I reach out for you but you're gone
Vapor of loneliness hides the mask inside
I can't even dream of a better time
It's such a dark era in my life
I hurt so badly and just want to die
But the pain helps with the insanity
That goes through this mind
I hear only a faint whisper of you
And the rest of the sound disappears
I can't help but wonder where you are
Do you wonder where I drifted off to?
I see the dandilions waving in the wind
The smell of fresh cut grass tickles my nose
I fear all has passed away in the twilight of reason
And there is not a soul to touch this broken season
Cast out of the streets of happiness to a ghostly kind
Taken stock of what craziness one will find
And the threshold is an open book of words devine
But all is lost from the moment this thought perks up
And takes form into the very essence of dark light

And I tried giving you my love

But all you wanted was my

Money

Something is taken hold of me
An evil I don't want to let in
But it is here nonetheless
I want to hide from the darkness
I don't want to act on my thoughts
Or everyone I despise will be dead
I cringe to think of the devastation
A lot of blood would be spilled
I try to hold back these thoughts
Wondering if I'm extremely ill
No, it's this darkness surrounding my head
Wouldn't it be nice to sacrifice these ones who deserve it

It isn't hard to see
the man in the mirror
the boy I still am
watching the world
pass me by so quickly

Once scared
of different things
now I must move onward
despite the fears I have

For years I had a belief
never gave gratitude
a fair share

Always *******
Always complaining
praying for this and that
**** I should of never
been praying for to
begin with

I turned away
I walked away
I found life
seeing it at a
new and strange angle
a whole vibrant level

It's in mother nature
the beauty and chaos
It's in the darkness
It's in the light
It's in living
It's in dying
It's wonderful
and tragic
filled with a lot
of magic

Down and out
Feelings of loneliness
Flying high on the wings of despair
Can't seem to live a peaceful life
Everyone wants to **** with me
Who knows what tomorrow will bring
Maybe I'll burn the whole ******* down
Cause what comes around goes around
I'm ******* sick of it all
Want a better way of doing things
But you got me tied against the wall
And there isn't a point in smiling
Nothing to smile about here
I just have a no energy left anymore
Nothing to be sincere
I'll just close this ******* door
And find a way to disappear

Send me down to the pit of despair
I wish I didn't have to go there
Through the thorns of agony and pain
Once again I've caused my own misery today

My fault is I'm alive
In a world that doesn't make sense
Too much anger aimed at "who?"
Too much violence
I can be evil, it doesn't take much brains
All the while watching the world burn up in flames
I can be happy about it, it doesn't mean much to me
What the hell are we fighting for if it's not peace?
Running away from this avenue
All because I'm afraid to
Terror has me clutched in it's grip
Holding tightly around my neck
No positives, just negatives I see
except this gun I hold around my waist
I feel secure, so does my family
I'll **** you in a blink of an eye
If you try to come between us and our home
Am I evil for protecting what's right
Or is there much more to the story?
The one where I give out love with my hand gun
Like it ever came down that I cared
I care who I place first in my life
And right now you aren't in it
Call me mean or a hypocrite
I really don't mind
But for now it's about saving lives
I feel everyone should carry
It would be like the old west
A lot more people would think twice
Of who to **** with

Turning away from the darkness,
the negativity that had me down for a long, long time.
Trying hard to do what is right,
and make some sense of why;
why did I hurt the ones I love?
now they don't even trust me,
and I don't blame them
because most of the time I don't even trust myself.
But now it's totally different,
I'm a working process.
Not am the man I used to be,
and all the credit goes to God Himself.
Though I still like to cuss,
that's something I'm working on.
I smoke way too much,
and drink coffee like there isn't going
to be anymore when I wake up.
Don't be too upset reading my poems,
vulgarity just comes with the territory.
I just pray down this road of life
I will change some more.

I can't set you free
That's not how it works
I am only one among many
So much to do it hurts

I can't capture a moment
And filter it out for you
So many people can be spent
So much anger it's true

The days are long and unimpressive
Sick of all of the short cuts in life
I try to be one who is decisive
But it can't change the picture in your mind

Here comes a long list of things to undo
Unravel the past and make the future right
If only my faith wasn't stuck like glue
I would be able to set matters right

I would be able to set you free...

