Take me high-
So high up with your powder wings
Angel of dust and up,
Let me drink from your cup.

Show me the world from your height,
Intoxicate me with your wine,
And poison me with your poisons.
I love it.

Every time I fly alone,
I miss you most.
Always on the top of my tongue and
The front of my thoughts,
Always the first on mind
And first I speak.

Ask them,
Those around me,
I can't shut up about you.
I take Cristian mythology and apply every
Hyperbole and analogy withing those books
And weave it into your holiness,
Your true light.

You possess a place more pure than Eden
Within me,
And a heart more red that the fruit we indulge,
I could get lost inside of you,
I would love to get lost inside of you
Every night.

Studying your doctrines,
Learning your covenants with my finger
Across the pages,
Running my eyes, face and hands all over your tomes,
Breaking down and reassembling your information.
Study you devoutly,
Every day and every night to dedicate to worship
Through practice and through study.

You are a testament to man's virtue
And a testament to his ability to wait.
You are St. John's gift upon me,
The land behind his gates,
My Zion of knowledge and joy.

I will count my blessings,
And take it for what it is.
I love you.
I love what you've done​ for my life,
Unintentionally, too.
You've made faithful this secular man now monk,

I believe in you,
And light of the sun every morning.
The taste of my coffee, roasted every day,
My carcinogin cigarettes,
Your sweet kisses, teasing,
And the drugs I take regularly.

You've made the mundane magnificent,
And I thank you,
God, thank you.
I will never under appreciate what you've given.
My God,
My Gaia.

What you don't see is her thinking.
Sitting there with her 7-11 pizza and coffee,
She's thinking.
The root of equations and their solution.
Squaring and cubing all issues in her head.
She's always solving problems which don't exist yet,
Always dissecting problems and applying mathematics to everyone and everything.

It all comes down to molecules and their relation to each other.
Numbers in it all.
In art and love and the patterns of weather,
Everything can be predicted and solved,
One way or another...

You don't see this.
You see her shell,
And that dazed look on her face
Her dark, torn clothes,
Piercings and tattoos.

I love her.

I see this world
Of Marshall with his clean face
And white shirts,
Tattoos
BLEEDING through his sleeves
Blue and green and black.

Staring into his face,
Eyes becoming the expansive world-
In the mirror.

Bleeding razor on the sink,
Steaming water rising upward,
Still-

Marshall STARING into his expansive eyes,
Obliterating reality around him,
Slicing and cutting and tearing apart all surroundings.
Focussing on the star stuff within him.

Kim, the Sun, the warmth of each day,
The clean razor face and lotion-massaged skin,
The golden, gleaming colors of life.

Marshall staring at all of this,
Upon his sink-mirror.

Take these swift lights
Take them like cars passing
And trucks with their chains in the night.
Take these lights with you.
These sounds, they're nothing.

The light of existence has been forever brightened by you.
In a way that can't be taken by long nights
And longing sounds.

A life without eyes-
Would be brightened by what you have brought to me.

How he makes the birds sing,
I'll never know.
He turns black to blue
And makes each day new.

He's always there for me,
This golden Sun.

Warming my skin
My car,
My air,
My spray cans,
Forcing butane out of my lighter.

He always gives me more.
Growing my plants,
Helping my body process calcium
Through vitamin D.

He gives selflessly.
It's all He knows.

Save yourself
Then come for me.

Sometimes we hold on too tight,
When it starts to slip,
We bleed.

Open my vein for these masses
Cover and shower them with my red blood
They love it.
They love my pain.

Hundreds of cheering faces,
Jumping and yelling and dancing and hugging,
Drenched in my blood.
Lambs to the slaughter
Romans to the coliseum,
Gladiators and lions and sand and blood.

Always more blood.
Suckers for more blood.

Chemical escapes
Only escapes.
Mind space
Head space
Space out for a while, hours
Days.

