you spend so long
hoping and crying
waiting and dying
to have it end just like that

it was always gonna end
it was horrible to go through
but it was the only thing i knew
now there's no going back

every year was a new set of problems
i really hated my time here
but now that horizon is now so clear
i'm afraid to run into the light

afraid to move on but it's no longer a choice
i wished it was over
now i wish for closure
i will not go quiet into this night

i know you don't like me
and that you think that you're better
and above my existence
and wanna forget we were together
and you think cause i smoke and drink
i'm a *** and a waste
but for all that it is
i ignore all your hate
because i know that you hate me
because of stuff that you did
you miss me don't you
and it makes you wanna *****
i can't absorb all the responsibility
for the issues we have
between us two
i have to have my own back
for once at least
and not let you just trample
over all of my feelings
or make an example
out of me and my willingness to die for you
love twisted and mistaken
i would have taken most anything
to prevent this devastation
but it would have never mattered what i did
or didn't do
i can do my part
but can't rely on you
to do yours
or treat me like a human
i'm **** now
and awful and stupid
at least in your eyes
that's what i've become
i'm flawed but i'm kind
and you're blind and young
just as i had to be to let you in
and how i have to be to let you go
you broke my ******* heart
but i won't let you have my soul

i did it before you
i'll do it without you
you meant something
but now you have to be nothing
i hate it
but its how it has to be
if i ever want to be happy
i know this isn't real
and i'm talking to myself
but now that you're gone
this is what i have to do
to feel just a little okay
and move on little by little each day
one day you will truly
truly be nothing
would you like that?
are you ready for that?

i hope not
(and i hope it stings
is that wrong of me?)

i'm but a speck
i can do nothing
i am nothing
who are you

i'm but a speck
i've done nothing
i feel like nothing
what is it to you

i'm but a speck
i will be nothing
i do nothing
and neither do you

i'm but a speck
and though i say its nothing
it feels like something
you are nothing too

not alone
i'm right here
holding you up by your shoulders

never fear
my love for you is new each day
even as our bond grows older

i love you
for a reason so there is no reason
to let your self-esteem get any lower

gonna take
the time to make you understand that
even if it means going a little slower

than you'd like
but i can wait for you to heal
then you can pull me closer

forgive you once
forget you twice
need better people
in my life
won't listen to
you this time
don't speak stupid
i read signs
i'll follow those
leave you behind
evict you to
cleanse my mind

sensitive to the touch
don't wanna be too much
but man do i feel swallowed

every step pushes back at me
i just wanna be happy
but the issues sure do follow

one day i have to be more
those people can't hurt me anymore
memories are just that

gotta pull the hooks from my skin
the fear has only boxed me in
holding myself back

why is what i'm doing not enough
so much progress but haven't touched
a single dream i had
making myself feel bad

cause i did things
a lot for me
but i'm still so far
and it breaks my heart

how much harder must i fight
when there is no end in sight
if i could have one thing for sure
that's all i ask for

same ****
different day
nothing changes
feeling gray

the presence of a question
doesn't guarantee an answer is out there
they say follow your heart
but i'm so unsure and scared
should i already know what i'm doing
am i just unprepared
i don't know if there are reasons to live
or if i even care
it's just a lot constantly
one thing or another and i feel it when
i'm consistently undervalued
or pushed to the brim
i know ive got patience
but i find it harder and harder to reign in
i know the person i want to be
but i can't even manage to be my own friend

simply put
it's complicated
long story short
i'm too impatient
want the happy ending
but don't wanna write the pages
love the idea of being with you
in reality i actually hate it
time spent daydreaming about you
feels like time that's been wasted
hoped a new chapter would begin
just got tired of waitin'
saw the signs of a scary situation
and immediately evacuated
know better than to pray you'll notice
or bank on you making any changes
this isn't me blaming you
just me saying there's no way to save this
love your smile and will miss your face
but i need to try a new playlist
simply put it's complicated
shuffling through some other faces

uncomfortable in your presence
avoiding the situation
you want to **** us both
into the awkwardness you've created
by forgetting who i am
and lashing out over something dumb
mistook kindness for love
sadly i'm not the one
can not be complacent to your fantasies
i've got my own happiness to be concerned with
aren't you just so pitiful
i want you out of my presence
i'm glad you're walking out of my life
you're pushing me away to prove what exactly?
if you think you'll win by playing games and being petty
you'll always be unhappy
this is why i can't stand you
you're so childish and you don't really care about my feelings
you just wanna use me
so you can feel things

