good god
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
jesus christ
THE FATHER AND THE SON
demon inside?
SATAN BE GONE
only a sinner...
EVERYTHING EVIL BENEATH THE SUN
i'll burn in hell
FOR WHAT YOU HAVE BECOME
but i'm your daughter
YOU'RE NOTHING COMPARED TO THE HOLY ONE

sleep well
dream on
when you fall asleep
i'll turn the lights off
but i'll stay here for now
cause i see you're afraid
won't let the monsters get you
i'll pull you close if you start to shake
i'll be here till your eyes
give up and close
i'll be here until
you are comatose
i'll be here
until i know you are asleep
then i'll tuck you in
and try to find my own peace

silly, silly me
my heart is killing me
because i love you too much

the ability to breathe
vanishes when you enter the scene
all the air in the world is not enough

entranced by your pattern of speech
every word makes me think
crazy how you fill my mind up

take aback by your authenticity
so used to feeling empty
you don't know the power of your touch

would like to believe
it's not just me
worrying
panicking
but i have to agree
not ignore what i see
the proof is in the pudding

if you don't put out
you don't deserve love

if you don't deserve love
you're ugly

if you're ugly
you should be alone

if you should be alone
you should just put out

closing in on me
but i'm pushed against the wall
scratching and screaming
soon i'll be too weak to crawl
it's useless to fight
i'm already captured
this feeling of helplessness
swallows me even faster
every cry of passion
dies out as a whimper
i'm much too macerated
to take on someone bigger

gotta be patient
gotta be nice
gotta keep it all pretty and short
gotta stay out the way
gotta listen better
gotta always do just a little but more
gotta
gotta
gotta
gotta
gotta keep my eyes of the door
gotta act like i wanna be here
gotta make them believe me
gotta or it'll be like before

pull my backpack over my shoulder
and stifle the tears
not one **** friend
in four ******* years
all you did it
finally pushed me to the cliff
questioning if the the jump would hurt
and other what ifs
i don't wanna die
i just don't wanna feel so unloved
bullied and pushed and discredited
never ever enough
i thought once it was over
i'd be free of the panic
now i'm just alone
and i'm awfully manic
reliving those years
of rejection and pressure
feels like i'll be in
highschool forever

all caught up
in your fashion statements
voting your friends
for stupid superlatives

yeah you're def making waves
so influential babe
in two years you'll have one friend
and miss the good old days

peaked so early on
what's to look forward to now
when you can't use others to feel better
you world crumbles to the ground

the grass is greener
so you hop the fence
how the hell are
you miserable again
looking across the river now
it seemed better back then

flipping like a switch
can't make up your mind
it always looks better
on the other side
always had someone
else to decide

wanna turn back
and go to what you know
run into the arms
of a person you disowned
there's comfort in familiarity
chaos feels like home

through the looking glass
its all foreign and strange
hard to stomach
this new kind of pain
wasn't prepared
for this amount of change

barely reply as is
but tell me to call
if i feel like crying
swear it's safe to fall
and i wanna trust your words
and if i could relax that'd be great
but my gut is telling me
to push you away
before you get bored
or annoyed or mad
before i get abandoned
or stabbed in the back
i wanna trust you
but the things you do
the people you choose
aren't like the person i knew
or thought i knew
i think i need to bid adieu
don't wanna overstay
or cause issues

i just wish that i could trust you

bent at your whim
desperate for a friend
trying not to come on strong
but i'm doing it again

they tell me not to impose
admire but do not pick the rose
patience was never my strength
but i need it to let you go

pulling your roots will only disturb
cutting off stems just makes me a ****
i'm more than this loneliness
less than what you deserve

be better or go
won't hold a knife at your throat
can't force you to behave
i'm not your mother anyways

if you wanna be issue
i can easily bid you adieu
i'm above your fits and quips
won't subject myself to your ****

find a way to not **** to be around
or you better find a way out
otherwise i've no use for the stress
color someone else impressed

the loneliness is brutal
but it protects
shut me out
ignore the mess
it draws you in
in locks me away
besides you feel better
by seeing my pain
i don't wan't to be
living a life
with a
needy parasite
who wants to tell me
who i am
you will never ever
understand
by all means i don't
want to be alone
but i can
manage on my own
your attachment issues
are not mine to investigate
and my inability to commit
is not yours to abate

