i am willing to listen
but i can't read your mind
tell me what you want
so i can make it right
if you bite your tongue
you're gaming for a fight
i am willing to listen
but first you need to try
to communicate
exactly what you need
to state your expectations
directly to me
i keep listening
but you fail to speak
don't you say i'm not trying
when you just keep ignoring
every sign and every attempt
so you can have "your" way
can't listen to you
when you think but you don't say
keep on pushing pushing pushing
and i will walk away
gave you my patience
you give me pain

it's the easy decisions
slight of hand
blurry intentions
you don't trust this man
he may be kind and sweet
and hold a door or two
tiny little things
to get to you
waiting until you're fading
to step up to the plate
barely know what you're saying
but you know you said okay
so if anything happens
it's all on you for trusting that
he would be a good friend
and just turn you off your back
oh goodness oh mercy oh **** oh god
pulling away from the memory physically
nerves firing at the thought
remembering so awfully vividly

teach me how to smile when ever it hurts
you mask the pain so well
help me learn to look just as calm as you
it's even hard for me to tell
that you suffer beneath that cool exterior
but i know that you do
or do you... what if you are really fine
and it's never bothered you

take me out and show me how
to pretend that i'm alright
you're so good at hiding it
the rotting inside
you laugh and you glow
no one could even guess
how do you do it
i've been such a mess

i'm getting kind of scared
that you aren't like me
that you are okay
and you aren't faking
how could you be fine
when i am broken
i miss you so much
that it's almost hopeless

this isn't fun anymore
i feel sick and i wanna stop
imprisoned by my past choices
and fighting compulsive thoughts
i don't know who to be
or what to do to feel okay
tried everything i could imagine
but i still feel this way

what if i told you
that i still feel the same
would that be good or bad
or awkward and strange

what if i told you
how i felt that night
before i up and went
and change my mind

what if i told you
about every single thing
that made you so perfect
at least to me

what if i told you
how long it took
for me too look at you
and not feel mistook

what if i told you
about the the hate that grew
in that period of time
i distanced myself from you

what if i told you
that i'm not the same
when you said you couldnt love me
i learned a new level of pain

what if i told you
i don't love you anymore
would you believe me
despite what i said before

what if you told me
you really felt the same
i cried out all the memories
so i really couldn't say
those feelings have been gone
but maybe the could be saved
i forgot how to want you
so i could stay sane
but i'm driving myself mad with these hypotheticals
but i'm trapped in my brain

what if i told you
i don't believe in love
forgetting you and losing myself
proved to be enough
to take the romantic in me
and show her that it's too ******* bad
love is just a concept
and it's nothing i will ever truly have

if i ask a question,
will you give me the answer?
if i fall apart,
will you put me back together?
if i give you this moment,
will you cherish it forever?
if i talk, would it ruin this?
would my silence make it better?

don't make promises you won't keep
there is no way to lie to me
i know your tells and what they mean
blink or look away or forget to breathe
give away the secret subconsciously
tell me a story without ever having to speak
give away the truth without acting honesty
give me signs i can read

i don't want you to forget everyone else
i just want you to remember me
no need to sacrifice everything you know
but couldn't you sometimes go without a few things
couldn't you say bye to that friend
couldn't you kiss the tears away
i don't need you all day everyday
i just need you right now babe
i'm sorry if that's too much
i'm sorry i wasn't sure before
your silence feels like being stabbed in the chest
i couldn't need you any more

haven't been taking good care of myself
i only noticed just now
as i find myself on the cliff
looking over at an imminent breakdown
and find i cant even muster up the tears
to cry the frustration out
too dehydrated to shed a single one
simply just too run down
every surface has been sanded aggressively
every discipline ground
i'm nothing but a pile of shavings
of what used to make me proud
all the things that i thought made me me
i detest as of late
the person that i used to be
successfully erased
through such a severe season
all that buffer weathered away
slowly but surely i morphed
into the disaster i am today
staring in the mirror
waiting for my reflection to change
thousands more stories hide behind
that same naive face
hate seeing that little girl
so gullible and young
forced herself to be grateful
for things she did not want
told herself she's lucky they like her
and wrote herself numb
cried in quiet like it was wrong
for her to feel violated after what they'd done
hate seeing that little girl
hate herself so much
and even though i hate the past
i'm so grateful i woke up
and entered this unsettling alternate universe
where i think everyone wants me dead
they're out to get you
says that new suffocating paranoid voice in my head
it's much louder than the others
and it seems to be spot on i guess
it's miserable and draining feeling like
every opportunity to feel is a threat
but something tells me its better than
living in perpetual dread
i know i'm far from being okay
but at least i'm able to leave my bed

