frequently alone
only company is my phone
quarantine so everything's closed
parents don't want me to leave the home

miss my friends and normal life
it's more than just being outside
it's human connections and meeting eyes
the hollow feeling gets worse at night

reaching out to figments of my past
the joy of rekindling never lasts
strangers wanna talk but never ask
i'm drowning but no one wants to save my ***

cough up the worst thing you could say
and see how much i care
imagine your personal hell
and dare me to take you there
there used to be feelings
but you shut them down
its hard to "have a heart"
when you cut mine out
blood dripping 
from the gaping hole in my chest
be careful not to slip
on your regrets
because you seem to have come searching 
for belonging
you used to find that with me
before you wronged me
you tossed me aside
when i wasnt easy
you demanded my submission
but never tried to please me
even through that
i stayed loyal
and kept a level head
when my blood began to boil 
but you made your last mistake
and took the last step
the final straw to making sure
i could never forget
and trust me i haven't 
i am still seething 
it is taking all of my will power
to not lunge at where you're seated
and drain the pride from you
like you discarded my purpose
i wonder if you even know what its like
to feel utterly worthless
i could show you
if you want
you seem to want it
with the way you taunt
you abandon me
then return on a whim
to confess that you 
want to be friends
you don't even consider
how i might react
or even thought
that maybe that
i never wanted to see your face again
for as long as i live
what you did
is something tat can not be forgived
i can't be you're friend
or pretend to understand 
you didnt appreciate what i did
so i can't give you who j am
not even in the slightest
because i don't trust you
after you do things like that
you change someone's whole point of view
of you yourself
and even life
so dont pretend
you know what its like
you keep pushing my buttons
to see when i'll crack
but i shed my feelings
when you stabbed me in the back
don't you tempt me
cause i will let you burn
i don't want to but if you dont go
i will show you what it means to hurt

swimming against the tide
i want it to be alright
tired of being denied
just because i am two y's
you act so mean
because of what's in between
i didn't do a thing
born into patriarchy
i am equally logical
thats indeed possible
your imaginary obstacle
seems paradoxical
you are one letter away
from feeling all this pain
though i'd never change
it's burden to bear each day

i'm tired of being
passed on like the flu
pushed away like broccoli
looked past like a warning sign
walked over like dog ****
put down like an animal
locked up like a criminal
cut off like a druggie

no one loves me
but they claim they care
if they really did wouldn't they see

i am falling apart
fragile to the touch
yet they keep on pushing me

closer to the edge
and they think i can take more
so they push farther till i'm at the brink

it's like they know i can't swim
but they are going overboard
and they'll be suprised when i sink

hopeless they say
ask me if i'm okay
the songs i play
make them question my mental state

swear that i'm fine
mean it at the time
but when i go home that night
i finally realize

maybe i do believe in fairytales
and i am waiting for my prince charming
that i wanna be a beauty to a beast
a bunny to a darling

maybe i do believe in true love
that i don't have to die alone
maybe i go about it wrong at times
but i've always sought a shared throne

and maybe that makes me susceptible
and sensitive to rejection
but if i lose that hope now
i'd lose all direction

come around
come lie down
come here (you beg)
come now
in your careful hands
we both know i stand
next to no chance
sink like quicksand

now you put me under
softly to sleep
blissfully unaware
of the sins committed against me

i want you
i still want you
music doesnt help
writing doesnt help
nothing helps
because at night
i get stuck 
in that place between 
wake and sleep
wanting you
and i don't know who you are
i thought it was feasible
but i know better now
i dont like to think about it now
so much pride 
on both sides
running myself down
to exhaustion
so i just sleep through on night
but days spent painfully awake and aware
day dreaming about you
while living the nightmare that is reality

these strangers think they know me
strangers i used to call friends
used to be close but we drifted away
now their closing in on me again

these strangers think they know me
strangers who express their interest
but you cant like me because of my pictures
it takes time to be granted access

these strangers think they know me
strangers with which i share blood
a house is four walls where we cohabit
but that does not equal trust

this stranger thinks she knows me
a stranger i can not escape
the stranger is me
i hope i figure myself out one day

words are unbecoming
i'm restless in my consideration
around every corner lies a brand new issue
my peace pilfered and my worries proliferated

i think about you
i drag about myself
i wonder about them
i weigh out everything else

and in the end it amounts to nothing
i'm alone and no one understands
i account for every inch and note areas of concern
when things never go to plan

i'm dying for something to just make sense
everyday is a game i never win
are you a burden or are you a friend in need
i cant tell anymore and i'm tired of it

i cant do this i cant breathe i cant stand the sight of me i cant listen to what you say i cant feel anything but this pain i cant take it anymore i give up

in your presence
i shutdown
probably unhealthy
but it works for now
keeps me from drowning
in anxiety
you provoke
the fight or flight in me
except i just freeze
ice cold
gone to any world
i know
catatonic
floating away
break from reality
to a safe space
being next to you
scares me to death
since the moment you sat down
i've held my breath

somewhere i'd swear
between freefall and impact
i'm using the opportunity
to find my way back
to the crack that
i crawled out from
detailing the path
to what i've become
using the story
to backtrace my soul
before i lose the powers
of the rabbit hole

I'm strolling, strolling
Strolling, strolling
Turned the other way
Still strolling, strolling
Strolling, strolling
I'm walking in the other direction, because
I don't need to know what you're doing
To close my eyes at night
Don't want to know what girl you're *******
I think I'll get by fine

