I have stains of blood,
Everywhere.
I crave hugs,
Everywhere.
This is not cheesy,
at all.
Today was really breezy,
It was cold.

Hey look,

Jami Belle,
<smiles>
I knew there was one more name to yours when I met you
And I asked you about it
And you said and you laughed:
"Peterson. I hate it though."
I could change that.
Does Hiatt sound nice? It did at the time. Jami Belle Hiatt.
A nice ring.
You liked it.
God I miss you.

God,
You ****** me up.
There's damage here that's permanent, unchanged, unchanging.
I will never be the same since you've harmed me.
Sure, I've grown and
Sure, I've learned,
but ****
I will never be the same.

I will always seek the comfort you changed my psychology to crave,
I will always reach out at night to grab the body that isn't there.
I will always be the remnants of a scar on a short part of your life,
But you will always be so much more in mine.

I wish I could cut you out like a tumor,
Take a knife, sharp as day, and slice at these memories and scars,
Slash until you're gone.

Please just, go.

There's a virus in this school called hatred,
It finds your happiness and takes it.
It writhes in your pocket,
Sounds much like gossip,
And leaves your heart bare and naked.

I can't catch my breath.
Every other minute it just gets deeper, faster.
This is anxiety. This is hell.
The protruding image of destroying myself is circulating
And impeding my actions on Earth.
I can't focus.
I can't breathe.
I can't sleep.
I stood in the cold for twenty minutes just to try.

This isn't fair. I'm sorry.
I'm not okay.
I know it isn't fair.

*** is not sleep.
But I fear for me, it is.

My mind is backwards, my dreams are haunting,
My eyes hurt, my future daunting.

I’m scared, because for the first time,
              In many nights.
*I have no one.

One soul is missing from this pauper's mansion.
One bed stays cold all day, all night.
We were three, then two. And now the two are really each their own.
One and one.

One soul is missed in this casa.
La alma de mi perrito.

The day I start my diet
Is the day she leaves me;
    When I have to eat and drink
    To keep breathing.

The day I start dying
Is the day she leaves me;
    When dying is halted
    To breathe and sleep.

The day I start crying
Is the day she leaves me;
    When she chose her mind
    Above her heart,
    Unlike at the start
    When she chose me above her being.
    And her mind was just seeing
    How easily it is to follow her heart.

Overcoming you has been more than I care to say
Seeing past the facade before me has defined the fence
and hidden the gate.

I'm trapped here so long as you exist, no escape,
Without you, longing for another way to love
Or appreciate without you near.

I could passively sit and watch life pass you by
Or dig myself out and hope to finally say goodbye
Or simply end my life.

Forgetting you doesn't seem the option
Appearance in my dreams underlines your apathy
and my heart only spells caution.

*Te odio.

I was dumb and I was young and I thought I was ready.

I thought I wanted it.

Society told me, from day ONE
          That I did.
Nature told me, from day ONE
          That I did.
I convinced myself, from day ONE
          That I did.

And her body said
          "Marshall, you know you want it."
                    And so I did.


For months after that I hated myself.
I wanted to carve out those memories
         With any knife I could find.
I had betrayed myself
          And no sympathy or empathy could find me.
I had prepared myself for failure and executed it beautifully.
I had obeyed the hormones in my brain
          And the actors on TV.
I had become a product of society and evolution
          And I should have been happy
                    But. I. Wasn't.
My dreams became nightmares before
I could even fall asleep at night.

I wanted to forget.
But it's hard to forget one's own downfall.
One's own betrayal.

The scar tissue on my brain
Brought back all the pain,
No matter how hard I tried to fight,
I kept bringing myself back to that night.

                                                  I want to forget.

Untouched by inactivity.
Untouched by activity.

Unmoved by push.
Unmoved by pull.

Impossible to affect
Impossible to revert me back.

Unfuckwithable is what they called it.
I will call it sturdy.

I will not be changed by you.
I am happy and I will not change because of you.

You.
You you you you you.

Thermoplastic acrylic acid scent suspended in my sinuses
And red splatter on my glasses
Camel Turkish golds in my lungs
The way this air sits is low hung
It's impossible to make it by
Without asking why we play these games
With ourselves.
Always playing time games with ourselves.

These murals can't capture what I'm thinking
My breathing can't relay how or why I cheated this world.


I'm simply
Alone
And on top of this mountain.
Freezing, breaking the law.