the embarrassment is stiff
and i don't know how to react
the subtlety of it all
enhances the attack
at the speed you were going
couldn't brace for the impact
if you didn't wanna hurt me
why did you go so fast

love to see that nothing has changed
how your actions validate my claims
you said you wouldn't but you did all the same
you're no better from when you begged me to stay

can't trust your intentions because something just doesn't sit right
you seem to want me to revolve around your life
when i was put on this world to worry about mine
how are you able to think any of this is fine

you seem just as unhappy as you were
i hope you find somebody who makes you feel heard
that next time you carefully choose your words
that you think about your choices and the people they hurt

but i also hope you rot in hell for what you did
even if you change you'll never convince
me to regret constructing my fence
i will never be made a fool of again

whats wrong now
whats the deal
what is this panic
i'm starting to feel
where did it come from
when will it stop
can i avoid it
is it impossible to not
watching my breathing
and counting each step
the worst part is
i know its all in my head
feeling the build up
but can't get off this branch
soon it will snap
then i'll avalanche
the tiny issue grows
continues to snowball
then i roll off a cliff
and fall and just fall
falling till i hit
the bottom of hell
it's so exhausting
being myself

scars on top of scars
wounds that just won't heal
it's not broken bones
so it isn't really real
i'm cut up inside
raw from your ugly words
but since you can't see it
it can't really hurt
just gotta move on
stop being a baby
i'm too sensitive
and that's why you hate me
words have always hurt me
so have stones and sticks
only you can see bruises
feelings are harder to fix
internalize the fear
pretend that it's fine
if i pass for stable
they'll let me off this time

frequently alone
only company is my phone
quarantine so everything's closed
parents don't want me to leave the home

miss my friends and normal life
it's more than just being outside
it's human connections and meeting eyes
the hollow feeling gets worse at night

reaching out to figments of my past
the joy of rekindling never lasts
strangers wanna talk but never ask
i'm drowning but no one wants to save my ***

cough up the worst thing you could say
and see how much i care
imagine your personal hell
and dare me to take you there
there used to be feelings
but you shut them down
its hard to "have a heart"
when you cut mine out
blood dripping 
from the gaping hole in my chest
be careful not to slip
on your regrets
because you seem to have come searching 
for belonging
you used to find that with me
before you wronged me
you tossed me aside
when i wasnt easy
you demanded my submission
but never tried to please me
even through that
i stayed loyal
and kept a level head
when my blood began to boil 
but you made your last mistake
and took the last step
the final straw to making sure
i could never forget
and trust me i haven't 
i am still seething 
it is taking all of my will power
to not lunge at where you're seated
and drain the pride from you
like you discarded my purpose
i wonder if you even know what its like
to feel utterly worthless
i could show you
if you want
you seem to want it
with the way you taunt
you abandon me
then return on a whim
to confess that you 
want to be friends
you don't even consider
how i might react
or even thought
that maybe that
i never wanted to see your face again
for as long as i live
what you did
is something tat can not be forgived
i can't be you're friend
or pretend to understand 
you didnt appreciate what i did
so i can't give you who j am
not even in the slightest
because i don't trust you
after you do things like that
you change someone's whole point of view
of you yourself
and even life
so dont pretend
you know what its like
you keep pushing my buttons
to see when i'll crack
but i shed my feelings
when you stabbed me in the back
don't you tempt me
cause i will let you burn
i don't want to but if you dont go
i will show you what it means to hurt

swimming against the tide
i want it to be alright
tired of being denied
just because i am two y's
you act so mean
because of what's in between
i didn't do a thing
born into patriarchy
i am equally logical
thats indeed possible
your imaginary obstacle
seems paradoxical
you are one letter away
from feeling all this pain
though i'd never change
it's burden to bear each day

i'm tired of being
passed on like the flu
pushed away like broccoli
looked past like a warning sign
walked over like dog ****
put down like an animal
locked up like a criminal
cut off like a druggie

no one loves me
but they claim they care
if they really did wouldn't they see

i am falling apart
fragile to the touch
yet they keep on pushing me

closer to the edge
and they think i can take more
so they push farther till i'm at the brink

it's like they know i can't swim
but they are going overboard
and they'll be suprised when i sink

hopeless they say
ask me if i'm okay
the songs i play
make them question my mental state

