i'm nervous
that i've broken
from this reality
unsure of
when it'll all
hit me
haven't
really grasped
the gravity
of the meltdown
that i'm
having

can't be no one else no
can't trust myself though
can't love a situation
or fix everything broke
still try to anyway
keeps following me home
could never love me back
yeah i already know

locking the back door
left open the window
if you notice, it's on accident
otherwise it won't close
wanting it to end
but wanting to be chose
knowing it's all for *****
passing deathly serious notes

i'm a vision in the night
she's real between you're fingers
sure a taste would be nice but you're starving for love
and it'd be too much to ask you to leave her
so i'll come while you dream
and save you some time
we both know that you want me
its just the circumstances just aren't right
so you pretend that its me
as she takes you down
necessity trumps preference 
you just **** her because she's around

i'm crying
you're laughing
i know i should be better

but no one
is helping me
put myself back together

calling out
reaching even
but to this pain i am tethered

can't leave
can't break away
we both know i'm not that clever

but maybe
i'm the one who
has figured it all out
much to your displeasure

down to my soul
sick to my stomach
pushed you away
but know i still want it
the attention, the camaraderie
the moments to the side
now that it's over
it seems like time just flew by
but i know in the moment
it felt like forever
now it's like i'm living in a world
where we can't even coexist together

we are not friends anymore
we can't get along
someone has to be right
and i'm definitely not in the wrong
you seem to be surprised
that i've finally moved on
just because i don't give up easily
doesn't mean i'm afraid to see you gone

it's that raise in pitch
when you say my name
i wait for you to see me
but you can't look straight
all your excuses
start to sound the same

a little detail
reveals a big lie
a little change
that bothers my eyes
i know you too well
i am still suprised

it's in the way you speak so freely
then retreat into your mind
the harder your you try
the easier it is to see what you hide
your face is riddled with guilt
but you're drowning in pride

shouldve known better
than to lie to me
i will always find
what you are hiding
there's not a part of you
i havent seen

you don't scare me
is a lie
you don't scare me enough
sounds about right

i'm okay
isn't completely true
i'm okay for now
is more realistic
and a little more honest too

say it to my face
set the record straight
instead of letting me postulate
but, no, you're just gonna walk away

and let me sit here and debate
if i should choose love or hate
when if you could just mean what you say
there'd be a set of truths on which i could operate

instead you're proud of your cruelty
finding pleasure in the ****** up **** you do to me
closing in on my already shrinking sense of community
knowing just how much it will ***** with me

reveling in the mutiny
disappointment isn't new to me
but man you played the part beautifully
i really had no preception of this outcome truthfully

funnily enough today i was just cursing your name
someone mentioned you and reminded me of the pain
i pushed aside and bury everyday
even now i feel the venom in my veins

i tell the story again through my strain
how you abandoned me and left me to hang
how you have nothing to say to me so you say
how it wasn't supposed to be this way



but then you 'run into' all my 'friends'
and say it's nice to see them
sighing my how long it's been

but i don't to that to you
promptly mailed your stuff back too
you're the one who started acting brand new

and you know what's just peachy
after five months of chances to reach me
two and half to do this **** easily

there was a package on my porch when i got home
it was smashed and ugly and so overdue it is gross

you truly let us go
but you'll never say so

what would you do
if you knew
just how much you hurt me

would you run away
acknowledge the pain
or say i deserved it

this is just hypothetical
because based on several
circumstances its safe you say you don't

i can't help but contemplate
how you would behave
if you did know

no no no
i always write
but i can't write no more
can't put myself out there
can't even walk through the door

no no no
i can't cry
i always cry because of what they say
they told me to be stronger
so i have to deal with the pain

no no no
i can't do this
i can't act like i am fine
but they need me to be presentable
so i guess i'm gonna have to make the time

how are you suprised?

