for every good thing that that happens
a bad thing will follow soon
im trying not to be paranoid
but i don't know what else to do

crowded and alone
lonely and alone
you'll never feel like you belong
until you find a home

but you leave me speechless

it's about that time
everyone's moved along
i'm straggling per usual
always the last one to catch on

never the first one to leave
i never anticipate the end
so it always gets the best of me

i'm never ready to say goodbye
or planning to let go
clenching so tight my knuckles turn white
overly attached and it shows

but my love is genuinely
coming from a place of care and hope
a feeling where i can't eat sleep or breathe

until i know you feel it too
our hands on different sides of the glass
its scary to even consider
could you ever love me back

yet now the seat is cold and empty
you're gone
and i don't know what to think

maybe i'm too eager to try
or too predisposed to reach the finish line
am i too broken to find a home
or is trying to trust people a waste of time

the rot resides
in the cage of your heart
rusting the bars
making you its slave
though its not stable
it never falls apart
imprisoning your
will to change
neglectful of the present
chained to the past
spoiling all that is just and right
candles of hope
never seem to last
always burning out
in the night

no more
hands under shirts
sliding inside *******
wandering places
you don't belong
and can't be
i'm not even here
i'm too far gone
to be able to say what i mean
you push against my back
and try to let me know
how much you think you want me
i don't know how to feel
in the morning
everyone's still so charged
but i'm happy everyone's happy
even though this prickly feeling
has settled right here in my heart

are you okay today? 
                 you seem
      a little (more) off
              (than usual)
                                                          ­                                      oh its okay
                                                            ­                                    i'm just a
                                                               ­                                 little tired
                                                                ­                                (of being alive).

temptation is our master
beauty is our god
we pray to be loved
and pay to get off
baby machines
that's all we are
forcing ourselves together
as we fall apart
to lengthen the bloodline
and pass on our genes
we lie and we lust
through smartphone screens
saying that it's society's fault
for whatever that means
we are society 
we are the ones who killed our own dreams
and broke our own hearts
we are the ones who made it is way
if it's truly society's fault
then we ourselves are to blame
still just a baby machine
a consciousness composed of cells
its funny how i'm the only me
but i only wish to be someone else
i create my own reality
and i choose to hate myself
as much as i'd like to feel special
everybody is slowly decaying in their own hell
so nobody would hear
my many cries for help
you either feel too much
or remember how it felt
numb or overwhelmed
there is no between
promises are horse **** vows
we make and never intend to keep
we know that when we die
that will be our release
and till then we prey on the night
and escape through our dreams
human needs
primal urges
we want it
whether or not we deserve it

i sleep sometimes

but most of the time
i am thinking
i'm thinking thinking thinking
boy do i think
like about how tomorrow
i am going to be around
a bunch of people
i am pretty sure don't like me
or when someone will notice
that i listened
and did exactly as they asked
and i worry about
whether or not the people at work
even want me there
whether or not my friends
even want me
even like me

i sleep sometimes
but most of the time i think

pushing all the buttons
top floor
to rock bottom

elevator broken
i'm not moving
out of options

trying to make sense
out of how
i got here

this isn't funny anymore
i suddenly
fear

i didn't wanna
feel the pain
so i shut the door

wanted to forget
just live life
on a different floor

but i'm stuck
in the one place
i don't wanna be

the only place to go is
the only place
i wanna leave

i open my eyes
but i still feel everything
despite my every effort

have to blink again
maybe if i get some sleep
i might feel better

i'm just afraid
if i let go
i'll just be sitting there

staring out of the doorway
watching it happen
forced to stare

can't change the moment
the past is frozen
in itself

maybe it's my fault
never said no
still won't ask for help

i just wanna
get off on a different floor
and be okay

pressing all the buttons
but my situation
stays the same

can't make you want me
or take you with me
but i can blossom
and then you'll miss me
until then i'll pine and whine
and get over you in time
and as i grow apart from you
you'll begin to find
no one ever loved you
without expectations
no one will ever
be as patient
i could only wait for so long
and now i'm burnt out
i'm getting ready for the funeral
and you think this is goodbye for now
you silly silly boy
won't you wake up and read the signs
you're so oblivious
never appreciated the good in your life

add one lie
and two people
three more words
two more heartbreaks
one less lie

tired of writing about year old pain
of expending my energy on people who've moved on
i quit being sad about things i can't change
and trying to find purpose and love in places i don't belong

heart beat beating
beating
being beat
up
been beat
being beat
beat just keeps beating
feeling pretty beat

slept with my makeup on
came home and crashed in your arms
woke up head pounding
but hypnotized by the pound of your heart
the way it rumbles from inside your chest
is almost too much for me
i could spend the rest of my life
just watching you sleep
i just wanna get closer
and rest my head on your chest
so overwhelmingly grateful
that you want me despite my mess

