I hope you're proud of yourself
The accolades you have
Those trophies on the shelf
Proof of the effort you gave

I wish you every success
On this road you've chosen
That you may brave the process
And gain more devotion

I know the higher you climb
The harder you will fall
And vindication takes time
Even if it does crawl

Hold on to the memory of sunshine
Yellow rays turned to a white blaze
Warming you to the inside
Burning life into you.

Hold on to the halcyon days
Of early sunrise and late sunset
When you had all the time
And none to waste.

Hold on to the promise of light
Rare in these grey days
A pale watery imitation
Glimmering in the clouds

Hold on to these gloomy spells
Where dawn and day and dusk
Have melted into the same
And your stocks are empty
That you might bask longer
When the light returns

Let's not leave this spot
This little piece of the universe
For which we have fought
To keep for just us.

We'll stay inside today
Make our resolutions for the year
A map that shows us the way
For all the days in our lives' calendar.

Let's not go outside yet
Into the never ending storm
It's safe in this our cosset
Together we can keep warm.

We'll create a beautiful memory
Watch films and make meals
A 24-hour remedy
To combat the year's ills.

Something about the path is familiar
The way it winds and twists
Leading you back on yourself
The curious way that tree grows
A particular heap of stones
Placed just so
To snag a bit of cloth
Its unusual pattern unmistakable
These vestigial footprints
That somehow fit your next step
And you've heard that raven call
Waking hazy memories
As you continue doggedly
Through these half lit woods
Ever on the way out
Never realising until you
Drop down the rabbit hole again.

Late nights see you lingering
Over the final cup of tea
And that one last cigarette
Alone in the growing silence
Relief from the earlier bustle
While the moon slowly fades
Making way for a new day
Which you aren't ready to meet

My ma likes to tell
Of me as a babe
Grouchy and contrary
I never went to bed
They'd had to pop me in the car
And before we'd round the block
I'd have nodded off
These days I'm much the same
Huddled behind you
And sheltered from the wind
My hands in your pockets
Sleep comes easy
When we're on the road

I used to feel like a kite
Meandering in the skies;
No way to sit tight.
I hoped to form some ties
With my fellows in flight
But few were deserving allies
Less were worth the fight.
I've since learnt to be wise
Why try to cure the blight
When there's better enterprise?

Take my hand
We'll walk through the maze together
I may not love you the way you want
But I will always be your anchor
For the moments of gaiety and fun
And all the times you feel unsure

Take my hand
It won't be long till dark clouds gather
And though this route is often shunned
I will be your most steadfast shelter
So let the storm howl and the winds cant
Our future only holds fair weather

Take my hand
Our journey only grows farther
Despite the obstacles that sought to daunt
We've emerged the stronger
As true and honest souls are wont
Against open smiles and hidden dagger

*Take my hand
Open your eyes and look closer
I will never show you a false front
So come back before you fall deeper
Break rank from that merry jaunt
And I promise you a cause that's worthier

We'd thought the war was over
The major battle and
All the petty skirmishes
We'd seen the dead and wounded
The hollow eyes of our peoples
The gauntness of those who remained
What good was land won
If there were none left to play in it?

New agreements were forged
Treaties signed and hands clasped
Our homes were being built again
Each brick laid with hope
Each structure erected faithfully
Laughter sounded in the fields
None were hungry or left in the cold
It was peace, hard won, well deserved.

And yet in our midst you'd waited
Lain quietly in your sheep's wool
Quietly sharpening your weapons
And dripping your poison in the right ears
In the light of day you hid in plain sight
Biding your time and counting the days
Waiting for the greater victory
Of toppling a flourishing city.

