can't be breathing down your neck
can't force you to feel like i do
even if you've shown interest
it's not your job to
define this and understand that
it's just hard because i want all of you

oh it's done now
i'm really kicked out
hurt your feelings
and you hurt mine
all we did
was waste each other's time
can't be cordial
or pretend to be nice
you raise your fist
i pull a knife
i can not stand down
not this time
why must i always
be the one to apologize
and now we're just drifting
apart faster everyday
you won't get to
see this pain
i hate you for not
seeing it in the first place
i say i don't mind
but that's just what i say
in all reality
i actually hate
that you continue to
smile to my face
then leave
and laugh behind my back
i'm sick of having
to retrack
find my place
and hope i won't relapse
it's *******
i never can relax
have to be concerned
with your fears and needs
while i am
silently suffering
you could
care less about me
i kiss your wounds
you watch me bleed
i memorize your voice
you leave me on seen
gone as far as
blocking me
i gave you years of my patience
and now you leave
**** this *****
because i wish you cared
but i got tired
of being scared
that you would leave
disappear into thin air
and you kinda did
but i know you're still there
you just chose
to be with them
those people you hate
that you call friends
you left me
again
i'm done crawling back
this time you'll repent
but you haven't
so this must be the end
**** this *****
i didn't want you to go
i wanted you to appreaciate me
to stop being an *******
just wanted you to
think about how all of this made me feel
you walked away
and it just doesnt feel real

why am i crying
for the billionth time
it's not a mystery
i wasnt suprised
disappointed and confused
and lost in the lights
every word is overwhelming
my senses are fried
you thought of me and
decided to say hi
strange to think
i still cross your mind
didn't think you'd notice me
unless i up and died
never really realized your impact on me
till you saw me cry
because i take those words you say
and bottle them up inside
every broken promise
is branded in mind
killing me softly, killing myself
killing precious time
ouch that hurts
but i tell you its gonna be alright
but i know it's fatal
and you know it's a lie
i should respect myself
and you should stop letting things by

i sit and ponder
everything that's gone sour
making sense of the guts
and grinding the bone to powder
no suffering should go to waste
gotta make it worth something
the gracious aren't unscathed
and the privileged aren't forthcoming

i can't in good faith
say everything happens for a reason
because there's much depravity and injustice

and for all of the pain
i might never break even
but at the end of the day i learned something from it

hold your loved ones a bit closer
count your blessings and kiss goodbye
even in anger we are loved
you can give up but you still gotta try

the drop of a hand
the spoiling of plans
trying to understand
how unfounded i am
how reckless i became
the risks barely scaped
how i find myself in shame
how i'm the one to blame
for the loss incurred
i swallowed your burs
and weathered your worst
even drew blessings from a dying curse

but now it's my turn
my lips have been pursed
and it's a poor choice of words
but i've had it worse
not to compete in the slightest
or to complain or rescind kindness
but in recovery from my blindness
and a surfeit of your highness
i call forward to motion
my efforts and devotion
the letdown of vows found broken
the swelling and tender underbelly of emotion

that which you carved with relish and concentration
channeling something much deeper and primal than hatred
an appetite darker yet related or fairly adjacent
drawing up the last of my fading patience
flicking the needle but being careful not to waste it
and i smiled in wan vacantly complacent
unaware of the future rapidly reshaping
nothing i could do but plant myself to brace it
coming face to face with my very own replacement
coming to terms with such a draining arrangement
that ****** up my mental but you don't want to claim it
i still grieve for you but i don't want say it

with the blink of an eye
you made a different life
didnt even try to fight
barely even said goodbye

that hurts me more than i wish it did
but i guess i gotta live with it
bury my stake in the high road and draft my penance
what crossed your mind when you called it good riddance
i'm so confused then abused by your ruthless decisions
you cared about me until you just didn't
recanted before i crashed out but wouldn't admit it
you waited until you found something to pin it
on me so you could move on without feeling like a villain
the last of your efforts just costumed resentment
taking an early check out on a solemn commitment

i prayed everyday not knowing
my hopes were sisyphean
i broke my jaw and choked on my tongue
and suffocated when i grew tired of screaming

might have bowed out so regretless
to maintain a clear conscience never to consider
carrying yourself with such faithlessness
won't leave you feeling very chipper
and one day if it wasn't worth it
and you see my name hiding in your coffee mug bitters
the universe would be playing a cruel joke on you
it's quite uncouth to become a belated gravedigger

