I don’t think I fear anything more than being rejected; I have been rejected more times than the counting a 5 year old knows

Little kid isn’t afraid to jump in puddles, splashes of mud cake his jeans hems and droplets of mud line on his chin to cheeks to his hairline and

He does his little dance out in the street if he hears his favorite song play, he sings lullabies in broken voice, messing up all the words, but smiling nonetheless

He is fearless, careless and blind to the world’s cruelty.  what happens to us? Does society change us to such an extent that I rather not post anything than post 2 lines on which I am going to judged mercilessly?

I hate it, when you don’t reply to my texts, I hate that I am left hanging up in the air, hands outward, toes clinging on to metal bars so I don’t fall off

Tell me what is wrong with me? I am not afraid to hear it. Just tell me why can’t you like me?

What is so wrong about me? Days like these I want nothing more to go back to being a 5 year old; I had nothing to worry about,

just pouring flowers into white sheets ,colors that ran out of petals and trees that looked more like a nest of green lines

And dancing, round and round, like a ballerina, laughing, giddy, looking upward in the sky, smile so wide that if lifted my mom’s health problems and money problems that plagued my daddy

I don’t think I want anything more to be just wanted and needed; nobody ever makes me feel that way,

I always feel like I am an extra, on the movie set, I just really want to be ****** of someone

For just once, I want to be free, away from the clutches of ravens, I want his fear of rejection to just vanish, and so I can do crazy things, and figure out who I am and who I am supposed to be

I hold the negative feeling closer; I hold them like a bag filled with candy on the night of Halloween in a little boy’s arms,
I haven’t learnt that they give you cavities yet, my brain wrapped up in folds and folds of sheets made up of envy
Envy is like an old tree roots, springing from everywhere trying to get to the surface, the surface prone to erosion, is ****** into the black hole of envy
I can’t deny that I don’t like you talking to her, no I don’t, and I don’t even who I am anymore
This is not the person that I used to be, you have changed me so much, I worsen and worsen like a sapling left without sunlight
They say I run, away from feelings, oh I have tried to run away from you for so long but I fail like the ant trying to climb the 18th floor building,
                                     And all this time I have kept my inhaler closer to my lips than ever
You hold me close like bag full of lyrics that are going to numb your burning slashes, that’s what I am, the medicine,
But I am never the lover or the girl who speaks of things that make you laugh, like the way the poppies laugh in the soft breeze or sunflowers in the meadows
I have said goodbye more times, than the no of times, the oranges have bled their citrus in my eyes while peeling and onions have made my cry while slicing
I need to slice all my feelings, dissect them, write the formulas and theories on the white sheets and paste them on my wall,
                                         For everytime I am on the “running back to you” stage of separation
I will hold the negative feelings as far as possible; his dentist just gave him a root canal and filled up 8 cavities,
I think he has had enough of candies without brushing twice for a while and I think I have had enough of you for a lifetime.

She is drawn to SATAN like an addict to ******
She burns her fingertips, edging them into candle wax, mourning in the absence of Lucifer
“Dear valentine “she cries in the stark midnight, she won’t give in this time
She licks her raven shot gun, lining all the bullets in the form of pentagram
All she can hear is ringing in her head, he has made her weak,
Dangly calves, wrists scarred, teeth marks on her neck & heart scattered-
Like the ashes of his past lover’s
Traits of an incubus, seducing naïve women
Toying with their hearts, Masking his destructive tendencies, like a Russian politician
Eyes all pleasant lies, lips uttering praises for the rival’s spoken lines

Rough *** wont her mind, her heart wont subdue to his crimes
She is a fighter, he is a sinner
Smoke edged fingertips, lips turning into a wicked glee, bow down to the madhouse queen
Insanity is a welcomed relief, freedom from his infidelity
Pressing on the lever, pointed directly at his cerebrum
“Venomous mind, you should’ve have never thrown your heart in confines, you would have been alive”
CRACK! Led by a passage of dead silence, later morphed into scavengers screeching and agile flapping of inky wings.

It’s almost 6, and the night is fighting with the last rays of sun,
Its armor and sword are both stronger the glow of sun, Stars comes out like your eyes, breathing down my neck,
Sitting across the Chinese restaurant in, with a cigarette dangling in your fingers blazing as harshly as bitumen laying on road as your skin on my skin was last night
You have been constantly eying me like I am breast of the freshly cut chicken,
I take slow sips of my beer, opening and reopening my fortune cookie, but it’s already been cracked and my fate has been sealed,
I pity the planets and us, we all are stuck in our orbits, and we always talk about the corruption in Russia and about pirates in Somalia,
We take detour of this city, and only this one, driving circles around the Wal-Mart, buying coffee beans and condoms,
I quiet my raging mind, which writes essays about the Greek gods and Atlantis; it fights with the night, but night plays word-games,
It twists its words into lyrics of lovers and pours them in my mouth, and twists its fingers in my ******
Its, almost 8, there are two bottles on the table, emptied like my heart, your ash tray full like your lungs with smoke and lust
Its 8, and sky is cobalt with streaks of lighter shades passing through like the Helicopters on Independence Day and I take this as my sign, and leave 20 dollar bill and a letter which screams “I’m gone”,

Bustling street and a Vegas sky welcomes my heart to the possibility of finding Atlantis.

