can't fit a circle in a square
don't lie i know you werent there
don't feel obligated to care
or console me when i'm scared

i really wanted us to work
not gonna lie it kinda hurts
watching everyone else get put first
being second feels the worst

but you never wanted to be
intimate or close to me
i was dying for company
you just wanted something from me

now that you've got it i'm excess
want to be rid of my mess
wipe your hands off on my dress
then offer your hand to the next

accusations burn in your brain
and sizzle on your tongue
you have issues that won't go away
quite big they have become
should watch who you blame
and come to terms with what you've done
telling the truth isn't the same
as only sharing what you want

oh the ways I could love you
if only you knew
the lies we tell ourselves
just keep us from the truth
"she wouldn't go
for a guy like me"
"he probably thinks
i'm annoying"
"she's a kind of beauty
beyond words"
"i want to touch him
so much it hurts"
but for all this thinking
nothing is said
we dodge the bullet
and choose silence instead
thinking why even say
those things out loud? 
not wanting to look like a fool
for reaching out
self fulfilling prophecies
that is what we are
more likely to ignore our instincts 
than listen to our heart

i can't apologize
for loving you
but i can walk away

too bad i'm selfish
and i need you so badly
that its driving me insane

forgive me for staying
i know it doesn't make you happy
seeing me cause myself pain

i hope you know that i know
it's not your fault
i'm the only one to blame

nothing to do
but hate myself
for the things i didn't do

can't believe
i ever let myself
temporarily forget you

now that you're gone
i'm helpless
no take backs or start overs

trying to forgive myself
but there will never be
any closure

everything's crooked
i tried to be myself
at first it was oh no
now its more oh well
i tried to hold the line
and it left my palms raw
i tried to make it right
but it was beyond repair all along

i turn away
because i don't want to be seen
i tried to have friends
i tried to stay clean
i tried to make amends
i tried to ignore the call
but its coming from inside the house
i wish it'd all just stop

i turn into myself
cause all i know is that
i've never felt your love
and i cannot have you back
i'm never what you want
surely never what you need
i tried and in the end
it's simply because i'm me

i don't want to be here anymore
i don't want to have these thoughts
i'm sitting in my car before work
shepherded by the clock
go here go there do this do that
i try to feel better
but i cant go home because i don't have one
just as useless as ever

first full moon of the year
not enough light to see clear
but there's not much of need
to see beyond the trees
when you know nothing good lies beyond them

in my sanctuary of leaves
no one searches for me
i'd be upset but they never cared
the peace of being absolutely nowhere
caring for lost friends without a need to stalk them

mesmerizing to watch
but distance is truly the best
she'll captivate you with her emerald eyes
till she slithers around your neck
and even if her patterns exotic
make no mistake
don't confuse a necklace
with a hungry snake

loose fitting clothing
to hide from the world
built like a woman
but only a girl

they want her body
but she doesn't understand
never even kissed a boy
much less looked at a man

everywhere she goes
they touch and they grab
uptight if she covers up
a ***** when she makes them mad

she is afraid to walk to work
because their calls follow her home
she sure does have a pretty mouth
she's scared to be alone

what did she ever do
to make them want her so bad
she feels so ugly and nasty and disgusting
but most of all she feels sad

but sometimes she forgets
and she somehow feels pretty
dresses all up
and goes out into the city

but sometimes she forgets
and goes on her way
and by the time she remembers
the price will be paid

slow dancing to music you can't hear
stumbling in the middle of the street
everyone sees the car coming
yet there is no warning, not a peep
maybe they didn't want to interrupt me
when i'd finally found some peace
perhaps they just decided
they were done saving me

already confused all the time
and your confession isn't helping
i'm staring in the mirror
it's taking all my will to keep from melting
into the mold i despise
spilling over and ruining photos
developing to the role
your own quasimodo

same throbbing pain
for three **** days
like you magic bulleted my brain
and then poured it out my face
scrunched up to here
imaginary blood flowing out my ears
no one can see what they don't want to hear
every sound is like a spear
through my skull and through the skin
i can make it through again
it is almost too intense
but i'll have to make it through for them

who can i depend on
when i'm in a time of need
when everything is sore and torn
on whom should i lean
i create these bridges hoping that
i can cross them when there's a flood
but everytime i start to drown
i'm left to clean up my own blood

are you jealous?
are you angry?
are you spiteful?

what must i do
to be done
with this cycle?

apologize?
bow down?
be what you claim?

stoop down
to your level?
engage in your game?

you already
got what you wanted,
what else could there be?

what is it that
you want from
me?

i'm tired
of being
your object of aversion.