feeling down
gravity pulling so hard
that even good intentions fall short

every word every movement
requires so much
every good deed makes them ask for more

pushing up from the ground
but i can't find my way up
so i guess i'll acquaint myself with the floor

descending into madness
but i will try to enjoy the view
delusion galore

it's a game
of who cares less
left on delivered
unsending texts
general statements
to silently dig
because i'm too shy
to just say ****
and i know if i did
it'd just get forgotten
pouring until i'm an
empty carton
hate that feeling
so just i say nothing
act nonchalant
but i'm bad at bluffing
so now it's weird
because i think too much
concerns get buried
so i can get ******
i'm trying my best
to not mess it up
but i let the situation snowball
like it always does
and now it's too late
to fix what i bent
so i'll just say
we're better off as friends

i don't know what it was
i just woke up
and after everything we've done
i had enough
i want to be free of your touch
and ever elusive love
i'm not built for
someone so rough

no explanations
for me either
so don't feel cheated
besides now you get to keep her
your life goes back
everything basically the same
all that i knew was crushed
but i'll cope with that pain

just let me alone now
you've done enough at this point
it's not about how you'd feel
it's my choice

sometimes
when you try really hard
and nothing happens
it makes you wanna quit
and i can't tell you any different

i just wanna make an impact
but i'm just not enough
to be who i want to be
so i won't tell you who to be

so don't tell me to hold on
keep faith and all that bs
your words won't change how i feel
i just wanna change the world
but the world keeps changing me

"totally" inspired
or driven by the desire
to have them cheering you on

ridiculously tired
of constantly stoking a fire
when i could just take someone else's baton

spin and twirl
another's words
and act as if they're all mine

struggling to make this work
so it kinda ******* hurts
that i'm basically wasting my time

i'm in a prison of expectations
built by those i love
the happiness you bring never holds
i'll never feel like i am enough

ugly things they did
stain the carpet
unforgivable and destructive
unable to pardon

not ashamed to say
my love is conditional
some promises you cannot break
some mistakes just aren't fixable

oh **** no
i'm not you're little puppet
to ignore
and pull out to have fun with
i'm not your toy
to toss around
and fight over
and leave on the ground
not your doll
to pamper and preen
i'm much more
than a prop to upkeep
stop trying to
stifle and pose
i'm not a specimen
you can pinch and poke
not your animal
not your beauty
not your charity
not your duty
not your angel
or babycakes
***** in my mouth
when you caress my face
trying to be nice
but i'm sick of your ploys
to see up my skirt
and silence my voice
you're simply disturbed
and i want no part
take your playhouse
and kindly depart

stories i can’t seem to remember
behind my closed eyes
dragging myself through these awful days
to sleep through the fitful nights

strangers trailing through my dreams
somehow breaking my empty heart
falling in love with someone who doesn’t exist
twinkle twinkle little star

i sing the songs and dance to the words
but none of it makes me feel alive
what is real isn’t real
i’m aching for my purpose to materialize

tired before i even wake up
fatigued by the world, i sleep
i can only imagine what i’ll see tonight
i belong to my pillow and sheets

and as i resurface to consciousness
back inside my mind
i harbor a primal rage for
that clingy sunrise

that calls me back
every morning, every day
but every night the darkness comes back around
and cradles me with its solitude, like this will all be okay

and it holds me like no other
it never shames me when i cry
comrades, brothers, lovers
there’s no way you don’t satisfy

and there’s nothing better than
a fantasy, my friend
there’s nothing more tragic
than when that fantasy ends

nothing more painful
than saying goodbye
but you never leave me
so i’ll be alright

you’re not like the others
you are magnificently you  
wholesome night, you are precious
with dreams you subdue

my fears and satiate my need
for something mine
something only for me
something i can not deny

i am nothing special
i'm a little speck in your peripheral
nothing to worry about
nothing to stress over
nothing to care for
just a little speck
with feelings


                                                      ­              




                                              ­                                                                 ­        ˑ
                                                                                       ᶤ ˢʷᵉᵃʳ ᶤᵗ ᵈᵒᵉˢᶰ'ᵗ ʰᵘʳᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ ᵐᵘᶜʰ

ah
it is all starting to make sense
the way you were so forward in front of your friends
how you portrayed yourself as different
than all the other guys in line
it must be cursed hindsight

man
you were killing me with the suspense
eager to know when we'd link again
told me to not be afraid to dive right in
then you left me on read seven nights
wondered what i wasn't doing right

