who can i depend on
when i'm in a time of need
when everything is sore and torn
on whom should i lean
i create these bridges hoping that
i can cross them when there's a flood
but everytime i start to drown
i'm left to clean up my own blood

are you jealous?
are you angry?
are you spiteful?

what must i do
to be done
with this cycle?

apologize?
bow down?
be what you claim?

stoop down
to your level?
engage in your game?

you already
got what you wanted,
what else could there be?

what is it that
you want from
me?

i'm tired
of being
your object of aversion.

what did i do
to deserve this
particular incursion?

think i'm finally
sick of being
your go-to victim.

held my tongue
for a while
now i'm expanding the schism.

how much longer
you can't expect me to be stronger
my arms are getting tired
and i'm intimidated by all these liars
my legs are shaking beneath the weight
can't focus can't think can't concentrate
stop telling me to get over it already
i'm barely holding on and i'm surprised i've stayed steady
don't tell me to push it off
i did that before but the nightmares didn't stop
i need you to listen for once in your life
stop trying to tell how to cope with this right
i've hurt so much that i no longer feel pain
just stuck in anxiety and guess i'm gonna have to wait

always just to the side
never on the main 
taught me that i wasn't good enough
to be loved the same
because im not a keeper
im just some fun
not "wifey" material
could never be "the one"
always just a side
never really front and center
you avoiding the question
so you can still be with her
but how do you want us both
at the same time
you dont but you're selfish
and you take and you lie
you promise her the world
and promise me a good night 
i can only imgaine how it would feel
but i've kept my feelings to the side

no concept of the future
live for the
here and now
imagine what could've been
but you can't change the past
so just let it out

i was hurt too
but i managed to hide it
never spoke a word on it
always quiet
being the victim
bet you liked it
shook my head in disgust
but remained silent
i don't need to harbor hate
or wish for the worst
nor go out of my way
to see you hurt
i'll do better for myself
by putting me first
soon enough you'll be buried
by your own words

the way i feel is undeniable
i hid it nonetheless
from the way i stand a little straighter
to how my heart starts to pound in my chest
at the sight of you i explode
into a world of color and life
everything i touch sparkles
like the reflection of you in my eyes
can't wait to let you know
but i'm afraid to tell you so
for now i'll just keep it on the low
and just bask in your glow

a collective apology
to all i have hurt
by dropping the act
and brandishing my words

barely breathing
they tell me to stop screaming
am i thinking out loud

don't trust what i'm seeing
terrified with all of my being
to ever let it out

reel it back in
before my song traps them
a siren is cursed to be alone

i knew it would happen
just never fathomed
the way the sadness would leaden my bones

making it harder to leave
each time they trust me
though i know very well

i'm not what they need
with my deadly melodies
i just hate to be by myself

dread spilling over the edge
of this cheap wooden table
pooling on the floor

i know better than to speak
but you won't leave me be
you continue to implore

you don't respect my energy
you don't even see
the ways i struggle

just believe i'm up to no good
only here to disappoint
just asking for trouble

bitter at thought
of seeing you
trying to come up
with any excuse
to avoid you
and your crew
but we walk the same halls
we like the same dude
it's hard to
successfully ghost
distancing myself
the absolute most
but fate sure likes
to keep us close
i hate this more
than you'll ever know
standing beside you
is like swimming in fire
every nerve is shot
circumstance is dire
can't stand being in
the proximity of a liar
conversation could not
be any drier
don't know why you think
you can say hi to me
we're less than strangers
you're the enemy
will not partake
in your company
stay as far as possible
pretty please

what happened to naming your first kid after me
and the cow themed kitchen of our dreams
can you explain why any of this is happening
because it never made much sense to me

i want to be mad and i have many reasons to feel jaded
but i know holding grudges serves no purpose
logic writes off every course of frustration
acting out of emotion would be a disservice

but i can't do anything right
except for walk the other way
i do it with a pain in my chest
but i did everything right at the end of the day

and all of your shortcomings
and betrayals and cruelty
one they they'll be nothing
but old ******* news to me
today it hurts
but i gotta breathe and find truth in peace
not dedicate my life and death to punishing you
for being selfish and marooning me

