i don't feel pretty
i feel ugly ugly ugly
back up before i scream
stop trying to hug me hug me hug me
i don't understand why you
have to be so touchy touchy touchy
you don't know me
so stop saying you love me love me love me

the pieces of me
my dichotomies
don't fit pretty
or at all

clashing next to each other
mustard and peanut butter
different mothers
must be my fault

that i can't be one thing
or the same version of me
for every person i meet
like a doll

just a cess pool of thought
pandora's box
i am and i'm not
the rise and fall

i just wanna talk
but it's complicated
a feeling is taking up my brain
but i don't know how to phrase it
stumbling on silly words
no right way to say it
yours are special to me though
every syllable sacred

you burn everything you touch
flames licking every surface
with your fingerprints littered all over my body
i turn to ashes in a furnace

loving the way
these lines are blurred
love being wanted
love feeling heard
the simple act of remembering
has me floored
and if you feed a homeless cat
it'll come back for more
so you got me by the ear
got me feeling some kinda way
i'm drooling at your voice
i'm hypnotized by the words you say
and that feeling is slippery
but it's okay because i don't wanna wash it off
i wanna soak in this pleasure
till my hardened frown starts to go soft

flesh separated
from temple to toe
cracked like an egg
scored clean through the marrow
scraped of all utility
disregarded past my prime
left as a pile of rotting innards
futility found to be a punishable crime
and as i lay in waste
extinguished and razed
borrowing hope
and counting my days
i realize that my dereliction
is a symptom not my being
i have a purpose beyond your shrinking views
you would never free me

that's something one can only do for themselves
and the answer won't be found in anybody else








(you lied to me and i believed you)

i can't remember the last time i was happy
maybe because that was never
but today i swear i cameᵗʰᶤˢclose

tell myself to stop rhyming
cause this **** turns into writing
hate spiraling nightly
my brain does it to spite me
but secretly i love the sting
of explaining my pain perfectly
putting it out there for all to see
making people question their self esteem
wondering if the words they read
are about themselves because they know they hurt me

please shoot the voices in my head
if they get too loud
i can't deal with their judgement
right now
everybody else
already has something to say
so why must they add their two cents
to my piggy bank

i always try to make them happy
but someone's always mad
i do things to break the cycle
but someone's always sad
everything i do feels
like it is the wrong choice
and when everything you touch dies
you start to question the point

when the whispers start to bother you
make me understand
if you don't see the same future
tell me in advance
i don't wanna move the village
into an active warzone
if you can blame it on work
why can't i pin it on my hormones

now that we're all here
shoulder to shoulder on the sofa
i'm afraid i've already met
my disappointment quota
maybe today you can make me
wish we never met
you think i can't break your will
i'll take you on that bet

if i can't have you
then that's too bad
you can try to run
but you're not that fast
hurry up break my heart
right in half

it will make what i am about to do less painful

if you love it
they say let it go
you don't love me
your eyes say so
if i can't be happy
it wont show

i hold my head high but my thoughts are hateful

i see the light
she puts in your eyes
i could be sore
or i could devise
a plan that
makes it a tie

one for one, even and able

you love her don't you
go ahead and choose her
not knowing
the ironic future
that lay ahead
for you sir

if she was never yours, it's not a betrayal

she'll never love you
i made sure of that
hope it saws
your heart in half
hope the sight of me taking her
drives you mad

seeing that look on your face is absolutely shameful

whispers creep into my ear
condensation from your drink
pools on the table
amused by the way you think
every word digs deeper than the last
cutting down sandbags so i can fly
night like this when its just me and you
reminds me i can do more than just survive

it's confusing
how the storm dried up just like that
and the sky inked to black
at the quiet entrance of your memory
my focus pilfering

normally i'm so ragged
pulled in too many directions
but when i remember you
all stands still like it's a crime to breathe
the world goes on without me


i'm not afraid
but i don't understand
and its like you're speaking to me
but its too soft to be true
muffled like conversations in another room



but i pick up and i carry on
never the same but in demand
and if i told anyone it'd be too late
your whispers cloud my soggy brain
but i don't want to be sent away





cause then we couldn't talk anymore
and i don't want to live without you

i am willing to listen
but i can't read your mind
tell me what you want
so i can make it right
if you bite your tongue
you're gaming for a fight
i am willing to listen
but first you need to try
to communicate
exactly what you need
to state your expectations
directly to me
i keep listening
but you fail to speak
don't you say i'm not trying
when you just keep ignoring
every sign and every attempt
so you can have "your" way
can't listen to you
when you think but you don't say
keep on pushing pushing pushing
and i will walk away
gave you my patience
you give me pain

it's the easy decisions
slight of hand
blurry intentions
you don't trust this man
he may be kind and sweet
and hold a door or two
tiny little things
to get to you
waiting until you're fading
to step up to the plate
barely know what you're saying
but you know you said okay
so if anything happens
it's all on you for trusting that
he would be a good friend
and just turn you off your back
oh goodness oh mercy oh **** oh god
pulling away from the memory physically
nerves firing at the thought
remembering so awfully vividly

teach me how to smile when ever it hurts
you mask the pain so well
help me learn to look just as calm as you
it's even hard for me to tell
that you suffer beneath that cool exterior
but i know that you do
or do you... what if you are really fine
and it's never bothered you

take me out and show me how
to pretend that i'm alright
you're so good at hiding it
the rotting inside
you laugh and you glow
no one could even guess
how do you do it
i've been such a mess