I waited 8 periods, 7 hours, in between searching for you, running around the corridors,
Like a psychosis affected patient running trying to find reality through delusions,
But "planet", ironically you are my delusion, miles away from the brutal reality.
My excuses to see you were drying up; sprinting to the top floor that maybe you‘ll come across,
Ecstatic like a 5 year old kid, when his rents buy him a toy helicopter,
Disappointed like the poor kid as his helicopter crashed on the first day itself.
You’re nerdy, the only guy studying java and oracle with interest, enticing me with your mint and cedar scent,
This infatuation is eating my heart up, slowly and slowly, like cancer
I came today only to see you, desperately clinging to the belief that maybe you’ll come to see me too.
But I was left alone, with the burning sun as my only companion.
I woke up hours early, straightening my hair till my hair were singed, applying mascara till my eyes burned.
I fancied, that possibly you might think of me too, day dream of me too,
but darling  curse me for being a hopeless teen, as its getting me nowhere.
Everyone keeps telling me its never going to happen, I’m a junior and you a sophomore
& when your azure lids never glance my way, my face turns ashen, even during the Indian summer.
And who am I to even try to fight with the bitter truth,
for it’s always destroying our little fragile hearts and drowning them in acid and absinth
It was so silly of me to even give into these treacherous day dreams, to even let my pride escape.
I was absurd enough to even like you, knowing even then, that I will never be able to solve this Rubik cube.

Dear AK.S,

I wanted to write you poetry, but my words fail when it comes to you, but my heart revives when i think of you,and i still don’t know why you call me the queen of cheesiness,surprising name.
I wanted to coat our times with synonyms and rhymes and metaphors,but when comes to us, simplicity is the beauty.
Simplicity might not be beautiful to you, but i hold it like like a fragile flower plucked from its ***, and put in a vase,with water, mere water, what is water in front of dreams.
And you have known my dreams circling around new york and road trips from the beginning and i have known your dreams, around chasing boys and the boys who circle around you like man-eating lions, since the beginning, yes, i disapprove of every boy you have ever liked, but YOU held me tight when i drowned in the hopelessness of these dreams, and i hugged you, and ranted about how they were foolish frogs, little *****, as we blocked them on Facebook and they floated away like clouds, their lanes got cut-off from our highways.
We have danced with flaming fire ,and danced ,jumping across barbed wire and we have danced with cunning liars, and times have made us dance to beats that deafen out hearts,
And we have screamed and shouted, in the club like maniacs chasing after beats,and out of club like we have just lost limbs , like Britney spears and will.i.am not at all like them.
And dare i forget, the coffee trips and song tags, nine inch nails,to t swizzle, macchhiato to java mocha chip we have covered them all, we have dreamt of texan to cali beaches and we have dreamt of those new york skyscrapers and apartments all white filled with Bukowski and Lang Leav, we have lived on the edge and lived with the mainstream,
We have lost it all, like distorted bouquet, and we have forgotten all the love and given out aré hearts to people to rip the pictures of each other inside of us, and we have fought and fought brutal civil wars, and world wars with nuclear bombs to have to all back, to have it all back,

WHY?

WHY?

Because no one can compare to you, to the words you say, even if sometimes they are like requests of candy crush game, no one could make me as happy as you do even if our bad days are like a B-grade horror movies, and i am pretty sure are, you have no one that talks as much *** as do, so you only keep me around to hear my wild fantasies, but our good days are better than 90’s rom-coms.
We hurt the ones we love, inevitable, and regretful, but we burn and scatter the ashes of those moment for those we know we wouldn’t be better off with,   and i have burnt countless chocolate molten lava cakes to come up with the perfect gooey one for you.
In all honesty darlin ,this final attempt did come out perfect, it needs a little finesse on the edges but we can sort that out, we have won, we have won wars that they haven’t seen ,and when they look us like we are made of stars, they could not even reach, i know, I know travelling 10 light years and all these meteors shooting through me , the gruesome struggle to reach the stars has been worth it.
I wanted to write you sonnets that will do down in posterity and sing you pitch perfect love songs in front of millions, and graffiti your face in thousands of brick walls throughout the landmasses,
                                                            but all i have is this love which grows like wildfire,
                                                          which I hope is enough for this lifetime.
SO PLEASE STAY,EVEN IF WE MOVE TO DIFFERENT CITIES NEXT YEAR.

