maybe life would be easier if I would recognize how fragile it all is and maybe heartbreak wouldn't hurt so bad if I could only know what things I have yet to lose and what things I have yet to gain. Maybe life would be easier if I would recognize how fragile it all is and maybe heartbreak wouldn't hurt so bad if I could only know what things I have yet to lose and what things I have yet to gain. I wish the past year and a half weren't the most significant years of my life so letting them go wouldn't feel like taking my last breath. I wish you weren't the only thing keeping me alive and I know how unhealthy that sounds but you've got to understand falling in love with you was the biggest risk I've ever taken and I knew the consequences but I did not understand the pain. it was a risk worth taking, and I took it. in the end I feel like this is my fault and my fault completely. When I met you I was fading away and there wasn't much of me left to give but I gave every last part of myself to you and the feeling of you giving yourself back to me, letting me in, and telling me you loved me was enough to give me life. I'll never forget anything you've ever told me, it's all stuck like a song in my head. I'd write it all down but I'd end up in a river of tears because your words are farther away from where we'll ever find ourselves again.  And I saw it coming but at the same time I didn't see it at all and it still hit me like a ton of bricks and it crushed me and I'm unsure if I'll ever dig myself out of this rubble you've created. I have to keep on reminding myself that this pain isn't something I haven't felt before, because I have..I know I have. I have to remind myself of all the times you hurt me and all the times you gave me a lesson on how to forgive and forget. I have mastered the art of forgiveness but I'll always remember, the beautiful things about us and the ugly. Forgetting, is an art nobody has mastered. And sometimes I wish I was the lucky person the got hit in the head hard enough to forget their life, so I could start over and genuinely not care about who we were. But I'm not. I'm the heartbroken person who can't handle the pain. I'm the one who gets too weak to eat or sleep and I'm the one who gets put in the hospital hours after you tell me it's over. that's who I am and there's no escaping that truth. I keep telling myself that I don't care and I don't love you enough to care but I know I'm wrong so I melt into a puddle of something that has nothing left to offer. I wish letting go of the person you love most in the world was easier but the only way to let you go is painfully. and maybe time will heal my pain and maybe something great will happen because of this, i wish the person I'm supposed to be 10 years from now was right here right now telling me that this is something I'll barely remember and that I'm stronger than this and that life is actually going to work out in a way that makes this seem smaller than what it feels like.  wish the past year and a half weren't the most significant years of my life so letting them go wouldn't feel like taking my last breath. I wish you weren't the only thing keeping me alive and I know how unhealthy that sounds but you've got to understand falling in love with you was the biggest risk I've ever taken and I knew the consequences but I did not understand the pain. it was a risk worth taking, and I took it. in the end I feel like this is my fault and my fault completely. When I met you I was fading away and there wasn't much of me left to give but I gave every last part of myself to you and the feeling of you giving yourself back to me, letting me in, and telling me you loved me was enough to give me life. I'll never forget anything you've ever told me, it's all stuck like a song in my head. I'd write it all down but I'd end up in a river of tears because your words are farther away from where we'll ever find ourselves again.  And I saw it coming but at the same time I didn't see it at all and it still hit me like a ton of bricks and it crushed me and I'm unsure if I'll ever dig myself out of this rubble you've created. I have to keep on reminding myself that this pain isn't something I haven't felt before, because I have..I know I have. I have to remind myself of all the times you hurt me and all the times you gave me a lesson on how to forgive and forget. I have mastered the art of forgiveness but I'll always remember, the beautiful things about us and the ugly. Forgetting, is an art nobody has mastered. And sometimes I wish I was the lucky person that got hit in the head hard enough to forget their life, so I could start over and genuinely not care about who we were. But I'm not. I'm the heartbroken person who can't handle the pain. I'm the one who gets too weak to eat or sleep and I'm the one who gets put in the hospital hours after you tell me it's over. that's who I am and there's no escaping that truth. I keep telling myself that I don't care and I don't love you enough to care but I know I'm wrong so I melt into a puddle of something that has nothing left to offer. I wish letting go of the person you love most in the world was easier but the only way to let you go is painfully. and maybe time will heal my pain and maybe something great will happen because of this, i wish the person I'm supposed to be 10 years from now was right here right now telling me that this is something I'll barely remember and that I'm stronger than this and that life is actually going to work out in a way that makes this seem smaller than what it feels like.

I remember you telling me how you thought highways were poetic.

There’s a spot I like to go to at night that overlooks the pacific highway,
a wall covered in vines,
I sit there and feel calm.
I can see the poetry in the way the red and white bleeding lights stretch along this road to nowhere.
I can see the poetry in the way each car holds a human
who is living a life that is not mine
and how each life is different
and how for a brief moment these lives are on the same path.
The man on his way home from work,
who has no one to go home to but a dog,
he is tired and he is a hard worker.
He remembers that he is out of milk so he takes the next exit.
A woman who just came from a first date,
who is disappointed because she isn’t sure if she’ll connect with another person the way she connected with her ex-lover,
she regrets the lies she told.
Their cars race forward
and their lonely thoughts chase them home.
These cars are going so fast,
I find it hard to focus on one for more than a moment.  
However,
there is poetry in the way that I am still, while life is going fast.
They say being still isn’t progressive.
They say being still will get me nowhere.
But, I am grounded when I am still.
I am savoring every fleeting moment.
I am taking my time to get to where I am supposed to be and I am not even sure where that is.
I remember you telling me how you thought highways were poetic.
Tonight, I'm thinking that too.