guess this is goodbye
guess this is the end
guess i should've focused on
being a better friend
guess i should've did more than i have
or despise what i've become
guess i should regret the
not so nice things i've done
guess there's something i could do
to salvage this wreck
but i'm tired of being the one
to mop up your mess
tired of being sorry for
trying to help you
tired of being your pin cushion
tired of feeling used

see it
i need you to see it
but if you don't
just go the **** away

mean it
you say that you mean it
you can think so
it's more than what you say

leave it
i tell you to leave it
yet you just won't
you're the cause of the pain

unsee it
you just can't unsee it
knife at my throat
but i had the sharper blade

i guess what i really meant to say
wouldn't even matter anyway
i take up space in the doorway
knowing i got nothing to useful to say

in the end there's not much i can do
but acknowledge the fact i still love you
in whatever i mean when i use
that word and if it means what i want it to

i know i'm the one who made things this way
still confused about it anyway
you were more than willing to stay
but i didn't and don't see anything worth trying to save

i think i just miss not being alone
but thats not a good enough reason to go
and keep leading you on when i very well know
i've got more than enough issues for us both

so i got diagnosed
with hashimoto's
a couple of weaks ago
and some of the symptoms are:
- unexplained mood swings
- fatigue
- depression

well DUH
i knew all that already
only thing to do now is..
umm...
sooo
thryoid gland
what's good?

don't feel like saying sorry
for not being what you need
but this feeling of inadequacy
has exploded inside me
and it can't be my fault
but i've made it such
with your other options
no wonder i'm not enough
but i'm gonna hide
the sinking in my chest
smile to your face
and wish you the best

when he reads this
he's gonna wince
ask if i've ever
felt like this since
he's known me
and i'll tell him no
because i know
that i won't
have

he's gonna hold my hand
like it's make of glass
one day i won't be
afraid to ask
if we could
just take it slow
by then he'll
already know

migraine
inside my brain
there’s a kaleidoscope of pain

suffer
hurts so much i see different colors
so bright i can’t see the others

words
drowned out so they cant be heard
can't focus on anything but the hurt

drained
i am too tired to play
no more pills to save the day

waking up with a smile
knowing that night would come again
you were the best part of living
man would i do it again
cause when the sun set and curtains closed
i said things i could never take back
in my lonely bed i'm not sure how to feel
i try to piece together your laugh
from memory but i've forgotten already
i am scared to have the realization
i shouldn't have pushed you away
but it was the right thing to do in the situation
you were just too far away
and i am as unlovable as they come
i know there's so much time left
and i know that i'm still young
but what if i threw away my chance
and i'm ****** for the rest of my life
i miss hearing about your day
in the dead of the night

all i needed
was you to not say anything at all
you bail on me time and again
but make me feel guilty for thinking it's your fault
if you don't have the means
or you don't care to see me just say it
get it out of the way
my peace of mind is sacred
let me have this one thing
don't ruin it just because you can
don't promise me things
you know you can't
i'm tired of being disappointed
and half heartedly making new plans
knowing you'll forget me
and i'll have to understand
i'm sick of being patient
go the whole way or don't come at all
it's exhausting waiting for you to show
and trying not seem upset when you call

angels
would fall
to wipe your tears
you evil evil boy
i've loved
you for years
you've broken
my heart
what can i do
there is no
greater temptation
than you

he wants her
she wants not him
everyone is unhappy
with the situation
hearts are strung
feelings beyond tangled
perpetual torture
lover's triangle

i'm just
maybe if i
don't think that
you snap out of it
it's okay it's fine
not doing this today
get your **** together

it all started when he didn't love me
and i hate to make it sound so lame
but the day i realized i was nothing
to him i was never the same

in his arms i was higher than the stars
his steady hands made me unafraid
where he would end i would start
no concept of personal space

his whispers tickled my neck like a feather
his fingers traced my lips and held my face
the sweet nothings he said when we were together
still kick around inside my brain

when he said i was beautiful i felt it
no one had ever made me feel that way
but just as my heart melted
things just had to change

but i don't wanna overshadow the good
or let the past ruin today
i'll let my minder wonder as it would
but appreciate the lessons and pain

i used to say
i wanted to pain to go away
but now that it is gone
nothing fills its place

i used to pray
that on some hopeful day
that my worries would vanish
and my sadness could fade

