Evil thoughts
Dead inside
Make believe
Black heart of mine
Conjuring up nothing
Not a pleasant sight
Just a lonely demon
Trying to buy his time
For the waste of life

It's so much easier to hate
Than to cultivate peace, love, and faith
Why should I care about the hereafter
Living day to day is hard enough
I see all the many disasters
And I realize it's tough
Like men and women before me
It's too demanding to live religiously

It ain't so much I don't like you
I once had feelings for you
I know you felt the same way
So why are we at a stand still
At a crossroads in life?
We had our fill
Now it's about ******* time
That we go our own way

It has been days
Since we've said two words to each other
We're not made of stone
Our feelings have changed
Now it's time to go our separate ways
And go down this road alone

Dead to the world, nothing matters anymore,
trying to find the keys to unlock these doors;
to my mind, to my heart, to the missing parts-
Of this life that has been misplace,
not knowing what's written on my face,
Is it love that brings me back,
trying hard to get on track,
and find the courage to open up,
And let these wounds heal?

It felt so good
To rise above the hurt
And all of the *******
The drama in my life
Has been vanquished
There is nothing I let
In without my permission
And hope has always
Been there to lift me up
In times I just wanted to
Give up

The more I think I know, the more I don't.

It wasn't what I wanted to take a look at,
There is fear behind the mask, the walls-
I have built up so you don't see the real me.
I seem to take a breath, something I'm not-
In control of,  my spirit rising up ever so-
Higher, ever so lower, the fire burns ever-
So painfully, and I faint by the wayside.

Life came like a tornado, destroying everything
In my path, leaving behind only my naked body-
To take care of the burns. I was lonely once,
Feeling frightened by seeing your face. I reached-
Out to you but there was only silence, a whisper-
In the dark, trying to find my way but I can't see-
The road. I was reaching for something but finding-
Nothing, only death and the fires of hell.

I can't see clearly now,
my eyes have blinders on.
I tried loving you,
but expectations got in the way.
I expected so much out of you,
you expected so much out of me,
how the hell can we be together-
when the front door is looking pretty good.

You've said your peace,
letting me know your love came piece by piece,
there was always something to disagree,
and you made me feel alone in this relationship.
You wanted to change me to fit your own selfish needs,
all it seemed like you cared about was to get high.
All  I ever wanted was a little honesty,
but you wouldn't open up to me and share.

I tried being your friend,
but you wouldn't let me in,
and I get so upset for the way I cared.

I can see clearly now,
you never loved me the way I loved you.
There was always a stipulation-
for the way you felt about me.
Sorry, but now I have to leave-
only to save my sanity.

Reflecting on honesty
Has kept me safe
The turmoils of self
It's really not about the chase
Possessions, money, and glamour
What does it all mean?
If I'm not true
Then happiness is but a dream
Then everything I have attained
Is a stone throw away
From being forever lost in the way

Feeling lost
Alone
Afraid of what might be
Trying to find a place
A home
In this ******* world
No turning back
Must find myself
It's hard to get on track
When I wish to be somebody else

I want to be you
Cause you're really smart
I want to be you
Cause you're good looking
I want to be you
Cause you''re rich
Reaching out for answers
Ain't life a *****?


I can't find a clue
I can't answer the riddle
I'm not going much of nowhere
What the **** am I doing here?
What's the use anyhow?

Goodness eludes me
I wallow in self-pity
The night closes in
As the sun says goodbye
The tears from my eyes
Hurts no one today
Sometimes I wish
The pain would go away
But it's only a dream
To hope for renewal
Where are the rewards
Of doing the right thing?
It's nothing to expect
Just a lost cause
From a moment's notice
To dying for relief
As this veil of darkness
Ceases to be in me

The darkness can't smother me
I won't turn out into the monster
I know I can be.  So much darkness
In my soul, I need to break my hold
And fly with the angels.

The monster is in my head
Waiting patiently to explode
For years it has plagued me
Into submission, I need to let
Go and fly with the angels

I look around and see the
Beauty in things, so much is there
The monster deep within can't
Take that away from me

Only if I let it...

Sometimes I wish I could fly,
Soar above the misty mountaintops,
Come swooping down to catch a meal,
A feast I share with my family.
Nesting in a tree,
Sometimes I wish these things for me,
Is it so hard to see,
That life is harder than it's made out to be.
Sometimes I wish I could just disappear,
Vanish without a trace,
Like the ring on the Hobbit,
I would put it on and leave this place.
Sometimes... I wish...