then i realized who you were
all the things you'd probably heard
call me crazy for considering
that you were affected by the whispering
if you can't carry the weight of my name
you'd never be able to harness my flame
and that is just a shame on you
you're too sensitive for the truth

hmm
the idea seemed so extreme
at first i didn't wanna believe
not me, not i, i couldn't be so naive
then my stomach starts to turn
as i gear up for the worst

well
its easy to say i should've seen
the flashing signs and subtle warnings
that's confirmation bias baby
but it's too late to prevent that hurt
all i can do is leave you first

cause when i realized who you were
and all the things you'd probably heard
i didn't feel so crazy for considering
that you distanced because of the whispering
you obviously can't handle the heat behind my name
you were always gonna blister over my flame
and that's just a shame but i ain't too blue
i severely underestimated you

had me going crazy
only for you baby
ain't that mighty sad
heard that i was crazy
couldn't take that maybe
so you let it go bad
thought it'd split me
but you missed me
baby i'm just too fast
you'll never get me
and when you miss me
that'll just be too bad

all i know is
it's nothing that i did
gave you a chance
you wasted it
too immature
to say something
too childish
to confront me
if you would've
let me know
i could've told you
on the low
but you wanna
consort with them
you'll never be
burdened by me again
i take pride
in who's by my side
if you're that concerned with image
you should be terrified

stranded in the
smoker's section
scared to ask strangers
for directions
never should have
followed you
down into that hall
or to this room
now i'm lost
and shaking cold
disoriented
as the lights strobe
it started off fun
but now i feel dizzy
the music's warping
the room is spinning
is this some
sort of sick joke
i want you to
take me the **** home
choking on smoke
as i'm swallowed by the crowd
pushed me in with the excuse
"i'm just being no fun now"

i did nothing today
i sat in my thoughts
like i didn't have a choice
but i did, did i not

and in the past
i'm not consoled
in the present
i've lost control
i love the ones
i never told
i leave behind
the ones i'm supposed to know
in the heat of the moment
awareness goes
out of the
metaphorical window
i just feel the heat
and the rumble in my bones
a burning sensation
as the words scrape my throat
and after i've lost my voice
and the moment implodes
we all go home
and i never gloat
because winning is losing
when you're all alone

so i nurse the wounds
and try to move
but even if i
apologize to you
our problems arent as simple
as talking things through
i walked away but you threw the first punch
both are true

but im almost willing
to take all of the blame
if i dont have waste
another day
feeling like you might die
and it ended this way

and i know thats
morbid as **** to worry about
but it's happened before
and i'm scared to find out
you're gone
and i was too proud
to figure **** out
or let my guard down
in the fight to be right
i feel like i might let you down

it's conflicting
knowing how much you've hurt me
and wanting you to see that pain
wanting you to take it away
in the way only you can
by understanding why it hurt
in the first place
but also wanting to live this life together
before we've gotten that far

i can't let you think its okay
but i can't let you walk away
i'm afraid
i did nothing today

i don't feel good about anything at all
can't tell what is and is not my fault
i'm the common denominator in all my problems
so it's easy to assume the problem is me
and i'm only who i was born to be
and i hate everything about that
i'm stuck in this body that i can not love
slowly dying
i wanna save people who
who i'm afraid cannot be saved
people do what they wanna do
and i can only do what i can
and i can't blame myself for not being a psychic
and knowing when i'm needed or what someone needs to hear
i'm just trying my best
even though i don't feel good about anything
or at all
i just wish life was different
and that my brain didn't work the way it does
every good thing that happens
is ground to dust
and blown in my eyes
and i just dont know what's real anymore
the way the world is
or the way i experience it

working myself down to a nub
forgetting to eat and pretending to sleep
wonder how long i can go on like this
with my tank running on e
something's gotta give
it has to change eventually
but it feels like i always gonna be
a dead battery

i don't know what to do to make it okay
everytime i think its over i'm eclipsed by the pain
god i hate the way things played out but there's nothing i can say
to make those awful things you did go away
i miss you so **** much that every part of my heart aches
but i can't forgive the things you did to me that day

all you want is promises
you dont want reality
truth is you could have it all
and you still wouldn't be happy

all you want is promises
but i need to stay honest
so i won't make one to you
my promise to myself is strongest