hate to admit it but
now you realize how much you needed me
cut communication but now you're disposed of
and you're losing your identity
at the very least i held you down
i was present and open minded
was willing to love your extremes
even if i didn't like them
even if i struggled to trust you
i trusted you because you were my friend
i treated you as best i could
wasn't the best but at least i gave a ****
and it was the best you had
and maybe ever will have
too late to try and scramble
to steal it back
the reality is sinking in
and it scares you to think
you finally reached
the end of the road with me
that there's nothing you can do
to lure me back in
no words you can say
to get under my skin
can't get my attention now
which is funny cause i used to fawn
can't appreciate some things
till their no longer yours and really gone

ooh thats too close
can't risk the fall just hoping i'll float
watching my steps with a lump in my throat
be careful he warned but i already know

i'm counting down the days to go
i'm marinating in thoughts
i'm chewing on the worst of them
as i burn a hole into the clock
with my drying eyes
and ache for this time to come to a close
i've sat here for long enough
i've entertained every sorrow i know

i can imagine them all huddled up
laughing at my misfortune
repainting the picture and denying my character
my actions warped and my words distorted
the blame falls down on me
like an anvil in a stupid cartoon
i'm unable to defend myself
but for their acceptance, why would i even want to?

i've been ready to leave for a good long while
but i held out to see if i was mistaken
but the proof found me and i protected myself
and that somehow made me satan
so yeah i walked away and i'd do it again
i deserve more than to be of use
i believed you and what did that get me
other than abandoned and misconstrued

so have your little party and vilify me
burn me at the stake if you please
my worst crime being reactive to the abuse
and finally choosing me
over phony peace i only had
when i would bend to your every whim
compromise was never an option
and you were never a friend

just little old me
no need to hold me
can't seem to know me
keep feeling lonely
what is it you
think i can do
you know i'm too
confused

keep trying to stall me
constantly call me
then try to fault me
when i'm not falling
why is that i
hold your unfocused eye
walk a straight line
before you waste my time

tired of reaching out
tired of holding it in
tired all the ******* time
tired but i still come in
tired is written all over my face
tired is threaded through my soul
tired of breathing, of waiting, of bleeding
tired but i make my way home
tired of hurting
tired yet the pain keeps me awake
tired organs and worn out feelings
tired enough to fade away
tired tired tired tired
tired of living and crying
tired of finding new reasons
tired enough to stop trying

are you happy
with where you are
now that stabbed me
in the heart

cause now i'm bleeding and crying
i'm scared that i'm dying
claim oversimplifying
but you're just denying

pretending i'm fine
is really hard
you took this fight
way too far

cause now i'm bleeding and crying
and you're mad at me for prying
now that i know you're lying
how is this suprising

every moment seems
lonelier than i recall
next to our names
warnings were written on the wall
ignored the flashing signs
guess thats my fault


when i look back
its all black and gray
maybe since its over
i remember it in a different way
i'm just realizing our good times
were never all that great

i am just a human being
life goes on despite the season
feelings change without good reason
i love you but we're not meeting
where it really counts

in dreams i'm kissing other people
at parties i get too ****** up so you have to come get me
you can't tell me why you love me
and it makes it hard to sleep
guess i'm a problem now

two years in and i hate to think
that my consciousness is splitting as we speak
there may still be hope but we
don't wanna be the one to uproot the peace

we've found in the monotony and unwantedness
deep down i want to believe you are the one but something's amiss
you don't touch me the way that you used to
and i can tell exactly why i love you

long silence
i dont want to tell you how i feel
i don't think you'd understand
and worse
what if i hurt you

under your unwanting thumb
got me feeling really bummed
kinda actually liked you

i'm over here feeling stupid dumb
for thinking i could be someone
to someone like you

guess i forgot who i was
in your world of quick blunt fun
was never really seen by you

now i'm just no one
you like pictures and act numb
yet never read what i write you

happy
            happy
                         happy
            merry
                         merry
                                      merry

please just let me be myself, even if it's really
                                                                                    s
                                                                                       c
                                                                                          a
                                                                                             r
                                                                                                y

closing the distance
i purposely made
i gave you my reasons
i made myself space
even though i didn't
have anything to explain
allowed to move how i want to
to keep myself safe
lucky i'm so nice
to even entertain
such a cowardly
and immature display
i'm done with cradling your feelings
to avoid your rage
i'm not required to be your friend
or tolerate
the ******* you do
on the day to day
it's frankly quite annoying
how you won't let me go away
this is what i wanted
just can't respect the choice i've made

im just skin n bones
a bunch of cells
like im not even real
i dont feel like myself
but i dont know who i am
just a mish mash of organs
guess i should be lucky to be alive
but i revel in my misfortune

stayed up till 6 am again
stuck thinking about the boat that i'm in
staring over the edge knowing i cant swim
this growing up stuff is finally settling in