So I'm strolling, strolling
Strolling, strolling
To get you out my head
I'm strolling, strolling
Strolling, strolling
To show that I know myself
Because I won't chase
After you anymore
We can't lean on each other
Like before

Because I'm strolling, strolling
Strolling, strolling
Into my destiny

so many rigid walls
blocking my way
too many unhealthy thoughts
clogging my brain
all of these people
telling me it's too late
nobody understands
the extent of my pain
they all say it gets better
and that i'll be okay
they tell me to hold on
like i haven't tried
keep telling me to breathe
as they close in on all sides
tell me to come out of the darkness
as they burn me with their lights
keep telling telling telling
but i don't want their advice
but i'm stuck and i'm lost
and so ******* confused
so wrapped up in my feelings
i could never fathom what to do
about all of these problems
that somehow all lead back to you
it was not a what that was hurting me
but it took too long to figure out who
i blamed homework and school
i blamed work and sleep
i blamed existence and life
i blamed everything
but i never blamed you
eventually i even blamed me
never thought that you would hurt me
but i guess that i'm still learning

fornication
prison of life we can't escape it
but if i have to suffer
i'll suffer with you
love the way you take
the dreariness out of this room

panic like quicksand
sink before i even know
to fight whats happening to me
to fight for my soul
i'm not even myself anymore
too overstimulated
to feel the whips that crack on my skin
can't hold my concentration
i'm just so sad
outside of myself right now
the more i try to hold it all in
the more it starts bleeding out
i'm just too many things at once
and i just wanna be okay
i wanna go back and fix it somehow
but i know there just isn't a way

i don't feel pretty
i feel ugly ugly ugly
back up before i scream
stop trying to hug me hug me hug me
i don't understand why you
have to be so touchy touchy touchy
you don't know me
so stop saying you love me love me love me

the pieces of me
my dichotomies
don't fit pretty
or at all

clashing next to each other
mustard and peanut butter
different mothers
must be my fault

that i can't be one thing
or the same version of me
for every person i meet
like a doll

just a cess pool of thought
pandora's box
i am and i'm not
the rise and fall

i just wanna talk
but it's complicated
a feeling is taking up my brain
but i don't know how to phrase it
stumbling on silly words
no right way to say it
yours are special to me though
every syllable sacred

you burn everything you touch
flames licking every surface
with your fingerprints littered all over my body
i turn to ashes in a furnace

loving the way
these lines are blurred
love being wanted
love feeling heard
the simple act of remembering
has me floored
and if you feed a homeless cat
it'll come back for more
so you got me by the ear
got me feeling some kinda way
i'm drooling at your voice
i'm hypnotized by the words you say
and that feeling is slippery
but it's okay because i don't wanna wash it off
i wanna soak in this pleasure
till my hardened frown starts to go soft

flesh separated
from temple to toe
cracked like an egg
scored clean through the marrow
scraped of all utility
disregarded past my prime
left as a pile of rotting innards
futility found to be a punishable crime
and as i lay in waste
extinguished and razed
borrowing hope
and counting my days
i realize that my dereliction
is a symptom not my being
i have a purpose beyond your shrinking views
you would never free me

that's something one can only do for themselves
and the answer won't be found in anybody else








(you lied to me and i believed you)

i can't remember the last time i was happy
maybe because that was never
but today i swear i cameᵗʰᶤˢclose

tell myself to stop rhyming
cause this **** turns into writing
hate spiraling nightly
my brain does it to spite me
but secretly i love the sting
of explaining my pain perfectly
putting it out there for all to see
making people question their self esteem
wondering if the words they read
are about themselves because they know they hurt me

please shoot the voices in my head
if they get too loud
i can't deal with their judgement
right now
everybody else
already has something to say
so why must they add their two cents
to my piggy bank

i always try to make them happy
but someone's always mad
i do things to break the cycle
but someone's always sad
everything i do feels
like it is the wrong choice
and when everything you touch dies
you start to question the point

when the whispers start to bother you
make me understand
if you don't see the same future
tell me in advance
i don't wanna move the village
into an active warzone
if you can blame it on work
why can't i pin it on my hormones

now that we're all here
shoulder to shoulder on the sofa
i'm afraid i've already met
my disappointment quota
maybe today you can make me
wish we never met
you think i can't break your will
i'll take you on that bet

if i can't have you
then that's too bad
you can try to run
but you're not that fast
hurry up break my heart
right in half

it will make what i am about to do less painful

if you love it
they say let it go
you don't love me
your eyes say so
if i can't be happy
it wont show

i hold my head high but my thoughts are hateful

i see the light
she puts in your eyes
i could be sore
or i could devise
a plan that
makes it a tie

one for one, even and able

you love her don't you
go ahead and choose her
not knowing
the ironic future
that lay ahead
for you sir

if she was never yours, it's not a betrayal

she'll never love you
i made sure of that
hope it saws
your heart in half
hope the sight of me taking her
drives you mad

seeing that look on your face is absolutely shameful

whispers creep into my ear
condensation from your drink
pools on the table
amused by the way you think
every word digs deeper than the last
cutting down sandbags so i can fly
night like this when its just me and you
reminds me i can do more than just survive

i am willing to listen
but i can't read your mind
tell me what you want
so i can make it right
if you bite your tongue
you're gaming for a fight
i am willing to listen
but first you need to try
to communicate
exactly what you need
to state your expectations
directly to me
i keep listening
but you fail to speak
don't you say i'm not trying
when you just keep ignoring
every sign and every attempt
so you can have "your" way
can't listen to you
when you think but you don't say
keep on pushing pushing pushing
and i will walk away
gave you my patience
you give me pain