because one day i won't cry for you
and all of the things you wouldn't do
when fidelity fell short
the times i waited for you to never come through
in contrast with the blood that i poured
on the altar built just for you
it'll be in ruins in due time
til then i just have to make do

and i'll make do
till i'm doing well
and you'll make wrong turns
till you've confused yourself
which is none of my concern
not since the day you abjured
at least i've gained perspective
from the wrath that i've endured
and maybe one day you might change
but that's not for sure

and i'm not rewriting history
by letting new information alter my position
it's okay to be wrong
and even better to make informed decisions
praying i'll never learn this lesson again
knowing my part in how this ended
i won't ever walk on water
but my life will be more than chosen affliction
i loved you
but you're not welcome not even when you are forgiven

careful with your words
opening a can of worms

easy does it champ
you already had you chance

to justify your actions
free from all distractions

you made your mistake twice
i won't repeat mine

you don't deserve my kindness
when you've already abused my blindness

hermit without a shell
finally being myself
finally trusted somebody else
finally reached out for some help

out from the shelter i know
the safety of my home
vulnerable and prone to plateau
trying to not be alone

but as soon as i let down my shields
crushing disappointment is all i feel
started to think i could maybe make this real
but you proved me wrong when you crushed me beneath your heel

what are you doing
why are you so close
why did you come this way

we are not friends
got nothing in common
and i dislike you to your face

stop being so kind
its out of character
and puts me on edge

smile glitches and it shows
the underlying jealousy
can't trust what you suggest

fire rains down on my soul
burning through my clothes
naked on the pedestal

the judges never blink just stare
is it obvious i'm scared
the room reeks of singed hair

woke up in this blinding light
darkness surrounds me on all sides
they stare at me with their many eyes

is this the end
it's like they see through my skin
and gauge the weight of every sin

music so loud
my ears beg for mercy
look at the clock
seven minutes till 12:30
bored and isolated
but at least no one can hurt me
if it keeps going on like this
think i might leave early
all of a sudden these people that want my time
and they're not in a hurry
but i'm tired and i want to go home
but i don't think they heard me
i guess i'll shut down now
better to be numb than let myself worry
let the girls gossip in my ear
and the guys take my kindness as flirting
keep it to a minimum
i know they don't like it too wordy
but god knows i can't do this anymore
none these people deserve me
trying to focus their moving lips
but the tears have made my vision blurry
but i'll blink them away for now
but that makes me feel so *****
lying not only to them but also myself
maybe of these people i am not worthy

of course you have options
but i wanna be your preference
i'll do anything
i already said this
i'm falling on myself
to fall in love with you sir
but the dread is creeping in
that there isn't a future

for us

every second spent alone
is one filled with tears
a blubbering mess
when nobody's here
close the door when you leave
i don't want you to hear
i wish i could snap my fingers
and just disappear
and truly its that easy
just the slip of a blade
could take all this
hurt away
in a blink
i'd be free of my pain
but i know that
that is not the way

carrying this wait on my shoulders
need a break from this break
trying to respect your choice and your space
like it's not taking all the patience in me
to not see the distance as an enemy

something has changed
since yesterday
from polar opposites
to something in the middle
something gray
something scary
something strange
something stimulating
something inflamed
where i ache
to pull you closer
but my gut tells me
to run away
where your touch
burns me up
but still leaves me
drained
where i want to
tell the truth
but there is nothing
to say
cause nothing has
really changed
but it is definitely
not the same
one second
you'll hurt me
and cause all of
this pain
then you'll
draw me in
and i fumble
in your embrace
my heart, my thoughts
my mind, my brain
since yesterday
something has changed

you don't dream
i wished them sweet
at the very least
get yourself some sleep
you know that you need it
and the timing is convenient
it's okay to show some weakness
when no one's awake to see it
so close your tired eyes
and succumb to the night
in the lonely bed you lie
one day things will be alright

not as fancy
nor as kind
a different breed
of another time
painful to watch
opposite of them
don't stand out
but don't fit in
my words aren't jazzed up
but they're all that i got
pouring myself into this obsession
hoping it's not all for naught