pick a side
is this goodbye
back and forth
in my mind
god give me a sign
tell me what is right
it's not easy to decide
if i want him in my life
so i go back on my word
and forgive him everytime
if it feels so good
why does it cut like a knife

i don't know what to feel
skipping through varied presentations
from unmatchedly detached
to being suspended in world-bending self realization

jumping realities
like seats on a bus
the one where i mattered
others i wane to discuss

trying to find meaning
where there may be none
assumptions are the extension
of problems i can't outrun

even in my dreams
i'm turning on the spit
no repose from settling finalities
mulling us over until we're but its and bits

but i'm still breathing
but i'm still bleeding
day after day
belonging is fleeting

maybe i'll rubberband into a new normal
or maybe i'll snap trying
all i know is i can't just be here doing nothing
it almost feels like dying

i don't know what to feel
it's foolish to speak out of frustration
but the lonelier i am, the scarier it gets
is it wrong to hope i'm not invisible in my devastation

   𝐡𝐮𝐬𝐡!
my fairweather friends are calling
i'll just let the phone ring and ring and ring
i'm too tired to be Me™
when everything is not what it seems
  genuity don't mean a thing
  did it ever really
  was it nothing more than pity
  off to make some other history
     would you claim this as a victory
     are my questions falling worthlesssly on deaf ears
     i never want to see you again
     and i wish you were here







uiɐɓɐ sɐʍ ʇi ʎɐʍ ǝɥʇ ǝq ɹǝʌǝu uɐɔ ʇi

simply uncivil
inconsiderate
selfish and in denial

my understanding and patience
is not a given
yet you still feel entitled

so what if you want more
if you don't want it all
the mental vacations you go on
everytime i try to talk
about the ******* problems
you ignore because they don't affect you
i'm not here to be ignored
besides what else can i do
the second i'm inconvenient
you shut down and pull away
don't look at me like that now
you obviously wanted it this way

cause how many bridges am i supposed to rebuild
couldn't tell me when it has gone too far
you want what you want and you do what you do
even if it means breaking my heart

so buck the **** up since you're so tough
and none of it ever mattered
i'm gonna be fine just give it some time
once i'm detached from this disaster

go ahead and show me
what i'm missing and how you're so ******* amazing
i've seen enough and i lost nothing
but a person who lied in love because they thought they could replace me

uneasy but thats fine
its okay take your time
i'm only dying inside
i only waited to talk to you all night
i only wanted to not feel alone in my mind
i'm not blaming you its just that i
wasn't ready for goodbye
even though i said it was alright

you don't want this
you don't want me
your words are lies
i can't compete
she's so beautiful
that my eyes bleed
it's just no use
can't you see
you dont have to pretend
i understand
don't come close
watch where you stand
i mistake friendship for love
so i can't hold your hand
this isn't what you want
leave while you can
i'll love you when you're gone
don't mind my crying
i know my place in your life
don't try to make it better by lying
you kiss me in the dark
so you dont have to see how i'm dying
this connection is killing me
my circuits are frying
as much as i know i need it
my heart can't take anymore
half of me wants to be with you
and the other half is already out the door
even if yours is the best
it cant go on like it has before
the highs are so ******* good
but this next time i know i will die right here on this hotel floor
yes you say the words
but i hear i hear it in your tone
i'm gonna leave you first
if i have to be alone
i know you love her more
though you tell me not to go
i dont want to be your lie
no more waiting myself to a pile of bones

strangers indifferent
to the others existence
brought you together
regret that decision
you forget who i was
pick at who i am
push me to the edge
off making 'better friends'
made for each other
all the toxicities align
better you block you own opportunities
than keep ******* with mine

good god
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
jesus christ
THE FATHER AND THE SON
demon inside?
SATAN BE GONE
only a sinner...
EVERYTHING EVIL BENEATH THE SUN
i'll burn in hell
FOR WHAT YOU HAVE BECOME
but i'm your daughter
YOU'RE NOTHING COMPARED TO THE HOLY ONE