I hope your knives are sharp
For when they're turned on you
I hope your aim is true
For we won't miss our shot
I hope your words seemed sweet
So your defeat is all the more bitter
I hope you remember this last breath
Because we have been pushed past mercy.

i'm wanting more of your attention
every glance and waking thought
every dream you've ever sought
the nightmare your mind's wrought
i want to be your obsession

i'm wanting more of your touch
every enthralling kiss and warm hug
every gentle nudge and rough tug
the feel of your bare skin that's like a drug
i want to be the one that's too much

i'm wanting more of you
all your memories past and yet to form
all your youth and wrinkles yet to fold
all your goings on and time yet to fill
all your wants and hungers yet to feed
all your dreams and wishes yet fulfilled
i want to be all your due


*you've got me greedy for you

It's in the act of
Unlocking the front door
Leaving the chill of the outside
For the warmth of home

It's in the dog that comes
Snuffling happily at your feet
The cat that pads up quietly
Reluctantly curling around your ankles

It's in the bowl that sits
Still warm in the microwave
And the accompanying note
Wrapped around the spoon

It's in the moment
Of stepping into the shower
And letting the hot spray
Wash the day's grime and cares off

It's coming home to you
Snoring under the covers
Smelling like soap and sleep
As you wake up a little
To tug me closer and kiss me goodnight

We met in the winter of our lives
Drawn together by the warmth
And promise of kinship
That helped us brave the season
To usher in the spring
When poisonous fruits sprouted
Hiding behind showy blossoms
Their once sweet fragrance now cloying
As they fought for a last hurrah
In the unforgiving heat of summer
And now autumn is upon us
Who have glutted ourselves on a Judas feast
Filled us full up with the mettle necessary
To take on winter once again.

The wind pushes you into me
The musk of your sweat
And fresh laundry
The indelible smoke on your fingers
And petrichor from roads still watery
The smell of green from the passing trees
And that scent that is you, uniquely
If time could come to a standstill now
I would be complete

the days are getting longer or shorter
the distinction is no longer clear
not when my time ticks on moments of you
as though i were an untried schoolgirl
on the cusp of adventure
a precipice of folly and recklessness
or the tattered bridge of my vows
and yet i forge on downwards
chasing a light only i can see
flickering in the bowels of my longlost dreams
perhaps there is a road at the end
wide enough to carry us
until then it's only my tail i'm chasing

Morning afters are always
Idyllic; breezy, balmy, slow.
Blue sky highways
White clouds completing the tableau.

Morning afters are quiet
Sleepy cuddles and kisses
While butterflies riot
Deep in your insides.

Morning afters are filled
Full up; a carnival mix bag of treats
Feelings of contentment and thrill
Yet somehow full of deceit.

Morning afters are never
What they seem
Peel past the bucolic exterior
And it's merely a vanishing dream.

Today my glow is dim and my feet leave marks in their stead
I can't seem to stir from my bed
There is much to accomplish but my back I turned
To lie in the cooler spot I'd just vacated
My body is limp and my thoughts are rumpled
Unmoved by the sunlight high overhead

Today I can't seem to get anything straight
I lie sticky in sweat and tears, clothes long shed
The fan whirls but no breeze is created
In this staleness I marinate
Wishing for the sun to set
And my energy to reinstate

Today I felt every second of time as it ticked
Slowly bleeding out of my consciousness as I napped
Dreaming fitfully of unpleasant feelings twisted and red
I want to reach out for another's lead
But there was no conviction in my hand
So I stayed

Today I wondered about what was wrong with me
And how this lifeless version came to be

You light cigarette after cigarette
In this dark room
Single occupancy only
The smoke dissipating into the musk
The room is bare
Table chair ashtray you
The cigarettes never run out
The ashtray never fills

You want to stand and leave
Step out that door that sits ajar
Letting in the merest sliver of light
Through which you glimpse
Familiar faces you can't quite place
Calling for you in voices
Hushed concerned brave bright
The people pass
Their sounds fade

You feel weighted down
Bound to this chair
With stiff leaden limbs
It seems like you've been here before
Yet this cell is unfamiliar
How did you end up here
Capture accident own free will
The cigarette burns to ash
The ash crumbles to dust

There is no time or space here that you can sense. The room is getting comfortable and somehow you no longer feel that pressing need to leave. Did you have an existence beyond these countless cigarettes? The memories flee your grasp, and your thoughts are slowly going...e v e n w  o  r  d  s d   o   n   't   f    o    r    m     a     n     y     m    -

Behind my closed lids lights strobe
The flickering of the streetlamp
Or the twinkle of the stars
Perhaps the uneven thump of my heart
Echoing the throb of your veins
Reverberating in my head upon your arm
This racing that belies our even breaths
Mingling in the cold sea breeze
That is charged with more than silence
Broken by a sudden salvo across the ocean
Lights blossom in the darkness
Reflecting in the inky waters
The brilliance is startling
As the night sky is painted in colours
So is this night we are sharing.