I PROMISE TO **** ALL THE WASPS AND SPIDERS THAT FIND THEIR WAY IN FOR YOU.

Love, V.J

Funny how life seems everything but not worth any more pain,

the snow is reducing to hail outside my Parisian window but it will take me years to thaw your heart

I put the frozen peas in the microwave and hope what would it be like to have all fragments of your should lay defrosted on my bone china plate

But all that happens is that I keep on romanticizing pain and contemplating that if my ruptured ligament can heal up in 3 weeks,

                  Then why can’t our hidden love embolden up into a bone?

Funny how all my dreams seem to have left their axis and moved farther away into some other galaxy and nothing seems right anymore,

            And you who seemed like the only date I waited for in the calendar,

Has turned into the Mayan code of Mayan calendar that I can’t decipher at all.

It’s not okay,  that your friends came to ask me what my name is, and then they tell me that you love me.
I don’t I will never understand how you just like someone without even knowing the basics of them.
You stupid person, I am trying not to judge you, but are a immature little ****,
Who thinks getting facebook display picture with shades and ultra attitude quotes is cool,
But I don’t like south park, I’m a Simpsons person, you have liked this page called I hate books,
Well, honey I am nothing without books, you like to quote Eminem’s old song, "hello people of the earth, look at me, I am the boss", funny how that’s you only rapper you know you peon,
And I don’t like dragon ball z, what are we in class 5 again? You have like 1000 friends on facebook, which screams desperate to me
And I don’t want to be ****** and rude, but you could have told me yourself, that like me or any alternative, I didn’t want to hear that from all your friends giggling at me the weird way, you could have manned up a bit ;
It’s sad to me you actually don’t understand the meaning of girlfriend, you think they are for a week only and to boast about it to your friends that you have got a senior girlfriend
That the most funniest thing is that you are only a year younger than me but how it feels like to me that you are 3 years younger, and to add to that,
You think you are such a stud, well you look like ****, news flash.

Coral evening sky casting a warm glow, in this lightening claimed dusky sky
Your shy smile bursting into a fit of giggles as I tickle you, my fingertips pressed to your belly, lingering
Starry eyes mirroring this evident desire,
                                                         ­            A melancholy lullaby crackling into a fire laced ballad
My lips meet yours, and here we are lost in this fragile moment, like a flitting darting bird
Savoring it, tongues dancing across the shorelines of my molars, like this is the first and the last time
You pull the curtain, unbuttoning, yanking the shirt off my body; solace is your only quest
Your lips licking my earlobe, whispering verses of ******* addicted musicians, but you prefer ecstasy
Your fingers tracing the raven tattooed on the nape of neck, trailing down needy kisses along my spine
Your trying to blur it all out, I’m trying to save you darling, from yourself,
                                                       ­        I need this too more than you know, but I love you more
Disasters have a tendency to reside in your ribs for a longtime, striking often-
                 Causing violent tremors
                   Leading to noxious EARTHQUAKES.
Your cat stopped breathing 6 months ago, she had punctured her lungs
I remember you screaming, trashing all the memories so that it stops hurting,you repressed it all.
You loved that furry little brat more than you hate fate.
Your grandfather expired last month, his led zeppelin, bon jovi records drown in loneliness now
Wrinkly smiles told stories of cosmos, aliens, he was a crazy man. The best nonetheless.
Chemotherapy drained out all the money and smiles, leaving your brittle heart suffering from paroxysm.
When he died, you kept shouting for hours straight, they had to sedate you.  You blanked out.                 I know you are sinking in the abyss of hopelessness and you’re trying to escape, escape this AMNESIA,
                                                        ­                                                                 ­         that is running after you.
But love, let me in, I know you’re afraid, but I vow, I’ll prove to be sempiternal.
And I swear I’ll be there cupping these rare innocent moments and preserving, holding you close, kissing you even when the rainfall doesn’t seem to stop.

Days and days pass, buds bloom into flowers, they grow into a love, pluck them like stars, but they fade out,

Their night is longer than stars and in our case; we can’t ever seem to find the reflection of the sun rays on our face

The bouquet of crimson roses wilt in the absence of truth, I lay on my bed, sorting out the messes where my hands lay guilty,

Counting out my faults and slashing out the expectations I branched out from spring and summer

Millions of seconds spent throwing words around like cars smashing into trucks,

We were both careless drivers of this galaxy that we called ours,

Forgive me dear lover, I never had the water in me to pour to the seedlings,

Our kisses bled into accidents, and you were never a fire-fighter

Days and days passed we gave into pain just for the sake of what our past is made of,

Distance bit us, poisoned our veins with plague and our hearts wilted like the roses you used to give me every day,

But I never pressed our love the way I pressed the roses in the art books.

