no more lies
you don't have to hide
i'm here to show you the way

in the end its you're call
if you want to put up that wall
and not let me help with the pain

just know that i've tried
to see past your disguise
and there is something to be saved

but i wouldn't blame you at all
or put you at fault
because you are afraid

i wanna watch over you
if that's okay
when's the last time you drank water
have you eaten today
you don't deserve
to feel so sick everyday
even when you're miserable
don't bury yourself in hate

you shouldn't need to brace
against your own fists
don't owe me anything
i'm here because i wanted this
you did do something today
you lived
and for me
thats the best gift you could give

i wake up feeling rested
next to a person i love
who loves me back
i get out of bed
and the floor is not cold
and sunshine bleeds through the blinds
i see myself in a mirror
and love myself
i don't feel unwanted
i go to a job that i love
i see friends that
make me feel like i belong
i know life is worth living
i look forward to the next day

in a perfect world
i'd be happy
one day i pray
to make this a reality

eager to leave
or ready to go
love or settling
i'll never want to know
cause if i don't really
care about you
i'll fixate and obsess
cause i won't accept the truth
but if i need you
i'll push you away
i'd rather feel pain now
and stop feeling so afraid
that you'll come to your senses
and leave me in the dirt
either way i do this
i am bound to get hurt

i forgot how it felt to love you
i forgot how you used to make me feel
i forgot the touches and whispers
i forgot being head over heels
i forgot you moving on
i forgot the pain of missing you
i forgot how you left with her
when you finally had to choose
i forgot the heart ache
now i see you as a close friend
but sometimes i still wonder
if i could even love you like that again

these little things
i've barely accumulated
i've shared beyond self-interest
the truth is complicated
because i gave you these things
wanting someone else to hold them as close as i have
seems you took them and ran
and i shouldn't want them back
but i genuinely wish you could and would
that i'd be removed from your after credits
that since you ruined almost everything i have
you'd let me have my wits
but no
you are simmering with flippant disregard
ungrateful for what this took for me
emotionless as i can't compete
hope you can be that closed off when they have to bury me

don't cry now
i waited for you to love me
don't feel bad now
you should have cared while i was here
and no it's not just your fault
but it sure snowballed into an avalanche
and maybe if i could just never see you again
i could have tried to make it work
but you just love rubbing it in
the things i barely had
i never want to trust again
i'm dying of cold and lack

you can call me an indian giver
i catch the blame and hate regardless
and you can have back your rare occurrences and slivers
i started with nothing and now i have far less

i've said too much
i emptied the bottle
can't pour it back it in
now that i've spilled it all out
so in the mess i reside
the puddle i've made of my life
i wade knee deep in problems
i've only made worse by opening my mouth

sometimes i wish
my lips would fall off
and my teeth would meld together
and my tongue would wither away
maybe then i could know what it's like
to stay out of my own way

i feel like everyone knows everything
and nothing at all
i think too much
i try to share my thoughts
but they never come out right
so i'm just fighting for my life
and ruining it
all at the same time

those i love
are like puddle
when it rains

we jump
and make messes
but in the end they evaporate

briefly present
vanished into
thin air

brimming with joy
drowning in
despair

up and down
left an right
pull me to pieces
don't forget to say goodbye

too many words
not enough structure
one too many syllables
and it all falls apart

sounds so good in my mind
but i stutter when i speak
don't listen to my words
know my heart

i want it to be perfect
to move you
but i just can't
i've tried

i write
and i write
and i write
and i write

but nothing
comes out
that bears any
significance

just stringing
you all along
my thoughts are
dissonant

keep fighting a battle
but how?
i thought i was done
but i'm not i guess

don't know what is hurting me
i'm just too afraid
to know if it might actually be me
i'm a mess

your thoughts
but not your desires
your words
but not your mouth

your presence
but not your body
please understand
that i am over that now

you can be
comfortable
i won't try to trick you
or mess around

you mean so much to me
that i let it go
i don't want you romantically
i feel no doubt

i used to crave you
but now i am
suffering with this wall
and doing without

you
so please forgive me
i finally apologized
out loud

never meant
to ruin the friendship
but all i did
was drag us down

lay in bed with my eyes wide open
cause it feels like you're watching
stay up for days
knowing you haven't lost sleep
nights are the worst
why do you still haunt me

