i'm pretty sure i'm sick
but who cares
this cough is gonna **** me
but i guess i'll fare
so used to being on my own
i guess i'm not surprised
how when i actually need some help
none will materialize

don't know why i woke up today
and walked my happy little *** here
dragging myself through the motions
but accomplishing nothing great
i'm no where near
where i want to be or dream to go
i'm stuck in this awful place
where i stagnate
no chance to grow
just the same old person
i was two years ago
want to be something different
but change is too scary
so i stick to what i know
but i'm not happy
with the life that i lead
disgusted by my choices
and underwhelmed with
everyone's perception of me

.
pardon my ignorance
i should've known better
but i thought i should at least try

but people always fail me
and it's made it harder to get out
of my shell each time

im damaged
and it ***** that i doubt
eveything in my life

but its not exactly my fault
its just that once i lose my focus
i can't just fall back into line

i can't go back
to how the way things were
i cant pretend i'm fine

i can't justify
ghosting you with out explaining
but i'm not ready to speak my mind

how do you tell someone
that being around them
is like feeling second best all the time

i love you to death
but i can't be you're sometimes friend
not this time

i feel like im lying
not only to you
but like whole relationship is a lie

i womder if i asked you about me
what you'd say
like you even listened or tried

it's wrong to just doubt you
but i feel it in my gut
i'm insignificant in your life
.
.
but i made you my whole world
my sun and my stars
i laid out a path
made of shards
from each time
it broke my heart
to make you smile
i tore my self apart
but that is
the way things are
you never wanted me
not from the start
you won't even miss me
but i'll reminisce from afar
trying to be your light
left me alone in the dark
.
.
but does it really matter
at all in the end
peace of mind
in exchange for a lousy friend
i cant decide
i hate to do this again
i cant believe i let you
get under my skin
i give up on trying
its too much work to put in
.
.
i hate you for making me feel this way
but you'll never know because you're indifferent to my pain

i've pushed so far
i've worked so hard
but i'm only
2 feet from start
i grit my teeth
burn my feet
only just to
face defeat

tell me what i'm doing wrong
make it easy for me
i don't understand anything anymore
i don't see what everyone else sees

i feel sick all the time
i hate my life
i wake up in the middle of the night
to hold myself and cry

there's nothing i can do
i'm holed up in this room
i hate myself for loving you
all it does is hurt you too

i never wanted this
never wanted to miss
you but its our predicament
i'm sorry i that I forget

i'm sorry i didn't love you when
you were here my friend
regret crawls up my suit of skin
the memories creep up again

at your insistence
i'll maintain my distance
cause you say it's better off this way

but suppose there was an instance
where we could both be consistent
would you wanna stay

the dynamic keeps switchin'
everyday you feel different
i'm trying to respect the change

know you've been resistant
your motivation to try nonexistent
guess i just wanna hear you say

you miss me pushing you're limits
i can't stop reminiscin'
about you everyday

feel a little dizzy
won't you please stay with me
i'm asking as a friend

the way i feel won't be an issue
i'm not distracted by how that shirt fits you
don't know when we'll be together like this again

just want cherish the moment
i miss you even if i don't show it
just wait a minute more

i know you've gotta go
before you do just let me know
if you ever think about before

cause this distance is a knife
i miss you in my life
cutting you out hurts so much

i've tried to keep my promise
but if i'm being honest
i don't know if i can keep this up

cause we see each other and just keep walking
right now it's a relief to finally be talking
after months of silent passing

know this a lot to divulge so fast
but i can't keep holding it all back
hope you can forgive the way that i'm acting

oh to be such a mess
just steeping in the pain
no thanks and please don't catch in my throat
till i asphyxiate
each memory crashes to the forefront
fighting to be the one to drive me insane
like sisters fighting over a toy
pulling it until it breaks

you've turned
and it's repulsing
i can't stomach to look your way

from the blood on your shirt
to the skin in your teeth
and the devil's smile across your face

i know what you've done
and i hate it
and i finally hate you

look what you've become
it's devastating
you're beyond rescue

no no no
this isn't what i meant
this isn't what i wanted
this can't be how it ends
pulling away from a touch
that's no longer there
it's an ugly ugly feeling
but nobody cares
make it make it stop
and wash it away
hot water does no good
nor the tears on my face
it's so uncomfortable
to think about things that could've happened
i'm just tired and unsure
holding in my reaction
because i can't mourn
while i lie in the crime scene
just another ****** situation
they always find me

my heart knowS its wrong
to be feeling this way
but i can't help but be
swallowed by the hate
hope her lips are sweet
enough to mask the pain
if you think it bothers you
imagine what i could say
everytime i think i'm happy
i remember your face
can't help but think
we were close to something great
now you're just whipped
and follow without a brain
miss the way we used to be
but can't be anywhere near you today

unimpressed
you make me sick
you're not that cool
i know the tricks
you're miserable
we all see it
i've lost interest
in being your friend