swear that i'm fine
mean it at the time
but when i go home that night
i finally realize

maybe i do believe in fairytales
and i am waiting for my prince charming
that i wanna be a beauty to a beast
a bunny to a darling

maybe i do believe in true love
that i don't have to die alone
maybe i go about it wrong at times
but i've always sought a shared throne

and maybe that makes me susceptible
and sensitive to rejection
but if i lose that hope now
i'd lose all direction

come around
come lie down
come here (you beg)
come now
in your careful hands
we both know i stand
next to no chance
sink like quicksand

now you put me under
softly to sleep
blissfully unaware
of the sins committed against me

i want you
i still want you
music doesnt help
writing doesnt help
nothing helps
because at night
i get stuck 
in that place between 
wake and sleep
wanting you
and i don't know who you are
i thought it was feasible
but i know better now
i dont like to think about it now
so much pride 
on both sides
running myself down
to exhaustion
so i just sleep through on night
but days spent painfully awake and aware
day dreaming about you
while living the nightmare that is reality

these strangers think they know me
strangers i used to call friends
used to be close but we drifted away
now their closing in on me again

these strangers think they know me
strangers who express their interest
but you cant like me because of my pictures
it takes time to be granted access

these strangers think they know me
strangers with which i share blood
a house is four walls where we cohabit
but that does not equal trust

this stranger thinks she knows me
a stranger i can not escape
the stranger is me
i hope i figure myself out one day

words are unbecoming
i'm restless in my consideration
around every corner lies a brand new issue
my peace pilfered and my worries proliferated

i think about you
i drag about myself
i wonder about them
i weigh out everything else

and in the end it amounts to nothing
i'm alone and no one understands
i account for every inch and note areas of concern
when things never go to plan

i'm dying for something to just make sense
everyday is a game i never win
are you a burden or are you a friend in need
i cant tell anymore and i'm tired of it

i cant do this i cant breathe i cant stand the sight of me i cant listen to what you say i cant feel anything but this pain i cant take it anymore i give up

in your presence
i shutdown
probably unhealthy
but it works for now
keeps me from drowning
in anxiety
you provoke
the fight or flight in me
except i just freeze
ice cold
gone to any world
i know
catatonic
floating away
break from reality
to a safe space
being next to you
scares me to death
since the moment you sat down
i've held my breath

somewhere i'd swear
between freefall and impact
i'm using the opportunity
to find my way back
to the crack that
i crawled out from
detailing the path
to what i've become
using the story
to backtrace my soul
before i lose the powers
of the rabbit hole

I'm strolling, strolling
Strolling, strolling
Turned the other way
Still strolling, strolling
Strolling, strolling
I'm walking in the other direction, because
I don't need to know what you're doing
To close my eyes at night
Don't want to know what girl you're *******
I think I'll get by fine

So I'm strolling, strolling
Strolling, strolling
To get you out my head
I'm strolling, strolling
Strolling, strolling
To show that I know myself
Because I won't chase
After you anymore
We can't lean on each other
Like before

Because I'm strolling, strolling
Strolling, strolling
Into my destiny

so many rigid walls
blocking my way
too many unhealthy thoughts
clogging my brain
all of these people
telling me it's too late
nobody understands
the extent of my pain
they all say it gets better
and that i'll be okay
they tell me to hold on
like i haven't tried
keep telling me to breathe
as they close in on all sides
tell me to come out of the darkness
as they burn me with their lights
keep telling telling telling
but i don't want their advice
but i'm stuck and i'm lost
and so ******* confused
so wrapped up in my feelings
i could never fathom what to do
about all of these problems
that somehow all lead back to you
it was not a what that was hurting me
but it took too long to figure out who
i blamed homework and school
i blamed work and sleep
i blamed existence and life
i blamed everything
but i never blamed you
eventually i even blamed me
never thought that you would hurt me
but i guess that i'm still learning

panic like quicksand
sink before i even know
to fight whats happening to me
to fight for my soul
i'm not even myself anymore
too overstimulated
to feel the whips that crack on my skin
can't hold my concentration
i'm just so sad
outside of myself right now
the more i try to hold it all in
the more it starts bleeding out
i'm just too many things at once
and i just wanna be okay
i wanna go back and fix it somehow
but i know there just isn't a way

fornication
prison of life we can't escape it
but if i have to suffer
i'll suffer with you
love the way you take
the dreariness out of this room