Buying time
I don't know why
I don't want to tell the truth
Of how I lost my mind
I look at you
And you seem put together
Like nothing bothers you
I on the other hand
Can't accept life
No, can't accept the way
Things are
I try and I try
But it's a useless cause
A useless attempt
I want to be for sure
Though I know I'm not
I feel like the world is on
My shoulders and I can't
Get this monkey off my back

I see the darkness rolling in
The sky looks mirky and bleak
In the distance i see death
Holding a scicle made of steel
He points his finger at me
Wanting me to come to him
I slowly take a step
My legs are like jello
I hear my heart beating fast in my ear
Maybe he just wants to say hello
And make things all so clear
I make the journey to him
And he held out his hand
What I saw was my life flash before me
Like a bolt of lightning my mind crackled
And the screeching sound was piercing
Causing blood to seep out of my ear
I fell to the ground screaming "why!?"
And death hissed from his lips
Saying, "you're not so better than anyone else."
I cried, "what can I do?"  And death replied,
"Go,  and live your life right."

My taste buds are dying
As I try to feed my palate
Nothing is freeing my eyesight
I'm as blind as can be
So hellish from my dreams

From the North comes a storm
The lightning is striking out in the distance
The thunder banging loud like drums
And there still isn't a sign of you coming home

I can't feel you anymore
My touch has gone to waste
I am perplexed
I grab hold in haste

Deafening sounds fill my ears
The silence is so hard to break
I'm not sure what is clear
I am lost for words
everything was at stake
But now all is flashing goodbye
Like the lightning in the sky
The sound of laughter no more
Like the sound of thunder
Once there
Then fading as I close this door

Evil thoughts
Dead inside
Make believe
Black heart of mine
Conjuring up nothing
Not a pleasant sight
Just a lonely demon
Trying to buy his time
For the waste of life

Love, what the ****?
Am I only the fool who has no clue
What it truly is?
Is it forever being with someone
Knowing the flaws of that person
And still want to be with him or her?
I'm not for love, it burns like the sun
I have cared for and thought I was in love
But it was only a myth, a dream of a dream
I can only hope for it one day but the chances
Are it will never find a madman like me.

I can be such a phony
So fake, such a fake
I wish I could turn back time
The world wouldn't of got a hold on me
But it's too late now
The world is my master
And I'm just a slave to it
Better give in like I always do
And dream of a better view

Seeing my reflection was hard to reflect,
The pain I caused others I wanted to object,
But it was a reality just as breathing,
This hollow face that I was seeing.
The tears flowed from my eyes,
To think I was the one to cause the pain,
It wasn't much to forget about life,
And try really hard to run away.
But now I have to face my sins,
And try really hard not to do it again,
To do a 180 and find a different ninche,
It's shouldn't be that hard to find meaning and purpose.
I have taken so much out of life,
Reaching deep down in my heart is about time,
And find the courage to change my ways.

I walk amongst the dark,
struggling to find my way.
I have played the role,
and then I strayed.

I look into the sun,
blinded by the fire.
I can't run much longer,
my life hasn"t got any brighter.

What the hell am I suppose to do,
I wannt to grab at the light
but I'm stuck, feeling unglued.
I have goodness in sight
but the darkness takes me down
to a place I don't want to go.

I don"t want to go.
No, not that way.
I want to take it slow,
and find myself.

Find myself in the music of the spheres.
Find myself in mother nature.
Find myself in the mirror,
and let it all become clear.

It felt so good
To rise above the hurt
And all of the *******
The drama in my life
Has been vanquished
There is nothing I let
In without my permission
And hope has always
Been there to lift me up
In times I just wanted to
Give up

Feeling stupid
to think you could ever love
a man like me
I gave you everything
and it still wasn't enough
You wanted my pride
My dignity
How much I cried
to find out you were never alone
You had your, "friends"
Never once did I say
to give **** up
But you went away
and I strayed away
Now I'm the *******?
What a ******* hypocrite!
You would smoke it up
and I wanted to drink
But either way
I stayed away
Left you high and dry
And now I'm the *******?
when all you did was tease me
broke my heart a hundred times over
You knew what you was doing with me
It wasn't like we were playing house
And you wanted my soul
and everything in between
But mostly my money
a hundred dollars for crack
and like a ******* ******
I gave in
All because of your sexiness
I wanted in your pants
How can I be such a fool
to think we could be together?
to love?
to hold each other?
to whisper sweet things in our ears?
No, it turned out all wrong

Searing, burning
My eyes staring into the dark
With the world turning
Everyone wants to feed on the spark
I kiss goodbye the daylight
And reach out to the night
Finding a home where I go
Realizing I'm never alone

The raindops have fallen more time than I wish it would
No snow to cover the ground the way I wish it should
The spirit of Christmas seems lost in our hearts
No forgiveness, just another depressing day to start
Where is this thing I have learned called love
Would it matter how many presents I give to you
Even the heavens are shedding their tears above
What does a person long for, what must he or she do?