what did i do
to deserve this
particular incursion?

think i'm finally
sick of being
your go-to victim.

held my tongue
for a while
now i'm expanding the schism.

how much longer
you can't expect me to be stronger
my arms are getting tired
and i'm intimidated by all these liars
my legs are shaking beneath the weight
can't focus can't think can't concentrate
stop telling me to get over it already
i'm barely holding on and i'm surprised i've stayed steady
don't tell me to push it off
i did that before but the nightmares didn't stop
i need you to listen for once in your life
stop trying to tell how to cope with this right
i've hurt so much that i no longer feel pain
just stuck in anxiety and guess i'm gonna have to wait

always just to the side
never on the main 
taught me that i wasn't good enough
to be loved the same
because im not a keeper
im just some fun
not "wifey" material
could never be "the one"
always just a side
never really front and center
you avoiding the question
so you can still be with her
but how do you want us both
at the same time
you dont but you're selfish
and you take and you lie
you promise her the world
and promise me a good night 
i can only imgaine how it would feel
but i've kept my feelings to the side

no concept of the future
live for the
here and now
imagine what could've been
but you can't change the past
so just let it out

i was hurt too
but i managed to hide it
never spoke a word on it
always quiet
being the victim
bet you liked it
shook my head in disgust
but remained silent
i don't need to harbor hate
or wish for the worst
nor go out of my way
to see you hurt
i'll do better for myself
by putting me first
soon enough you'll be buried
by your own words

the way i feel is undeniable
i hid it nonetheless
from the way i stand a little straighter
to how my heart starts to pound in my chest
at the sight of you i explode
into a world of color and life
everything i touch sparkles
like the reflection of you in my eyes
can't wait to let you know
but i'm afraid to tell you so
for now i'll just keep it on the low
and just bask in your glow

a collective apology
to all i have hurt
by dropping the act
and brandishing my words

barely breathing
they tell me to stop screaming
am i thinking out loud

don't trust what i'm seeing
terrified with all of my being
to ever let it out

reel it back in
before my song traps them
a siren is cursed to be alone

i knew it would happen
just never fathomed
the way the sadness would leaden my bones

making it harder to leave
each time they trust me
though i know very well

i'm not what they need
with my deadly melodies
i just hate to be by myself

dread spilling over the edge
of this cheap wooden table
pooling on the floor

i know better than to speak
but you won't leave me be
you continue to implore

you don't respect my energy
you don't even see
the ways i struggle

just believe i'm up to no good
only here to disappoint
just asking for trouble

bitter at thought
of seeing you
trying to come up
with any excuse
to avoid you
and your crew
but we walk the same halls
we like the same dude
it's hard to
successfully ghost
distancing myself
the absolute most
but fate sure likes
to keep us close
i hate this more
than you'll ever know
standing beside you
is like swimming in fire
every nerve is shot
circumstance is dire
can't stand being in
the proximity of a liar
conversation could not
be any drier
don't know why you think
you can say hi to me
we're less than strangers
you're the enemy
will not partake
in your company
stay as far as possible
pretty please

what happened to naming your first kid after me
and the cow themed kitchen of our dreams
can you explain why any of this is happening
because it never made much sense to me

i want to be mad and i have many reasons to feel jaded
but i know holding grudges serves no purpose
logic writes off every course of frustration
acting out of emotion would be a disservice

but i can't do anything right
except for walk the other way
i do it with a pain in my chest
but i did everything right at the end of the day

and all of your shortcomings
and betrayals and cruelty
one they they'll be nothing
but old ******* news to me
today it hurts
but i gotta breathe and find truth in peace
not dedicate my life and death to punishing you
for being selfish and marooning me

because one day i won't cry for you
and all of the things you wouldn't do
when fidelity fell short
the times i waited for you to never come through
in contrast with the blood that i poured
on the altar built just for you
it'll be in ruins in due time
til then i just have to make do

and i'll make do
till i'm doing well
and you'll make wrong turns
till you've confused yourself
which is none of my concern
not since the day you abjured
at least i've gained perspective
from the wrath that i've endured
and maybe one day you might change
but that's not for sure

and i'm not rewriting history
by letting new information alter my position
it's okay to be wrong
and even better to make informed decisions
praying i'll never learn this lesson again
knowing my part in how this ended
i won't ever walk on water
but my life will be more than chosen affliction
i loved you
but you're not welcome not even when you are forgiven

careful with your words
opening a can of worms

easy does it champ
you already had you chance

to justify your actions
free from all distractions

you made your mistake twice
i won't repeat mine

you don't deserve my kindness
when you've already abused my blindness