like a snail you left trails
on every inch of my body
i take showers every hour
but i cant get you off me
it feels pointless
but i can't stop washing

won't say a bad thing about you
even though no one is here to stop me
they say i'm being paranoid
there's this evil in you they cannot see
suffered years living fear
just to be ****** to have everyone mock me

not a drop of patience
but you got me waitin
looks like you forgot
not gonna make it

but that's okay
i'll still stay
pretending you dont mean it
makes me feel less pain

i never used to act so crazy
somethings got a hold of me lately
sometimes i wanna leave
but i'm scare that you'll hate me

but it's not about me
or making these feelings known
need to deny
the way i feel in my bones
i respect you enough
to let my dreams go
don't wanna be invasive
or come off as gross

hope you think about
me on occasion
close your eyes and hear my laugh
when you see the notification
know you think being close
is overrated
but you keep coming back
love the sensation
reaching out despite
intentions not clearly intimated
can't help if you feel
intimidated
i'm secure in my desires
while you're humiliated
i'm comfortable with my sentence
i relish in my condemnation
if you think i'm scared of a little judgment
you're awfully mistaken
i wanna give you time to choose
but i'm growing impatient
do you want this
cause its yours if you'd take it
but if you're not interested
don't let it go to waste then
release me and plow on
don't feel forced to fake it
you're free to be free of me
if you lack the dedication
hard to love a heart like mine
doesn't mean you have to break it
at least take my feelings
into consideration
i can manage any outcome
but first you gotta address your reservations
augment or exit
not lowering my expectations

if you could be anything in the entire world
you said you'd be a snail
never understood that much
but i knew you very well
you were loud and clumsy
yet cautious and afraid
scared to watch scary movies
and liked your personal space
very safe and very aware
even with your anxiety
remember the night you got drunk
and invited me
back to your house
to meet your fish
then passed out
after 6 minutes
god i miss us
and especially you
wonder what you
are up to

sometimes i wish you'd keep it to yourself
say all the nice things and just stop
not ruin the moment with your criticisms
not see a minor mistake and cut me off
wish you'd just let me be happy
even if for a single minute
even if i messed up
even if you're foaming at the mouth and livid
i just wish you could see more than my **** ups
more than the wrongs that i do
wish you'd be as generous with your grace
as i am with mine for you
i don't like wanting to avoid you
or thinking horrible things when you're close
i don't wanna become this mean person
got insults lodged in my throat
just waiting to be fired
like bullets in a gun
except i never wanted
to hurt anyone
so i am carrying a loaded rifle
trying not to accidentally shoot
you make it hard when you pick on me because it's just easy to
i want more for us
i want to respect you again
but that can only happen if
you lay down your weapons
and your words and your anger
and see me as a person
not as an object to ridicule
not as something to make perfect

now that our stories are black and white
and love is an act of defiance rather than a state of grace
i don't see how we ever came together
or find reason in the distance we made
before this became what it is now
all i feel is the gap between
your doubtless simple comprehension
and my drowning senseless indecision
our bounds could never meet

sure came close though
but if i really listened
i would have heard the first cannon fire
but who am i kidding

of course i heard it
but i held my tongue out of guilt
can we really burn bridges we never built?

this is what it means
to be forgotten
to be lost to the world
to be gone

everywhere you should've gone right
you barreled left
because they asked you nicely
even though it all felt wrong

now you're here
holding your head in hands
trying to make it make sense
trying to understand

but you've run out of will
and you're crying again
you're trying to be okay
but you just can't

there was never a moment
where i felt safe
a time when i could
read your face
there was always some variable
to evaluate
the lack of security
sealed our fate
i cannot be the one
breaking change
everytime you need
your space

do you mean what you say
or are you just pulling strings?
i'm a ball of twine
unwinding me would take an eternity