The sun grew away; we were left deserted in the tunnel without calendars and time passed us by,

Motionless we grew; winter came in and never left, but here we are waiting for the trains,

For the final parting that was due a long time ago.

“When are you leaving?” unknowingly, words slipped out of her mouth, he was packing all of his ancient Mario game discs, in a hurried state.
“Soon” he replied, slowly, he had to leave or would lose his mind, she was driving him insane in every way possible, her heart faltered a little bit more, as he stuffed more things in the duffel bag
Then he asked”why? You’ll miss me?” smirking, his lips drawing into tender smile
“Maybe” doubting, of what she is to him, not knowing of the importance she carries to him.
“Answer me in yes, or no, nothing in-between” he raised his voice a little, waited, he had been waiting, patiently for this moment, he has been in love with her for a while  now, but she had never been responsive, now that he is leaving, cruel fate is looking his way
“Yes, I will, the essence of you” her lips etching in to a smile, then she looked the other way, hiding.
Her heart has been broken to many times before, it’s a risk, but her gut says he’ll be worth it.


I will miss the notes you wrote, symbols you marked in all of my Bukowski books, how you sat in the run-down library across the street, and devoured frost.
I will miss the raspberry flavored macaroons you left in the coffee show where we first met every morning for me, with a snippet of your favorite lyrics attached to the box.
I will miss the way you clicked pictures of me at the oddest of time, with my Polaroid, they always turned out funny and crazy, but you framed them, and hung them on your bedroom wall like the moon hangs in the cobalt sky, delicately, fixed, reminding you of how no matter how hard the times are, a piece of beauty will always be there.
I will miss all the mess in my tiny apartment, all of your shirts, books, PS games and vinyl records tangled together, spewed all over the floor.
I will miss the way you had freckles all over your nose and your weird laugh, the ways your eyes crinkled whenever I made horrible jokes and you wanted to contain yourself from laughing.
I will miss running my hands through your hair, giving excuses that I just want to know how soft they are ,I said they are not ,so every time you washed them, and wanted to prove I am wrong  I was in pure delight.
I will miss you waking early to just watch that 90’s sitcom Seinfeld and way you laughed at a loud volume through it, waking up the neighbors’ dog and your horrible bathroom singing making me cringe and my ears cry.
I will miss your cedar and minty scent and the way your heart beats against mine, hard, quick, pounding against your ribcage, when we are wrapped in each other’s arms.
Yes, I admit I am in love with you and will miss you terribly. Everything about you and all the things you do.
So can you please stay?
Please stay?
Will you?

You, you out there somewhere the universe, we met so beautifully on new year’s eve ,me and my friends were dancing ,you were standing lonely in the corner like a little boy just waiting for invitation, your taller than most guys and your smile lit my night on fireworks, I didn’t hope for anything, nothing at all, and with 20 seconds of insane courage, dragged my friend to the spot where you were standing, and over the loud music, and condescending adults and holding a basket of hope close to my heart asked, with my best smile in my red sweater, “wanna come and dance” a moment of boldness for a girl who has always been shy and reserved, you smiled that thousand watt bulb smile and came with us, danced next to me, hesitating, not knowing much steps, a little shy, I liked you.

The DJ was ****, and kept playing songs that I didn’t like,and my friends kept pushing me towards you, you seemed like sun that night and I kept orbiting around you, we taught you a few steps and I smiled at you and kept assuring you that you were doing fine, we quit dancing for a while and went our separate ways, after the countdown , I went up to you wished you a happy new year, I wasn’t hoping for anything, but you held you your hand out and your eyes shined brighter than pole star, and my heart stood a little taller.

I drink gallons of chicken soup bowl after bowl, trying to hold off tears, and wishing I had a typewriter, as the noise of typewriter keys sound so angry like the beats of my heart.

After a little while, a little while after dinner my friend pushed me out of comfort zone, blackmailed, forced me to go talk to you, and I thought what the heck, what do I have to lose, David is miles away, not knowing how much I miss him.

So I went up, ”hey, um I didn’t catch your name earlier “and there it went ,a start to the most amazing 2 hours, and we got talking and talking, and I held my heart on my sleeve, broke my shell, stepping into this danger zone of actually liking you, you told me about the university you go to, and your love for Christmas and how sports is your life, I told you how much I hated the people of my school and how December Is my favorite month and how my hand eye coordination is as bad as your dancing.

We laughed and laughed, and you offered me your Chocó-chip ice-cream, which you so dearly love, and I refused, told you ‘I’ll go get myself some later” we beamed talking about our addiction to chocolate, you asked for my phone number and since we lived so nearby  ,I suggested that we should hang out sometime and you excitedly said definitely and let’s eat dimsums, and  I don’t think I remember being this happy in a long time, my friends hogged around me and kept asking what happened, I looked at you ,little embarrassed , and you laughed understanding, then shrugging it off, later  when it got a little awkward as all the adults were staring as us, I left and went up to my friends who were in a middle of photo session.