now i seem to crave
the hurt and the heart ache
as opposed to this dullness
this void-inducing haze

even as things seem to change
i notice how they just stay the same
either way i yearn
for a reason to stay

edges begin to fray
the only color i know is gray
i've always had this will
how come i can never find the way

hey
could you move over please
i need a little space
i feel like i'm gonna be sick
i'm too tired to make it work
but i'm trying to do the best i can

hey
did you hear me
maybe not
i was a little quiet
but if you could please give me some room
i don't wanna make a mess
or get any on you
i just don't feel too hot right now

hey
don't make me beg
i don't have it in me right now
i'm already weak
please just give this one thing to me
don't make me fight to feel bad
i don't wanna get it on your shoes

hey
now you're just ignoring me
and that's pretty ******* rude
i'm trying to consider you
but i'm not sure how much longer
i can contain this ick
this should be easier than it is

hey
i'm talking to you
seriously ******* move
i'm not gonna argue with you
not gonna debate if i am allowed
to be sad by myself
can you just go somewhere else

hey
******* LEAVE
I'M TIRED OF SAYING PLEASE
I ALREADY ASKED NICELY
I'M ABOUT TO EXPLODE
AND YOU WON'T LEAVE ME
THE **** ALONE

it's the peculiar pain
of knowing how
excited i get
when i think of
seeing you
or how nervous i become
worrying about what to say
knowing you don't feel the same
that same rush

i bet
your friends have never heard about me
and if i was mentioned
it was probably not by name
just in offhand
like yeah
i ****** that one girl again
just another body

you dont have conversations
revolving around how your actions
might impact my feelings
or even think about that about that at all
i bet
but i do for yours and
i bet
you would laugh at me if you knew
or you'd just run

and the shock
of the realization
knocks me out of orbit
this idea of who i am
to anyone around me
means nothing
and you are just the first example

and as i start unraveling
and acknowledging all my **** ups
and shortcomings
and everything i wish
would just be different
about the world
and myself
i drown in the feeling
that i shouldn't even try
my powerlessness
my weakness
i hate myself
for all the things
i can't will myself to be
and the thoughts i can't control
getting too self aware
and i suffer

one too many nights
of medicated sleep
now i can't fight the universe
revealing things to me
or is it the devil
trying to get under my skin
with these horrible visions
i can't be sure

i want to be safe
and i want to be alive
but i want to feel alive
and i'm tired of being alive

loop di loop di loop
it all starts and ends with you
and you don't even matter
because i don't matter to you
my brain won't let me love someone
who can not love me back
but i still feel attachment
because i'm stupid
and i actually liked you despite
all of the ugly thoughts in my head

now i'm rambling
and i make no sense
that one crossfade lyric
what i really meant to say
is i'm sorry for the way i am

i can't help but ruin everything

oh my god
you are so funny
who would've guessed

your jokes hit the spot
make me laugh my **** off
and the one liners are the best

you dont know about
his obsession with two and a half men
or how he loves
the color of 4 am
you weren't there when
he broke his big toe
trying to see if he
could do three back flips in a row
you don't know him
the way i do
doubt you could
even if you wanted to
but i know that's he's special
and you see it too
just don't hurt the idiot
also a little birdy says he likes you

no one reaches out
my line stays dry
i don't reach out either
because i've already tried
nothing comes of it
it all ends as fast it starts
i'm tired of people trying to change me
i'm tired of nursing a broken heart

so i don't reach out
and neither do they
empty inboxes
haunt me all day
the messages that come
are desperate or bored
i'm dying for interaction
but i know better than before

the one time i replied
he tried to use me
to try and manipulate me
is the best way to lose me
so i ghosted him
and left him on read
turned off my phone
and went to bed

I NEED CONVERSATION AND STIMULATION
I NEED MORE THAN DESPERATION
MY DREAMS ARE BEYOND X RATED
I'M MORE FUN WHEN I'M THINKING
GIVE ME WORDS WORTH READING
SAY SOMETHING WITH ACTUAL MEANING

i sift through the gibberish
in search of food for thought
i am not here to make you feel better
nor to get you off

i just wish someone would hear me
my throat is raw from screaming
WHY DO I FEEL SO ALONE
why is happiness so fleeting

but all they want
is for me to fill a role
either to take my virtue
or save my soul

why
why
why
why
why

i just want to talk to someone
and tell the truth for once