better to have to talked
than to have not
can deal with a bit of pain
just won't take on a lot

fork in the road
either way *****
but i know
it's all for the best
either i get what i want
or i don't
i have to live with
whatever happens next

it feels like if i
don't take the leap
i only hurt myself
but saying these things
and owning these feelings
feels a lot like hurting myself

but thats just cause
i'm throwing myself out of the comfort zone
cause it's easy to love the pain you know
all i knew when i woke up today
was that something here has got to change

and its like
what else can i do
or should i do
am i doing too much
or too little
getting excited for what
i'm so tired of myself
and the expectations that loom

if all else fails
i have my dreams
but those get ruined
even in the silence i don't want to keep

walking on clouds
fluffy and puffy
breathing underwater
glubbing and bubbling
off in a fantasy land
where i am drifting away
it still unsafe here
but i am free for a day

i tell you that i have to love me first
knowing your happiness means more than mine
i walk away and draw new lines
i ask for space and say i need some time
when all i ever wanted was to be here with you
but i close the door behind me
and i don't look back and it feels so wrong
if i'm the one leaving why am i crying

cause i'd burn myself down
to warm your coldest day
and break every bone in my body
to remove all of your pain
everything i have
has been at stake
everyday that i love you
i become more afraid

of what'd i do
to myself if i let it keep going
but my visions have gone dark
the future's foreboding

every step you take
every choice you make
reverberates through me
and i crumble in your wake


i'm never gonna see my brightest day
living as a sponge for your problems and gloom
i gotta walk away
cause i gotta think about me too

i hope you can still love me
and if i need it, that forgiveness is in your heart
life is for living and only sometimes about giving
love shouldn't be this hard

it's been going
i'm alive
doing what i'm supposed to
quiet nights
moving along
saying i'm fine
keep pushing on
while my hands are tied
no one can see
the shadow i cast
struggle to answer questions
before they're asked
you were always
talking to a mask
whatever i said
i take it back
i dont wanna be alive
i wanna feel alive
it shouldn't be this hard
to not wanna die
every fiber of my being
is going towards winning the fight
i wanna be better
than you think i might

saying something
because saying nothing feels wrong
scared it'll be weird
because its been so long
but say what you're thinking
trust yourself once in a while
she's not as scary as she seems
and you'll absolutely adore that smile

especially when you're the reason behind it

don't be scared
please don't cry
let me try
to make it alright
before you break
maybe i could see
if i got
just the thing
to make you smile
after a long day
or at least make you feel
a little okay
let me draw the bath
and light the candles
give you as much support
as you can handle
let me massage
the knots from your neck
and tuck you
gently into bed
let me sing
a lullaby
as you go softly
into the night
i'll do whatever
to make you feel safe
but i can always
wait if you wanna wait
just let me know
what i can do
i'm okay with being tacky
if it amuses you

that pocket of reality
where you still want me
is where my brain idles when i finally get a break

it's counterproductive
but it helps me function
despite all of the excuses i continue to make

no you never promised
and if i'm being honest
i suffocate in all the things you would never say

it's that fact that you can lie
and i just have to let it slide
because you owe me nothing even if i don't like it that way

and what's one more crime
circle around the block another time
collateral of the path of destruction left in your wake

it's easy to be dumb
but now i'm harder than i was
and one day i won't even care about this pain

or at least i hope

****'ll even out eventually
at least it oughta
doing what i'm supposed to
even though there's a lot of
reasons to just throw my hands up
and walk away
and tell everyone to *******
some new ******* everyday
how many times do i need to get chewed up
to just be left alone
would figure they couldn't take anymore
at this point they're just playing with bones
like what else could there be
that i can offer
i sacrifice often and enough
to not be bothered
but even then i'm still harassed
because i won't give them my will
bowing my head and ******* my teeth
and ignoring the ways that i feel
isn't as gratifying as
forcing me to agree with all of the mutiny
until i can be happy with them all of the time
there's nothing they wouldn't be willing to do to me

why can't you
put me first
why do i
have to hurt
say something
give me words
to obsess over
and take for worst

why do you
need to lie
you never
see me cry
bodies piled up
inside
none pleased you
so they needed to die

i still try
to make
someone
you wouldn't hate
burning clothes
saving face
eternally afraid
i'll be repaced

i won't lie
or play it down
it was the best thing
that ever happened to me

at that point in my life
honestly
what's done is done
can't deny how good it was

telling a different story
only has one purpose
to get under your skin
make you doubt yourself again

but i'm better than that
i wonder about you
will you tell the truth
or play it cool

flashy keys
and demon cars
speed off into the sunset
you'll get very far
walking on these rotting feet
i'll be luck to make it a mile
judge me for my progress
when you have no reason not to smile
everything is handed to you
you choose to involve yourself in drama
i'm working and scraping all that i can
while trying to outrun my trauma
it hurts that you think
that you feel you can compare
my experience to yours
i've never even shared
the half of the truth
yet you think you can input
i've worked very hard to get where i am
refuse to be crushed under your foot
you're to conditioned to see
the privilege you have
i've got no body supporting me
have my own back

heart grown cold
tears ran dry
hands made to hold
turn to fists to fight

just realized my issue is that
i can't commit to an identity
there's so many different versions of me
born of circumstance and need
all are valid
all are me
but i can't be all
maybe i shouldn't try to be
things that people understand
maybe i should just be me
whoever that happens to be today
whoever that might be next week

staring knowing i'm useless
running through options
maybe if i check one more time
reality might have changed

but you're bleeding profusely
and i can't find a way to stop it
always shooting for another try
in a losing game

watching feeling like a sad excuse
if i can't save you
what can i do

waiting hoping good things will come
soon enough
before you succumb

just want you to be happy
willing to sacrifice these objects
and give you the care i can
but objects are few yet needed

if you would have me
with my intentions and regrets
and help me understand
why you're so ceded

not trying to poke
or defile your throne
only wish to know

you remind me
of all the good things
i am usually to distracted to see


and i just wanna give you the same thing

the words that you say
get changed
somewhere along the way
you say i love you but love gets replaced
by my brain
with hate
and i start to feel afraid
begin to question my place
lose my ability to recognize your face
as one that is safe

and all i have to do to fix
this
is
tell you but what if
you lose interest
and my worst nightmare lives
to become your very real wish
because i can't be who you fell in love with

broken up inside
wear and tear
falling into
disrepair

i'm walking
somewhere
destination
i-don't-care

if i'm going down
i'll do it with flair
why walk on water
if i can swim through the air

tired of being typical
speculated and compared
meet the new me
trailblazing extraordinaire

pretty girl
pretty ugly
compliments
because you love me
give me kisses
where i'm falling apart
tender touch
for a broken heart
whispered names
and secret keeping
tissue to ouch
to stop the bleeding
did not mean
to cause me harm
i swear i know
who you are
so tell me i'm pretty
like you believe it
you tell me that i'll work
take it or leave it
wanted a fantasy
but you need a body
so i leave half satisfied
knowing you already forgot me

closed communications
i miss you from time to time
but i meant it when i left
had to say goodbye
you were everything i needed
for that moment in time
but you started causing pain
became a source of strife
and i think about you sometimes still
but you're gone for a reason
friends aren't forever
embracing the end of a season
there's no way to settle the score
or make us even
it's all for the better
don't go searching for reasons
don't seek me out
it'll just make this worse
i'm not having fun
this really ******* hurts
every part of me
wanted this to work
but in the end
we only made each other worse