i'm getting kind of scared
that you aren't like me
that you are okay
and you aren't faking
how could you be fine
when i am broken
i miss you so much
that it's almost hopeless

this isn't fun anymore
i feel sick and i wanna stop
imprisoned by my past choices
and fighting compulsive thoughts
i don't know who to be
or what to do to feel okay
tried everything i could imagine
but i still feel this way

what if i told you
that i still feel the same
would that be good or bad
or awkward and strange

what if i told you
how i felt that night
before i up and went
and change my mind

what if i told you
about every single thing
that made you so perfect
at least to me

what if i told you
how long it took
for me too look at you
and not feel mistook

what if i told you
about the the hate that grew
in that period of time
i distanced myself from you

what if i told you
that i'm not the same
when you said you couldnt love me
i learned a new level of pain

what if i told you
i don't love you anymore
would you believe me
despite what i said before

what if you told me
you really felt the same
i cried out all the memories
so i really couldn't say
those feelings have been gone
but maybe the could be saved
i forgot how to want you
so i could stay sane
but i'm driving myself mad with these hypotheticals
but i'm trapped in my brain

what if i told you
i don't believe in love
forgetting you and losing myself
proved to be enough
to take the romantic in me
and show her that it's too ******* bad
love is just a concept
and it's nothing i will ever truly have

if i ask a question,
will you give me the answer?
if i fall apart,
will you put me back together?
if i give you this moment,
will you cherish it forever?
if i talk, would it ruin this?
would my silence make it better?

don't make promises you won't keep
there is no way to lie to me
i know your tells and what they mean
blink or look away or forget to breathe
give away the secret subconsciously
tell me a story without ever having to speak
give away the truth without acting honesty
give me signs i can read

i don't want you to forget everyone else
i just want you to remember me
no need to sacrifice everything you know
but couldn't you sometimes go without a few things
couldn't you say bye to that friend
couldn't you kiss the tears away
i don't need you all day everyday
i just need you right now babe
i'm sorry if that's too much
i'm sorry i wasn't sure before
your silence feels like being stabbed in the chest
i couldn't need you any more

haven't been taking good care of myself
i only noticed just now
as i find myself on the cliff
looking over at an imminent breakdown
and find i cant even muster up the tears
to cry the frustration out
too dehydrated to shed a single one
simply just too run down
every surface has been sanded aggressively
every discipline ground
i'm nothing but a pile of shavings
of what used to make me proud
all the things that i thought made me me
i detest as of late
the person that i used to be
successfully erased
through such a severe season
all that buffer weathered away
slowly but surely i morphed
into the disaster i am today
staring in the mirror
waiting for my reflection to change
thousands more stories hide behind
that same naive face
hate seeing that little girl
so gullible and young
forced herself to be grateful
for things she did not want
told herself she's lucky they like her
and wrote herself numb
cried in quiet like it was wrong
for her to feel violated after what they'd done
hate seeing that little girl
hate herself so much
and even though i hate the past
i'm so grateful i woke up
and entered this unsettling alternate universe
where i think everyone wants me dead
they're out to get you
says that new suffocating paranoid voice in my head
it's much louder than the others
and it seems to be spot on i guess
it's miserable and draining feeling like
every opportunity to feel is a threat
but something tells me its better than
living in perpetual dread
i know i'm far from being okay
but at least i'm able to leave my bed

i'm dancing like a drunkard
in an empty street
lit shittily by some yellowed lamp posts
looking stupid but feeling free
every step feels wrong
but i move like i'll die if i dont
in the night i fall over myself
trying to feel what i don't show
to them it all seems so clear
they think they've seen it all
vulnerable as i have been
there's a lot hiding behind these walls
so i'm spinning like a ballerina
tears cascading and dripping to the floor
everything i have is nothing
compared to what i had before
i do the huge leap and land in a crumple
i crash and burn and i succumb
it's hard to look back and not collapse
i know i'm still young
but i walk on these mauled feet
and write with these mangled hands
always picking at the wound so it can't heal
never had a chance
tip toeing and twirling pointedly
pretending this pain hasn't torn into me
the ****** hooks are finally ripping away
and all the maggots are pouring out; just wriggling
it feels good to be free of all that hatred
but it hurts to see the world as it is
god i wish i could just go back
to being a kid

if i'm not your first choice
i'm not an option
pick guys up and dust em off
but never been afraid to drop them
you aren't any different
no more special than the rest
your novelty will wear off
and i'll notice you're a mess
even then i'm understanding
that i can't expect you to be perfect when i'm not
but if you're only gonna bench me
why even waste my shot

freeze right up
before you meltdown
hold it all in
then spit it all out
you can keep
swallowing your blood
but eventually you're
gonna throw it up
you think you can
do this forever
but you're killing youself
with all the effort
why not be a little twisted
why's laughter taboo
you'd be a whole lot happier
if you were just you

i build it up in my mind
so grand and tall and unreal
it rises as i stand on top
thrilling yet scary to feel

and when our time is cut short
and it becomes do or lie
i give you a hug
for the very last time

ousted from my safety
made to walk the plank
so off the tower i go
though i wanted to stay

you'd think i'd be crushed like a bug
but you see it's all in my head
so the time i could feel this way
could just never end

never needed one
so there is no floor
there is no you
not anymore

but if it's all my imagination
why don't i just fly away and forget
i wonder everyday
as i lose my sense of direction spiraling in the pit