My soul must be willess, it hurts so great,
All thoughts dedicated to an angel,
Beautiful skin, her smile to lift all weight,
Our meet, unexpected, great change befell,
Cherub, your world disguise fools all but me,
I know of those feathers beneath your veil,
You, mi amor, cause my being such glee,
But my soul will be lost if I fail,
I will spiral into a land of pain,
Graveyard, abyss, helpless without escape,
Only one light could save me, life so mundane,
Your smile, your voice, your touch, are my escape,
But now I am trapped here, this endless drift.
Every day worse than the last, no gift.
-February 2013

I can feel it.
There's something.
Or nothing. But it's there.
I can feel the hatred.
Or rather I can feel the hated.
I only feel the hated.

You make me feel like
     If I just disappeared tomorrow,
     Somebody would come looking.

A month ago,
If somebody told me,
My soul had a match,
And her name was Jami,

I’d tell them,
I’d say no,
But that was,
A month ago,

Way back then,
I was scarred,
Blood all over,
Healthy seemed far,


But since you said love...

My minds been a haven,
And the kisses you give me,
    Heaven.
My heart was your capture,
And when you held me,
    Rapture.

A month ago if you said,
A new girl’d walk in your head,
Plant a new mustard seed,
And watch and see,

See your head split with,
Passion so mythic,
And fruits so clever,
It’s like never.....    Before.

A month ago I was a shell of a man,
But now I’m walking on this new land.
Haven.
Rapture.

-July 6th 2013

We'll see if 2017 is worth living.
Sixteen at nineteen wasn't.
But I guess hope drove me through it
And Tyler.

Here's to coffee
And the pursuit of happiness.

I often feel my veins and arteries,
I trace their existence, their depth.
Blue and red.
Red's unseen.

I think about what it would be like to
hook
           a knife underneat the vein,
                             and
Yank! Just Rip!

How long would it take for me to bleed out?
Would I?
Which should I choose for the fastest, most accurate death.

I hate death. Life is too precious.
I love living.

Veins are cool.

The sun doesn’t wait,
Neither does the moon,
The birds get to see you,
The flowers around you,

Hundreds of strangers,
Watching you,
When
    I am the only one,
Who needs to.

-June 19th 2013

What you don't see is her thinking.
Sitting there with her 7-11 pizza and coffee,
She's thinking.
The root of equations and their solution.
Squaring and cubing all issues in her head.
She's always solving problems which don't exist yet,
Always dissecting problems and applying mathematics to everyone and everything.

It all comes down to molecules and their relation to each other.
Numbers in it all.
In art and love and the patterns of weather,
Everything can be predicted and solved,
One way or another...

You don't see this.
You see her shell,
And that dazed look on her face
Her dark, torn clothes,
Piercings and tattoos.

I love her.

I'd tell you the wishes I made months ago,
but I still want them to come true.
Cause I wished for many things,
and I especially wished for you.

And I believe you're right about living,
cause you always know what I'm thinking.
And I believe I was right about your ocean,
cause I can stand without sinking.

I am the sailor not so alone,
and one day I will sail.
And we will be not so alone,
because you will have worn a veil.

Not many see the lightning which arises,
It comes when she tilts her head just right,
The sun enters her stormy blue eyes,
And lays an egg soon to explode in a streak of light.

She was my new cloud, my new nimbus,
Before I even knew what was happening, I flew,
I sailed under a new mast, never doubting,
My body was so used to pain, this was new.

Could love exist without ache?
Could a vampire thrive without the stake?
Could hearts pump without any death?
Could lungs breathe without stolen breath.

-I don’t know when. (Before December 15th but after the 12th)

<deleted>

******* this red *****.
It won't stop beating.
Tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick.
STOP!

I take a deep breath which isn't so deep and isn't much of a breath...



Tick.

******

Wine from two jugs tastes as good as from one.

The strings of a harp vibrate independently to sing the same song.

The Oak and the Cypress cannot grow in each other's shade.

And the pillars of a temple must be separated to hold the weight above them.

Rain doesn’t only fall from the sky,
Somehow, it comes out our eyes.

I hope you don't know my secret.

I'm actually a monster.
In the guise of a boy with long hair.

Beneath my jacket of skin, scales coat my body.
Beneath my mask, I have a face of teeth and tentacles,
A beak made for chomping, and eyes glazed black.
I have webbed wings on my true back, but you can't see that.

My toes are made of bone, and just as dry.
If my instincts kick in, I can run faster than any man,
Hit ten times as hard, and **** in the blink of an eye.
I am no man. I am a monster.

