hermit without a shell
finally being myself
finally trusted somebody else
finally reached out for some help

out from the shelter i know
the safety of my home
vulnerable and prone to plateau
trying to not be alone

but as soon as i let down my shields
crushing disappointment is all i feel
started to think i could maybe make this real
but you proved me wrong when you crushed me beneath your heel

what are you doing
why are you so close
why did you come this way

we are not friends
got nothing in common
and i dislike you to your face

stop being so kind
its out of character
and puts me on edge

smile glitches and it shows
the underlying jealousy
can't trust what you suggest

fire rains down on my soul
burning through my clothes
naked on the pedestal

the judges never blink just stare
is it obvious i'm scared
the room reeks of singed hair

woke up in this blinding light
darkness surrounds me on all sides
they stare at me with their many eyes

is this the end
it's like they see through my skin
and gauge the weight of every sin

music so loud
my ears beg for mercy
look at the clock
seven minutes till 12:30
bored and isolated
but at least no one can hurt me
if it keeps going on like this
think i might leave early
all of a sudden these people that want my time
and they're not in a hurry
but i'm tired and i want to go home
but i don't think they heard me
i guess i'll shut down now
better to be numb than let myself worry
let the girls gossip in my ear
and the guys take my kindness as flirting
keep it to a minimum
i know they don't like it too wordy
but god knows i can't do this anymore
none these people deserve me
trying to focus their moving lips
but the tears have made my vision blurry
but i'll blink them away for now
but that makes me feel so *****
lying not only to them but also myself
maybe of these people i am not worthy

of course you have options
but i wanna be your preference
i'll do anything
i already said this
i'm falling on myself
to fall in love with you sir
but the dread is creeping in
that there isn't a future

for us

every second spent alone
is one filled with tears
a blubbering mess
when nobody's here
close the door when you leave
i don't want you to hear
i wish i could snap my fingers
and just disappear
and truly its that easy
just the slip of a blade
could take all this
hurt away
in a blink
i'd be free of my pain
but i know that
that is not the way

carrying this wait on my shoulders
need a break from this break
trying to respect your choice and your space
like it's not taking all the patience in me
to not see the distance as an enemy

it feels wrong
to say your name out loud
because why would you not be here
if you still exist

it feels wrong
scared to be the the last one at the party
but everyone went home and it's getting weird now
i gotta get over this

but i'm still crying on my way to work
and mentally feeling for you in the dark
or specifically the way you made my happiness real
and it seem possible not to starve

like the first fire in existence
first came curiosity followed by trials of trust
cold then warm and safe then charred
what you love just eats you right up

and it's so much harder to put the drink down
when the bottle is staring at you
i want to forget about it all most days
but that is not a can-do attitude

it feels wrong
but i have to do it anyway
the quietest part of me wants you back
but the rest does what its supposed to do

it feels wrong
to feel but no longer know
you're like a shape behind the curtains
and i'm avoiding that half of the room

but i spend every breathing moment
imagining it's contents almost believing
that the other side's still warm
that you're just outside the door

but that sounds wrong
i was just leaving actually
what was the problem
what was this for

something has changed
since yesterday
from polar opposites
to something in the middle
something gray
something scary
something strange
something stimulating
something inflamed
where i ache
to pull you closer
but my gut tells me
to run away
where your touch
burns me up
but still leaves me
drained
where i want to
tell the truth
but there is nothing
to say
cause nothing has
really changed
but it is definitely
not the same
one second
you'll hurt me
and cause all of
this pain
then you'll
draw me in
and i fumble
in your embrace
my heart, my thoughts
my mind, my brain
since yesterday
something has changed

you don't dream
i wished them sweet
at the very least
get yourself some sleep
you know that you need it
and the timing is convenient
it's okay to show some weakness
when no one's awake to see it
so close your tired eyes
and succumb to the night
in the lonely bed you lie
one day things will be alright

not as fancy
nor as kind
a different breed
of another time
painful to watch
opposite of them
don't stand out
but don't fit in
my words aren't jazzed up
but they're all that i got
pouring myself into this obsession
hoping it's not all for naught

you spend so long
hoping and crying
waiting and dying
to have it end just like that

it was always gonna end
it was horrible to go through
but it was the only thing i knew
now there's no going back

every year was a new set of problems
i really hated my time here
but now that horizon is now so clear
i'm afraid to run into the light

afraid to move on but it's no longer a choice
i wished it was over
now i wish for closure
i will not go quiet into this night

i know you don't like me
and that you think that you're better
and above my existence
and wanna forget we were together
and you think cause i smoke and drink
i'm a *** and a waste
but for all that it is
i ignore all your hate
because i know that you hate me
because of stuff that you did
you miss me don't you
and it makes you wanna *****
i can't absorb all the responsibility
for the issues we have
between us two
i have to have my own back
for once at least
and not let you just trample
over all of my feelings
or make an example
out of me and my willingness to die for you
love twisted and mistaken
i would have taken most anything
to prevent this devastation
but it would have never mattered what i did
or didn't do
i can do my part
but can't rely on you
to do yours
or treat me like a human
i'm **** now
and awful and stupid
at least in your eyes
that's what i've become
i'm flawed but i'm kind
and you're blind and young
just as i had to be to let you in
and how i have to be to let you go
you broke my ******* heart
but i won't let you have my soul

i did it before you
i'll do it without you
you meant something
but now you have to be nothing
i hate it
but its how it has to be
if i ever want to be happy
i know this isn't real
and i'm talking to myself
but now that you're gone
this is what i have to do
to feel just a little okay
and move on little by little each day
one day you will truly
truly be nothing
would you like that?
are you ready for that?

