A puzzled thing of thoughts.
Its own harsh judge
Watching always this mess of
Nothing great and nothing grand.
Two parts of one facing off.
Desperate for and too guarded.
Loving, outwardly too much
To entertain such notions,
Placed purposely by subtle sabotage.
Sculpting the view the two sides
Agree to see him to be.
Now I'm realizing what's been done.
Too long, too far gone, too late to change
Back to anything the one may want.
Ive brought this on and I ****** up
Adjust my acceptance to a lonely
Life to wait through until gone
Because I've been afraid and I got exactly what cowards ought to.  
An awful thought to wake up each day believing.

Promise a light, innocent thing
A gesture at times simply said
Enough to warrant disappointment
Though I know I never meant to
I sometimes misplace intent
I don't mean too.  I'm awful
To not do all I thought to
But I get that you don't trust
The Intent that I meant to
After all words are often meaningless
and intent alone won't do much more
Than lose the trust of those that matter most.

Held out; Missed myself
Unchosen; unknown reasons
Proof; never certain.
Know now; should've listened

Brilliant rays no longer
The night has devoured all color
No moon to remind one of Sol
Only muted ambient blues and purples
Stars spy us as a star from afar
Crickets song battles silence
Most fall off to fantastic inner visions
While seemingly I alone
Watch from a window the monochromatic
So much like the mind I find
When in the deeps of depression
The sun will come
I know, but no colors with it
Unless I force my eyes to see them.