INFINITEabyss

INFINITEabyss Nov 2015

You only seem to love me when im empty
There must be something in that that makes you happy
And ill never understand it.
The first time I heard the king of sorrow
by sade I felt like I had told her how I felt, took her hands to my chest and let her dig deep.
And she wrote about me.
There's a difference between writing for someone and about someone
There are no trinkets, no hidden words.
It's all bare.
Like when you're making love to someone even though they're just trying to **** and you bare it all.
Ive been meaning to write about you. Not for you.
But ive placed you on a pedestal that wont allow me to.

#the #great #sade

INFINITEabyss Oct 2015

unwealthy sundays

we meet at your favourite market- the colombia flower market
ill never understand all the random sundays and countless hours we spent pacing up and down looking at flowers
there's a melancholic mist in the air this sunday
we know it's going to be the last sunday we walk down that road holding hands for some time
but we wave it away with laughter and dig deep into pockets of 'remember that time...'- that we've saved up over the past few years

i'm terrible with approaching goodbyes- but you know this and you are good to me.
At the stall i look for something else to channel my frustration into,
seated on the ground i say 'we should have gotten the beetroot salad'
you say, 'you shouldn't leave',
and i cry,
and you hold me,
and at this point it's like trying to hold water in your palms with a scorching hot earth beneath your feet,
i melt into you,
i ask you if my heart will eventually stop hurting, if ill be ok.
'let's give it two weeks' you say-
a firm believer in your two week theory passed down from your mother the first time you had your heart broken that you now apply to every and anything, i nod in faith.

At the bus stop, dread lingers between us... that same melancholic mist hovers, this time it can't easily be waved away.
Your number 47 bus is approaching.
You kiss my dry tear stained lips.

#bestfriendsforever

INFINITEabyss Oct 2015

jar

placing the fingers in your mouth
They are warm and cold like heart and feet, its bitter and sweet. Bittersweet.
Dip them in and around the jar between my thighs
and it tastes like cinnamon, sand, rain, submission, cold soup, lonely, happy, drowning

and back to lonely

INFINITEabyss Sep 2015

we are leaving

There are bruises on and around thighs from the last time the two were tangled together
not to be seen till kingdom comes, maybe, but there are places pressed upon on skin that ache and it's him

aware that in a given number of days they will fade-
then the physical proof that the two once touched is gone
and 'seeing is believing' is becoming such a go to slogan

tried to breath in bravery at the station
the body is always sure to let one down because there went the tears
stood at the escalators and remembered a forgotten kiss, was too busy feeling and holding one body into the other, trying to commit scent to memory
so that it could be called on later as a remedy

seated on the train, 6 pairs of eyes at the opposite and queue sobbing,
sobbing for things yet to happen,
selfishly sobbing,
sobbing because what is next for anything is unknown
because you felt like the closest friend.sobbing.
sobbing because for a second this could have been mistaken for home
there are things that escaped the mouth that had not been told to others like you,
and see this 'see you soon' felt like a wolf in sheep's clothing like it was actually a long goodbye and it meant the connection would be lost
maybe not immediately but gradually, and aren't those the most heartbreaking, the things that sneak up on you
or away from you

On a last bus back with red eyes, head tilted against window,
it is like the universe made fun of this
a soft warm sun kissed this face, almost jabbing at it...
'hey... what are you so sad about'

INFINITEabyss Sep 2015

jul

She was tragically sad in a way that I was but couldnt afford to have tattooed on me because im african and no one has time for internal misery when there are kids with flies on the look out for something to unempty their bellies, you know stuff you see on telly
She had blond curly hair and we had the mutal understanding that bus rides were where we went to check on our selves, see how well we had supressed the demons for that day or week or past ten years
When I was going through my episodes I'd reinvent myself by establishing a new laugh
"Does this make me sound happier"
She would decide she was moving to india but never really left the university or ended up in brixton
Thats heres india if you cant afford the real thing
We would go for months without speaking and she would show up At my door with dark brown tresses dyed to conseal the misfortunes, unrequited loves and abortions
And I would put together the potions to help us through. No bus rides. just camomile teas and rouge lipsticks
Sit at cafe rouge and pretend to be happy old ladies meeting to exchange photographs of our grandchildren

#tea #buses

INFINITEabyss Aug 2015

lavender and thyme

A sore loser
I couldn't handle the deep yearning for something i couldn't have alongside a creeping in scent of depression
Like a strong concoction of lavender and thyme concentrated in an unventilated room
so i chose one

INFINITEabyss Aug 2015

Henry Sidgwick's great grandson

31 days, its been 31 days and i've been dazed, you've dizzied me
I spoke to God on day 30 while you lay asleep and I held you for what felt like it was the last time
It cut and healed all at once.
As I held you and spoke to a God I know you don't believe in I said,
God you astonish me for making a being so instantly resplendent who when dissected still is flowering on the inside
You are spring,
And as spring goes else where Robert Graves' 'I will write' sits in me and I have tears stuck in my throat
I let them stay and know this has been beautiful
You are spring, you are flowering inside and I am jealous of all that will experience your constitution
   But you have taught me your philosophy, painted me with your utilitarianism
So I won't pluck the flowers and pray all who revel in your immensity water you

#bae