There goes
a crackling sound
the cans exploding
going down the wastepipe
The screams
The yelling
The fighting
What was this to be
it isn't hard to see
the tears from your eyes
wanting a better life
not the one you're in
you could of have never predicted this
it sure as hell wasn't on your wish list
It wasn't your dream
of being with a man like me
hearing the sounds
of cans opening constantly

Note to self:
***
Am I here for
Just to die
Just to wither away
Into nothingness
Is it that bleak
Isn't there any beauty
Or is it all darkness
Trying to smother me
Taking it's pain of mine
And killing the things worth while
In life, this ******* up life
That has brainwashed my mind
I read this and that
Trying to find hope
But all I find is disaster
And with it comes torture
Trying to mold me in such a way
But I try not to let it get to me
What I am is so confused
So i write about that confusion
I read about the confusion
So find some meaning
I have found mine
It's in the pen I pick up
And squibble magic on paper
I read the magic of others
And I can relate
Put it on paper
And let imagination spark
And write about life
The ***** little things
That plagues our minds
Speak the truth
And find some meaning
It all begins with you
And the letters within

Come and take my hand
I'll lead you to the promised land

I'll wrap my arms around you
Hold you close to my chest

There will be much to do
I'll try my very best

To make you feel right at home
You'll never be alone

I'll give you more than enough
You'll never want after anything

The road won't be rough
I'll give you my grandmother's diamond ring

Won't you come with me
The journey will be free

And life will take on new meaning
Won't you come and find hope with me

If there will ever be a time
The time is now

I have your beautiful eyes in sight
We will make it work somehow

Don't got any money
Don't have a place to live

We'll bumb off my mommy
And thInk we're living good

It's just so ******* funny
We're living the way people should

Who cares what people say
I'll get the car from my dad

We'll go riding today
And won't feel so bad

We're living the right way
There's no reason to feel sad

I'll get you into bed
And we'll make a baby

After all that is said
I'll run off with your best friend

Leave you high and dry
But for sure take my hand

I'll make you feel like you want to die
But for sure I'll lead you to the promised land

I've been a slave to your misery
So many things I want say to you
I hope you can see it's not that bad
But whatever I say isn't getting through
You have a roof over your head
And food to eat, you can pull down
Your pants and take a **** in peace
You have toilet paper to wipe your ***
Little things exactly like that.
Walking outside and feel a warm breeze
The sensation allows you to be
A part of the air
Seeing birds flying high upstairs
Touching the heavens with their wings
Knowing these moments won't come back
Little things exactly like that
Sitting down and looking at the raging river
Flowing from side to the other
Fish jumping and splashing around
Everything is on track
Little things exactly like that
Holding your daughter's hand
Soaking in the beauty on her face
The smile that comes across her lips
That everything feels at place
Knowing peace is so elusive
But right now there it is
Taking a hold of you
And making little more things
To be thankful for

I"m not the same person I used to be people

I gave in like you knew I would
Empty feelings left abandoned
Loneliness take hold of me
And I fall far from grace
Sick and tired of this place
Once again I'm blind to see
That something takes a part of me
And I'm left holding the bag so to speak
It isn't easy trying to behave
I've given way, stuck in pain
And had a hundred people torn to pieces
Their heartfelt cries I leaned on
But nothing truly rescued me
From the hell I put myself through
It was you all along, making it right
Setting me free from my own ****
Now it's time to say thank you
As I trudge through the night
And cast out my own demons from it
I don't really know where I'm coming from
But today it's better than feeling undone

Infected with your love
Something I've never felt before
It's only what dreams are made of
Wishing for it more and more
I've seen the other side
Oh, how I don't want to go back there
So much hate lasting a long time
Just swelled up with so much pride
And I wasn't built today to dare

Am I going blind?
These realities aren't mankind
Something special in the way I feel
It ain't all that different anymore
I seem to be able to move mountains
And be able to journey beyond the sky

The words are hard to say
but it seems like that's all I've been saying
since I could walk and talk
How many times have I said them
without even knowing what they mean?
My actions speak volumes
and my mouth is a viper
I could not do it again
or I can tell you off
and make matters worse
But once I give in and surrender
to the fact I hurt you where these words
have to be said, trying to make right what
became wrong.

I can see the truth,
You're so needy-
I want to let you go.
I want to let you know-
That I am not alone,
The stars gives me light-
On this path I"ve sown.

You talked to me about caring
How I could ever not be broken?
It doesn't register in your mind
Fixed ideas of how I should live
What kind of person would you have me be
I'm just the monster inside your head
I'll never be free, getting along with you
Just as long as you keep me down

You think you're so much better
So much wiser than anyone else
You're as ugly as I am
Your true colors showing yourself
Your life is as ****** as mine
No reason to carry on
I'll never try again to shine
To make you feel alright
I'm done with you this time

I know it's true,
why the longing face?
I know all about you,
you're a ******* disgrace.
You lied to me,
telling me it's going to be okay.
Now I see,
why you're running away today.
All of it was lies,
how can you be so cruel?
I'm burning inside,
why I ended up the fool.
I just want to tell you off,
let you know how pathetic you are.
You're a ******* joke,
my ears are bleeding,
with the ******* you are spewing.