There's something surreal about seeing the reflection of yourself snort *******.
I didn't like it.
I saw my eyes and I looked at myself.
Why are you doing this.
What lead you here.
Is this what you want?

****, I don't know what I want.
I want to be okay, whatever form that takes
*******, marijuana, 2C-B, diphenhydramine
It's all the same to me.

God, please God just fry my brain
Make catatonic this once glowing man
Take away my fire,
***** me.
Soil this once golden visage.

**** me inside so I don't **** the outside.
I pulled my rifle out today.
And admired it's absolute, cold, resolution.
A complexion of death engraved in it's blued steel.
A full metal jacket to wrap around my thoughts,
Keep me warm for the rest of my life.

I pulled this knife into my skin again
And watched drops of blood ooze from my shell.
My shell.
Shell.
Empty shell.

Sleep forever,
Shell or no shell,
I want to sleep until I'm better.
Or she is.

I feel guilt.
This isn't her responsibility,
This is mine.
She's dealing with her own ****
I have to deal with mine
But- GOD I think we can deal better
Together.

I'm sick of abusing drugs to escape
And I'm sick of sleeping
And I'm sick of hurting
And thinking of my death,
God, PRAYING for it while I sleep.

Get better Marshall.
Get well soon.
Just will yourself out.

Like I can do that.

It's chemical, these problems.
Some molecules in my brain fill some holes
And I feel better.
And I make better art and I smile and laugh.
God I want to smile and laugh.

I will Faust my soul away
If it brings more sunny days.
I will Faust my will away
If it makes you stay.

God, come back to me.

Caught in a hurricane.
My skin is freezing beyond the point of goosebumps,
I'm letting go-
Holding on and you're letting go
Let me go.

Fingers slipping
Frozen
Wet.
My grasp weakens, you're breaking away.
Maelstrom to my harbor.

I can't breathe,
Every gasp I take is water,
Drowning every time.
My air is gone.

Blacked out sun.
It's like night
But not as beautiful.
This is a swamp of pain
I can't let go.

I will sail
Torn flags, I will sail
By God I will sail.
Maelstrom, hurricane, thunderstorm,
I will hold on.

She still makes my heart skip
Every time she smiles.
I will fight for that smile.
Wait it out.

How soft this golden glow
Breaks through the window,
As Apollo makes his rounds,
Giving life, and love, to all things on the ground.

Gotta let your​ senses overwhelm you
Gotta feed on carnal feeling,
Let those open wounds breathe through
Embrace the skin's red bleeding.

Feel love's cold sting singing
Feel Spring's flower's leaving
Even the smile that she's leaving.
The changing of the seasons.

Breathe in
Breathe out
Let pollen and dust into your ash and tar,
Look up at night, appreciate the stars.

And reach out
Far.
Farrer than far,
The space out there feels no spring,
It thinks our Earth is so bizarre,
The loving of these seasons.
The loving of these feelings
These bleedings
These breathings.

Pull it into our tar,
Pull the stars and farther,
Let the star stuff bleed you.
Let your human see through
Breathe through to glitter dust.
Pull similes to us,
Filter out the rest.

The space out there feels no love
No cove of blood and gut,
And could we teach it, yes,
But.

Let us breathe it first.

It's cruel what you do to me
My heart is going to give out.

Bill
Has this monologue
Where he discusses
How Superman is God,
And he can only blend in
When he makes himself look
Weak.

Clark Kent is imagination.
Superman is still Superman
And he is still God.

They say no atheists​ in foxholes.

Drag
Drag
Drag my feet though- this peat
Mire.
Dy-ing.
Smog, sogging my feet
Smogging my teeth
Pull this sand through teeth
TV static my scene,
Pull this trash through teeth
Sand and smog what I see.

Lifeless train in my keep
Breaking ribs in my breathe
Grit in my feet,
Clay in my bleed.