I couldn’t say bye to you, I never got to know when you left.

He was afraid that if she closed her eyes they would never open again
She was always tired these days, her smile stunted, the crinkling in her eyes when she laughed, foreshadowed by the tears,
Like rain droplets underneath which they danced at 3 pm in the Missouri crossings,
And after the luminous laughs shared and warmth shared between their lips came her sickness, closer than ever, threatening to force them apart
Fever always forced her way inside her head, and cough rented her lungs paying the rent in the form of monthly hospital trips
He always held her hand, kissing the back of her palm, clutching it harder than an addicts grip on white powder,
They diagnosed her with tuberculosis, her lungs, breathed out melodies of Coldplay and Laura marling for him when the night felt too long,
                              Now they breathed in his pain, his fear of losing her to darkness.
Her sunken pale face, wishing on anything and everything that proves to be lucky, an eyelash, sight of a black car when driving underneath train on a bridge,
Crossing fingers to survive through this nightmare that has sketched its outline,
                                                        ­                                          And filled its grey shades in their lives.
He cocoons his body around her in the white bed, her fragile body, connected with an I-V, they could have been a beautiful butterfly, but destiny stunted their growth
She just wants to close her eyes to wish, for the last time, to be able to see his face every day for the rest of the eternity,
                       But he is afraid that if she closes her eyes, she might never open them again.

I burnt my tongue a week ago--
Too much of scalding coffee and lies [on your part],
But I swallowed it with a couple of anti-depressants
I have forgotten how creamy, toffee powdered mocha tastes like and your lips,
They used to taste like macchiato, as time passed by,
                                                                ­         Maple leaves drizzled autumn, burst into slashing icy winter,
Your lips started tasting like black coffee, like tar, most of the days it’s only a figure of speech,
Warning sign blinking all day long in my head, when I can’t hold it in my fingers,
When it’s escaping out of my grasp, ready to run, making space for the sugary vanilla layer
But then there are days, when you find your way back underneath my sheets,
My duvet, the only witness, sadly silent all too similar to my will power screaming inside my head,
And here are you fictious sentences, framed with such precise,
Knocking down all the walls I tried to built, leading to defeat,
                                                                ­                     Holding me chained like a slave.
All my fury fueled sentences burn like fire, vengeful riff of an electric guitar within my mind,
When your fingers encircle me, rough nibs of your lips on the nape of neck, palm tracing lies on my tailbone
All the fire drowns in crafted lies, ashes of my dignity scattered, a bleak watered down-
                                                           ­                    Note of a single string as the soundtrack of my misery.
I burnt my tongue last night--
Too much of your blazing skin and lies but I spitted it all out,
This brittle heart not so brittle anymore heated at 1,300*c, on the kiln again and again-
                                                          ­                                                   To form an everlasting nature.
Arteries have clotted, hatred burning bright within, lungs suffocating starving for oxygen and blood,
Like the dragon breathes fire, I’ll breathe out the scathing curses; and leave with my dignity intact
Barely responding to all your shameless deeds.

It happens, like drifting, like falling, and her words calming and refreshing like the gust of strong breeze in the month of June,

Take me way, from the polluted world, this world so selfish, so eager to take your love like industrialists acquiring as much of land as they can,

But never wearing heart their on their sleeve, or like cutting farmlands and building casinos on them rearing greed,

No, no you’re not beautiful, look in the mirror; can u see the innocence and honesty?

That you lost to thousand lies written on texts, spoken on phones, lies gradually building and swirling like tornadoes breathed into eyes, eyes that once loved you and glowed when you spoke

I have lost the innocence, in the hurry to grow up, speaking of things and words that appear mature to me, but knowing that the meaning of these words is lost to me, for my heart yearns to hope again,

Hopes to learn to trust again, to believe that love is all that we need. But all of these are lies.

The growing up is painful and so is living in this world which accurately teaches you math’s and physics, but only leaves you to calculate the demonic deeds you do,

And how your are only surrounded by ghosts of what used to be honest mass of skin and bones.

