praying to a god
i'm not sure exists
asking for the answers
to the questions that persist
because i know what it means
to feel like i cant be fixed
like regardless of how hard i try
something's amiss
what did i do to
deserve all of this
i know that i am strong
but i am tired of proving it

when there were songs to sing
and friends to keep
names to carve into trees
knees to scratch on concrete
and life was an obsession of silly things
when i knew what mattered to me
before i was wary in every condition
and stocked up on mental ammunition
questioning everyone's intentions
swallowed whole by my suspicions
can't be calm for more than a minute
so little time there's no way to spend it

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time keeps passing
i look back
and i'm like wow
i got this far
but in that moment
this moment
felt so far away
but now i am here
dreaming of the future
of the moment
that will turn
this moment
into that moment
and i can barely breathe


                                                       ­                                                          i'm
                                                                ­                                           almost
                                                                ­                                              there

mutually assured destruction
we fail to listen or can't follow instructions
here we are just going through functions
do we hate our guts because we trust them
do we miss the jokes because we loved them
or are we just aching for somethin'
to laugh at instead of pretending it's nothin'
do we miss each other or do we miss the disruption
the silence is an impassable obstruction
saying something hoping to be interrupted
because when we fight at least its a discussion
otherwise we twist our thumbs and
wait for the other to draw assumptions

i don't mean to disappoint you
i can only try my best
what use it for me to pour out my soul
when you focus on the flaws of my flesh
what can i say
what should i do
how do i impress
when will what i give be enough
when will i deserve a rest
i'm so tired
but i can't sleep
a toxic cocktail of anxiety and stress
trying to show all of these people i how much i care
but they don't care that i'm a mess
the pick me apart from the way i think
to how i'm forced to dress
i've studied all of their actions to get it right
but i still don't pass the test
sometimes it feels like
i'm the only sane person left
or maybe i'm the one that's crazy
maybe that's why i don't have friends
maybe the reason they are scared like me
is cause they don't hear the things the demon just said
no one else has to deal
with monsters
like the ones inside my head
just reminding me of all the the things
i messed up
and will mess up soon instead
criticizing myself for not being more like them
all of the voices of those who don't believe me merge
telling me how we'd all be better off if i was dead

asked if i'm okay
i wish i knew
the answer to that question
i'm just swimming in ocean
of nothing
but raw and devouring emotion

drowning in thought
i push against the tide
but it draws me in
against my will
my lack of sense of self
the weight that secures the ****

no anchor to latch onto
or home to run towards
drifting further away
floating out to sea
might be that last time
someone ever sees me

so i'll let the current **** me in
no use in fighting
myself
i'm too tired to make a point
it's easier to let go
and once again disappoint

they all want something from me
i'll never be someone anyone needs
you think you know what you want
you can really think you know someone
you really don't wanna be with me
i already know where this leads
i dont need anymore reasons to bleed
i'm fine with being lost at sea
you'll live without my company
you don't wanna be with me

i assure you

can't do more than
i already am
what about that
can you not understand
i'm pushing so hard
i'm afraid i'll just break
and if i get broken
i'll just get replaced

a beautiful flower
is meant to be picked
not picked on

a good story
is meant to be heard
not to be hidden

a beautiful girl
is meant to be loved
​not to be broken

i can be fine with being open to the possibility
but refused to be tortured by the probability
of whether you're gonna love me back or not

grown comfortable enough with my own fragility
practiced patience to form some sort of independent stability
built a wall around my thoughts

just thinking about you makes me a little crazy
being close to you is almost too much
i become a helpless mess
at the end of your touch
but love the way i melt
the way you smooth me out
one kiss on the tippy top of my forehead
to help calm me down

april to june
gone so soon
conversations
into the a.m.
vanished like smoke
the last time we spoke
i realized that we
lost our chemistry
maybe it was about time
or you found a better mind
i shared so much
thought that was enough

but sometimes people just want more

i tried to hold it in
but tears just started falling out of my eyes
i swear i was fine

then i thought about one thing
and then another and another
till they began to smother

i just couldn't breathe
i was feeling true terror and it showed
but you'll never know