Stay. Just stay, big fish.
Let my nets catch you,
Stop slipping
Stop slipping away,
Clay on the beach.

Mire.
Desire too far to be
God within my reach.

Big fish break my nets,
They swim away
They find better place
They find better day.

Big fish, my foxhole
No atheist.
I pray my God,
My Gaia
My goal.
I'm Christian in this hole.
Please
Stay in my sea.

Big fish crave bigger seas
Bjigger than I can please
I'm seething
Seethe.
TV, static, see my sand
Stand on my beach.

My clay won't bog you,
I'll God you,
Altars flaunt you.
I'll exaggerate
If it makes big fish stay.
Or make gray if it
Hears you say "you may."

Carry this sand on my back
Run this far track,
Soak up colors attract
No great attack.

Anything, big fish.
Stay in my scene.

Painting walls with my blood,
From wrist and cranium.
Dark red or pink. Decide.
Artery or vein.
Sedate this monster, or bleed it from me slowly.
Silver stakes into my brain,
Burn every piece of me,
Put me down, restrain me,
I'm going to ruin this world.
I will be the monster.
I will tear down these walls,
Burn the town, **** the ******.
I will be your nightmare.
I'm more than my surface.
Hands reaching from under, I will drown you
You will hear your name screamed through the dense water,
You will see air flush from my lungs as it drains from yours
I am banshee,
I am mire.

I am soot,
I will build up and ignite,
I am lighter fluid and gasoline,
I will scorch this Earth,
Torching trees and deer and squirrels.
I will **** every soul on the surface.
I with bring ash into your eyes,
Blind you and starve you.

I am pain.
I am the wheels of this truck,
Making good creatures into roadkill,
Deleting God's work,
Carcass for magpies to eat.
I will **** this Earth.

I am banshee,
I am iceberg.

I wonder if
Adam
and
Eve
Spent most of their time wandering
Different parts of Eden.

Dug deep I digged this dirt and dragged down dark dermal tissue,
Diamonds in the rough.
Picked and plucked I perused polished pieces of painful porcelain, piercing pockets in my peripheral parts, precious pearls and petals I peeked and pounced.

Bleeding black blood from bored brackets in body's bursting bark,
I grasped golden, gleaming glory. Gazing greedily like I'd gotten God by his good gourd,
I let needles nick nocks into niche nooks and night nothings knap nooses around my neck, my needle in the haystack.

My night, my might, my one of a kind,
My Kim.

When maple trees freeze,
They explode.
The sap within them expands to a point the bark cannot handle
And release the energy stored,
Permanently altering the body of the tree.

Roasting sticks in this sun,
Roasting my lungs and skin
My God sun warms me,
Inside and out.

This charcoal paint
He draws himself an anti-saint
The cross on his face makes way for worthless thoughts and glares
He takes his pain and less mundane
Makes art.

Sacrifice the bowels of animals and coat this ground with dirt and blood of goat
Say the worst of me
I am the worst of me.
Dagger, no- knife of surgeon, scalpel doctor
Lector no cannibal, Hannibal I cut,
And slice and stab and FEEL
I FEEL
GOD I FEEL you!
I feel your cells tearing, schism of church my blade makes works of Raphael and Michelangelo
The Adam finger of my hardened steel makes contact with your God,
GOD
I
FEEL
YOU.

Creation of Man, creation of this man on this earth,
I give my ribs to you,
I cut them from my chest.
And make one *** into two ***,
I make our ***.
Your ribs make my ***-
X! Out my eyes, I am dead,
Slain by thoughts and feel
Slain by day come next after you and I make
TEXT unreal, unnecessary, unneeded
I need not capture my lance of piercing Christ
Destiny not speaking to me in words,
My blood speaking words which turn thoughts of water
Into wine,
You are my Christ
And like Romans, I will pierce you with my spear
Pierce and tear my surgery and tactful share of shaft
Into your ribs as John (19:34) had claimed.

