easy does it
nice and steady
before you jump
make sure you're ready

the surface may be calm
but you can't see
the dangers that may
lurk beneath

i woke up everyday
feeling bad but going out of my way to feel worse
now i know what you think that i'm worth
i flinch recalling the bite of those words
so much i could say but i don't wanna see you hurt
and i guess that's where we are different

i woke up everyday
unfortunately and tried to push off the thoughts
how could i be wrong
for wanting what everyone does
you keep telling me how i feel
but that wasn't how it was
compromise isn't an ultimatum

i woke up everyday
and all i asked was
to be met with equity
you took all my charity
now you left me
feeling like i was wrong on the deepest level
for ever wanting something more
hearing everything you say
i wake up the same kind of sore

i wake up everyday
and cry sometimes too
because i'm tired of pretending
and i might end up hating you

you said it with no hesitation
you took what was worth it for you
and you left the best parts of me
and told me they meant nothing
stupid stupid stupid

but it's okay
i'll be glad you're gone
when this doesn't hurt so much
it's just that it still hurts so much

if you lost it all tomorrow
i'd have given my comfort to restore the peace that i could
but you've followed another bird
and i wouldn't be suprised if he takes off when you're no good

i cared more than just carnally
and you can run but you'll never be far from me
i seeped into the cracks of your life
with every act of kindness and attempt to do right
my generosity haunts you like blaspheme and regret
and i ought to be owed respect
but you'll never cover that debt
and i hope before you lose you wits
he's willing to match your every chip
or you blew it all for interchangeable feelings
i guess i'll go back to staring at the ceiling

you told me not to worry
then you proved me right
i thought i was crazy
waging a war with myself in my mind

but now the cat's out the bag
and my constant questioning
is being replaced with
accepting you lied

unlike me to leave people behind
or let dreams die
but there comes a time
when all you can say is goodbye
where all you can do is let go
and hope the other person knows
how much you cared even though
you're the one who chose to ghost
because i had to do better for me
focus on priorities
make choices that weren't easy
be the person i thought i'd be
and its not that we were doomed
there's so much potential for you
i just had to do what i needed to do
i wasn't happy and thats the truth
i wasn't growing how i promised to myself
you were becoming somebody else
the relationship was a drag on my mental health
it took forever to decide if i should even tell
you how i felt or do something about it
wasn't pleased when you rebounded
but i did leave you unaccounted
i just needed to be surrounded
by people who saw me for more than what i could give
and people who loved me when i was hard to forgive
you tried but you just never did
that's the kinda of person i see and need myself to be with

your crowd is exclusive
your friends are rude
there are no excuses
for why the act like they do
their behavior is repulsive
how do you indulge it
your hand is covered in blood
so i will not hold it
i love you when we are alone
and you don't use some false identity
but you turn into an animal
when they're in the vicinity
i miss the old us
i miss you when you were you
but you changed
so what am i to do

you say i'm not a burden
but i see you don't want my company
don't tell me not to feel insecure
when you obviously wanna leave
i feel too uncomfortable
to stand here as you wish to be
somewhere else with somebody else
that you enjoy more than me
i get it i do
just dont make it worse
your ****** expression
contradicts your words
i feel unwanted
so why shouldn't i desert
your body language is enough
to tell me to hit the curb
but you swear that its fine
for me to hang around
finally you convince me
i ignore my doubts
sending good vibes
and trying to fit in with your crowd
still all i feel is invisible
and always get left out
what did i expect
not a welcome parade
i just thought since you promised
i wouldn't have to be afraid
but as soon as i came in
you wandered away
and relief pours over your body
after you lose my face
in the group of people
that all hate my guts
they think i'm emotional
and see you're my crutch
they laugh at me as i fall over myself
and say what a clutz
i guess i deserve it
since i trusted you so much
still it stings and it burns
they laugh as i weep
you watch and do nothing
either in agreeance or because you're weak
i should've just not showed up
or let you make me believe
that you actually wanted my friendship
when you just felt pity