A monster with one goal; protect you.

Maybe I was thinking of a little arson,
Maybe I wanted to burn that house,
And the memories it holds,
Packed away in their heads.

Maybe I thought grim thoughts,
Maybe it was my only mind,
But then you showed up,
And put my conscious to rest.

Maybe I still hate,
Maybe I still need closure,
Like the frays on a woven rope,
Untied endings still haunt.

I know my path will cross,
But When it comes,
I know I’m safe,
I know I’m with you,
Like a wall of steel,
You protect me.

-July 9th 2013

Sleep is for the weak.
But I must be weak.

Like charcoal to a vermillion rose,
Like smearing the perfect mirror,
Like a fire to an evergreen forest,

I made a mistake.

And every time I breathe I regret every single word I said,
And every time I see I can’t forget those words I said,
And every time I breathe I regret every single word I said,

I made a mistake.

Like taking a life, I took some some of her pride,
Like telling a lie, I told her something I didn't mind,
Like turning back time, I committed the worst kind of crime,

I made a mistake.

Oh hey there honey won’t you see me on my knees,
Oh hey there sweetie can’t you see me pleading,
Oh hey there lovely I love ya so **** much,

I made a mistake,
And every second since then,
I felt regret.

-July 14th 2013

Some nights when I lay alone, awake,
I dream of you,
And my lungs emit an echo,
Like a dog missing his master,
I moan for you,
It’s like crying,
With no sound.
It’s like dying,
With no blood.

I crave the texture of your skin,
The color of your eyes,
    Even if I can’t see them at night,
It’s enough to know you’re there.

But I long for you,
And I hear the sound of my blood-
        Beating.
Because the flesh in my chest is dragged in your compass,
And the blood in my body is dragged to your presence,
And the hands at my side are dragged to your essence.

I miss you.

-July 20th 2013

I don't dream of her
But I do.
I really don't want to.

She shows up sometimes,
I get excited, turned on.
But I am reminded,
Your good days are far gone.

Always and never.
Two words of weight.
With you,
I prefer hate.

Accidentally, Something.

Checking in. Did you hear me?
Did you see?
I told you.

Looking up. Did you ask?
Remove your mask?
No adieu.


I had a feeling the violet would bloom,
A couple months late,
Under the wrong light,
Too much of a fight.

*Take flight.

“She brought me a bear,
It told me life was special,
You brought me a note,
It told me I was special.”

Golem, gatekeeper
He played some riddles for me,
I've sat and pondered for weeks.
Finally am answer came to thought
Through my chaotic mind,
Through wretched things I brought,
He let me in.

The treasure within,
Beyond any concept previous;
My Holy Grail
With wine to sip
And God to feel.
I'm glad I didn't fail.

Memnoch,
My Devil,
I don't know what to do.

You speak of lies,
You speak of life,
And I know you speak of truths.

When you come near, I can’t disappear into my mind,
When it’s so clear, I can see what you were trying to find,

I’m so done.
I guess nobody won.

‘Cause hours like these, come with dead flowers around,
And towers like these, always come showering down,

I can’t pretend.
That wasn’t the end.

Some parts of me, come with holes- for you to see,
Some parts of me, parts of my soul- have holes that bleed,

The good parts of me, can fold and come undone,
You versus me, I guess nobody won.

                ~Marshall Hiatt, 11:25 PM, 11-13-13.

Strings his bow,
Checks his quiver.

And puts both down.
*No blood this time.

After the morning dew melts,
You can find me,
I will be outside
My local Library.

Inside are more than books,
Recordings and tapes,
Inside you’ll find Captain Hook,
Earthquakes that shook, and probably a Rook.

The pages are black
And white,
But the stories can easily make us
Cry.

Go.
Read just one,
A dozen more,
Who knows.

But read,
Because reading opens doors.

I can't capture these emotions with words.

There's a twitch on my top lip,
It's a little to the right.
It's being caused by a torturous,
Distasteful sight.

My heart's beating faster,
It doesn't know what to think.
What the **** is this,
Why didn't I see.

I'm going to explode in a thousand little pieces,
Not one of them will be Marshall.
I cannot play this game again, this tango, this grind, this pain, this mistake, this step too forward, this ache, this.
****.

I'm in a higher league, apparently,
She wouldn't even talk to me.
I scared her.

I just wanted to kiss.

This charcoal paint
He draws himself an anti-saint
The cross on his face makes way for worthless thoughts and glares
He takes his pain and less mundane
Makes art.

