1
whether the weather has changed
or whether the weather is just the same
whether you are a weather skeptic
or a weather septic, or doomsday climatologist –
horribly or incorrigibly either way –
the weather has its field day, and ocean day
either way, trumping all our noses
whatever our beliefs
each day

2
Just a matter of routine
the other day,
all in a day’s work -
roar and boom! went the earthquake
over the city, and everything was rubble –
well, what could be worse than that?
swoosh and **** next it sounded
we had a tsunami coming over –
"Hey, we’re just being helpful," said the deluge
"We’re just washing everything away"

Just a matter of routine the other day
all in a day’s work
Said the hurricane to the coconut trees
along glossy Eden’s shores:
"Hold on to your nuts, you tall fellas -
this is no ordinary ******* you’re gonna get!"
And far out at sea
where Noah might have gone
where ocean meets ocean,
one ocean waved to the other
and beat his chest:
"Did you sea what I just did?"
And irriatted with the silence
it said: “I’m sure you did, beach!"

Just a matter of routine the other day
all in a day’s work

I can hear  her yelling out to me. She's inviting me to come closer, to fall into her trap. She's got the eyes of the devil, and the lips of an angel.
She tries to find ways to entrap my body; to really get under my skin. Her hair falls in brown curls down her spiny back. Her bony hands reach up to hold my own, and I'm stuck.
I'm stuck between two worlds. I can't find out what is reality and what is made up. My mind is set on the girl in my mirror. Her red lips gnawing my neck. Her fragile legs around my waist.
She's screaming my name. Mine! She's pulling my own curly, brown mane. She's locking those beautiful lips onto me own.
I blink, and she's off of me. I look at my mirror, hoping she's staring back at me. All I can see is her from behind. She's turned her back on me, and I'm desperate to know why. I reach my hand out to her, but all I can feel is solid glass.
She turns, a smile tugging on her lips, and vanishes.

as a thirteen year old,
I had to grow up a little too fast and put up my big girl pants on
due to daddy losing his job.

as a thirteen year old,
I found a new way of expressing myself.
but, instead of painting or screaming,
I did both,
and began painting with crimson
and screaming along with the rest of the voices in my head.

as a fourteen year old,
I turned down the medication they said I needed to survive
and got clean,
deciding I could do it all on my own.

as a fifteen year old,
I fell in love with a boy that was no good for me,
and whose worlds were like gasoline,
and whose touch was like fire.
daddy never approved,
and mommy always shook her head in disappointment.

as a sixteen year old,
I lost myself in whiskey,
and fell back into using my thighs as a canvas
after three years of being clean.

as a sixteen year old,
my eyes stung with salt water from crying an ocean almost every night.
and I lost my soul and became a walking corpse with dead lifeless eyes.

as a sixteen year old,
I never got along with mommy.
I told her we shouldn't talk anymore.
I told her I hated her.

as a sixteen year old,
I look back on when I was thirteen,
and I'm blown away with how much of a disappointment I am.
and how saving myself isn't something I want.
it's something I need.

as a thirteen year old,
I never thought I'd be such an awful daughter,
and such a terrible person.
and I most defiantly never thought my life
would turn out as tragic as
*this

You were everywhere.
You were in the books I read,
You were in the songs I listened,
You were in the poems I wrote,
And you were even with me—
in my head, in my veins.
Everywhere I go,
You’re with me.
It seems impossible,
To even breathe without you.
I need you like I need cigarette at 3am.
I need you like I need coffee at 5am.
And it’s like my heart bleeding,
Knowing you don’t need me.
I'm all empty,
left bleeding by you,
who swore to love me.
But for you, I’ll bleed myself *dry.

I give her my jacket knowing when she’s gone
It will still smell like her hugs

Putting my arm around her shoulders is more honest
Than when I raise my arm to the square

I don’t know where she is going in life
But I wouldn’t mind if it were the same place I was

The wind blows silently when she is speaking
Because even the flowers want to listen

If her smile were a disease, I would gladly infect myself
Especially if there were no vaccine

My chest is an air mattress when her head rests against it
I don’t mind when it deflates, brining her a little closer

Even in the winter I can smell fresh-cut grass
And it brings back memories I wish she were a part of

If I were made of mirror, when she looked at me
She might understand why I stare

i haven't said two words
since i arrived back home.

i told her through my silence
that i was failing her and
myself.

she can't hear my thoughts
but they sneak into her head
and she is aware of what
i want to say

tomorrow i will not feel much different.

alienation is only the beginning
of a long list of grievances i face:

poor decisions
poor judgement
a more than momentary
lapse in happiness.

memories pour in through
my nose and ears,
triggering reactions I'd care
not to have.

i am filled to the brim with panic.
stop. breathe. stop--

the other night i cried myself to sleep.
heavy, heaving sobs. stop.
heavy, heaving sorrow. again.

when it is all over
simultaneous emptiness
is paired with intense feeling

but i am not sure of what.

Today I felt that old familiar burn in my chest.
the kind that reminds you his memory still hasn't left
and my hands shook so bad I had to walk away.
restless anxiety surging through my veins.

I waited so long out of fear, to ask questions with answers I wasn't ready to hear.
don't kid yourself, kid cause everyone knows
there are moments you think of him when you're still alone

Like his lips on the couch coming toward your face
then you run to the kitchen to back n forth pace
because for a second you almost remembered his taste.

that's a thought you're not allowed to embrace.

Cause you heard he isn't doing too well,
the boy who stole your wishes with every penny that fell,
vulnerable his life but no longer you're not.

don't think about him.
don't think.
stop.