nobody wants me for me
only for what i can do
or give

i'm at a table full of people i know
but there's no one
to actually talk with

the painful realization
i have no one to run to
when i feel afraid

though you try to reach me
you dont try hard enough
and i pull away

and i can already see you
not noticing
but i won't lose sleep about it

it's amazing how lonely
a person can be
when they're constantly surrounded

like there's not even time
to just be me
or take off the mask

i want to stay
i do
but you remind me of the past

and i don't need you
trying to convince me
that it'll be fine

if i just relax
because their faces
say otherwise

and that feeling I get
everytime you
say the wrong thing

when you just do
and forget to think
when you hurt me

tells me that
being around you
ends in nothing good

but who cares
i'm not letting you go because i want to
it's because i should

cause if i cant
be happy for you
i shouldn't be around

it isnt right
to sulk in your shadow
and bring you down

it just it hurts
to see you tolerate
such trash

you'll defend your friends
and dismiss it when
they stab me in the back

when they ignore me
and make it impossible
for me to feel like I belong

you'll always choose them
you've always chosen them
you dont have to choose from now on

so stop reaching out
you never really cared
and itll hurt me more than you

so stop drawing it out
go find your other friends
and leave me alone to

cry
hate myself
and deal

it's gonna get worse
before it gets better
i only pray to heal

inside my mind
i imagine
throwing it all into the fire
and forgetting it all
the clothes off my back
a fresh start
of sorts?

but is the inherent value
of all that ive built
worth trying to restore its former glory

or i'm pouring even further into a sunken cost

is it harder to kiss it all goodbye
or to realize i never should have left

just a few words
on the tip of my tongue
i'd say 'em out loud
but then they'd become
twisted by your perceptions
and misunderstood
i keep to myself
for my own good

i don't cry anymore
missing you feels like being kicked in the stomach
every single part of this hurts
even though i guess its what i wanted

i dont regret protecting myself
or trying for as long as i did
i'm looking back now so unsure
and it distorts as i try to re-remember it

i'd like to say it's not the separation
but more about how you just packed up and left me
with not even a conversation or true warning
i still don't believe you'd just forget me

but as each new day passes
and you ignore my existence
i grow more accustomed to loneliness
coming to terms with it
it doesn't mean i don't miss you
even if i wish i didn't

to be just like you
surrounded and indignant
when you finally spoke up
you said you'd never need my forgiveness
i didn't want an apology
i just needed someone to listen

and from what i knew
i thought that could and would be you
but you won't see me anymore

it's easy to want you
because you want me
but i don't wanna love you
because you love me
you deserve so much
much more than that
you deserve someone
who could love you back

everyone is around
somehow i'm still alone
it ever used to be this way
then again
no one used to know

i feel so rotted through
my bones ache
and my eyes are sunken
my stomach touches my back
my arms leaden
my feet broken
my heart slowing
my fingers struggle to output
the resignation of my mind
the desecration of my time
the devastation of my life
it feels like my life is over
and i just keep going
like the last round of hurting wasn't enough
to convince me thoroughly enough
that this world isn't for me
and these people aren't either
but i just keep going
i can't give up now knowing
my problems are someone else's blessing
i'm just tired of the universe testing me
i lost my brother
my sister almost too this saturday
the little family i barely have
not my blood relations
just my only reservations
my few considerations
still i'm well aware
everyone is gonna go
whether they leave me now
or later
whether by choice
or by nature
why is it so wrong
i want to do it on my own terms
youth is no excuse to enable suffering
if in the meantime all i can do
is be punished for trying
it's unsuprising
i'd be so romanticized with dying
i know he's lying
to me
but my god
it's tantalizing
to be sacrificed
intead of sacrificing

I can’t be like the rest of the women he expects
Pretty and shallow, with my favorite hobby being ***
I don't know how to let loose and I don't speak with my body
I have no confidence, no wonder I'm always saying sorry

Subjected and Scattered
I scramble to fit into your perspective
I'm too introspective to be perfected
As if my opinion even mattered

i slept all day
now i'll stare at my ceiling all night

i'm nervous
that i've broken
from this reality
unsure of
when it'll all
hit me
haven't
really grasped
the gravity
of the meltdown
that i'm
having

can't be no one else no
can't trust myself though
can't love a situation
or fix everything broke
still try to anyway
keeps following me home
could never love me back
yeah i already know

locking the back door
left open the window
if you notice, it's on accident
otherwise it won't close
wanting it to end
but wanting to be chose
knowing it's all for *****
passing deathly serious notes

i'm a vision in the night
she's real between you're fingers
sure a taste would be nice but you're starving for love
and it'd be too much to ask you to leave her
so i'll come while you dream
and save you some time
we both know that you want me
its just the circumstances just aren't right
so you pretend that its me
as she takes you down
necessity trumps preference 
you just **** her because she's around

i'm crying
you're laughing
i know i should be better

but no one
is helping me
put myself back together

calling out
reaching even
but to this pain i am tethered

can't leave
can't break away
we both know i'm not that clever

but maybe
i'm the one who
has figured it all out
much to your displeasure

down to my soul
sick to my stomach
pushed you away
but know i still want it
the attention, the camaraderie
the moments to the side
now that it's over
it seems like time just flew by
but i know in the moment
it felt like forever
now it's like i'm living in a world
where we can't even coexist together

we are not friends anymore
we can't get along
someone has to be right
and i'm definitely not in the wrong
you seem to be surprised
that i've finally moved on
just because i don't give up easily
doesn't mean i'm afraid to see you gone

it's that raise in pitch
when you say my name
i wait for you to see me
but you can't look straight
all your excuses
start to sound the same

a little detail
reveals a big lie
a little change
that bothers my eyes
i know you too well
i am still suprised

it's in the way you speak so freely
then retreat into your mind
the harder your you try
the easier it is to see what you hide
your face is riddled with guilt
but you're drowning in pride

shouldve known better
than to lie to me
i will always find
what you are hiding
there's not a part of you
i havent seen