Sacrifice the bowels of animals and coat this ground with dirt and blood of goat
Say the worst of me
I am the worst of me.
Dagger, no- knife of surgeon, scalpel doctor
Lector no cannibal, Hannibal I cut,
And slice and stab and FEEL
I FEEL
GOD I FEEL you!
I feel your cells tearing, schism of church my blade makes works of Raphael and Michelangelo
The Adam finger of my hardened steel makes contact with your God,
GOD
I
FEEL
YOU.

Creation of Man, creation of this man on this earth,
I give my ribs to you,
I cut them from my chest.
And make one *** into two ***,
I make our ***.
Your ribs make my ***-
X! Out my eyes, I am dead,
Slain by thoughts and feel
Slain by day come next after you and I make
TEXT unreal, unnecessary, unneeded
I need not capture my lance of piercing Christ
Destiny not speaking to me in words,
My blood speaking words which turn thoughts of water
Into wine,
You are my Christ
And like Romans, I will pierce you with my spear
Pierce and tear my surgery and tactful share of shaft
Into your ribs as John (19:34) had claimed.

Claim you and shame you for being the true daughter of God.
My savior on cross,
Veronica's veil, placing your Jesus on my face
I will memorize the runes in this literature
With the nerves in my skin,
My charcoal skin.
Paint the flesh on my blood lips with your wine,
So sweet and finely fermented water
I will alter your purity into eternity,
I will copy down the bible.
I will be your Peter and John.
And hope not I am our Judas
Pray only good fortune to us
And we may slash and tear these days away.
Slash and tear and share our ribs and cross,
Indulge in your fruit of knowledge and Eden.
God is dead but we don’t need him,
We have you.

Adam made one *** two.

Yesterday,
On the patio of that coffee joint,
I saw a girl with your timber hair,
I stopped,
    I stared,
        I studied.
But it was not you,
    Thank God.

My friends saw me staring,
Two knew why.
One asked,
    “What is the story of you two?”
I told him,
    I traced back,
        I tightened up.
I cursed a lot,
    I gave the truth of it all.

We have a long story.
I wonder if it’s as long for you.

Just, sit.
And stare.
And sit and stare.
And listen.
And move.
Then sit and move and listen.
And stare.
And wait.
And wait.

Oh wait maybe.
No.

****.

I am searching for a soul in the darkness,
A light I may have found.
The seventh sense of mankind,
The fourth primary color.
The chord you cannot hear,
The not that isn't strummed.

I am searching for love.
         And I may fave found it here.

                                  -Marshall Hiatt
                                             1-24-14

Would you come to my funeral?
Would you wear black all day?
Would you mourn me at all?

Or maybe it’s fleeting,
Your needing, our leading,
It’s seething, I’m bleeding,

The painting of a morgue,
My body on a table inside, checked all over for his cuts,
Accused of ******* ******,
And using their bodies, for all of his worst intentions,
His cold lifeless corpse still needs warmth, still needs someone,

Where are you,
Why aren’t you here,
You say you’re fine, you say you laugh, you say everything’s good,
I cry, why don’t you care, I need you please, I need all of your warmth,
Please keep me dry, my cold tears, they all fall, they cover my warm clothes,

It’s winter, it’s freezing, I’m stuck out in the cold,
It’s thawing, I’m gnawing, I’m craving someone’s meat,
It’s yours, I need you, I need to know you still care,

Don’t waste your time. And please, don’t waste mine.

I have bloodstains everywhere and
They like to watch me when I sleep.
I can't help their eyes scan over me
And watch for when I bleed.

These greedy bloodstains
These greedy blotches.
The color red waits and
The color red watches.

Go blind.
Go Blind.
GO BLIND.
Grow old and die and watch me from hell.
Because your eyes will tire
And you cannot beat my fire.

My fire is my lyre
And my lyre makes music,
*Not blood.

The sky is Velvet.
How velvet blue it flows and sings to me the darkness and screaming of the night. It's softens and dampens
The Echoes echolocating and where I am in this world.
On the other side of the sun I hide in his shadow God his shadow still finds me though.
I'm not hiding in his shade, I am bathing in it. These days have become too much to bear, and **** is his shadow nice, his velvet blue shadow. But there's more to this than that,
How high the sky, how soft the air, how hard the ground is on my bare feet as I bruise and bash them against the ground in my constant wandering.

This Velvet Sky, a soft Silk Tie,
Around my neck it holds me tonight,
Tightening this white shirt to my chest,
This Shadow holds me.