There are words I can't pen down
So inadequate at expressing all these
Thoughts and feelings so deep
I drown

There are songs I wish would come
An entire orchestra in symphony
Every bell and whistle you resonate in me
And then some

There are things I can't accomplish
My body awkward and clumsy
Inconsistent with my muse
From start to finish

There are places I can't follow you to
Your personal mazes mired in chasms
So deep and dark
The light can't break through

There's so much found wanting in me
Yet there is so much I want
To laugh at your side carelessly
And hold your hand when ghosts come to haunt
I can't be everything you need me to be
Not yet, but give me the chance

Some days it's easier
To look at the things I found joy at
And dredge up that selfsame laughter

Other days I have to dig deeper
To get past this unnamed sadness
In this ravine that seems to get steeper

But these long days get shorter
Filled with company I loath to leave
Beloved friends who show me what matter

This is the boy who never
Made it to full size
Taught to stay still by the hour
Before he came to our sides.

This is the boy whose hair
You'd never see an equal to;
Shades of white, and brown and copper
Even in his cropped 'do.

This is the boy who never
Learned any tricks
Content to bask behind his leader
Savouring life in small sips.

This is the boy whose silence
Was taken as giddiness
Although he hardly missed the chance
To indulge in cheeky business.

This is the boy who never
Wanted for anything all his life
Until that unhappy misadventure
When he learnt of death.

This is the boy whom
We have loved faithfully
Cuddled close to our *****
Our cherished Christmas baby
Don't leave yet; it's too soon
We're not yet ready.

How long will this last?

This lingering smell of laundry soap
The smell of you sunk into the fibres of this shirt
This last vestige of our tumultuous year
The sum of which I cannot add up
This lacklustre subsistence
The caricature of life conjured up

How long can this last?

This finite amount of breath
The particles of you fading with each inhalation
This fruitless clutching on
The grooves already worn flat
This constant disquiet of the mind
The echoes reverberating

How long - ?

*Nothing lasts forever

Just give me this
Last moment with you
As you snore and grind your teeth
Even though this should be rose-hued.

Just give me this
Chance to hold you close
To breathe in you and me
Before the sunlight shows
A final time to feel security.

Just give me this
Time to reconcile myself
Because I won't know what to do
After this night wears off.

Just give me this
For I have never asked much
Only that you try
So please don't begrudge
Me, this last goodbye.

In your heart.
On your mind.**

Such incorporeal metaphors
It's inconceivable the weight
Of which they cause

If one were such a phantom
Why couldn't they be exorcised
As needs willed them

Because I only want to keep you
Whom over all my bleakness
Have staged a coup

the voices around you grow to a roar
a crescendo of celebration and excitement
the heat from everyone surrounds you
a blanket of sweat and musk
the fireworks in the sky keep exploding
a breathtaking show of glittery brilliance
the weight in your heart sits
a sisyphus boulder that never seems to go away


*you're standing amidst the countdown crowd right at the city centre with all these overjoyed and possibly drunk people, the cheers erupt with each fresh firework blossoming yet in this humid climate all you feel is the wind blowing, the chilling pinpricks of a light drizzle. you remember how you love fireworks- their spark and the heart-in-mouth explosions and it all turns to dust in you because you can't find any joy in them now. lately it seems like all you have is dust.

It's been years since I've written
Sat down and gave shape
To the words that would come unbidden

I don't have the time
I'm not doing this right
I can't rhyme
Every effort was a fight
A struggle of: I'm
Not good enough

So I kept everything in
All my thoughts and feelings and the mixed up things
But the stopper wore thin
And all the creatures in my head kept clamouring

All the pent up emotions
Every opposing thought
And their little explosions
Forming a new knot
New little poisons
That I can't undo or expel

The words don't come as easily anymore
I'm rusty from disuse
But I'm retaking this floor

I'm not
Going to bother you, trip up your happiness
I have
That bit of pride left, if only remnants
I just
Need another stick to beat myself up with, as
I hang
On by the skin of my teeth, at this one-man impasse
I'm not
All here

But neither am I there