can't be who you want
though i wanna see you happy
convinced the answer to all your problems
is to have me
but you can't just have a person
i'm not a means to an end
i'm not a fool to mold
or rule to bend
can't cut me to perfection
to fit your narrative
think i don't notice your affections
but i'm awfully aware of them
and i'm trying to be respectful
though you don't think as much of me
benefit of the doubt
even if you don't deserve such niceties
i wont let you make me become hard
but you'd be dead wrong to think i'm soft
you tear into me for figuring out who i am
when at least i know what i am not
it's in my nature to be supportive
but i can no longer offer my services
i'm tired of being pulled apart
so you can figure out what your purpose is

came to me as another person
not as a demon
like i ever wished bad for you

glad we could finally talk it over
and mean ****
because it ate me up too

feel the need to fight
to put down
to argue

wanna build
not engage in MAD
over a dumb issue

you break me 
to fix me
you leave me 
to miss me
you hurt me
and trick me
and lead me on
just to kiss me
just to fight
and to quit me
to come back
and forget me
to remember
and find it fitting
to say you love me
then you're just kidding
all this back and forth
just makes me dizzy
you hate my guts
then call me pretty
i'm so confused
as each wave hits me
you don't want me
but you're with me
why do you stay
if you resent me
all this indecision 
must keep you busy

how sorry can you really be
not enough to satiate me
if it is all just an act
be sure to make it persuading
and make it fast
you know i hate waiting

if you really didn't mean it
why did you even do it
accepting your apology
will make me seem weak and stupid
i'm guaranteed safe keeping
if i stay secluded

you're not really worth
dying over and over again
the necessary lies evolve
into your excuses in the end
always my biggest critic
never a true friend

unsure of who i was
but now i am proud of who i am
even if it means alone
and nobody understands
at least i know i gave
every single one of you a chance

zero patience
no remorse
what should i be sorry for

you made your choice
seemed so sure
didn't have to slam the door

on your way out
it's too charged now
bad taste in my mouth
don't try to turn around now

you spit in my face
made a disgrace
of every promise you made
i have no need to save
you from your fate
the architect of your pain
laughing as i walk away

hold me up
i'm slipping out
you're not even real
i'm no where near sound
of mind but i'm trying
to survive at least
with thoughts and dreams
distancing reality
because in theory
the fall wouldn't be so bad
but touch just feels icky
and i'm always too sad
it's comforting to hope
one day i'll function fine
just consumed by fantasies
in the meantime

questions flood my mind
what was it this time
did i cross a line
or did you ignore another of mine

it's hard to concentrate
you always have something to say
a constant influx of rage
makes it hard to think straight

at my throat and for what
who started it doesn't matter as much
we are in this predicament because
you feel entitled to my trust

the needle is in my arm
the dripping is far away
i'm soaking into the chair
overdid it today

i'm closing all the doors
pulling curtains and the house is dimmed
if anybody comes by
do not let them in

i'm dying on the couch
starving myself in more ways than one
maybe if i could swallow my pride
i wouldn't be alone

whatever
i'll change the channel now
i'll circle back to this in half an hour
settled into my sunken spot
and ready to rot and deflower

i'll stew in my sorrows
then rise for the occasion
ready to run away
but bound to my obligations

guess i'm a traveling circus
an entertaining sight
a blubbering fool
stumbling under the lights

funny to watch
me fall on my face
fall in love cause i'm silly
and swiftly get replaced

swinging feet
ledge of a bridge
but what if
i accidentally slip
reality suddenly
violently persistent
would you
wanna come with
or would you
just sit
at the top
of the cliff
while the rocks
shred me to bits
or could you not bear
to watch it
do you want to be
my friend

