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Jack R Fehlmann Oct 2021
"Hi! How are you?"

I start with a lie:  "I am good." Each and every single time.  


Why?  Because of the truth?  Fear of my hidden yet all too real feelings?  Shame?

or,

A practiced wish?  Longing?  

If I say it enough it might come true?

I hate to lie.  but each time I do.
Jack R Fehlmann Oct 2021
Mind tries to slide
to view
As if Their Eyes,
Their View
misinterpreted judgment betrays
the real, the hidden
genuine opinion and
unsaid conclusive
of who I am,
what I must be,
all I would do...
How they, them,
You,
don't know me
Not for all your trying.
My toiling, pleasing
The all of you
Fault
however, my very own
How, I, foolishly go on
believing that words
and simple truth in them
is, but it isn't is it?
Enough.
When reasons must
be dug and hunted
Dreamt up for all I know.
Imagined.
to justify the lack of respect
and act of
childish retaliation presented
As it plagues the acts
they,
themselves do.
In the very mirrors reflection
Of these actions
As they, them,
All of you project
upon me empty of proof.
******* assumptions.
Weakly held excuses
By whom?
I don't, won't, even as
They have, shall, will.
I bear what others do.
Jack R Fehlmann Oct 2021
Lettering all encompasses
every degree my heart bleeds
My head against paper remembrance
The emotions my blanket
Press against as I drift away
All those lines pressing in
To devour  what I left behind
Come dawn and once more my return
Thy shell infused again
I will still miss you.
Jack R Fehlmann Oct 2021
Remembering

What a bladed edge such is.

Invitingly, dangerous

And yet...

To not,.. be not

in past tense...

Matters only what one wants

One did... Or not.

There is this

I guess.
Jack R Fehlmann Oct 2021
I pause
At a thought...
If any of Them, knew,..
Knows... The brutal entirety
Of this hollow chested,
Crushing weightless
Vertigo into falling
Feeling.  
The Caught breath... Again?
Eyes trying, failing,
Crying place I am in?

Would they search or call out
Or worry?  Would they know where to look?
This is my fault...

I think to myself...
Jack R Fehlmann Sep 2021
I've seen the nature of my ways
Been the things that I've heard others say
Tried to become that thing
Presented my best at least
in practice to stumble and fall
is falling all the same.
I am such a conundrum anymore
So used to not aiming for
the same things I think I'm needing
upending the clay beneath my feet
into disorganized heaps all around
a hole my efforts seem single mindedly
hellbent on creating without a muse to guide me
I am not great. not today.
these days of safety and of others
trying and hoping are wasted
not for not trying but, I am still the same
one who pretends to have a hold
dawns an determined grimace with
two more so eyes that surely communicate
how uncapable the soul inside is
struggles with weaknesses and chemicals
mixed inconsistently to a cocktail of wasted potential
im not okay.  not today.
not at all, i don't change
only I don't want to trust
not anyone, most not myself
not wont, just don't, I don't expect
any less from anyone
I am clueless and I am of little faith of what there is left in me to continue being so
not okay. no.
Jack R Fehlmann Sep 2021
Whose eyes have eyed
quick lines composed by thee
Few they may be but true
A lone soul said
to the empty world.

Sad.  Aye it may be
Said to be said
heard to exercise demons
which are we
the heard,
or the one that said it

Now, I really
really must I
go.
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