Claim you and shame you for being the true daughter of God.
My savior on cross,
Veronica's veil, placing your Jesus on my face
I will memorize the runes in this literature
With the nerves in my skin,
My charcoal skin.
Paint the flesh on my blood lips with your wine,
So sweet and finely fermented water
I will alter your purity into eternity,
I will copy down the bible.
I will be your Peter and John.
And hope not I am our Judas
Pray only good fortune to us
And we may slash and tear these days away.
Slash and tear and share our ribs and cross,
Indulge in your fruit of knowledge and Eden.
God is dead but we don’t need him,
We have you.

Adam made one *** two.

Got this stamp wrapped on me like a tattoo
At this point no zoo and can hold me back
No place is safe from the length of my street
I'm the cloud raining 2C-B,
Spend most of the time in the sheet
On my on days I'm spreading love and chemical treats
Better pray and pray I dont get you hooked on the good
This drugs not used to the hood
New to being the king of this B
But I'm King Bee none the less
Nexus doesn't **** with us
Even when we ***** this stuff
Eyes wide like we're ****** up
Dutch Champaign got me shut up
Only hoping they don't lock me up
Got the feds on me like flies
Avoiding contact with my eyes
Lying through my teeth
Know I'm goin' to go flying soon
All 'cause of this good, jeeze.
Gonna go flying soon.
Gonna go flying soon
Can't stay in this hood.

Prometheus bound
Covering ground with his boulder
Up, then down. Then up.

This Prometheus has had enough of this
His arms begin to crumble, sand.
The boulder he's bound
Reverses ground
And kills him.

Can't push this rock forever.

Cigarette ash and coffee stains in the veins of the threads of this white shirt.
More stains in the veins on her skirt from my vain, biological ability to pain her with my existence.
Days passing and nothing stays the same in this place.
But her and I will spend the summer days is in better places.
Sands, oceans, ponds and bikinis.
We can sit in silence or talk until my ears bleed.
I'm happy either way.
Happy these days.

These long winter roads I roam.
Back and fourth searching for warmth
Sunset, orange, passion fruit, sugar.
The sky lights up baby blue and mango
As brightness hides.
The cold pinches my cheeks and soaks through my skinny jeans.
As the frozen air bites my lungs, cigarette smoke has never tasted sweeter.

The grass CRUNCHes as I walk, frozen, semi-permafrost tundra.
Frozen pumpkins on every porch,
Cobwebs and skeletons still hanging from gutters.
As I fumble for my keys with frostbitten hands, hard candy has never tasted sweeter.

It's black.
The frost on the ground reflects my headlights.
I'm carried by the flying creatures in my abdomen as I step out of my car.
Weightlessly and anxiously I walk on the styrofoam grass.
Concrete more solid and gray than any other day,
I'm standing on your porch.
My tight, constricted, dry winter skin almost splits my knuckles as I knock and I laugh because I hear you coming to answer and I know I should have used the doorbell.
I'm greeted with thunderously chilled eyes and a fox smile.
My pacemaker gives out and time seems to freeze.
Time returns again when I feel your arms around my neck,
Pulling my corpse inside, warm air has never tasted sweeter.

You sit me down, bring me a hot drink.
I sip and burn myself.
I laugh again, a booming laugh. I almost fall off the couch, why am I so happy.
I'm able to right myself back up, I didn't spill anything fortunately.
I look at you and my pacemaker gives out again.
I need to get this thing checked.
You come over to me, sit on my lap,
Whisper a sweet nothing in my ear, and as my hairs begin to stand from the crispness in your voice, you kiss me.
In this life, lips have never tasted sweeter.

**You
Taste
Sweeter.

Venus, you turn me blue-
Butterfly, Neptune, lunar tunes.
Space music.
Gaia, giver of gourd and ground, fertile earth
Please ground me- I'm flying by butterflies
And birds and bees in my stomach-
Chest full of it.

