it was nothing
then it all became surreal
you don't love me
or care about how i feel
we talk but that's it
i don't have a place in your life
i call you my friend
but your everything but mine
you tell me i put myself down
way too often
but have you seen the way
you treat me with caution
like your afraid to be near
or hated by association
talking to me
like its your obligation
i don't think you know
the way i see you
you think we are friends
sometimes i do too
then i remember
i've never been a first thought
just second priority
always put off
not your best friend
eventually nothing at all
i keep pushing you away
so i guess its my fault

it ***** this bad
and i was barely interested
imagine how much worse it would've been
if i was emotionally invested
this is why i don't socialize
or read into other's actions
it's easy to become too fragile
when you're too dependent on attachments

i don't know what to do anymore
i get off and i sit in my car
cause i dont wanna head to the house
but i'm too tired to drive anywhere far
and i dont wanna hang out
i just wanna be somewhere i don't hate
i wanna be alone
i deeply desire to feel safe
i want a lot of things
but i can accept what i have
knowing it could be worse
even if it can get kinda bad
i just want to feel better
i want to breathe and feel like myself again
cold showers help the physical pain
but i want the mental anguish to end

went and found somebody new
she moved on
when will you

anger won't make it better
it won't stop them
from being together

don't force yourself to bluff
you'll feel worse
than not enough

i know your heart is hurting
but your disillusion
is disconcerting

she's made you feel worthless
but loving her
was never your purpose

to love yourself before others
is more important
than securing a lover

they hate you
for the way you love others
and the kindness in your heart

seeing someone so pure
reminds them of how
decrepit they are

fear no monsters
because even they
are afraid of the dark

i don't know where to start
another blow to a broken heart
i dont want to hurt you again

oh so close but still far
loving me causes you harm
i only see you as a friend

forgive me for not feeling the same
deep down i wish it was that way
i still care about you

i want to give you joy not pain
but i only hurt you im afraid
just continuing to confuse

we don't have to hurt together
choose this pain forever
we just like healing each other
wiping tears we gave to one another

the lying liars
and the lies they tell
buy into the facade
until the truth is for sell
we lie to each other
but mostly to ourselves
we lie to make it better
but we're always overwhelmed
we are lying liars and these
are the lies we will always tell
consumed by your desire
to be someone else

shared some sense of family
i never had
it's what kept you all together
what holds you back
i remember feeling alone
before i even knew what lonely was
since i was a child
i knew that i was the only one i could trust

i woke up this morning
and knew inside
i just knew
you couldn't ever love me
not because i'm unlovable
or anything bad
but just because
you only feel me as a stroke to your ego
because who else
is asking about your day
or hearing you out lately
and wanting to know your woes
or sending a message first
no one
and i just wanted to be nice
and maybe show you what it could be like
and i really thought i liked you
and i'm not gonna stop being kind
but i can't pretend this isn't what it is
i'd die before i let myself become
a nothing to someone
who wants me to curate they're everything
so they can live without feeling
i'm not an emotional cumrag
i wanna see you happy
but i wanna be happy too

high functioning
able to do what is needed
but as soon as i get home
i fall to pieces
as soon as i'm alone
i can't focus or reason
the smallest task impossible
my train of thought impeded
all i can think about
is the way i am mistreated
too tired for revenge
but dream about making things even

why is it everytime i fix one thing
another thing breaks
nice to everyone and tolerant
just gets me called fake
i'm burnt out and still going somehow
because i will stand up regardless
i'm too hard too strict too full of myself
i'm sensitive yet heartless

want me to show a little a skin
gram by the gram for the gram
lay it all out like spread eagle
kiss your **** and say you're a man
**** all the soft **** that right
catching feelings holding hands
want me to take it all off one by one
if i was real i'd understand

but that's not me
never will be
i like my privacy
i like hiding
i like keeping things lowkey
i don't wanna show my body
i don't wanna be like that
don't wanna arch my back
don't wanna be like all the rest
faking smiles and setting traps
don't wanna go that fast
don't make my life public
just cause you like it
doesn't mean you need to touch it
respect my boundary lines
don't tell me to cut them
they're there for a reason
there cause i want them
you say i don't need them
because you want somethin
gained from me having none
so they're bad by your assumption
don't live to play barbie in your productions
be your star of seduction
my body is more than it makes you feel
i have a higher function
stop trying to push me down
you'll never have your way
i'll bite and scream and scratch and claw
i'll be whatever you want to call
a ***** a snitch a liar a tease
your opinion does not phase me
won't be molded into your princess
or pose and flutter and kneel
would rather die being me
than do something to make you feel