And, and if your are truly lucky and may have showered love on your close ones, showers like that of July bursting and lighting up the earth with buds of belief of survival  and loved the way tree roots are loyal to the soil with your past lovers

Then, it happens like lightening in deserts, all your fears drown but a new kind of fear also crashes against your body,

It happens like that, you can’t breathe without them but then again they are the only ones that can steal your breath from your lungs by kissing someone else,

But they mend your broken wing of lost trust, and show you again what it feels like to swing back and forth on the rainbow colored swings in the afternoon rain, with your hair flying everywhere and your heart finally feeling free of this burdening world,

**And they show you how, love is all you need.  And that isn’t a lie

A fragile little bird, with a torn wing sits on a wire, separate from the others, clinging to himself in the cold wind

All his life he has had to hold his lungs close to himself, hold his heart even closer, for heart is a traitor

Hold it in, close the doors and nail the wooden planks, line the heavy furniture long the doors ,walls naked devoid of any ink that would sketched his heart,

Windows bleached to strip off any residue of sunlight that might have clung to it, fragments of his soul and snatches of painful memories and strings of feather lie like a rug on the floor,

Thousand words as lithe and sharp as spears and bullets, crash, burn, the outlines of his heart, they steal an inch of his soul little by little,

  Terrorists crawling into the skyscraper, there are 22 bombs on the top floor

There are thousand bombs in his heart, that never burst like anguish of people does, but when it bursts,

It busts like meteorite crashing, tearing, slashing, and destroying every inch of land that ever grew flowers

A bird, careless and homeless, falls off from the pole, the fragile little bird opens up his arms, she descends  like an autumn leaf, signal of change,

Her painting lines his empty walls, and her words clambered up his heart and opened up his arteries

But she, a careless little bird, saw pale skin; she never saw the flaming mind looming inside,

And it burst like an atom bomb, bullet filtering though her veins

His aim was never at her, but she was the victim of his anger

His anger was only consequence to those thousand bullets aimed at him,

The fragile little bird like a crystal glass dropped, crashes into tiny shards,

That ****** your feet and bleed into droplets of lost happiness.

You are like a cigarette** burning in my lungs with a speed of paper turning to raven ash when lighted up,

You flick you lighter, within your fingers, within your lips lies the taste of my blood

This road that we took, this love turned out be threaded together in such a way, that we could never unravel it

You puff out my love like the swirls of smoke disappearing in the thin air; I choke on the hardened state of your words like tar

This road isn’t being paved, it’s being dug unevenly from every breathing space, and the smoke is filling up in my lungs the way your ashtray is with cig butts

Overflowing, like the course of this relationship

Breathe in my lungs something other than acidic bruises, won’t you neutralize it?

Won’t you even stop and look back to all the things that we had, that we lost in the fire,

Look at my burned body and tell me you regret it, look at my cancer filled mouth infected by your diseased words and tell me you never meant to light my lungs on fire

Tell me, ****  tell me, you never meant to steal my voice, and abandon my love, choking me from inside,

My body giving up, lungs collapsing in the harsh winter night underneath the starless sky, the moon lost beyond the clouds, no savior

You are like Lucifer, I never understood the transition, and I could never breathe in the courage inside of my lungs opposing your vacant soul

You are like a cigarette but even at our end you’ll cant burn me out, I’ll be an more than this, I’ll be IV, trying to survive even when my body is more ash than blood

I call you 7 times,
It’s my lucky number, wishing you’ll pick up this time
It keeps ringing, and I can see the shadows of doubt reaching for me, crossing the fine line
You finally pick it up; I heave a sigh that I didn’t know I was holding
I tentatively ask if your free, my heart flutters against my chest
In can hear you say “I’m not, I’ll call you later?” its question, uncertainty clouding your sharp voice
I wait endlessly, like a lover patiently waiting for him to return safely from Afghanistan,
He never does, she never calls. And so the night falls.
A sharp blow against my rib cage, desperate reminder that I’ll never have it back
Hopelessness has replaced the bone marrow, in my carved bones
You carved my bones, inscribing your smile in it with the Swiss knife I believed you kept under
                                                           ­                                                                 ­your pillow, like my heart
it’s my fault, my eyes not very telescopic, wanted the golden sun, they didn’t tell me it’s a fireball
I hung expectations from the empire state, you have permanent ache in your legs,
You gave up the idea of the view, I don’t blame you
Old friend, I won’t call you 8th time, my bones have started singing in your absence
I’ll take this as my queue to escape, for I never wanted to be a verse, I wanted to be the chorus.

Hey, darling, did you see my heart fall out from my chest, walk backwards, trace that air kissed pathway and look for my heart dropped, lying like a trash, toffee wrapper in front of that rose hued walled café which serves the blueberry coffee with Irish cream that you love the way sea loves the shore, pick it up love, hold it in your hand, and walk backwards, you are one of those people who never leave a novel in the middle, please don’t throw me away, I am not stale yet ,but yes I am delicate like a flower, pour water and place me in vase, will you dear? I know you have had a chunk of it, its little filthy filled with bite marks, girls with dewy eyes and hair colored brighter than spring and darker than winter stole away my summer, but will you trace it and breathe your crimson colored fall leaves into it, they will burn brighter than the candles at Christmas.

