In my head
I say the right things and land on the beat and the synonyms all rhyme.
In my head
I impress them all just enough to earn myself a picture on the wall.
In my head
I pursue with intent, gain interest follow through and succeed in gaining attention.
In my head
I don't just stare at her lips
                                                 *I feel them.

Sometimes I hold my breath until I pass out.
Just to taste what dead is like.

He loves concrete
And gray.

The desert,
His morning
Not her.

And through himself she cannot find one string on which to suspend a thought,
A speck of emotion, not one fiber optic of data relayed.

Hermit.

Instead of dragging knives across my skin
expressing self hatred or anguish,
I take small breaths of cigarettes.
It's liberating.
The minutes I can choose to take from my life.

I want to die young.

You said "Pull, and don't stop pulling until I tell you to."
I knew this was where my training as a wind breather was going to pay off.
I expelled all nitrogen, carbon dioxide, and oxygen from my alveoli
And pulled.

I pulled and I looked at you,
Staring at me.
I deconstructed your face, your hair, your teeth, your eyes, your clothes, your life.
I deconstructed your Mexico and what you did to my friend.
I deconstructed the cigarettes you and your brother bummed off of me.
I tore you apart.
Organism, *****, tissue, cell, organelle, molecule, atom, electrons protons and neutrons.

I couldn't pull any longer.
I don't know if you knew I couldn't,
Or simply determined I was set.
"Okay, stop."

I couldn't breathe out. I couldn't breathe in.
I was suffocating.
She put poison in my lungs and my body is dying.
Water.
Water.
It stops.
I can breathe.

My lungs recoil and I can see straight.

She poisoned me but I love her.

These cloudy nights I'm grateful
For how I cannot see you,
The way the water blocks your eyes
And makes my heart less see-through.

One year ago we made a choice
How fateful that weekend was,
By chance insomniatic texts
Lead to a night sin lust.

My car, coffee, a couch, so free,
I could spend days remembering,
My love for you had expanded
And beauty lead to simile.

"Your eyes are like the brightest stars."

And so began a life of soil
As I can only look down.
Not up, above, at those lights
For if I do I frown.

I recall your use of words
Beating around the bush,
Eventually you came to terms
And "I L you," came, pushed.

They say a prestige only works
If you can reappear.
I know you are not a magician
For nowhere are you near.

And since you left,
My heart feels cold
Whenever I look up.
I can't help but to wonder if
This will persist enough,
To drag onto my oldest days
How I had pushed my luck.

Overcoming you has been more than I care to say
Seeing past the facade before me has defined the fence
and hidden the gate.

I'm trapped here so long as you exist, no escape,
Without you, longing for another way to love
Or appreciate without you near.

I could passively sit and watch life pass you by
Or dig myself out and hope to finally say goodbye
Or simply end my life.

Forgetting you doesn't seem the option
Appearance in my dreams underlines your apathy
and my heart only spells caution.

*Te odio.