Pounding
DUM DUM DUM
I lose weight and my legs give out
No nicotine high, high on you
This lilac bush- butchered for her flowers.
I'm high on nicotine tea.

Signs say,
"No Smoking,"
I laugh like it's joking
But take trespassing seriously.
I don't want a free pass to jail- my record's clean.
They're mean in jail- you're not mean,
I'd rather you be with me
We can hide from hail under trees
And look at stars- how far they are.
Making my hard heart POUND in this yard.

Green grass.
I'd let all color be gray for you if you choose,
And decorate with spray paint if that's what you say.
I'd paint the world or desaturate.
It's easy to play this game and how badly I want to play-
Pray to play.

Venus turn my Neptune from blue to gold
The goal of this game.
I'm saturated by soul.

Foxfire you burn holes in my heart and fill them just the same,
covering my veins with glitter-dust and Ashes,
These ashes rebirth into something bigger,
Warming quilt of feather, Phoenix rising
Rising storm,
This thunder fills my lungs and fills my throat I want to sing. Bring.
I want to sing out the tar from my lungs
I want to paint this concrete with my love.

My lungs love
Doves to red and dug in deeper, Gold.

Accomplishing nothing just minor goals.
This coal can be painted with gold.

Coral reef, alveoli
These cables fill holes in me.

Rebar, concrete.
These fables fill my holes with gold.

Doves fill my heart's holes.
**Love
     Is
          Gold.

Summoning the sun, these songbirds sing soulful,  solid, sounds. Surprisingly, they softly sing me to sleep. Sweet symphonies sweep my dreams.

I wrap my arms around this stuffed otter,
And pretend that it is her,
That she holds my arms on her chest
And we breathe in harmony.

Two more voices in this morning choir.
Goodnight, night. Good morning, morning.

Giant elephant god
There's no gods in this place,
I'm burnin' up,
Pachydermin' up
Water nymph in my face
I've got nothin' to say
'Gonna stay in my place
-And eat dirt-
It works,
The worms crystalize
Vitalicize
Italicize
They fertilize
These laughing nights I cry.

No elephant gods
No turtle worlds
It hurts for sure.

For magic there's not.

Knots in my stomach
I swallow blood clots
I can't swallow this.
There's no this no that
No cat in the hat
No magic
I'm ******.

So ****** in fact
I won't ride this
Anymore.
I'm confiding this
I'm not fighting this-
This is for you.
Not for you to use
Not for me to abuse
Simply for you to choose
To let me go.

I'm going to go.
Before the first snows,
Even my heart knows
I'm going to go.

There's no magic
Tragic.
No,
I'm going to go.