good

my body isn't mine
i'm trapped inside an object
of affection to whoever wants to
take their shot

given away
like a present
everyday is christmas
except it's not

broken from abuse
in disrepair from overuse
it's funny for them
to watch

drag myself home
into my hole
mourn my innocence
that is nothing more than rot

carrying around the sadness
everyone's sees my baggage
it's like carrying a suitcase
full of rocks

when you've been hurt as much as me
you learn to go to your happy place
away from the pain
safe in your thoughts

where the monsters can't touch it
because they've soiled everything else
ruined and stained
perfectly round blood drops

i'm like a ragdoll
to toss around
and play games
where i'm not allowed to stop

stuck in a fetal position
scared to leave my room
screaming into my pillow
remembering the childhood i lost

torn and exposed
told i deserve it because i let myself go
should be lucky for the
unwanted attention i've caught

point out the mess
but don't offer to help
just what i'd expect
only concerned with yourself

can't even see
how you led to this tragedy
abandoned me
to blame for this savagery

see
i killed a dream tonight
try to tell myself it will be alright
saying this is how it had to be
convincing nobody

killed it with my bare hands
telling myself that it would understand
justifying what i had to do
knowing it was supposed to be me and you

your hands are clean
you walk away fine
my hearts a crime scene
bound to flatline

can't even see
how you led to this tragedy
abandoned me
to blame for this savagery

cause
i killed a dream tonight
tried to tell myself it would be alright
saying this is how it had to be
convincing nobody

killed it with my bare hands
telling myself that it would understand
justifying what i had to do
knowing it was supposed to be me and you

every inch
becomes a mile
i would go the distance
just to see you smile
following the path
x marks the spot
your words are my treasure
your body is not

i ******* hate you all
ripping pictures of the wall
can this one thing not be about you
or will you twist this narrative too

will you try make someone else the monster
for needing space and not being okay
will you push farther and farther
using excuses to worsen their pain

i don't know why you're like this
tragedy gets you excited
cause you see an opportunity
to receive so much sympathy

from people who don't really care about you
but thats not even the point
you just need to feel important
so you try to become the only voice

in a situation where many are hurt
and hurt them more with your selfish words
this is why everyone ignores your cries
just go too far to prove why you're right

when you are just being selfish
you just can't help it
it's gonna be such a lonely day
when you've pushed everyone away

because you can't let anyone 'win'
cause to you trauma is a competition
can you just respect someone you say you love
even when you're not with them

did i do something wrong
did i make you uncomfortable
did i misstep
did i mess up
did i miserably fail

i don't understand
the series of events
that lead to this moment
what did i do
to hurt you so bad

don't like your options
so you reject them
not interested in questions
so you resort to deflection
beat down on me
till i gag at my reflection

it's so sad
these dreams i have
where i have you
they'll be over soon
but i can't forget
the feeling of your skin
pressed into mine
even though i'm haunted half the time
remembering what i've done
i just regret being young
it's just killing me to have this space
but there's nothing i'm willing to say
to make it change
because what if you just don't feel the same

i don't know if i could take it
i'm this weak
for you
i'm gonna fall back asleep
so i can feel that way again
you're too strong

i remember the first day i saw you
like it was just yesterday
and the first time i looked at you
with that he's-not-so-bad way
i remember falling in love
then all i remember is the pain
of you not loving me back
but still choosing to stay
because apparently our friendship
was something you wanted to save
but all it is is a reminder of the
love i just could not attain
i remember the first day i saw you
now i wish i'd never said hey

don't care they say
don't mind their ugly words
keep being kind
don't lose yourself in the insults they hurl
like i haven't tried
to be a woman of steel
god i wish
it was that easy to not feel

it was just a period of time
where i let you into my life
and it felt so empty to try
now we avoid each others eyes
cause its awkward to realize
what we said in the dead of the night
could exist in the daylight