searching for purpose
in places that make no sense
only reached out
cause you're ****** up again
only want me
cause i'm a safe option
love the version of me in your head
not who i actually am
projecting your esteem issues
to soothe insecurity
i want to help
but i'm not gonna let you decide for me
what you really want
isn't my company
you want acceptance and affection
that i can't give you comfortably

got here so fast
ain't that crazy
i can't even imagine

but when i take into account
how long i've been doing this
i feel like there should've been
this bigger reaction

but i'm here
with my hundredth poem online
and honestly i am not feeling all too much passion

tomorrow is a new day
for a new poem
a new feeling
a new attraction

can't put too much pressure
on myself
anxiety is my worst distraction

so let's go pen
one hundred one
and end this before it loses
traction

empty highway
crowded mind
needed some space
went for a drive
music loud
on a quiet night
it's just how it is
getting used to life

but at what point do i acknowledge
how crazy things have gotten
how far do i let my thoughts roam
before i have to stop them
i wanna do the right thing
but there's not many options

broken white lines
boundaries i can cross
walls i couldn't climb
cliffs i fell off
know i'm going too fast
but it's too late to stop
running out of gas
in the middle of a thought

what's stopping me from crashing into
the next light pole i see
the universe already proved
no one cares what happens to me
if there's no redemption
what the point in suffering

no traffic this late
good to feel alone
i only feel comfortable crying
on my own
it's getting harder and harder
to focus on the road
i feel more in control
the faster i go

which seems kind of backwards
but it makes enough sense
i don't think i've felt okay
since i was a kid
but i'll pretend it's okay
so i don't lose my wits

brake seems to be broken
but i couldn't care less
always know i was gonna
end in a wreck
nobody is gonna
clean up my mess
honestly it feels like
it's all for the best

and i know it's wrong to think that way
but i'm tired of fighting the tide
tired of denying the way
i feel deep inside
i'm sorry but this is the truth
i tried to hide

wheel starts slipping
struggling to care
losing my grip
high beams glare
into the void of night
life isn't fair
no destination
i'll let them wonder where

able bodied creature
dreamy eyed figure
gazing hopelessly, intimately
just kissing, loving mindlessly
never omitting passion
quiet reaction, satisfaction
truly unnerving
very worried
yesterday's
zeleny

touch starved
we all are
a sad lonely truth

hungry
for something
maybe its you

just one bite
please oblige
my sweet tooth

this loneliness is eating at me
i crave human touch
cravings and all, with all of these liars
alone will have to be enough

cold air bites at me
if i stay out here i'm going to freeze
but i can't be sure of what i've seen
i tread to the center carefully

as i arrive
through the ice
i see those eyes
frozen in suprise

now i wanna head back
but its too late for that
the lake has set her trap
the ice begins to crack

i don't try to escape
too late to be saved
should've walked away
from a familiar face

Sometimes I look up
And the sky is not there
I try to breathe
But there is no air
They’ve taken it away
Everything I have
Dimensional and Complex
Now shallow and flat
Deflated and lost

Hurt and confused
I put all of this
Trust in you
Why do you do this
Why do I try?
You never tell the truth
But you never really lie
So I can’t be mad
But I am not happy
Who would’ve known
I’d react this badly?

Why don’t you love me?
Why don’t you care?
I pull myself to pieces
I always compare
Myself to these girls
That you lust for and seek
I change myself countless times
So you will notice me

And when I pull back
You never understand
You want to make it better
But you’re the reason it got out of hand

And I want to hug you back
But I want to break you down
And I want to accept this for what it is
But I want to push you to the ground

I hate you
But I hate me more
I hate everything around me
But I can’t disappoint you like before

I have to stay happy
And kind and sweet
Even though these things you do
Stab and sting
And take all the will
And the patience I saved
For this avoided but imminent
Rainy day
I brought my umbrella
But the wind took it away with a gust
I want be honest
But don’t want to break trust
And I need for someone to love me
To fill up this hole
In my heart, In my purpose for living,
In my spirit and soul
I need someone to tell me
That I’m not ******* insane
Someone that sees things like me
Who gets the choices I make
And the ones that I don’t

