if i am holding the door open why would you tear through a wall
storm off if you want but don't say its my fault
i want you here but i wont give you an ultimatum
i give you second chances but can't force you to take them

there's something i can't reconcile
a fear hastily dismissed
i'm afraid of being the person i am
of a mistake that can't be fixed

perpetually sorry
awfully hardly
barely starting
to make up for all that i've done wrong

what is my burden
the punishment deserved and
the consequences i'm certain
will never amount to enough to feel okay to move on

while i'm sure i'm being dire
the awareness sheds no grief
castigated by my own thoughts
i couldn't walk away even if i was free

the things i didnt do
laid their claim on me
and the ones i did anyway
despite understanding
dig into me constantly
consciously
and when i feign peace
unconsciously

my room is a museum of the last night you were here
it never was really much
keep staring at your shirt on the floor
i cant bring myself to pick it up
its an understatement to say the last couple days
have been rough

but imma just let it go
why blow up your phone
you wanna be alone
you said so

you texted me to ask when it'd be okay
to come and get your stuff
whenever is best for you
but be careful of what you touch
broken hearts have sharp edges
and it'd be a shame if you were cut

bleeding on the ground
stains we couldn't wash out
willingly i would drown
but that doesnt matter now

creating excuses for someone
who doesn't care to make their own
you say he's really sorry
but did he ever say that though
if you can show me where
i can let it go
but that apology doesn't exist
you and i both know
if it's every other day
and the same old ******* ****
a growing mountain of flowery words
and no sign of improvement
if he did it once
he would do it again
never has to justify his behavior
your fear of loneliness does it for him
sparing feelings he doesn't have
this man couldn't care less
if he wanted to he would
but you know what to expect
selfish choices and rushed intimacy
never gets excited to see your texts
you want to be right so bad
you refuse to reassess
the foundation of your relationship
your endless effort only matched by his pride
scrambling to make him happy
just to be dehumanized
if he loves you likes he says he does
why can't he manage to treat you right
a promise you made under false pretenses
shouldn't determine the rest of your life

who do i wanna be
a friend or the enemy
will i let the whispers get to me
can i bring myself to be friendly

i dont wanna die
but i don't wanna be alive
each thought seems to be sad
i don't know why i feel so bad
but it comes in waves
every couple days
the urge to just let it out
but i dont wanna let people down
i know how death haunts the living
that when you're gone you can't be forgiven
but oh my god i cant do this anymore
frustrated with now and embarrassed of before
nowhere seems safe
everyone sees it on my face
it was hidden so well
even from myself
now we all see the hurting little girl
and i dont know how to live in that world

whatever happened
doesn't matter
questions
melting into laughter
pull her up on top of you
nice and slow
i'm far far away
while she sleeps close
i'm nothing now
i know, i know
it wasn't the end
but its still a blow
took what you needed
said your piece
corrupted every last
hope and dream
so why can't you
just leave it be
take everything else
just let me have me

words words words
are you still talking
i got bored half an hour ago
and i missed everything you said

i wanna say sorry
but it isn't my fault
you were rambling on and on
so i fell asleep instead

do you ever
just remember
everything you've ever done

sitting there
fully aware
and slowly becoming numb

past is frozen
heart stays broken
can't change what you already did

hoping to heal
despite how devastated you feel
like one day you might learn how to cope with it

if only you're so lucky
but how fortunate can you be
haunted by all the poor decisions
you made before you could see
their implications and consequences
now you face the terms of the sentence
you unknowingly received
yet you're to remain indifferent
pretend it doesn't hurt you when
you'll never trust yourself again
the architect of you own destruction
nostalgia your only friend

you
oh you
i'm dumbfounded
i'm amused

please
pretty please
love yourself
if not for you for me

funny how close we were
to be so distant now
crazy how quiet is
when we used to say i love you out loud
weird to think i used to respect you
since i can't even look you in the eye today
underwhelming to hear you say you still care
when we haven't spoken since may

congratulations and farewell
oh the stories we both could tell
but that would be in bad taste

goodbye and good riddance
you grew fond of my permissance
and now you recoil seeing my face

whatever happened
may never be clear
if erasure is what you want
for the last 5 years
that's honestly really sad

i can't stop you
but i can grow on
when you're ready
i'll be long gone
and it'll be just too ******* bad

sometimes i think about what life would be like
if we hadn't lost you and the life you deserved to live
and while it's not productive to pander
and break my heart over and over
considering all the what ifs

i wish with all my heart that it would've been me
if i could trade my life for you to have a fair chance i would
no doubt and i wouldn't regret it not one bit
but that's fanfare
and impossible to achieve

so instead today i want to think about what you gave me
the lessons i've learned in your absence
because you loved me and i know you'd want me to keep trying
and that doing less than my best would be shameful
and make your suffering null

i live with a purpose
and i love for a reason
and i am grateful even when i'm jaded

i choose to be kind
and remember to give grace
even when i'm over the world and clouded by hatred