you've never felt like yourself
since the day you were born
as long as you can remember 
you've been broken and worn
just to be somebody else
or to just learn what it means to be yourself
but you seem fine enough
despite how you have felt
so they let you pass
and you try to move on
but it all feels so hard
it all feels so wrong
but let me tell you something
i think you should know
if you're searching for a house
you'll never find your way home
if you dream someone else's dream
you'll never know your own
if you tell yourself to want what everyone else has
you wont realize you really don't 
if you strive to be another person
you wont know you're already perfect
if you let them set your price 
you'll always feel like you are worthless
so take the power
back into your hands
or take back the power
that you can
i know its scary
to not know exactly who you are
and that trying to trust the stranger that is your mind
can be really hard
but just know you can't go wrong
if you follow your heart
happiness will find you one day i promise
it's written in the stars

somebody is lying
and i know it's not me
you say whatever it takes
to slip underneath
defiling is easy
taking is too
irresistible sin
at least for you
but i'm too drunk
and i'm too scared
you're too selfish
to ******* care
i hadn't slept
on arrival i was wrecked
eyes a painful red
disgusted as i left
after two hours of awful sleep
the night finally hit me
and i cried the whole way home
i wish i just ignored my phone
they never mean what they say
they'll lie to get their way
half the job is done if they get you through the door
and since i accepted the invitation it cant be ****
i can hear the ***** gallery calling me a regretful *****

i dont need them to believe me
i just wish somebody cared

violent tide
calming down
neither right
i know that now
silent amends
don't want space
just a little understanding
and for you to say

no more texts
no more people getting in the way
too many words for something so simple
caught up on things so trivial
i don't want it like this
can't we just pretend

melodies slide
melting so sweet
i forgive you
you forgive me
today doesn't have
to be yesterday
somehow we can
make this okay

no more words
or feelings hurt
too much stress over something so little
the things we got caught on we should just forget them
if we don't want it like this
can't we just pretend

you say i run across you're mind all the time
but we both know i never run
keep telling me you think i'm the one
but we both know if i was number i'd be three
you whisper out loud that you think you love me
but we both know you don't think
you go on and say that you ThInK
i'm chillin

memory lane is longer than i remember
every woe felt and then forgotten
so now that i choose to look back
every good moment has turned to something rotten

memory lane is longer than i remember
the fence is twisted and the fruit's gone rotten
realizing now why these old stories
were better off forgotten

Nobody cares about how we’re dying inside
Only that good intentions are always implied

♥

have to remind myself my i'm not the things you call me
not weak for being exhausted
allowed to be hurt
allowed to feel
don't need to fight to just exist
but with you
i do
it's always something
i try to see your humanity
but i stopped loving you long ago
all i feel is cold now
there are things i hate you for
that i can not forgive
but i'm good at ignoring my feelings
thats the only way i have survived
i hate that its like this
but it is
i don't think we'll ever know each other
because you will never compromise
and i won't worship you
i'll respect you
but you won't respect me
and its that simple unfortunately
i hate it
i hate you
for hating me
you say you don't
but you despise me for not being complicit
for not being just like you
i'm sorry i guess
but not really
you're willing to hurt me to prove a point
and thats where you lose me
you're willing to hurt someone to be right
and i can't get behind that
i'm not sure anymore
just tired
and constantly belittled
and picked at
and pushed down
and held back
and blamed
for things i didn't do
and out of my control
cast as the object of your rage
the bane of your existence
everything you hate
my generation
and opposing beliefs
you just hate me
and won't admit it and it's tiring
if i pulled the same ****
you would ****** me in cold blood
and i know it
because you can't control your temper
how ironic
you always say i'm acting out
and being irrational
when you push me to my limit
but you're the one who can't handle reality
nothing will ever make you happy
so you make everyone else miserable
hope you're happy with that

it's just like me
to lose touch
forget where i am
and say too much
reality so jarring
but i fail to hide
a mixture of insecurity
and fragile pride
i want to be happy
but i want to be right
i mean i don't want to
say it's all been a lie
just so damaged
that i can't tell between
my intuition
and the intrusive thoughts always plaguing me
and i'm sorry if it feels
like i'm closing in
i know that i
can get too intense
i'll just stop explaining
making no sense
like i said before
we're better off as friends :/

not today
not tonight
will not break down
refuse to fight
i'll just do my best
and bow my head
when i should really
throw a fit instead
and flip tables
and throw chairs
the way i'm treated
is so unfair
but i'm too tired
to be upset
so i take the defeat
and digress
it's easier to know
that i'm right
than pull receipts
and ruin your night