hell was that supposed to mean?" John asked the man.
"Chill out, white, man, I mean white collar, you know, rich boy?"
"You know why I'm a rich boy, huh dirt?" John never usually said such things but thinking about his father put him an a bad mood. As did the breaking down of his self tanner the night before.
"I'm a rich man because I work hard, and I don't sit around on my *** and *** smokes off a man who actually earns them. Why don't you get a job, huh? Why don't you stop being a *******? Why don't you stop being the black eye of modern America and do something with your life?"
John was breathing hard at this point. He would lose no sleep over saying those things.
The man smiled politely, and looked at John for a second, before saying:
"I don't make money, simply because I don't need money."
A pause.
"Do you realize why I don't need money? I don't need money because it isn't important. Do you know what is important?"
The man tapped his heart, and then his head,
"These are important. My heart is healthier than yours and so is my head. I am free. I can sit on the street corner and eat your scraps, or I can take a bus to California and eat Californian's scraps. I am free. I can do whatever I want, man. I can run with the bulls in Spain, I can run with the taxis here. But leave, your lunch our is almost over and we wouldn't your boss getting mad at you, would we? So run along, little slave, little slave to money. Have a nice day and thanks for the smoke."

The man left before John did.
John called in sick to work, and he was indeed sick.
How could this man possibly think he was better than John?
John didn't lose any sleep over what he said,
but he lost a lot of sleep,
and a lot of ***,
and a lot of money,
because this man was right.
John wasn't free.
438 · Nov 2013
Short Number Four
Jeremy Duff Nov 2013
As the windows fog
and the wipers wipe
I can't tell what is driving me away from this town.
The car I am in or the empathy you give me.
435 · Dec 2013
More
Jeremy Duff Dec 2013
I am
confused.

It isn't the first
time.
And it won't be the
last.

Would it be too brazen
for
me to say
it.

I feel that it
would
be slightly out of
place
for me to say
it.

But I like '
you.
And nothing can change
the
way I feel right
now.
Except maybe a
cigarette
and a hundred
more,
and also a
kiss
and a thousand
more.
434 · May 2014
Titled Number Forty-Two
Jeremy Duff May 2014
I've written three poems tonight,
and each one ended up in my waste basket.
Sometime after writing the third,
and giving up for the night
I realized what was wrong.

I wasn't writing about you.
433 · Feb 2013
Recently Pt. Three.
Jeremy Duff Feb 2013
I used to lie in bed at night thinking about the time we could spend together.
It soon switched to thinking about the time we had spent together.
And somewhere along the line it changed again,
this time into negative thoughts.
Resentful thoughts.
And recently, I'm not sure when
they became fond memories.
I could see passed the fog of loss
and into the ocean of happiness that we swam in together.

There still is that fog, I guess.
Somewhere along the line
I saw only your flaws.
I saw all the things people say when they talk about you.
I see the lies but I also see the fun.
And I'm not sure, I haven't decided yet, but I think you used me.
I'm not sure why you chose me,
or why I chose you,
but we chose to use each other.

Recently,
I can see everything clearer
and recently I've been seeing things in a brighter shade of orange.
431 · Aug 2012
Just Forgetting.
Jeremy Duff Aug 2012
When you finally get in bed,
                                                 do you go to sleep?
Or do you lie there and think about how much you've ****** up?
                                                                                                              who you've ******.
                                                                                                                                               who you've ****** up.
Does sleep come easy like it used to?
                                                              Of course not.

haha
How ******* stupid this is.
Why can't you just grow up?
After all, you are the adult.
I'm just a little boy and you ******* said it yourself.

I don't know why any of this happened.
                                                                    I don't know where we went wrong
                                                                                                                                or why.
I'm not that interested in finding out.
Just forgetting.

Why don't we make a deal.
I'll let you forget, if you let me forget.
Jeremy Duff Mar 2014
After years of fighting
I've learned to retreat
at the first sign of love.

If a tree is never given a chance to take root
it will not grow to bear poisonous fruit and if words never proclaim love,
then love can never be lost.
425 · Jan 2013
Obligatory New Years Poem.
Jeremy Duff Jan 2013
Maybe this will be my year.


*Maybe not.
Jeremy Duff Jun 2014
I remember the day we met.
Not the date, but the day.
Your best friend was dating my best friend and considering they were our only friends in the sixth grade, we spent a good amount of time together.

I haven't seen that friend in years and I doubt you've seen yours in just as long.

Please don't let that happen to us.
423 · Nov 2013
Short Number Two
Jeremy Duff Nov 2013
Pour a shot of your love,
I'll take it in one gulp.
Lying on the kitchen floor
with my stomach bursting
I swear I love you.
418 · Jun 2013
Two
Jeremy Duff Jun 2013
Two
The arrival of June ushered in a new era of heat.
The river, instead of being a place to have fun
became a mean of survival.
To escape the heat is clear your mind.
To dive deep and sink your fingers into the cold sand beneath the crest of the water
is to reach a state of true peace.

