I love you.

And I don't mean that like I'm on my way out to work,
leaving a kiss on your cheek, coming home for dinner.

I mean it like I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel
and we're not coming out of this fire alive.

I mean it like a last will and testament. A final confession.

A plead of mercy.

I love you, until the end.

Never have I remembered,
Happiness,
Real Happiness,
Under your overwhelming authority,
The seeds of Joy,
Have failed me,
Left me cold and hopeless,

You over-power loving memories,
With sharp, hateful remarks,
I doubt your passion,
I doubt your sympathetic words,
Rare as they are,

I look up to you,
As every other child looks up to their parents,
But I do not see pride or love,
In your eyes,
I see bitterness,
Seeping through the kind gaze,

When others look to you,
They may be blind,
But I have seen the ice,
Beyond the friendly charade,

It will never leave my mind,
This heart-wrenching memory

What does it mean,
When love spills,
The blood of the innocent,
For humour's sake,
To write a tragic story,
And shoot the love song,
To see the tears,
Infusing with blood,
Falling through eternity,
Shattering glass,
As purpose kills,
The incomplete

Slipping,
I am slipping,
Beyond the safety,
Of the surface,
Sinking,
Into the weightlessness,
Of transparent blue-green,
That consumes me,
And I drown,
With you,
In my subconcious

I just want,
To see everything,
Fall apart,
In the center,
Of this surreality

We fall from conciousness,
To emptiness,
Endless circles,
Of confusion,
Trapping and compressing,
Confining us,
We are inconsequential,
To the course,
Of loneliness

You don't annoy me at all,
In fact, I'd go crazy,
Without our ongoing conversation,
Shouldn't you know by now,
That I'm only lying,
When I tell you,
I'm fine, don't worry,
Because I just can't stand,
The thought of you,
Wasting time,
Worrying if I'll be okay,
Lying awake night after night,
The way I worried,
About him,
I want you to,
All the same,
Just so I'd know,
If you care,
But the guilt,
Would **** me

What's to stop me,
From drowning,
In all that bright, blue wonder,
From diving head first,
Into the bloodthirsty sun,

What's to stop me,
From giving over,
To black temptation,
Or spilling into a compilation,
Of ice and blunt glass,

There's nothing holding me back,
You're the last one standing,
In my way,
But you can't save me,
From myself

Soft like Death,
Tasting my skin,
Scarce with droplets,
Of bitterness,
And sorrow,

Your lips warm,
Like velvet blood,
Quietly concealing,
Quintessence,
And poison,

Hands, winter chill,
Old, naive fingers,
Murderous in theory,
In practice,
Full of stealth,

For lips, and hands,
And fabled tongues,
Soft like Death,
Tasting my skin

Chain smoking our way,
Through the days,
His hands,
In all the right places,
The world means nothing,
It all means nothing,
Collisions of emptiness,
Just to feel something,
So he puts his hands,
In all the wrong places,
To make it right,
'Til the world means nothing,
We mean nothing

Being away from you,
Is all I really fear,
When you're gone,
The darkness, the emptiness,
Emerges once again,
Stronger than before,
As I stand in your wake,
With nothing,
But the torment of feeling,
Knowing how easily,
You could forget me

I'm letting his lips,
Unfamiliar, collide with mine,
Just so I can feel something,
Just so I'll be out of breath,
Because I'm wishing it was you,

I'm not holding his hand,
In my mind,
It's your arm,
That's slung loosely around my waist,

I'm not looking for someone else,
Just for what I'm missing,
You see me,
Wasting my time,
With guy after guy,
But all I'm seeing is you

Your velvet kisses melt in my mouth
and the taste of your skin
enthralls my senses.
I'm heady on your fumes,
making my orbit around
the steadiness of your breaths.

I can't hold you tight enough;
grappling your body
as we intertwine.
I want to crush myself against you
so close that our atoms coalesce.

I'm in too deep -
my own emotions
are the rope around my neck.
You make me want to drag
knives through my skin and
drip blood on your white carpet.

Death,
She cries,
Into the merciless night,
I long for you,
Yes, she longs for Death,
Her soul yearns,
To shed her scarred skin,
Please, I beg for mercy,
She is pleading,
Drunk with desperation,
Take me away from here,
Holding the gun to her head now,
Ready to end her lonely existence,
Hopeless,
This is all I have,
Nothing,
For she has nothing to lose,
This is all I can give,*
She pulls the trigger

Humming to the static,
Of the phone lines,
Words on the tip of our tongues,
That neither can say,
Afraid to let slip,
Words too honest,
For this conversation,

Keeping to the small talk,
The endless string,
Of meaningless words,
I hear you draw breath,
Over the static fuzz,

And those beautiful words,
Escape your lips,
In a blur,
Your nervousness echoing through the distance,
You're too stunned to breathe,

Time is passing,
Too slowly for your impatient heart,
Awaiting my reply,
But don't you know,
You shouldn't worry

When my mind traces,
Back a thousand steps,
And I revisit old scars,
I wish he knew,
About my past,
But how can I,
Allow myself to be,
So vulnerable,
Even if I found the words,
I know he'll never understand,
Because nobody will feel the pain,
Like I do

Singing;
                           softly drifting

                  la
                                 ­ la                            la
        la                     ­                  la

Rolling and churning the notes

              round
       and          and                  round
              round      ­            and        and
                                      ­          round

On your tongue;
                                       racing
                   chasing
beautiful