i'm dancing like a drunkard
in an empty street
lit shittily by some yellowed lamp posts
looking stupid but feeling free
every step feels wrong
but i move like i'll die if i dont
in the night i fall over myself
trying to feel what i don't show
to them it all seems so clear
they think they've seen it all
vulnerable as i have been
there's a lot hiding behind these walls
so i'm spinning like a ballerina
tears cascading and dripping to the floor
everything i have is nothing
compared to what i had before
i do the huge leap and land in a crumple
i crash and burn and i succumb
it's hard to look back and not collapse
i know i'm still young
but i walk on these mauled feet
and write with these mangled hands
always picking at the wound so it can't heal
never had a chance
tip toeing and twirling pointedly
pretending this pain hasn't torn into me
the ****** hooks are finally ripping away
and all the maggots are pouring out; just wriggling
it feels good to be free of all that hatred
but it hurts to see the world as it is
god i wish i could just go back
to being a kid

if i'm not your first choice
i'm not an option
pick guys up and dust em off
but never been afraid to drop them
you aren't any different
no more special than the rest
your novelty will wear off
and i'll notice you're a mess
even then i'm understanding
that i can't expect you to be perfect when i'm not
but if you're only gonna bench me
why even waste my shot

freeze right up
before you meltdown
hold it all in
then spit it all out
you can keep
swallowing your blood
but eventually you're
gonna throw it up
you think you can
do this forever
but you're killing youself
with all the effort
why not be a little twisted
why's laughter taboo
you'd be a whole lot happier
if you were just you

i build it up in my mind
so grand and tall and unreal
it rises as i stand on top
thrilling yet scary to feel

and when our time is cut short
and it becomes do or lie
i give you a hug
for the very last time

ousted from my safety
made to walk the plank
so off the tower i go
though i wanted to stay

you'd think i'd be crushed like a bug
but you see it's all in my head
so the time i could feel this way
could just never end

never needed one
so there is no floor
there is no you
not anymore

but if it's all my imagination
why don't i just fly away and forget
i wonder everyday
as i lose my sense of direction spiraling in the pit

if i am holding the door open why would you tear through a wall
storm off if you want but don't say its my fault
i want you here but i wont give you an ultimatum
i give you second chances but can't force you to take them

there's something i can't reconcile
a fear hastily dismissed
i'm afraid of being the person i am
of a mistake that can't be fixed

perpetually sorry
awfully hardly
barely starting
to make up for all that i've done wrong

what is my burden
the punishment deserved and
the consequences i'm certain
will never amount to enough to feel okay to move on

while i'm sure i'm being dire
the awareness sheds no grief
castigated by my own thoughts
i couldn't walk away even if i was free

the things i didnt do
laid their claim on me
and the ones i did anyway
despite understanding
dig into me constantly
consciously
and when i feign peace
unconsciously

my room is a museum of the last night you were here
it never was really much
keep staring at your shirt on the floor
i cant bring myself to pick it up
its an understatement to say the last couple days
have been rough

but imma just let it go
why blow up your phone
you wanna be alone
you said so

you texted me to ask when it'd be okay
to come and get your stuff
whenever is best for you
but be careful of what you touch
broken hearts have sharp edges
and it'd be a shame if you were cut

bleeding on the ground
stains we couldn't wash out
willingly i would drown
but that doesnt matter now

creating excuses for someone
who doesn't care to make their own
you say he's really sorry
but did he ever say that though
if you can show me where
i can let it go
but that apology doesn't exist
you and i both know
if it's every other day
and the same old ******* ****
a growing mountain of flowery words
and no sign of improvement
if he did it once
he would do it again
never has to justify his behavior
your fear of loneliness does it for him
sparing feelings he doesn't have
this man couldn't care less
if he wanted to he would
but you know what to expect
selfish choices and rushed intimacy
never gets excited to see your texts
you want to be right so bad
you refuse to reassess
the foundation of your relationship
your endless effort only matched by his pride
scrambling to make him happy
just to be dehumanized
if he loves you likes he says he does
why can't he manage to treat you right
a promise you made under false pretenses
shouldn't determine the rest of your life