Put out your cigarette in my hand.
Burn me please.
These nights I spent with you are perfect.
And no light can exist in this world without darkness.
No joy without pain.
There has been no pain.
So please, G̷̛̔͑̓̈́̊́̓̀͛̉̃͊̓̂̋͆̒̎͂̃̃͋̏̂̀̇̄̇̾͆̇̑̈́͗͑͂̈́̅͗̊͊̉̅͂͐̊̄̈͑͋̕̚͘̚̚̕͝͝͠͝͠͠­̢̨̡̡̞̖̙͓̳̰̪̪̻̣͕̭̝̻̹̙͎͙̭̪̤̺̙͕̹̭͔͙̰̼̗̟̔̎̈́́̃̓͜ͅo̸̓̎͌̽̒̐͌̈́́͊͊̊̊͋̈́͐̋͗̚­̨̛͇͚̮̫͈͚̲̙͇̙̮͍͇̄̽̀̒̈́̏͆͒͗̇̾̋̀̄̅̊̋̀̍́̊̂̽̈́͐̈̿̐̏̂͑͋̍͋͋͛̋̇̀͑͂͘͘͘̚͝͝͝͝͠­̨̢̡̢̢̡̧̮̤̪̞̬̟͍͔̺̝͔̣̦̼̯͓͈̜̝͕̗̟͉̯͔͕̠̳̠͎̖̺͉͎̹̗̫͎̻̙̯̪̱͚̫̳͈͜͜ͅd̸͋͊̃̍̃̇­̨̨̧̨̢̢̬͉̫͓̥̣̝̝͇̠̮̗̜͕͍͚̤̳̭̪̜̳͙̣͙̝̰̲̳͇̮̱̩͔̯͗̿͂̂̊͂̐̑̄̓̉̎̾̑͗̆̈́̒̕̕͜͠ͅͅ­̨̡̧̡̢̧̧̧̞̲̯̮̥̻̲͓͖͇̻̫͉̭̲̪̙̤͈̲̫̼͈̺͈̱͇̹̮̰̻͉̞͓̣̙̭̙̜͕̝̟̫̝͓̫̰̩̙̞̜̹̪͜͜͜ͅ­̡̧̢̨͎̤̞̘͇͔͓͔̦͇̮̺̖̯͎̬͓̟̙͇̖̠̯̯̩, hurt me so I can know that this is R̶̨͕͔̘͉͉̳͎͔̟̣̤͈̬̫̭̥̟͙͕̟̬̎̏̊̌̍͌͌̽̐̇̽̌͑̒̓͗̽̄̅́̀͗̃̇̎̿̒̔̾̈́̀̊̚͘͘̕̕̚͜͠ͅ­̡̨̡̡̧̡̤̱͖̗̫̘͉͈̮̞͎̱̰̜̹̞̖̞̥͎̩̥͙̥͖̻͉̲̭̳̟̖͎͎̟̤̩̪͈̘͔̘̣͇̤͈̠̩̦̞͉̘͉̱̝̞̭͜ͅ­̧̨̡̨̢̢̧̢͚͔̪̣͕̙̗̯̯̥̖̯͍͚̟̫͙͓̦͖̠̱͔̥͇̪̘̪̙̖͚͓̩̲͍̦̗̝̬̣̗̲͍̖͜͜e̷͐̀̓͆̇͗̉̀̚­̨̛̛̛̫̥͈͈̼̼́̿̑̅̄͛̏̂̔͊̏̃̾̃͌̉̓̍̀̀́̂̍͌͗̄̓̓̅̍͐͑͗̌͗̏͗̾̓̄͋̉̌́̎͛̆̈́͒͂́̚̚͝͠­̧̱̟̰̻̗̜͚̗:̸̐̓̀̔̎͗̆͐́̅́̎̀̄͆̀̈̆̌̿̐͊̀̉̄͐͌̎̆̋̌͒̆̐͒͆̆̌̋́̌͛̃͊̀͒̃̉͊̚̕͝͝͠­̢̡̢̛̛͓̤̫͙̱͔̝͎̹̰͙͉͖̳͚̟̲̝̟̺͈͍͚̊̽̃͋̊͒̉̇̉̉́͐͋͛̉̉̊̾̓̎̓̎̈́̓̈̉́̓̊̀̎̋̅̅̓͠ͅ­̧̨̢̢̨̱̤͉̠͉͈̭̹̜͖̙̪͔͈̦̣̜̼̦̼̺͎̘͔͖̩͖̣̗̳̼̰̻̘͚͕̟̣͇̘̭̪̜̘̩̝̰̯͜͜͜ͅͅͅA̷̛̛̍̕­̛̛̛̓̔̋̇̓̃̎̄̍̑̆̔̋̊̒̿̓͑͒̃̀͑̽̿́̈́̄̂̌̔̒̽͛͂́̐̍͋̇͗̾̏͌̌̉̓̍̽̈́͐͛̈́̀͆͒̍͗͘̚͝͠͝­̢̛͖͖̞͇̂̑̋̍̉̊̐̈́͌̋̄͑̉͛̂̎͛̌̐͌̊̔́̇͘͝L̶͋̀̈́̇͑̔͑̐̾͊̽̅́̿͛̀̇̽̍̆̉́̈́͐͆͂͘̚͠͠͝­̂͒̏̓̉̑͛̃̿̔͑̄̂̉̌̒̐͛̍̎̈́̆̈̐̀͆̐̓̽́̔̀̎́̇̽͗̔͑̈́̂̎̑̐̒̐͋͛̈͊͆͊̅̂́̿̔͌͗̕͘͠͝͝͝­̰̼̠̪̪̭̗̜̤͙̥͚͉̤̺̲̮̦̗̰͙͆̍̈̔̋̈͐̽͊̿̇́̍̎̈́̀͊̒̀̈́̊͛̎̏͒̑̓̒͌̒̅́̽͛̋͘̕͝͝͝͝͝͝ͅ­̢͉̺̬̱̦͖̜͓̣̣̜̱͕̜̫͔̝̫ͅ.

