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These long winter roads I roam.
Back and fourth searching for warmth
Sunset, orange, passion fruit, sugar.
The sky lights up baby blue and mango
As brightness hides.
The cold pinches my cheeks and soaks through my skinny jeans.
As the frozen air bites my lungs, cigarette smoke has never tasted sweeter.

The grass CRUNCHes as I walk, frozen, semi-permafrost tundra.
Frozen pumpkins on every porch,
Cobwebs and skeletons still hanging from gutters.
As I fumble for my keys with frostbitten hands, hard candy has never tasted sweeter.

It's black.
The frost on the ground reflects my headlights.
I'm carried by the flying creatures in my abdomen as I step out of my car.
Weightlessly and anxiously I walk on the styrofoam grass.
Concrete more solid and gray than any other day,
I'm standing on your porch.
My tight, constricted, dry winter skin almost splits my knuckles as I knock and I laugh because I hear you coming to answer and I know I should have used the doorbell.
I'm greeted with thunderously chilled eyes and a fox smile.
My pacemaker gives out and time seems to freeze.
Time returns again when I feel your arms around my neck,
Pulling my corpse inside, warm air has never tasted sweeter.

You sit me down, bring me a hot drink.
I sip and burn myself.
I laugh again, a booming laugh. I almost fall off the couch, why am I so happy.
I'm able to right myself back up, I didn't spill anything fortunately.
I look at you and my pacemaker gives out again.
I need to get this thing checked.
You come over to me, sit on my lap,
Whisper a sweet nothing in my ear, and as my hairs begin to stand from the crispness in your voice, you kiss me.
In this life, lips have never tasted sweeter.

**You
Taste
Sweeter.
Venus, you turn me blue-
Butterfly, Neptune, lunar tunes.
Space music.
Gaia, giver of gourd and ground, fertile earth
Please ground me- I'm flying by butterflies
And birds and bees in my stomach-
Chest full of it.

Pounding
DUM DUM DUM
I lose weight and my legs give out
No nicotine high, high on you
This lilac bush- butchered for her flowers.
I'm high on nicotine tea.

Signs say,
"No Smoking,"
I laugh like it's joking
But take trespassing seriously.
I don't want a free pass to jail- my record's clean.
They're mean in jail- you're not mean,
I'd rather you be with me
We can hide from hail under trees
And look at stars- how far they are.
Making my hard heart POUND in this yard.

Green grass.
I'd let all color be gray for you if you choose,
And decorate with spray paint if that's what you say.
I'd paint the world or desaturate.
It's easy to play this game and how badly I want to play-
Pray to play.

Venus turn my Neptune from blue to gold
The goal of this game.
I'm saturated by soul.
Foxfire you burn holes in my heart and fill them just the same,
covering my veins with glitter-dust and Ashes,
These ashes rebirth into something bigger,
Warming quilt of feather, Phoenix rising
Rising storm,
This thunder fills my lungs and fills my throat I want to sing. Bring.
I want to sing out the tar from my lungs
I want to paint this concrete with my love.

My lungs love
Doves to red and dug in deeper, Gold.

Accomplishing nothing just minor goals.
This coal can be painted with gold.

Coral reef, alveoli
These cables fill holes in me.

Rebar, concrete.
These fables fill my holes with gold.

Doves fill my heart's holes.
**Love
     Is
          Gold.
Summoning the sun, these songbirds sing soulful,  solid, sounds. Surprisingly, they softly sing me to sleep. Sweet symphonies sweep my dreams.

I wrap my arms around this stuffed otter,
And pretend that it is her,
That she holds my arms on her chest
And we breathe in harmony.

Two more voices in this morning choir.
Goodnight, night. Good morning, morning.
Giant elephant god
There's no gods in this place,
I'm burnin' up,
Pachydermin' up
Water nymph in my face
I've got nothin' to say
'Gonna stay in my place
-And eat dirt-
It works,
The worms crystalize
Vitalicize
Italicize
They fertilize

These laughing nights I cry.

No elephant gods
No turtle worlds
It hurts for sure.

For magic there's not.

Knots in my stomach
I swallow blood clots
I can't swallow this.
There's no this no that
No cat in the hat
No magic
I'm ******.

So ****** in fact
I won't ride this
Anymore.
I'm confiding this
I'm not fighting this-
This is for you.
Not for you to use
Not for me to abuse
Simply for you to choose
To let me go.

I'm going to go.
Before the first snows,
Even my heart knows
I'm going to go.