who do i wanna be
a friend or the enemy
will i let the whispers get to me
can i bring myself to be friendly

indulged then engorged
i slipped right through your fingertips
does the timbre of my voice
still shiver in your ribs
chest locked and throat blocked
a frantic exhale denied
does the whisper of my touch
drag along the walls of your mind
are you grateful you didn't cross that bridge
or bothered that you couldn't
dignities were stained some later time
when i was still too callow to have better judgment
but i was discerning enough
to identify and avoid your sticky lures
and so fledgling instincts beat out the odious
only now i know for sure
like saliva foaming to your jaw
down to the floor into the ground
i slipped right through your fingertips
you'll never catch me now

i dont wanna die
but i don't wanna be alive
each thought seems to be sad
i don't know why i feel so bad
but it comes in waves
every couple days
the urge to just let it out
but i dont wanna let people down
i know how death haunts the living
that when you're gone you can't be forgiven
but oh my god i cant do this anymore
frustrated with now and embarrassed of before
nowhere seems safe
everyone sees it on my face
it was hidden so well
even from myself
now we all see the hurting little girl
and i dont know how to live in that world

whatever happened
doesn't matter
questions
melting into laughter
pull her up on top of you
nice and slow
i'm far far away
while she sleeps close
i'm nothing now
i know, i know
it wasn't the end
but its still a blow
took what you needed
said your piece
corrupted every last
hope and dream
so why can't you
just leave it be
take everything else
just let me have me

words words words
are you still talking
i got bored half an hour ago
and i missed everything you said

i wanna say sorry
but it isn't my fault
you were rambling on and on
so i fell asleep instead

do you ever
just remember
everything you've ever done

sitting there
fully aware
and slowly becoming numb

past is frozen
heart stays broken
can't change what you already did

hoping to heal
despite how devastated you feel
like one day you might learn how to cope with it

if only you're so lucky
but how fortunate can you be
haunted by all the poor decisions
you made before you could see
their implications and consequences
now you face the terms of the sentence
you unknowingly received
yet you're to remain indifferent
pretend it doesn't hurt you when
you'll never trust yourself again
the architect of you own destruction
nostalgia your only friend

you
oh you
i'm dumbfounded
i'm amused

please
pretty please
love yourself
if not for you for me

funny how close we were
to be so distant now
crazy how quiet is
when we used to say i love you out loud
weird to think i used to respect you
since i can't even look you in the eye today
underwhelming to hear you say you still care
when we haven't spoken since may

congratulations and farewell
oh the stories we both could tell
but that would be in bad taste

goodbye and good riddance
you grew fond of my permissance
and now you recoil seeing my face

whatever happened
may never be clear
if erasure is what you want
for the last 5 years
that's honestly really sad

i can't stop you
but i can grow on
when you're ready
i'll be long gone
and it'll be just too ******* bad

sometimes i think about what life would be like
if we hadn't lost you and the life you deserved to live
and while it's not productive to pander
and break my heart over and over
considering all the what ifs

i wish with all my heart that it would've been me
if i could trade my life for you to have a fair chance i would
no doubt and i wouldn't regret it not one bit
but that's fanfare
and impossible to achieve

so instead today i want to think about what you gave me
the lessons i've learned in your absence
because you loved me and i know you'd want me to keep trying
and that doing less than my best would be shameful
and make your suffering null

i live with a purpose
and i love for a reason
and i am grateful even when i'm jaded

i choose to be kind
and remember to give grace
even when i'm over the world and clouded by hatred

and while it's not what i wanted
i'm glad to be on the other side
seeing what i was so blind to before

so its not a waste
and you should rest easy
knowing you gave me something to live for

i still miss you
every ******* day
and i still don't pray
but i repeat your name
everytime i wanna quit
and give up and walk away
know that you did that
it's because of you i'm saved

i didn't know love before you left me
and its a shame
but i have that knowledge know
and i wont stop drilling it into my brain

thank you

good times turn into memories
soon enough i struggle remembering
what made it special in the first place
but i'll let myself be at peace

people grow apart all the time
lose precious moments to our fragile minds
it's not always about being great
it's about finding ways to be free