sleep well
dream on
when you fall asleep
i'll turn the lights off
but i'll stay here for now
cause i see you're afraid
won't let the monsters get you
i'll pull you close if you start to shake
i'll be here till your eyes
give up and close
i'll be here until
you are comatose
i'll be here
until i know you are asleep
then i'll tuck you in
and try to find my own peace

silly, silly me
my heart is killing me
because i love you too much

the ability to breathe
vanishes when you enter the scene
all the air in the world is not enough

entranced by your pattern of speech
every word makes me think
crazy how you fill my mind up

take aback by your authenticity
so used to feeling empty
you don't know the power of your touch

would like to believe
it's not just me
worrying
panicking
but i have to agree
not ignore what i see
the proof is in the pudding

if you don't put out
you don't deserve love

if you don't deserve love
you're ugly

if you're ugly
you should be alone

if you should be alone
you should just put out

closing in on me
but i'm pushed against the wall
scratching and screaming
soon i'll be too weak to crawl
it's useless to fight
i'm already captured
this feeling of helplessness
swallows me even faster
every cry of passion
dies out as a whimper
i'm much too macerated
to take on someone bigger

gotta be patient
gotta be nice
gotta keep it all pretty and short
gotta stay out the way
gotta listen better
gotta always do just a little but more
gotta
gotta
gotta
gotta
gotta keep my eyes of the door
gotta act like i wanna be here
gotta make them believe me
gotta or it'll be like before

pull my backpack over my shoulder
and stifle the tears
not one **** friend
in four ******* years
all you did it
finally pushed me to the cliff
questioning if the the jump would hurt
and other what ifs
i don't wanna die
i just don't wanna feel so unloved
bullied and pushed and discredited
never ever enough
i thought once it was over
i'd be free of the panic
now i'm just alone
and i'm awfully manic
reliving those years
of rejection and pressure
feels like i'll be in
highschool forever

all caught up
in your fashion statements
voting your friends
for stupid superlatives

yeah you're def making waves
so influential babe
in two years you'll have one friend
and miss the good old days

peaked so early on
what's to look forward to now
when you can't use others to feel better
you world crumbles to the ground

the grass is greener
so you hop the fence
how the hell are
you miserable again
looking across the river now
it seemed better back then

flipping like a switch
can't make up your mind
it always looks better
on the other side
always had someone
else to decide

wanna turn back
and go to what you know
run into the arms
of a person you disowned
there's comfort in familiarity
chaos feels like home

through the looking glass
its all foreign and strange
hard to stomach
this new kind of pain
wasn't prepared
for this amount of change

barely reply as is
but tell me to call
if i feel like crying
swear it's safe to fall
and i wanna trust your words
and if i could relax that'd be great
but my gut is telling me
to push you away
before you get bored
or annoyed or mad
before i get abandoned
or stabbed in the back
i wanna trust you
but the things you do
the people you choose
aren't like the person i knew
or thought i knew
i think i need to bid adieu
don't wanna overstay
or cause issues

i just wish that i could trust you

bent at your whim
desperate for a friend
trying not to come on strong
but i'm doing it again

they tell me not to impose
admire but do not pick the rose
patience was never my strength
but i need it to let you go

pulling your roots will only disturb
cutting off stems just makes me a ****
i'm more than this loneliness
less than what you deserve

be better or go
won't hold a knife at your throat
can't force you to behave
i'm not your mother anyways

if you wanna be issue
i can easily bid you adieu
i'm above your fits and quips
won't subject myself to your ****

find a way to not **** to be around
or you better find a way out
otherwise i've no use for the stress
color someone else impressed

the loneliness is brutal
but it protects
shut me out
ignore the mess
it draws you in
in locks me away
besides you feel better
by seeing my pain
i don't wan't to be
living a life
with a
needy parasite
who wants to tell me
who i am
you will never ever
understand
by all means i don't
want to be alone
but i can
manage on my own
your attachment issues
are not mine to investigate
and my inability to commit
is not yours to abate