There is a constant yearning
I feel it in my heart
A tug pulling me in a direction
Of light and love
I have searched for the truth
Again and again I have failed
Looking through the hourglass
I see my life fading away slowly
Like pebbles in the sand
I walk ever so gently to understand
Where I must go
Where I must be
Where I find my destiny
It's not so much clear
But I have the peace it will all appear
And the hope that abundance will find
It's way to me

I don't know myself
Do I even care?
I hope that I do
Nobody is going to care for me
No one is going to take my hand
And lead me where I need to go
Nobody is going to tell me I'm
Making the wrong choices
And I need to to make better decisions
I try to do the opposite of what
I've always done but that in itself is difficult
My first instinct is to make a mess out of things
Hurt the ones who really mean a lot to me
I don't even know if I appreciate life
That it would better if I just die
But I trudge the road of confusion
Because I don't know how to live right
Would it be better if I gave in
Surrendered to a better source?
I believe it would help my thinking head
Always racing thoughts of past mistakes I've done and said
Not only that, it's delusional most of the time
All I want to do is to be able to feel fine
Someone told me to have self respect
Hell, I don't even know what that is
I have too much contempt for people
Not a good place to be in my mind
Though nobody is going to help me live right
And take my hand during the day and night
And show me a better way to live then what I've been doing
No, I better start caring or I am a dead man
I don't want to die and people say he was an *******

What a complete ******* I have been, treating the one I loved the most like ****, hurting her in a way that is inexcusable, taking away the place she called home and we were united under one breath. Too many things went on, another person came along and I chose to uproot her life by cheating on her with this person. Why did I choose such a path? Did it come down to ***? I can't pin-point my sin or sins but nevertheless it was wrong, the road I chose lead me to hell and back to hell again. Karma has a funny way of finding me when I'm doing wrong, when I'm doing things that aren't right to the universe. I wrote this woman a nasty letter while she was away for a little while, paragraphs of **** spewing onto paper just because I had a belief of a life not going right with her but it went okay when we were together. The other person was a mistake, lead me straight to handcuffs and a life of complete turmoil. Why did I go that route, only God can explain it to me because I sure as **** can't.

Nothing is the way it seems, just a dream, trying to-
Run from the darkness but it grabs a hold of my-
Heart and makes me bleed. I hit the floor, it seems-
I'm on my knees, crying out but not being heard.
No one can hear me scream,  I'm making the face-
But no words are coming out of my mouth. The-
Demons in my head are talking to me, wanting me-
To give up the fight. Hell seems like it's following-
Me, I'm blind to see the truth, chaos bringing me-
Down, and it seems like everywhere I go I drown.

Goodness eludes me
I wallow in self-pity
The night closes in
As the sun says goodbye
The tears from my eyes
Hurts no one today
Sometimes I wish
The pain would go away
But it's only a dream
To hope for renewal
Where are the rewards
Of doing the right thing?
It's nothing to expect
Just a lost cause
From a moment's notice
To dying for relief
As this veil of darkness
Ceases to be in me

Precious, oh so precious
Like fine wine
We see our standards
And try to live up to them with time
But like our humanity
We tend to fall short
That's what makes us stronger
In our difficulty we see the light
We rise from our pain
And see a beautiful way
A way not yet thought of
Only dreams flourishes into reality
And the fires of hell burns brightly
The strength that says we're not going to give up

**** this and **** that
It's all ******* anyway
I would like this and that
But we all have to pay
Wouldn't it be nice
If there were no killings
No wars to fight in
No murders on the streets
But that's not the way it is
Have to be ******* politically correct
Or get shot for using your imagination
The times are hard, so ******* scary
Will there be any brootherhood among us?
So much hatred, so very little peace
Too many people along the sidelines not to trust
But that's the way it goes, it time to get used to it
Make the most out of it, carry a ******* gun
I'll protect my family before I'll protect you
I'll **** someone ******* with them and
Not even think twice, does that make me
A madman or is it self-preservation?
So it's a matter of survival than anything else
It is the times, get ******* used to it!