I want this to be real.

She stops- freezes, rather.
Her skin more pale than ever.
Her goosebumps visible on every inch of her naked body.

Her eyes seem colder, more blue.
Her ******* rising and
Lowering erratically with her searching breaths.
******* like diamonds.

Goosebumps as we touch.
Adrenaline. Hairs standing.
Every contact is a shock to the nervous system.

God, her skin is cold.
I grab the blankets and pull them up.
We kiss and warm up
Together.

In my head
I say the right things and land on the beat and the synonyms all rhyme.
In my head
I impress them all just enough to earn myself a picture on the wall.
In my head
I pursue with intent, gain interest follow through and succeed in gaining attention.
In my head
I don't just stare at her lips
                                                 *I feel them.

Sometimes I hold my breath until I pass out.
Just to taste what dead is like.

He loves concrete
And gray.

The desert,
His morning
Not her.

And through himself she cannot find one string on which to suspend a thought,
A speck of emotion, not one fiber optic of data relayed.

Hermit.

Instead of dragging knives across my skin
expressing self hatred or anguish,
I take small breaths of cigarettes.
It's liberating.
The minutes I can choose to take from my life.

I want to die young.

You said "Pull, and don't stop pulling until I tell you to."
I knew this was where my training as a wind breather was going to pay off.
I expelled all nitrogen, carbon dioxide, and oxygen from my alveoli
And pulled.

I pulled and I looked at you,
Staring at me.
I deconstructed your face, your hair, your teeth, your eyes, your clothes, your life.
I deconstructed your Mexico and what you did to my friend.
I deconstructed the cigarettes you and your brother bummed off of me.
I tore you apart.
Organism, *****, tissue, cell, organelle, molecule, atom, electrons protons and neutrons.

I couldn't pull any longer.
I don't know if you knew I couldn't,
Or simply determined I was set.
"Okay, stop."

I couldn't breathe out. I couldn't breathe in.
I was suffocating.
She put poison in my lungs and my body is dying.
Water.
Water.
It stops.
I can breathe.

My lungs recoil and I can see straight.

She poisoned me but I love her.

These cloudy nights I'm grateful
For how I cannot see you,
The way the water blocks your eyes
And makes my heart less see-through.

One year ago we made a choice
How fateful that weekend was,
By chance insomniatic texts
Lead to a night sin lust.

My car, coffee, a couch, so free,
I could spend days remembering,
My love for you had expanded
And beauty lead to simile.

"Your eyes are like the brightest stars."

And so began a life of soil
As I can only look down.
Not up, above, at those lights
For if I do I frown.

I recall your use of words
Beating around the bush,
Eventually you came to terms
And "I L you," came, pushed.

They say a prestige only works
If you can reappear.
I know you are not a magician
For nowhere are you near.

And since you left,
My heart feels cold
Whenever I look up.
I can't help but to wonder if
This will persist enough,
To drag onto my oldest days
How I had pushed my luck.