guess this is goodbye
guess this is the end
guess i should've focused on
being a better friend
guess i should've did more than i have
or despise what i've become
guess i should regret the
not so nice things i've done
guess there's something i could do
to salvage this wreck
but i'm tired of being the one
to mop up your mess
tired of being sorry for
trying to help you
tired of being your pin cushion
tired of feeling used

see it
i need you to see it
but if you don't
just go the **** away

mean it
you say that you mean it
you can think so
it's more than what you say

leave it
i tell you to leave it
yet you just won't
you're the cause of the pain

unsee it
you just can't unsee it
knife at my throat
but i had the sharper blade

i guess what i really meant to say
wouldn't even matter anyway
i take up space in the doorway
knowing i got nothing to useful to say

in the end there's not much i can do
but acknowledge the fact i still love you
in whatever i mean when i use
that word and if it means what i want it to

i know i'm the one who made things this way
still confused about it anyway
you were more than willing to stay
but i didn't and don't see anything worth trying to save

i think i just miss not being alone
but thats not a good enough reason to go
and keep leading you on when i very well know
i've got more than enough issues for us both

so i got diagnosed
with hashimoto's
a couple of weaks ago
and some of the symptoms are:
- unexplained mood swings
- fatigue
- depression

well DUH
i knew all that already
only thing to do now is..
umm...
sooo
thryoid gland
what's good?

don't feel like saying sorry
for not being what you need
but this feeling of inadequacy
has exploded inside me
and it can't be my fault
but i've made it such
with your other options
no wonder i'm not enough
but i'm gonna hide
the sinking in my chest
smile to your face
and wish you the best

when he reads this
he's gonna wince
ask if i've ever
felt like this since
he's known me
and i'll tell him no
because i know
that i won't
have

he's gonna hold my hand
like it's make of glass
one day i won't be
afraid to ask
if we could
just take it slow
by then he'll
already know

migraine
inside my brain
there’s a kaleidoscope of pain

suffer
hurts so much i see different colors
so bright i can’t see the others

words
drowned out so they cant be heard
can't focus on anything but the hurt

drained
i am too tired to play
no more pills to save the day

waking up with a smile
knowing that night would come again
you were the best part of living
man would i do it again
cause when the sun set and curtains closed
i said things i could never take back
in my lonely bed i'm not sure how to feel
i try to piece together your laugh
from memory but i've forgotten already
i am scared to have the realization
i shouldn't have pushed you away
but it was the right thing to do in the situation
you were just too far away
and i am as unlovable as they come
i know there's so much time left
and i know that i'm still young
but what if i threw away my chance
and i'm ****** for the rest of my life
i miss hearing about your day
in the dead of the night

all i needed
was you to not say anything at all
you bail on me time and again
but make me feel guilty for thinking it's your fault
if you don't have the means
or you don't care to see me just say it
get it out of the way
my peace of mind is sacred
let me have this one thing
don't ruin it just because you can
don't promise me things
you know you can't
i'm tired of being disappointed
and half heartedly making new plans
knowing you'll forget me
and i'll have to understand
i'm sick of being patient
go the whole way or don't come at all
it's exhausting waiting for you to show
and trying not seem upset when you call

angels
would fall
to wipe your tears
you evil evil boy
i've loved
you for years
you've broken
my heart
what can i do
there is no
greater temptation
than you

he wants her
she wants not him
everyone is unhappy
with the situation
hearts are strung
feelings beyond tangled
perpetual torture
lover's triangle

i'm just
maybe if i
don't think that
you snap out of it
it's okay it's fine
not doing this today
get your **** together

it all started when he didn't love me
and i hate to make it sound so lame
but the day i realized i was nothing
to him i was never the same

in his arms i was higher than the stars
his steady hands made me unafraid
where he would end i would start
no concept of personal space

his whispers tickled my neck like a feather
his fingers traced my lips and held my face
the sweet nothings he said when we were together
still kick around inside my brain

when he said i was beautiful i felt it
no one had ever made me feel that way
but just as my heart melted
things just had to change

but i don't wanna overshadow the good
or let the past ruin today
i'll let my minder wonder as it would
but appreciate the lessons and pain