Singing;
                           softly drifting

                  la
                                 ­ la                            la
        la                     ­                  la

                                                            ­                ...In a dream

Why is it,
That whenever I need someone most,
They seem to disappear,
To evaporate into a substance,
Thinner than this stale air,
Leaving me,
A mess

Six feet up and standing,
I'm falling apart in his shadow,
Trying not to get my blood,
Mixed up in her bones,
She's screaming,
And the rest of the world wants an ambulance,
Or maybe we should give her what she wants,
So her shoes fly off,
Mine slow me down,
And I have to stop and turn back,
Because he's grounded,
And he needs me when I'm breaking apart,
But we pretend we have time,
(I want to waste it,)
We're selfish,
(I want to help her,)
We're dying too,
So we put ourselves together,
And he feels like glue,
But it's over and he holds my hand,
Til we're back in the chaos,
And it feels like I've been here,
Cause I always am,
And the screams want to morph in my ears,
And be different colours,
Hers are black,
And I have to run again,
(I can't do this again,)
But they need me,
(It's too much,)
He pulls me back,
And I can't see,
So I just follow the circles,

Over and over and BAM!

I played my part,
And I know it,
It looks like I'm praying,
But there's no idol,
And I want to tear it up,
But I hide it instead,
So I don't wonder if he sees them,
Because her eyes look like mine,
And she's taking the words right out of my head,
And I've lost,
(I deserve this,)
But he doesn't let go,
(I'm not enough,)
And he's still holding me,
Even though she's spilled my secrets,
And I can't force them back down her throat,
And I want to unhinge my insides,
Because I promised they were clean,
And I filled them with dirt,
But I'm sorry now.

You're tracing the edges,
Water all around,
Laughing and crying and screaming,
'Til you can't possibly take another breathe,
Can't make a sound,
So full of adrenaline,
Falling on the sand,
Sinking in the sand,
Half drowning in the salt and dirt and muck,
Black blood weaving it's way through the waves,
Weakening as it wanders out to nowhere,
That big old moon,
Wide and wise and obliterating,
Staring you down,
Back in your place,
That big old moon,
You tremble,
Fall apart,
Break apart,
Confess yourself,
To the big old moon

Summer's emptiness,
Lengthens by the day,
Growing cold and dark,
The beginnings,
Of a desolate winter

Summer,
It doesn't feel like Summer anymore,
The wind is ice cool,
The clouds grey and threatening,
No glittering leaves,
Nor bird-songs,
Because Summer's gone,
Without you

Nothing can explain me,
Not at this moment,
For I am too ecstatic,
Too over-whelmed by joy,
A joy I'd never thought,
I could feel so strong

When he dies,
I will miss,
His wrinkled leather hands,
And withdraw,
From trivial conversation,
Despising laughter,
Choking for air,
All the while,
Sitting in silence,
While they move,
Laughing and smiling,
Quarelling over nothing in particular,
For time will not stop,
In their shallow world,
As it will,
In mine

Like a house of cards,
All that I was,
Came tumbling down,
Fallen to the floor,
Scattered around me,
I sought solace in my vices,
In pain and lies,
I lost myself in arms,
Arms that didn't hold me,
Quite the same,
That slipped away,
Too fast to close the wounds,
I left my emotions on the sand,
Drenched in poison,
My reasons in summers past,
Until you opened my eyes

Don't write to me,
Don't pull me apart,
And bind me in your paper,
Hold me in your ink,
Don't label my subconscious,
I'm not an adjective,
In a sentence,
About a noun,
A pretty little noun that could've been my name,
I'm not your inspiration,
Don't take my eyes,
And make them hazel,
And wide,
And beautiful,
Don't hide me in 'whole's and 'wonder's,
Under all your addict nonsense,
I'm not silver,
I'm not clouds and light,
Don't make me special.

The world is darkening,
With every step,
The air grows colder,
He's closer,
Too close for comfort

Forfeit, rather fight,
You have taken,
The essence of my soul,
All of my worth,
And I never hesitated to give

Amidst the grains,
Of dead yellow-grey,
Soaked in ocean water,
Salt stains on my blue lips,
I shiver,
Calling out,
For that honey-washed sun,
To blind me from the scars

You stole me high,
Upon the windy bridge,
Steady and firm against my back,
Holding your ground,
Against vain struggle,
Looking below the surface,
We were calm and wondrous,
Reflected on the river tide,
Shadowed by glory,
And likened atonement,
Spun to face you,
"Trust me"
I surrender in my mind,
To fall beneath you

*In some ungodly hour,
Remember

Staring down halls,
Of hollowness,
Alone in my past,
Defiant of the future,
Wondering,
Who am I?

If I called you Roman,
Would you be an empire?

Your skin,
Your fire,
Burning my pages,
Curling my edges,
I told you to let go,
But I can't,
Move on

You're tearing me down,
You're burning me up,
Clipping my wings,
Whispering to be,
Still,
I can't,
Move on

I wake from emptiness,
Another day awaiting,
Pulling me from dreamlessness,
But this is not,
Just another day,
It it the day,
The one where the phone,
Screams from the wall,
And the voice,
Over the humming of static,
Whispers the words,
I've dreaded for so long,
It is that phone call,
It is that day,
That I wake to,
The day when existence,
Is aimless,
And tears accompany,
The morning rain,
Full of sorrow and regret,
All the while,
Hopelessness comsumes me,
As I think of all the words,
I never said,
And pray,
That the cruel sun,
Will have the decency,
To remain hidden,
Behind the clouds