i hope not
(and i hope it stings
is that wrong of me?)

i'm but a speck
i can do nothing
i am nothing
who are you

i'm but a speck
i've done nothing
i feel like nothing
what is it to you

i'm but a speck
i will be nothing
i do nothing
and neither do you

i'm but a speck
and though i say its nothing
it feels like something
you are nothing too

not alone
i'm right here
holding you up by your shoulders

never fear
my love for you is new each day
even as our bond grows older

i love you
for a reason so there is no reason
to let your self-esteem get any lower

gonna take
the time to make you understand that
even if it means going a little slower

than you'd like
but i can wait for you to heal
then you can pull me closer

forgive you once
forget you twice
need better people
in my life
won't listen to
you this time
don't speak stupid
i read signs
i'll follow those
leave you behind
evict you to
cleanse my mind

sensitive to the touch
don't wanna be too much
but man do i feel swallowed

every step pushes back at me
i just wanna be happy
but the issues sure do follow

one day i have to be more
those people can't hurt me anymore
memories are just that

gotta pull the hooks from my skin
the fear has only boxed me in
holding myself back

why is what i'm doing not enough
so much progress but haven't touched
a single dream i had
making myself feel bad

cause i did things
a lot for me
but i'm still so far
and it breaks my heart

how much harder must i fight
when there is no end in sight
if i could have one thing for sure
that's all i ask for

same ****
different day
nothing changes
feeling gray

the presence of a question
doesn't guarantee an answer is out there
they say follow your heart
but i'm so unsure and scared
should i already know what i'm doing
am i just unprepared
i don't know if there are reasons to live
or if i even care
it's just a lot constantly
one thing or another and i feel it when
i'm consistently undervalued
or pushed to the brim
i know ive got patience
but i find it harder and harder to reign in
i know the person i want to be
but i can't even manage to be my own friend

simply put
it's complicated
long story short
i'm too impatient
want the happy ending
but don't wanna write the pages
love the idea of being with you
in reality i actually hate it
time spent daydreaming about you
feels like time that's been wasted
hoped a new chapter would begin
just got tired of waitin'
saw the signs of a scary situation
and immediately evacuated
know better than to pray you'll notice
or bank on you making any changes
this isn't me blaming you
just me saying there's no way to save this
love your smile and will miss your face
but i need to try a new playlist
simply put it's complicated
shuffling through some other faces

uncomfortable in your presence
avoiding the situation
you want to **** us both
into the awkwardness you've created
by forgetting who i am
and lashing out over something dumb
mistook kindness for love
sadly i'm not the one
can not be complacent to your fantasies
i've got my own happiness to be concerned with
aren't you just so pitiful
i want you out of my presence
i'm glad you're walking out of my life
you're pushing me away to prove what exactly?
if you think you'll win by playing games and being petty
you'll always be unhappy
this is why i can't stand you
you're so childish and you don't really care about my feelings
you just wanna use me
so you can feel things

the embarrassment is stiff
and i don't know how to react
the subtlety of it all
enhances the attack
at the speed you were going
couldn't brace for the impact
if you didn't wanna hurt me
why did you go so fast

love to see that nothing has changed
how your actions validate my claims
you said you wouldn't but you did all the same
you're no better from when you begged me to stay

can't trust your intentions because something just doesn't sit right
you seem to want me to revolve around your life
when i was put on this world to worry about mine
how are you able to think any of this is fine

you seem just as unhappy as you were
i hope you find somebody who makes you feel heard
that next time you carefully choose your words
that you think about your choices and the people they hurt

but i also hope you rot in hell for what you did
even if you change you'll never convince
me to regret constructing my fence
i will never be made a fool of again

whats wrong now
whats the deal
what is this panic
i'm starting to feel
where did it come from
when will it stop
can i avoid it
is it impossible to not
watching my breathing
and counting each step
the worst part is
i know its all in my head
feeling the build up
but can't get off this branch
soon it will snap
then i'll avalanche
the tiny issue grows
continues to snowball
then i roll off a cliff
and fall and just fall
falling till i hit
the bottom of hell
it's so exhausting
being myself

scars on top of scars
wounds that just won't heal
it's not broken bones
so it isn't really real
i'm cut up inside
raw from your ugly words
but since you can't see it
it can't really hurt
just gotta move on
stop being a baby
i'm too sensitive
and that's why you hate me
words have always hurt me
so have stones and sticks
only you can see bruises
feelings are harder to fix
internalize the fear
pretend that it's fine
if i pass for stable
they'll let me off this time