frustratingly vague
uncomfortably intense
staying up everynight
going over it again and again
how does this make me feel
why does it make me act this way
who do i wanna be
is this the right decision to make
how will i be tomorrow
am i proud of who i was today
the past does but doesn't define me
what even is the change i wanna make
am i apologizing to be nice
or do i really regret what i did
am i just so scared to be alone
i call you a friend
shattering glass in a hall of mirrors
self constructed labyrinth of confusion
looking to myself not recognizing what i see
is it love or a fleeting delusion
do i want it to work out
was i hoping for the end since we met
deep down i can't feel myself
washed right over by questions i'll regret
seeing things in ways i didn't need to
just ask myself are you sure
when no one else cares and it swallows me easily
another rock in the pile and i just keep throwing more
until i'm on top of the mountain looking down
got so high so fast and it scares me
i'll make it down eventually
and even then barely
wonder if one day i'll go too far
and i will forget where i'm from and who i am
is this making any sense just trying to gather my wits
no one ever understands

earthquakes
each step we take
storms gather
predicting fate
can't be fixed
just let it break
let it go to ****
then eventually fade

man you're gorgeous
got me slipping on my words
so beautiful that not being with you
physically hurts

you'd never do it for me
said you couldn't
shed a tear about me
no you wouldn't
i know that you won't
because you didn't care
i loved for the both us
so it was easy to take a chair
to sit at my table
and feel welcome without a cost
you got the benefits for free
the price was leaving me lost

i hate men
i didn't say all
so before you try to patronize me
let me actually talk
i hate men
i never said all
but you know the ones i mean
a majority evading fault

i hate when i have to prove myself
when i've bent over backwards to please
my grace and wit dismissed
i'm supposed to laugh when they harrass me
when i report
i'm a tease
or i'm a *****
or i don't get how the joke was funny
the ***** gallery wants to chip in
keep the two cents
i don't need the nuisance
or the blatant violation
***** in my mouth
when you act like i'm just some doll to play with

why can't i be honest
and unashamed
this isn't a fight
or me trying to blame
you for all this hurt
or pin you for my pain
its just about saying
what i need to say

it's not about trying to hurt you
or all about me
it's just saying how i feel
then hearing what you think
but i can't help but feel bad
as i begin to speak
this is more awkward than i thought
my voice sounds so weak

don't wanna make things bad
or help them get any worse
i just wanna sit you down
and share a couple words
i love what we've made here
so i wanna make it work
so if you wanna do the same
don't let me go unheard

because i feel like i'm out in the cold
and i'm  gonna die from a lack of movement
when i see things i shouldn't
i shrink into nothing and feel stupid
like why did i ever think
you would wanna do this
all i'm saying is if you really want this
i need you to prove it

i dont wanna lie
i hate to
but i'm not really lying
i just can't face you
i admit it
i'm scared
i've given so much of myself
to people who just didnt care
but i'm past that now
and i can do my best
i just need you to keep me from falling out of step
and making a mess
i wish i could see myself
through your eyes
then i maybe i would feel
like it's not all a lie
i dont know
i make no sense
it doesnt make
a difference
all i am saying
is that im afraid 
that i will make
a dumb mistake
forgive me for
my indiscretion 
my secrets are all i have
in my possession

catch a glimpse of myself
in my phone screen
seeing somebody who wants to love
but can barely even think
reaching out in every way
spread so thin she might sink
oh i hope i figure this **** out
before i hurt someone other than me

i’ve got to consider the way that you feel
but i have to acknowledge the pain that you’ve caused
stuck in a paradox
choose to live up to my message or my actual thoughts
i wish this was easier
put my feelings on pause

i can't say you're inconsistent
because you always pick her side
don't tell me you love me
just to change your mind
you always choose her
so i decided to leave
don't take it back
you've already lost me

burner in the back of my mind
it'll have to suffice
i can't continue to dedicate my life
to the things that didn't go right

i don't want to reach out for dreams
because they might underwhelm me
but the unexciting reality
itself grows expressly underwhelming

it's better to have love
than to lose it all pursuing phantasm
always grateful but too young to be choosing
to live in contempt or indulge in bad habits

to shed my hesitation
and finally go rabid
does the real thing feel this good
after you've had it?

i don't know and i won't ever
if i keep myself in check
i like being here with us together
it's just so easy to get swept

up by ideals
and things so contingent of following ungrounded reverie
i come home to you for all that is
i'm not heartless in my revelry