I would never tell a human being to smile more.
Smiling is something that when forced, holds more negative effects than not smiling.
A boy I love isn't smiling sincerely as much as he used to,
and I'm not going to tell him to smile more,
only that he deserves to.
The only thins this boy does is spread love and happiness.
Whether or not he has his guitar he creates music.
The manner in which he breathes causes love to occur.
418 · Oct 2012
Haiku (Mayhap)
Jeremy Duff Oct 2012
Chance upon my hand,
may hap we shall forget the
bottle for just a moment.
416 · Jul 2013
November (Again)
Jeremy Duff Jul 2013
When the nights are hot
and the doors are locked
and I'm not with you
I begin to wish for
a thousand more kisses
and a million more songs to remind me of you.

I wish for it to be November again.

Once a girl told me I kiss like I'm in a hurry
and I wasn't sure how to feel about that.

When I kiss you I feel as if
you're trying to fit a lifetime of kisses
into one single breath
and I feel as if
I never want to breathe again.
415 · May 2014
I Want You To Want Me
Jeremy Duff May 2014
I want it to be like it used to be.

Like it used to be before you kissed me on the front porch.
I'm not sure what triggered it but
you grew distant,
and I grew needy.

And now, here we are,
our short conversation last night our first in weeks,
with me blinking away tears,
and you,
apathetic,
smelling of jasmine
as if nothing were wrong.

You hold him as if to mock me.
Wait! I know it is not so.
I know you do not spite,
you do not stab with cold daggers,
you simply love and love
and I want some of your love for me.
413 · Jun 2014
Three Nights (Two Dreams)
Jeremy Duff Jun 2014
First Night (First Dream)

She is warm and she is soft.
She is a warm soft place that I like to be
and want to continue being in/around/with.

I dreamed of the first time her and I made love,
except it was different.
Everything was tinted blue
and there was less blood.

Second Night (No Dream)

Third Night (Second Dream)

You are warm, but I cannot remember your warmth.
I remember the touch of your hand
in likeness to the color of your hair;
orange and sun streaked.
But now you are gone (or leaving, I'm not sure)
and I'm begging you to stick around.
In my dream we were sitting on your neighbors porch,
kissing as we were that night.
Only this time, I was out of body, lingering around the Christmas lights,
screaming at you to stop,
because I knew I would not listen,
but you might.
As much as I miss you I'm just as upset with you.
You didn't cause my problems,
I didn't start popping pills because you made me sad.
I'm better now and I want to celebrate this with you
but you're gone. You continue to promise me you'll come back,
but actions speak louder than words.
Just let me be happy with my life without missing my best friend.
411 · Jul 2014
Bertran The Man Part Two
Jeremy Duff Jul 2014
He is far away now.

Since I first wrote about him,
we've grown quite a bit closer.
Reading poetry in his smoked out van using hushed tones.
******* can be a verb but to him it's an adjective,
he'd use it often;
"I ******* love that girl, Nolan"
"That's the ******* ****, man"

We crouched under an awning,
cigarettes in hand, trying to escape the rain.
We needed to read no poetry then,
we were poetry, him and I.

He'd put his arm around me
while I vomited.
He understood I was sick because of seeing her with him, it had nothing to do with *******,
but he was more than willing to pretend.

I miss that man,
Bertran the Man,
who stands with cigarette in hand,
atop his white van,
hearing the cheers of those not fans.

I love that man,
for he is good and whole and poetry
408 · Nov 2012
Haiku (4/11/12)
Jeremy Duff Nov 2012
Lie naked with me.
Forget everything, we are
the most important.
408 · Mar 2014
DISDAIN
Jeremy Duff Mar 2014
A heart beats inside my chest,
but is that sound enough evidence
that I can love,
or not hurt at best.

I try and I try and I try
but good feelings never come from my efforts,
so I take and I take and I take
and make beautiful people cry.

I should be tearing myself apart,
unearthing every sin
and dark place,
to find even the remains of a heart.
408 · Apr 2014
Today
Jeremy Duff Apr 2014
I give up, but only for a day.

I surrender today over to substances
and habits.

I give today to self loathing
and self pity.

I lend today to writing and erasing
writing and erasing
writing and erasing.

I allow today to not matter.
Jeremy Duff Dec 2012
The silence grows louder each day than the last.
It's time.
404 · Apr 2014
Be Cool (Edit)
Jeremy Duff Apr 2014
Just  by the method in which you breath
you create a sort of paradise for me to live in.
You're just my kind of man,
you're a stand up kind of guy.
Now yell at me until my eyes bleed
and stare at me until my ears pop.