how it feels
when all you want to be is okay
but all you feel is pain

i feel so ugly
making a mountain out of a mole hill
against my own will

don't be shy
i want it all
oh just lean over and bless me with a kiss

perfect i swear
i'm praying
that i'll be able to know those lips

satan was his favorite angel
and he still let him fall
don't wanna assume the worst for you
but something about this feels wrong
why wouldn't you hurt me is a question
i hate to ask but i hear in the back of my mind
everytime you linger just a bit longer
and try to stare into my eyes
so what if you want more
if you don't want it all
don't wanna invest the last of my trust
if you're gonna just drop the ball
this is a lot for me and a lot to me
sorting through emotions
definitions and technicalities
seem like such commotion
why can't we just try to give the other
what they ask without thinking too much
but expecting you to be as thoughtful as me
is asking too much

i just wanna make you feel good
what are you trying to do to me

being angry did nothing
but show you i still cared
hate is not the opposite of love
because the passion is still there

this isn't really livin'
spiraling out of existence
tryna hold on to whatever could be strong enough
to keep me still for a minute
tired of the tornado
of being tossed around and being unable
to do anything about it because my
life feels out of my control
i don't even notice my descent
till i'm forced upon their normal lives and friends
makes me realize that i've missed so much
and i'm not sure i'll trust anyone ever again
terrified of dying alone because i'm just too damaged
they don't even realize their advantage
if their world comes crashing down
some will be there to handle the wreckage
if i die in my storm i'm lost to this earth
buried in rubbage and choking on words
tears stinging as i accept my fate
once again my everything hurts

the ghost of who you used to be
follows me everyday
it reminds of better times and
i don't know what to say
we no longer talk since
we both went our separate ways
it just ***** to see you've become
everything you used to hate

now that is something real
i can feel it between my teeth
biting into the forbidden fruit
is almost painfully sweet
the release is nice
having facts is priceless
thank you for the gift
i'll refocus my kindness

the difference between guessing and knowing is that knowing hurts worse
to become the person i am meant to be
i need to come to terms
with all the open ended conversations
and dragged out fights
i need to settle all the debts
and accept that you're right
you never meant to hurt me
and while that doesnt change that you did
it makes it easier to be okay in the present
and not stuck in the past and haunted
you and me are gonna go places
and maybe not together
people grow apart
but deep down in my heart i will love you forever
you were my first love and heartbreak
i was not the first person you though of in the morning
i dreamt of you every single night
while you thought i was a little more than boring
it hurt to not have you then
but now we are both better off
you are the best lesson
i really did not want to be taught

don't need to say what's been said
or shoot to **** something that's been dead
for awhile and we both know it

i took a shot and you made a bet
made me regret the little care i had left
spoiled my special moment

this was suppose to be my time to rise
finally have intent in my stride
but you saw opportunity in my pride
you ruined me in my prime

as the clock strikes the hour
dizzy on the power
you bid yourself adieu and take off

it's unfair but what can i do
too late to challenge you
just wait till you get caught

not afraid to meet my maker
was no saint but never wavered
as despicable as your behavior
evils just in your nature

are we in love? are you? am i?
as charles once said, "for whatever love means"
as sincere as you may think you are,
it just means something different to me.

i stare into the mirror
analyzing the view i have of myself
i'm not too bad so someone could love me
but there is nobody else
i'm tired of being lonely
i need a person to be mine
but they don't want me and as i stare
into the mirror i can see why

pinky promise
swear to die
keep your word
and i'll keep mine

normally i'm the type
to just stick it through
but i'm beginning to doubt
if i can keep it up for you

i'd try a little harder
but that's just so much effort
just a little too reluctant
to put two and two together

i do what i can and
say that i don't mind
but you've forgotten me
for the very last time

opening old wounds
risks infection
let the dead die
stop with the dissection
i don't want an autopsy
don't want a resurrection
we were fine where we were
stop finding things to mess with

find your own peace
without disturbing me
i'm too tired to be
who you need
regardless
i wouldn't wanna be
only in your most
selfish dreams

i never wanted to fight
it never makes a difference
it never fixed my problems
i never bought into existence

but then we met
and for while there i thought i saw a reason
or felt purpose or sensed a future
yet never came to that season

and now you're fading
faster than i can delude myself
into fighting for what's left
or asking for your help

i never wanted to fight
and i don't think we can change what's coming
i love you and i wanted it to work
but sometimes all you've done is just for nothing

we lost