Hey darling, walk backward to the starting point, when we met for the first time, at that Mexican restaurant downtown where you always drank Sangria with slice of mandarin orange on the side, I was the glass that you sipped through, did you notice I was scarred on the rim, your tongue slipped through, and deepened the cut down the surface, funny how I was never able to pierce your tongue and you trampled all over my heart like way rivers trample over the rocks in between the course of their flow, walk toward, to where you placed my heart in a vase, darling please wrap it up in bandages and kiss it ,I sleep wrapped up in your quilt for the last time in your queen size bed, please darling, fit my heart inside my body with half of yours attached to it like the planktons to the sea floor .

Hey darling, I have a heart big enough to forgive you, for I know you hold your breath inside your lungs for too long and never sing out the lyrics you write every night, darling, wake me up, trace the skin covering the rib cage, fold your hand into mine the way origamists turn sheets into work of art, and lets walk forward, walk forward giving into a start of a new season.

mapped your cheekbones, delicate eyelids, tender lips with my dreams- all too desperate
inked my desires on your palms and thighs ,craving the touch of a lover in the midnight haze
painted acrylic on your ankles, rose trellis trailing to your toes,
its olive green leaves dotted with crystal clear dews-like breath of a fresh hope
sketched skyscrapers with yellow cabs at dawn, with light citrus sky burning bright like northern lights
slowly, softly kissing you in-between ,tracing our heartbeats with my lips
I was deserted like Nevada roads
cactus's and grainy sand clogging my veins
all too lonely without milestones engraved
then I met you, and that changed everything,
for you, my lover held my dreams and desires,
cupped in palms like a fragile yet determined dove
ready to fly, fixing its wings
you kissed my palm, and flew with me
to greater heights finally free

I have never wanted to believe in anything [you] so desperately.
I was clinging on to it, like it was the only way to breathe; only way to be free, imprisoning me from the suffocating society norms–
Waking up on the coarse sheets, smelling like roses and whiskey, your scars brushing my freckled delicately folded arms bathing in the morning rays,
Then your shadows trailed up, destroying every ounce of love you might have felt, why are you letting them drug you into never escaping this lonely eternity?
You were the prayer; you were the reason, was I ever enough?
I know believing in you is like asking for a car crash, but if it’s you then I want to bleed,
And taint every inch of your skin in my blood,
                        And mould every bone of our bodies into one and call you mine.
I want to hurt like that, like falling from the empire state, lungs choked and crashing into blindness, with ever tendon and capillary unidentifiable in the mess that’s been created
I want to breathe like that, like fire breathes in forest, but that’s the way you are breathing in my heart.
I want you to tell me you haven’t lost yourself to darkness, and there is still a spark of luminescence hidden underneath the gardens of nightshade –
Left in your soul waiting to be watered and nurtured like a seed, then growing into cherry blossoms –
Rather than a field of poisonous mandrakes.
And I wanted to believe I’ll be the redemption but my knives are blunt and they cannot unchain you and you aren’t realizing what it means to be alive.

Dancing in the wind, breathing in the spicy and musky cologne, your chest against my breast, bursting into ecstasy, strong hands cupping my face, slowly drawing your lips close to mine and kissing slowly, then  developing  speed, like a trial riff of guitar, short sparks; crackling in to lightening later.

Laughing at the lead singer, who is high, he introduced himself as Mr. Alien, and at nothing at all, pure bliss has finally made a pact with our souls. Lift me up, so I can see them singing gloriously, performing more fitting, bass thumping, electric jolts across my body, fingers electrified, heart stupefied, held, suspended in the perfect beat, captured in that elated moment.

KISS ME, kiss me now ,here comes the perfect line, the stanza inscribed on my lips like you name, sung countless times in the mustang on the way to Ireland, in the candy shop while gulping down all the pumpkin lattes we can consume. You were born a day after Halloween, crooked lights, gleaming against the backdrop-the moonless night, neon signs flashing across the barren land, filling up with iridescent rays, jumping, like the drumbeats seeping through our veins.

Like the sound of that pink Floyd song, you belted out, at karaoke bar last night, lyrics exploding out of your lungs, tearing apart my heart at 3 am:”You're the kind of girl that fits in with my world.
I'll give you anything, everything if you want things”: Sky colored red velvet, with stars like sequins hanging from miles above, Polaroid perfect.

Your heart pumping rapidly, against mine, bringing me back from the trance, your lips mould against mine, tongues swimming across the shorelines of my molars, arms tucked around my waist, lowering, caressing my hips.

Notes of piano, gliding through, an intro to another song. I promise, you’ll be the only song, I know word to word. All the beats and spaces in between etched on my heart. Your lips, the desired stanza, taste like cinnamon and pine, reminding of my childhood, a memory of us on the slide, giggling, holding pine cones preciously like Davy Jones locker, our first treasure.