Breath life into this breathless song
and breed the love until it is of pure blood.
God knows I'm bad with habits.
They pile up and I can't properly feed them.
So try to be cool.

The board snaps and the red light indicates the doors are secure
and the entirety of the manor rejoices when you walk in.
You're ten minutes late but you brought 4 grams of
cleverly disguised bad intentions and for that everybody is eternally grateful.
But I'll try and be cool.



I'm the only one who could ever have any fun
but that was only when I was with you.

So be cool.
404 · May 2013
Untitled
Jeremy Duff May 2013
I made a mistake and even Daski can't help.
The combination of it all makes me sick,
the revelation, the lack of cigarettes
and the fact that I unintentionally opened up our old Facebook chat.
And I read the last message you sent and every single one before that.
402 · Nov 2012
Clouds (10 W.)
Jeremy Duff Nov 2012
Being as the clouds
is a marvelous way to be.
399 · Jul 2013
Titled Number Twenty.
Jeremy Duff Jul 2013
I watched the film
not because she told me to,
but because she told me she enjoyed it.
You must understand how important this is.
Dedicated to KR, because she won't read it for a month or so.
397 · Jan 2013
How Hemingwaynian of You.
Jeremy Duff Jan 2013
If I'm not sad, I can't write.
If I can't write I become sad.
If I do write I become more sad.
I'm sad,
why can't I write.
I'm writing,
why aren't I sad.
392 · Oct 2013
Eleven Words
Jeremy Duff Oct 2013
We can live
only to the extent
of which we love.
Jeremy Duff Mar 2014
He stands,
cigarette in hand,
golden hair blowing in the wind.

Except it's not blowing because he cut it all off.
If you ask him why he'll tell you he doesn't know;
he just wanted a change.

He'll pick you up when you're
feeling blue and he'll calm you down
when you're feeling red.

With his hands he creates music
and with his mouth he creates laughter.
He is the essence of humanity.

He'll take notice when you do good
and he'll call you out when
you're acting like a ****.

He stands,
Bertran the Man,
atop his white van,
cigarette in hand,
short hair reflecting the sunlight.

He'll tell you he loves you,
only if he means it,
and by God he will make
you feel it.
390 · Jul 2012
Nothing(ness)
Jeremy Duff Jul 2012
There is nothing in this world that held my interest as much as you did.
But now you're gone and I've been floating around.
Wandering between groups and people, drugs and couches, love and hate.
And now, I am nothing,
The alcohol brings stink to my breath,
the hate brings bitterness to my thoughts,
the love brings regret to my life.
You brought these things to my life.
I shouldn't blame you
I shouldn't be that pathetic as to blame you for not getting my life in order.
But your voice will never leave my head,
your love will never leave my heart,
your face will never leave my nightmares.
Nothing will ever hold my interest as you once did.
390 · Oct 2013
Nine Words
Jeremy Duff Oct 2013
Stop killing time
and it will stop killing you.
Jeremy Duff May 2014
I got it all wrong,
I know I did.

I see now that every time I assume something
about you
and your actions,
I am wrong.

I assumed you were apathetic;
I was wrong.
I assumed you were distracted;
I was wrong.

Now I'm assuming that you're coming back
(Oh God! please tell me it is so)
but can't help but think I'm wrong.
388 · Nov 2012
Not A Haiku
Jeremy Duff Nov 2012
I am a liar,
I lied, I lied, I lied, I
lied. I am lying.
388 · Nov 2013
Thirteen Words
Jeremy Duff Nov 2013
It's all a copy
of a copy
of a copy
of love.
383 · Mar 2014
3/9/14
Jeremy Duff Mar 2014
I want to rip apart my flesh,
burn myself until no pieces are left.

I want to pull all my hair at
and shove it down my throat
so I can finally get some sleep.

I want to die
and I want to sleep forever
and I want to not hurt
or be hurt
or hurt
or be hurt.

I want to bury my face in the ground
so I can never say evil things again.
I want to **** everybody around me
so I will never feel jealous again.

I want to drown the ******* stars
so no one will ever look at them again.
383 · Jun 2013
Titled Number Eighteen.
Jeremy Duff Jun 2013
I don't know why it's been hitting me so hard these past few days.
Maybe it's the amount of time I've been spending with you,
or the realisation of how little time I have left to spend with you.

You keep telling me I'll survive and I know I will.
It's just that I don't want to.
And I hate that I have to.
381 · Mar 2014
GV1 (Not the Town)
Jeremy Duff Mar 2014
A beautiful face in a crowd,
with the somewhat in my direction looks.

The most beautiful face in a crowd,
with definite glances in my direction,
and just as many returned.
374 · Mar 2014
All With Silence.
Jeremy Duff Mar 2014
Blue light overlapping
a soft face.