and while it's not what i wanted
i'm glad to be on the other side
seeing what i was so blind to before

so its not a waste
and you should rest easy
knowing you gave me something to live for

i still miss you
every ******* day
and i still don't pray
but i repeat your name
everytime i wanna quit
and give up and walk away
know that you did that
it's because of you i'm saved

i didn't know love before you left me
and its a shame
but i have that knowledge know
and i wont stop drilling it into my brain

thank you

good times turn into memories
soon enough i struggle remembering
what made it special in the first place
but i'll let myself be at peace

people grow apart all the time
lose precious moments to our fragile minds
it's not always about being great
it's about finding ways to be free

for every good thing that that happens
a bad thing will follow soon
im trying not to be paranoid
but i don't know what else to do

crowded and alone
lonely and alone
you'll never feel like you belong
until you find a home

but you leave me speechless

it's about that time
everyone's moved along
i'm straggling per usual
always the last one to catch on

never the first one to leave
i never anticipate the end
so it always gets the best of me

i'm never ready to say goodbye
or planning to let go
clenching so tight my knuckles turn white
overly attached and it shows

but my love is genuinely
coming from a place of care and hope
a feeling where i can't eat sleep or breathe

until i know you feel it too
our hands on different sides of the glass
its scary to even consider
could you ever love me back

yet now the seat is cold and empty
you're gone
and i don't know what to think

maybe i'm too eager to try
or too predisposed to reach the finish line
am i too broken to find a home
or is trying to trust people a waste of time

the rot resides
in the cage of your heart
rusting the bars
making you its slave
though its not stable
it never falls apart
imprisoning your
will to change
neglectful of the present
chained to the past
spoiling all that is just and right
candles of hope
never seem to last
always burning out
in the night

no more
hands under shirts
sliding inside *******
wandering places
you don't belong
and can't be
i'm not even here
i'm too far gone
to be able to say what i mean
you push against my back
and try to let me know
how much you think you want me
i don't know how to feel
in the morning
everyone's still so charged
but i'm happy everyone's happy
even though this prickly feeling
has settled right here in my heart

are you okay today? 
                 you seem
      a little (more) off
              (than usual)
                                                          ­                                      oh its okay
                                                            ­                                    i'm just a
                                                               ­                                 little tired
                                                                ­                                (of being alive).

temptation is our master
beauty is our god
we pray to be loved
and pay to get off
baby machines
that's all we are
forcing ourselves together
as we fall apart
to lengthen the bloodline
and pass on our genes
we lie and we lust
through smartphone screens
saying that it's society's fault
for whatever that means
we are society 
we are the ones who killed our own dreams
and broke our own hearts
we are the ones who made it is way
if it's truly society's fault
then we ourselves are to blame
still just a baby machine
a consciousness composed of cells
its funny how i'm the only me
but i only wish to be someone else
i create my own reality
and i choose to hate myself
as much as i'd like to feel special
everybody is slowly decaying in their own hell
so nobody would hear
my many cries for help
you either feel too much
or remember how it felt
numb or overwhelmed
there is no between
promises are horse **** vows
we make and never intend to keep
we know that when we die
that will be our release
and till then we prey on the night
and escape through our dreams
human needs
primal urges
we want it
whether or not we deserve it

i sleep sometimes

but most of the time
i am thinking
i'm thinking thinking thinking
boy do i think
like about how tomorrow
i am going to be around
a bunch of people
i am pretty sure don't like me
or when someone will notice
that i listened
and did exactly as they asked
and i worry about
whether or not the people at work
even want me there
whether or not my friends
even want me
even like me

i sleep sometimes
but most of the time i think

pushing all the buttons
top floor
to rock bottom

elevator broken
i'm not moving
out of options

trying to make sense
out of how
i got here

this isn't funny anymore
i suddenly
fear

i didn't wanna
feel the pain
so i shut the door

wanted to forget
just live life
on a different floor

but i'm stuck
in the one place
i don't wanna be

the only place to go is
the only place
i wanna leave

i open my eyes
but i still feel everything
despite my every effort

have to blink again
maybe if i get some sleep
i might feel better

i'm just afraid
if i let go
i'll just be sitting there

staring out of the doorway
watching it happen
forced to stare

can't change the moment
the past is frozen
in itself

maybe it's my fault
never said no
still won't ask for help

i just wanna
get off on a different floor
and be okay

pressing all the buttons
but my situation
stays the same

can't make you want me
or take you with me
but i can blossom
and then you'll miss me
until then i'll pine and whine
and get over you in time
and as i grow apart from you
you'll begin to find
no one ever loved you
without expectations
no one will ever
be as patient
i could only wait for so long
and now i'm burnt out
i'm getting ready for the funeral
and you think this is goodbye for now
you silly silly boy
won't you wake up and read the signs
you're so oblivious
never appreciated the good in your life

add one lie
and two people
three more words
two more heartbreaks
one less lie

tired of writing about year old pain
of expending my energy on people who've moved on
i quit being sad about things i can't change
and trying to find purpose and love in places i don't belong