What the hell are these dreams for?, I need to put action behind my words
and let everyone know who knows me that I'm not ******* around this time.  I've had my bouts with practically everything imaginable, don't know what the hell I would be if I didn't hurt inside, conjuring up images of suicide in my mind, I reach for the knife but always something rescues me from doing the same thing I see others do with impunity. Christ, I'm not alone in this ******* world, everyone has a bad day here and there.
Try a lifetime of trying to fool others to believe I'm something when in reality I'm not, just a survivor like those around me, trying our ******* best to exist. Though it's different now, can't play the ******* game like I did before, it's time to grow the **** up and leave the ******* out the door. Who's to say where I'm going to be ten year down the road? I just pray that my family will be with me and will be better off then we are now.

Why all the pain and misery,
Can't you find anything to be happy over?
You woke up and are able to walk on your feet,
You have the love of your family.
Why do you insist on being depressed,
There is a lot to be grateful for?
It doesn't have to be a lonely road,
You can get right with others;
All you have to do is surrender,
let the joy flow into you.
It will be a better way of life,
So many happier thoughts,
And a life that is true.

Soon the truth will be awaken, and the lies once hidden will
Come forth from the ashes of being relentless
It will shatter the past, and make way for a better tomorrow.
It comes like a bolt of lightning, and then age takes hold
Looking back throughout the way, a life well lived
It forms by the wrinkles on one's face
And white color in one's hair or no hair at all
Wisdom is the truth and wisdom isn't hidden no more

I cry for ******* balance
but all I get in return is ******* chaos.
Nothing neat and tidy,
just trying to survive the storm.
I look around at the world
and find no solace in anything,
everyone is in too much of a hurry
and it drives me ******* crazy.

The more I don't know, the more humble I am.

I grind my teeth
Your words left a sour taste
In my mouth
What am I suppose to do
When you're yelling at me?
So much belittling
So much I feel small
I can't take it anymore
I want to disappear
I unlock the door
And walk out into the night
So cold and I am scared
I keep walking
I have no clue where I am going
But any place is better where I'm at
I can't see in front of my face
I hear the sound of a dog barking
So I turn around and walk back home
Thoughts of getting my *** beat
Came across my mind
But at this point I didn't care
If only I had a place to go
I wouldn't have to run back home
With my tail between my legs
All because of being scared
And not knowing where I was going

The day seem like forever
Forever holding your hand
I don't want to let go
I might lose you in the wind
I shall forever be searching for you
Are you out there my beautiful friend?
We are like shooting stars in the sky
We make a wish and are surprised
That it does come true in time
How can two souls relate
When it seems like we are doomed
Trying hard to discuss the problem in a healthy way
Instead of flying off the handle
There seems like a force keeping us together
Or I would of been alone ages ago
And finding you would of never been in the picture

I crumble beneath
The sea of sorrow
My tears are shed
On the white pillow
I toss and turn
Trying to fall asleep
But my eyes burn
And there seems no relief

Insonomonia plagues my inner being
Days gone by without any peace
What is peace anyway
When I haven't slept in days?

I know a few things
Experience has taught me that
I can be a wonderful act
Only in my ******* up mind
I'm an illussionist
So many faces I wear
I'm not good in public
I put on a fascade
Make the most of it
It isn't what I decided
It just how things are
Trying to be a believer
When all else fails

It's sad I don't stand for anything
I pretty much don't ******* care
Why the **** should it matter
To me which road to go down
That you want to **** your baby
Isn't it your decision after all?
I just don't ******* understand
Why people get so ******* mad
They're not the ones who have
To raise the baby from a baby
And ninety percent of the time
The guy hits the road and run
They know deep down they're
Not ready to give up their life
They're not done partying and
*******, they could care *******
Less that they become farthers
So its left up to the girl to
Decide what to do, and ninety-
Nine percent of the time they
Choose life, they can't think of
Any other way. Some choose to
Abort but even that has to be
The biggest decision of their
Heart and soul. Why the ****
Do I think that it's my choice,
Like I had a say so in it, it's not
My life. And to say I stand for
Something is a joke, women
Have it the hardest. I could ñever
Be in that position and have to
Decide which course to take.

I can't see the light
Farther into the night
The darkness reigns in
The terror begins

Falling far from grace
Further into the waste
Tortured in the soul
Don't have no where to go

Trying to find the key
Life is a mystery
The day turns into mud
Oh, how I have become numb

I try to get away
But the darkness pulls me back
It's really hard to say
How to get right on track

People like to trear me down
Why the **** should I care about them?
What comes around goes around
They'll get theirs in the end

I try to live a life of peace
But the chaos is all around
It has me on my knees
Praying for higher ground

It seems I'm lost out to sea
The boat has crashed
No one around to rescue me
Life is kicking my ***

I reach out for the sun
But only end up blind
Heaven is left to no one
Hell envelopes the night

The days are going by so quickly
And I'm left feeling out of place
No more sacrifices, just trickery
And I'm falling far away from grace