Overcoming you has been more than I care to say
Seeing past the facade before me has defined the fence
and hidden the gate.

I'm trapped here so long as you exist, no escape,
Without you, longing for another way to love
Or appreciate without you near.

I could passively sit and watch life pass you by
Or dig myself out and hope to finally say goodbye
Or simply end my life.

Forgetting you doesn't seem the option
Appearance in my dreams underlines your apathy
and my heart only spells caution.

*Te odio.

Psychoactive,
More active than your passive hashtags
I'm acting like passion's lacking in these masses
No more than attractive caskets
Really just static traffic, molasses,
Fashion classes? You're wearing classic ashes.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust
This *****.
Unstuck, this one's luck has run amok,
Adjust our distrust to highlight this unjustice.
I'm just one among us.

Us and them. Red and blue. White and black.
We're all dead, just lay me on the mat.
There's chitchat tryin' to get at where I'm at
And why I'm there.
It's riffraff.
I'm just kicking back.

Thermoplastic acrylic acid scent suspended in my sinuses
And red splatter on my glasses
Camel Turkish golds in my lungs
The way this air sits is low hung
It's impossible to make it by
Without asking why we play these games
With ourselves.
Always playing time games with ourselves.

These murals can't capture what I'm thinking
My breathing can't relay how or why I cheated this world.


I'm simply
Alone
And on top of this mountain.
Freezing, breaking the law.

To sleep and be okay is what I dream for
Longing no longer to wait out this storm
Merely content with the concept of existing
And let the world continue busy.

What I want most is to be seen
Right?
Tattoos, clothes, coffee shops.
Drifting my car in the snow
Writing in public.
Selfies.

I go on dates with pretty girls, but
They never really see me.
I haven't been seen in years.

I've had one percent good experiences
Ninetynine bad.
Scales are tipped in favor of suffering,
and yet those few times I've been seen still carry me.

Talking to <redacted> the other day was cathartic.
I miss her most of all
Even though things could never be how they were.
I don't really care about the past.
She made me happy and appeared in my dreams.

Annie is dying in my brain.
Bad politics.

I'm droning.
This is my diary, shared public for no apparent reason.
You get the **** with the gold.

Coffee with Amanda was enlightening. Brightening.
I feel chill with her.
Comfortable and excited.

We'll see if 2017 is worth living.
Sixteen at nineteen wasn't.
But I guess hope drove me through it
And Tyler.

Here's to coffee
And the pursuit of happiness.

In the tub
I'm bleeding.
My wrist is still open
And it won't stop if I keep submerging it in water.
I think that's what I want.

If I have less blood,
The NyQuil hits harder
If the blood thinners do their job
I won't clot
And I will die asleep.

That's the dream
Isn't it.

Such small arms you had
And how
Tight that sweater held you .
How
Tight
I held you,
Knowing how temporary
These moments are.

How peaceful your soft
Hair was in my face as we
Read and solved children's books.
Laughing and pointing.
Kissing.

I will never forget.

Seven minutes.
I guess that's what I spent outside today.
Seven minutes to smoke at a church
And violate it twice.
First with ***
Now with ash.

Ashes I shed
And how sad it has been
Alone.

I started doing new things
Maybe hoping that you would start caring.
Or maybe that they would **** me
And I could just stop beating.

Stop my heart. My loud heart.
Stop the hurt. The alone.

Stop beating
Stop beating

STOP BEATING
STOP BEATING.

breathe









I never really feel okay.
I'm not sure what I need,
But I'm pretty sure I'll never get it.
Seven minutes in heaven.
It's like there is no message.
I'll never get it.

Untouched by inactivity.
Untouched by activity.

Unmoved by push.
Unmoved by pull.

Impossible to affect
Impossible to revert me back.

Unfuckwithable is what they called it.
I will call it sturdy.

I will not be changed by you.
I am happy and I will not change because of you.

You.
You you you you you.