She told me,
you are worthless.
When are you going to grow up
and stop using and stop stealing
and learn how to treat a girl right?

All with silence,
she said this.
All with silence,
she wouldn't look at me.
All with silence,
she drank,
and she wouldn't look at me.
372 · Feb 2014
There's Always Been You
Jeremy Duff Feb 2014
*** is
the only way I've been able
to satisfy my desire for you,
without sticking a straw in my nose,
or shoving pills down my throat,
or smoking god knows what.
*** is
the only way I've been able
to not cry out to you.
Yet,
somehow *** makes me yearn for you more,
*** makes me crave you more,
and *** makes me realize how desperately I want you.

It's always been you,
from the day I've met you.
There's been other girls,
too many other girls,
too few other girls,
and there's been you.
So unattainable,
so out of reach,
but not out of mind.
There's always been you,
and until you are in my bed,
until your fingers leave marks on my back,
until yours is the first voice I hear,
you will not be out of mind,
and even after then you will not be out of mind.
I'm not proud of myself for remaining so devoted to you, I am rather stricken that I fill my empty nights with sad girls, and dream of you with them in my bed
371 · Aug 2012
haiku 8/13/12
Jeremy Duff Aug 2012
The Coldness brings hate
and sadness. The light is going out now
how much time is left?
Jeremy Duff Oct 2013
Tonight the moon has a yellow tint to it.
I could not tell you if it is waxing or waning,
but I can tell you that it's beautiful.

Tonight your eyes rest in my mind.
I could not tell you what you look like right now,
but I can tell you that you are beautiful.
363 · Nov 2012
Haiku (November Parties)
Jeremy Duff Nov 2012
November parties
last longer than all others.
Yet they always end.
350 · Mar 2014
Pushed Down and Picked Up
Jeremy Duff Mar 2014
Even though I knocked them over
I walked in to find empty beer cans
stacked to form a tower on the table.

The air smelt of cigarettes and secret connotations.

A small house filled with many beautiful people
and many different kinds of alcohol
on a cold Saturday night.

**** and bad intentions littered the floor.

I can't help but shake the feeling
that something went wrong and that
she isn't smiling the way she used to.

You pushed me down and I couldn't help the words of gratitude spilling from my lips as you picked me back up.
348 · Feb 2014
Fourteen
Jeremy Duff Feb 2014
I told her I loved her
because it seemed an awfully grand thing to say.
346 · Oct 2013
China Grove.
Jeremy Duff Oct 2013
The sun rises slowly at first.
But wait, it will be high in the sky sooner than you think.
And again, before you know it, it will be setting.
Only now, it will take what seems like forever to die.

It will breathe it's last breathe
and then another
and then another.
It refuses to die; to sink.

The night time is tricky
because the stars will stay in seemingly fixed locations
but if, and only if you lie on your back with a loved one
you will see that they rotate and sing a song just for the two of you.
343 · May 2014
Faces
Jeremy Duff May 2014
A girl told me I have a front,
a face I put on.
She said she didn't know why,
but she imagine it's easier than wearing my own.

I asked her what she thinks my unmasked ((person?)) looks like.
She said she didn't know but she'd like to.
Jeremy Duff Jun 2014
She remind me of a flower.
In that she's pretty and makes me happy.
I want to pick twenty thousand flowers for her
and litter them across her room where they can dry up and get ground into the floor.

Everything takes time
and time takes everything;
Flowers, feelings, people.


I'm not sure why I've been thinking of flowers so often recently.
Perhaps I've been using them as a means to forget you.

No, not forget. I could never forget you.
To take my mind off you.
To take my mind off destructive things
and instead onto something pure
and calm and not sharp
331 · May 2013
Recently Pt. Four.
Jeremy Duff May 2013
I don't know how I feel about all of this
anymore.
I don't know what to think.
I hardly know how to think.

I only know that you kissed me once
and that you are moving many miles away.
Jeremy Duff Jun 2014
The bed was rocking so,
the movement of our bodies
caused my Rosary to fall on your face.

I'm not sure all that I want for you,
or all that I want from you,
but there are a few things I am certain of.

From you I would like a thousand more kisses,
two thousand more hugs
and maybe three more thousand kisses.

For you I want happiness. I want you to not have
to worry about him, be it your father, your friend,
your could-have-been lover.

But I understand that you need to figure out
how to not worry about these things on your own.
I can only wrap my arms around and hope to help.

For you I want happiness.
I want to be there for you
and for you I want happiness.
320 · May 2014
Untitled
Jeremy Duff May 2014
Looking on the ground,
under ***** socks
and empty cigarette packs,
I found my lighter.

I need it, I told myself
to **** the feelings that are coming up.

But no.
I wasn't running from the feelings,
I was trying to get high
so I could handle them.
So I could cope with them.
So I could **** with them
and shoot dope with them
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