There's no magic
Tragic.
No,
I'm going to go.
Put out your cigarette in my hand.
Burn me please.
These nights I spent with you are perfect.
And no light can exist in this world without darkness.
No joy without pain.
There has been no pain.
So please, G̷̛̔͑̓̈́̊́̓̀͛̉̃͊̓̂̋͆̒̎͂̃̃͋̏̂̀̇̄̇̾͆̇̑̈́͗͑͂̈́̅͗̊͊̉̅͂͐̊̄̈͑͋̕̚͘̚̚̕͝͝͠͝͠͠­̢̨̡̡̞̖̙͓̳̰̪̪̻̣͕̭̝̻̹̙͎͙̭̪̤̺̙͕̹̭͔͙̰̼̗̟̔̎̈́́̃̓͜ͅo̸̓̎͌̽̒̐͌̈́́͊͊̊̊͋̈́͐̋͗̚­̨̛͇͚̮̫͈͚̲̙͇̙̮͍͇̄̽̀̒̈́̏͆͒͗̇̾̋̀̄̅̊̋̀̍́̊̂̽̈́͐̈̿̐̏̂͑͋̍͋͋͛̋̇̀͑͂͘͘͘̚͝͝͝͝͠­̨̢̡̢̢̡̧̮̤̪̞̬̟͍͔̺̝͔̣̦̼̯͓͈̜̝͕̗̟͉̯͔͕̠̳̠͎̖̺͉͎̹̗̫͎̻̙̯̪̱͚̫̳͈͜͜ͅd̸͋͊̃̍̃̇­̨̨̧̨̢̢̬͉̫͓̥̣̝̝͇̠̮̗̜͕͍͚̤̳̭̪̜̳͙̣͙̝̰̲̳͇̮̱̩͔̯͗̿͂̂̊͂̐̑̄̓̉̎̾̑͗̆̈́̒̕̕͜͠ͅͅ­̨̡̧̡̢̧̧̧̞̲̯̮̥̻̲͓͖͇̻̫͉̭̲̪̙̤͈̲̫̼͈̺͈̱͇̹̮̰̻͉̞͓̣̙̭̙̜͕̝̟̫̝͓̫̰̩̙̞̜̹̪͜͜͜ͅ­̡̧̢̨͎̤̞̘͇͔͓͔̦͇̮̺̖̯͎̬͓̟̙͇̖̠̯̯̩, hurt me so I can know that this is R̶̨͕͔̘͉͉̳͎͔̟̣̤͈̬̫̭̥̟͙͕̟̬̎̏̊̌̍͌͌̽̐̇̽̌͑̒̓͗̽̄̅́̀͗̃̇̎̿̒̔̾̈́̀̊̚͘͘̕̕̚͜͠ͅ­̡̨̡̡̧̡̤̱͖̗̫̘͉͈̮̞͎̱̰̜̹̞̖̞̥͎̩̥͙̥͖̻͉̲̭̳̟̖͎͎̟̤̩̪͈̘͔̘̣͇̤͈̠̩̦̞͉̘͉̱̝̞̭͜ͅ­̧̨̡̨̢̢̧̢͚͔̪̣͕̙̗̯̯̥̖̯͍͚̟̫͙͓̦͖̠̱͔̥͇̪̘̪̙̖͚͓̩̲͍̦̗̝̬̣̗̲͍̖͜͜e̷͐̀̓͆̇͗̉̀̚­̨̛̛̛̫̥͈͈̼̼́̿̑̅̄͛̏̂̔͊̏̃̾̃͌̉̓̍̀̀́̂̍͌͗̄̓̓̅̍͐͑͗̌͗̏͗̾̓̄͋̉̌́̎͛̆̈́͒͂́̚̚͝͠­̧̱̟̰̻̗̜͚̗:̸̐̓̀̔̎͗̆͐́̅́̎̀̄͆̀̈̆̌̿̐͊̀̉̄͐͌̎̆̋̌͒̆̐͒͆̆̌̋́̌͛̃͊̀͒̃̉͊̚̕͝͝͠­̢̡̢̛̛͓̤̫͙̱͔̝͎̹̰͙͉͖̳͚̟̲̝̟̺͈͍͚̊̽̃͋̊͒̉̇̉̉́͐͋͛̉̉̊̾̓̎̓̎̈́̓̈̉́̓̊̀̎̋̅̅̓͠ͅ­̧̨̢̢̨̱̤͉̠͉͈̭̹̜͖̙̪͔͈̦̣̜̼̦̼̺͎̘͔͖̩͖̣̗̳̼̰̻̘͚͕̟̣͇̘̭̪̜̘̩̝̰̯͜͜͜ͅͅͅA̷̛̛̍̕­̛̛̛̓̔̋̇̓̃̎̄̍̑̆̔̋̊̒̿̓͑͒̃̀͑̽̿́̈́̄̂̌̔̒̽͛͂́̐̍͋̇͗̾̏͌̌̉̓̍̽̈́͐͛̈́̀͆͒̍͗͘̚͝͠͝­̢̛͖͖̞͇̂̑̋̍̉̊̐̈́͌̋̄͑̉͛̂̎͛̌̐͌̊̔́̇͘͝L̶͋̀̈́̇͑̔͑̐̾͊̽̅́̿͛̀̇̽̍̆̉́̈́͐͆͂͘̚͠͠͝­̂͒̏̓̉̑͛̃̿̔͑̄̂̉̌̒̐͛̍̎̈́̆̈̐̀͆̐̓̽́̔̀̎́̇̽͗̔͑̈́̂̎̑̐̒̐͋͛̈͊͆͊̅̂́̿̔͌͗̕͘͠͝͝͝­̰̼̠̪̪̭̗̜̤͙̥͚͉̤̺̲̮̦̗̰͙͆̍̈̔̋̈͐̽͊̿̇́̍̎̈́̀͊̒̀̈́̊͛̎̏͒̑̓̒͌̒̅́̽͛̋͘̕͝͝͝͝͝͝ͅ­̢͉̺̬̱̦͖̜͓̣̣̜̱͕̜̫͔̝̫ͅ.

I want this to be real.
She stops- freezes, rather.
Her skin more pale than ever.
Her goosebumps visible on every inch of her naked body.

Her eyes seem colder, more blue.
Her ******* rising and
Lowering erratically with her searching breaths.
******* like diamonds.

Goosebumps as we touch.
Adrenaline. Hairs standing.
Every contact is a shock to the nervous system.

God, her skin is cold.
I grab the blankets and pull them up.
We kiss and warm up
Together.
And wait until the sun brings sands and green warmth.
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