I can't put you down
you've been a part of my life for so long
everywhere I go, I take you along with me
never once thought of any other way
Everywhere I go, I take myself along
Wouldn't it be nice just to drift away?
Has it been a problem?
Yes!
But it feels so ******* good
and that's why I can't put you down.

It ain't so much I don't like you
I once had feelings for you
I know you felt the same way
So why are we at a stand still
At a crossroads in life?
We had our fill
Now it's about ******* time
That we go our own way

It has been days
Since we've said two words to each other
We're not made of stone
Our feelings have changed
Now it's time to go our separate ways
And go down this road alone

The more I think I know, the more I don't.

It's so much easier to hate
Than to cultivate peace, love, and faith
Why should I care about the hereafter
Living day to day is hard enough
I see all the many disasters
And I realize it's tough
Like men and women before me
It's too demanding to live religiously

The negativity tries to show it's ugly head,
the hatred swells up inside.
Wishing chaos would go away,
lugging around the contempt in my mind.

Neglecting what is right,
disregarding what is true.
Hoping light will dance within,
and rescue the soul from the abyss.

Image a furnace in your mind,
hot coals full of peace.
Put the emotions of negativity in there,
once and for all get rid of the disease.

Unblocking the hatred inside,
the thoughts are now at ease.
Channeling goodness in my mind,
once and for all get rid of the disease.

Note to self:
***
Am I here for
Just to die
Just to wither away
Into nothingness
Is it that bleak
Isn't there any beauty
Or is it all darkness
Trying to smother me
Taking it's pain of mine
And killing the things worth while
In life, this ******* up life
That has brainwashed my mind
I read this and that
Trying to find hope
But all I find is disaster
And with it comes torture
Trying to mold me in such a way
But I try not to let it get to me
What I am is so confused
So i write about that confusion
I read about the confusion
So find some meaning
I have found mine
It's in the pen I pick up
And squibble magic on paper
I read the magic of others
And I can relate
Put it on paper
And let imagination spark
And write about life
The ***** little things
That plagues our minds
Speak the truth
And find some meaning
It all begins with you
And the letters within

What happened to the day,
it seems so dark and gloomy?
Can't seem to get away-
from the pain inside my head.
So much has been said,
so much has been laid to rest,
wishing all was well,
wishing for the best.
Though nothing goes right,
everything is just a nightmare.
Can't have you by my side,
what does it matter anyhow?
Feeling all the pressure,
it's takes place in my mind.
The day turns cold, dark and lonely.
Oh, how I want things to turn out alright.
Though I'm here in my own hell,
where there is no lights.

The darkness can't smother me
I won't turn out into the monster
I know I can be.  So much darkness
In my soul, I need to break my hold
And fly with the angels.

The monster is in my head
Waiting patiently to explode
For years it has plagued me
Into submission, I need to let
Go and fly with the angels

I look around and see the
Beauty in things, so much is there
The monster deep within can't
Take that away from me

Only if I let it...

There wasn't much more to say

I had to go no matter what

You couldn't make a decision

You wanted everything to remain the same

But my heart had to leave

Because there was no way of killing my spirit

I had to soar above and beyond

Away from all of the chaos

Reflecting on honesty
Has kept me safe
The turmoils of self
It's really not about the chase
Possessions, money, and glamour
What does it all mean?
If I'm not true
Then happiness is but a dream
Then everything I have attained
Is a stone throw away
From being forever lost in the way

I don't remember
Hurting you this bad
I must done a wallop to your heart for you not to return my calls or text messages.
I must of made you cry for hours on end and days to come.
It could of happened that way
But I totally doubt it.
Oh. Hurting your heart is a possibility cause we have a daughter together and to get back at me is to not return my calls and text messages for months on end. You know how
Much that bothers me and it does ****** me off but there's nothing
I can do about it if you want to act like a little baby. All I want is to talk to my daughter. Why is it that the children are the ones who suffers and the more one tries not to make that happen the more it seems like everything is just gets lost in the wind.  And I can't remember everything that made you angry about me. Apparently you was taking notes.

I can see the truth,
You're so needy-
I want to let you go.
I want to let you know-
That I am not alone,
The stars gives me light-
On this path I"ve sown.