It’s been years, but our love has grown, blossomed in into an everlasting flower never fading but always steady and strong like the chorus of a rock ballad, an intense melody like our promises lighting up the lyrics and us.

The wind has been howling for days and days, searing the clouds and her mind,
It tells a tell, tale that will slice her lungs worse than his words-
Her lips bleed in the frosty wind, slow, her feet trudging, incapable, her fractured legs leaving crimson traces burning in agony
Huffing, escaping, running, crying out, hear her desperate plea, but this actions have silenced her
Death lurking behind the pine trees, acres of snow covering up the lies.

He said, he doesn’t love her anymore, already had every inch of her in his mouth,
His **** in her mouth, again and again, feral eyes watching it unfold a plan successful, forcefully, trapped, chained her to the bedposts, scarred on the outside and charred from inside
Tearing petals off, from the roses he gave her, one bright afternoon, he loves me, he loves me not
He said he did, naive girl, moved to Siberia for him, where did loving him lead her?
She laughs, like an asylum patient, a tortured madness climbing the veins of her soul
Poor little lamb, he is carnivore, tearing off her skin, divulging into her body.
                                            Look at her destroyed, frayed
                                             Look at the ghost of a girl
Who walks through realms of life, the wind is still, mourning in the loss.

Her bruised body all shades of blue and red, lifeless.  He ate out of her too much, he ****** her life out.
At frail attempt at an escape, bittersweet atleast, darkness claimed her on the hands of freezing terrains, not him.
Look at the countless wolves howling, consuming the remnants in a mad glee.

We are over, aren’t we? 6 years, countless memories, calling in crisis and to talk about nothing at all,
You have been there during everything, the first guy I ever liked, the first guy who ever liked me,
First period, first failure in the maths test, crush on that French teacher, breakup of my favorite band,
First trip with best friend[with you], first alcoholic drink, you were the one who read and criticized all my poems after I started writing again
I have had so many first with you, but so many horrible nights too, when I have wanted nothing more but to jump off the skyscraper and be free
i have gotten so involved,in you,mixed and shaken in your blood that i have lost my own components
It hurts to write this, I don’t want to delve in the worst things, that are a little more than the good ones,
So I’ll finish this here and remember you with only the good things.

I can see the beast staring right back at me,emotionless even in the iridescent rays
Tell me mirror is a liar.
                      **** tell me
                                           mirror is a
                                                               LIAR.

Kiss my skin, lungs to limbs, **** the breath, out of my lungs, lick my earlobes, bite my lips, **** on my *******, don’t leave me halfway and make me fall in love with you. Make me feel all of that, intensity, passion, scarring, burning and true love. Make me.

I stare at the blank page for a while
These choking words wont spill out
secrets,locked in my throat begging for mercy
Sinners are the not patients looked with empathy
Drown me in anesthesia so i blur out
shadows like smoke drifting up and up till they are wrangling my neck,
                                                           ­      my lungs bleed,i cannot speak
Darlin,look ate me trembling in the tornado,stuck in the eye of it
Lucifer where are you when i need you?
You promised me eternity,**** tell me im not that naive
My parted lips still burn from that kiss
I lit fire to my soul, i sinned,for you,for your love
This treacherous,murderous,venomous heart breathes for hell
This ***** tonic claiming my lips,like you possessed my heart,im afraid I'll spill for im only a human
Where the **** are you when im shattering?
  Where
           Are
               You?

Is it crazy that most of the hours I have spent with you, I have been deteriorating inside with my lungs blazing, throat choking, eyes shedding lucid tears?
Is it crazy that all the good memories have been eclipsed by the terrible ones and that our sun is doomed, cursed never to rise against stark cobalt midnight sky?
I don’t think it’s crazy, I never believed in forever but you did. But love, you shouldn’t have listened to me, you know I’m crazy; you should have never stopped believing.
But what really is crazy is that I’m still being strung along, even when I know Arctic Circle never sees the sun in winter time.

This is the last time; I am going to make excuses for quitting
This is the last time; I’ll the reason myself for leaving, leaving you there in the lonely night,lost at strange roads at 3 pm.
This is the last time, I’ll tell myself I am not good enough, and I am nothing and I death is the only solace I will ever find
This is the first truth, I am not lost, but I need to honestly work on building a bridge or I will drown in the icy waters.
This is the first time I am going to look in the mirror and smile; this is going to be a fresh start, a much needed journey to my quest.
**This is it .I am not going to back out .

And for some uncontrollable moments, laughter rolls off me at the speed of lightening
And washes all the pain away
Like after rain leaves glow even in the dim moonlight
And I fell relived like a cloud, all the weight has been lifted off,
So now they can float away without any residue burdening them.