I’m stuck in my mind
Let me out, PLEASE
Nothing heals better than time

Until it doesn’t
And it is useless
I am ******* stupid
I can’t do this

I’m a liar
You don’t know me
I’m a liar
But I am lonely
So please please please
Just hold me, hold me
So please, pretty please,
Just hold me closely
I’m cold and afraid
But you are so cozy
Ow STOP
It’s burning, It’s burning
You’re hurting me, STOP
Why do you hurt me
Why do lie
Why are you turning
Into a monster
The tables are turning

Let me go
I don’t have to
let you do this
But I am stupid
I can not do this
I hold you closely
As you julienne my spine
Pulling the knives
out every time you leave
Just a canvas of
scars developed over time

But you don’t care
Or maybe you do
I’m lonely and scarred
I’m confused
Cause you do these things
That show you care
Then pull back or you lie
And our bond disappears
Then I can’t actually talk to you
And say what I mean
My stepmom is in the other room
So I’m holding back, but I just want to scream
I want to cry
And make you feel this way
Want to shake the sense into you
Make you understand this pain

Of being so close
Yet being held back so far
Of thinking you know who someone is
Just to find out who they really are

Why don’t you love me?
Why am I not enough?
I’ve given all I can
And I don’t think I’ll ever experience love

I can’t even touch another person
Without feeling disgusted
But I’m too nice or too in denial
To discuss it

But when touch finally meant something good
I learned it wasn’t special
While I might mean something to you
I am part of the several

I’m not unique
I am only another
Person in line
Why even bother
To entertain me
And my wishful thoughts
Unless you are evil
And my tears get you off

You are so stupid
Do you see what you’ve done?
What you said you would be
Versus what you’ve become
I keep trying to tell you
But the words get stuck
In the back of my throat
So silence will have to be enough
But you want substance so I pour out my heart
And you act like you comprehend
You wouldn’t just accept me because I am me
If you were my friend

I am so empty
I can’t imagine myself
In a place of acceptance
Can’t remember hoping for anything else

Stuck in a cycle of loathing you
And needing your company
I keep pushing you away
But I need you to love me

Love me
Love
Me
Tell me you love
Me
I need to hear
How much you want
Me
First priority
Second to
Nobody
Push and pull
Till you see you’ve undone
Me
Too afraid to accept what you’ve
done
So you don’t confront me
You lie, You pretend
Try to act like its
Funny

You made me fall, and now I’m crashing
And you just want to hug me?
You made me walk through fire
Just so you could put it bluntly
You let me burn all of those bridges
Even though you knew you weren’t running
You should’ve just killed me then
I hate when your lies punch me
And bruise me, And you stories hurt me,
and your  change of heart stuns me
I should’ve known better
That is why they judge me

You say they don’t matter
But you steady stay on their side
You always give them
A chance to prove they’re right
Listen to their reasons
And then throw the fight
Always putting me last
To make sure she doesn’t cry
Throwing me under the bus
Countless times
Acting like I did you wrong
Because I pointed out your lies
I can’t stand this anymore
So I’m sitting down and letting out a sigh
And taking all these hits
To keep you in my life
But would you go through this for me?
Am I even worthy in your eyes?
I must be nothing to you
Because you never see how you make me flat line

do you not see?
do you ever notice me?
can you tell when i can’t breathe
do you even understand
the capacity
of your actions and the way they control the world around me?
are you blind
or are you dense
common sense
intelligence
practicality
experience
i don’t understand
don’t comprehend
are you blind?
must i remind
you of all the times
i gave what i didn’t have
just to hear you call yourself mine
and then in the end
you take it all back
like i was the one who surprised
you with all this love ****
i waited to say it back
cause i didn’t want it to be a lie
your cloying lips just let it fall
into my hands
when “i love you” meant nothing at the time

so don’t hate me
i will try to do the same
but i can’t make any promises
i am in pain
i don’t want to hurt
but i want to see you cry as well
after all the tears i’ve wasted
and how much you’ve made me hate myself
please don’t hate me
i will never really mean this
without the thought of you to soothe me
my lonesome nights are dreamless

i could move a mountain
i could part the ocean
i could touch the sky
but i can't handle my emotions

i drown in loneliness
i run into problems head first
i fly away when i get scared
and somehow that makes it worse

because i can be magical
i can be a presence
but when you look at me
my resolve lessens

i forget what i am doing
i'll just hide myself in the shadows
praying you don't see me
camouflaged with bravado

i'm a natural
it just flows when i let it be
but i become an actress
when your in the vicinity

ah here i go again
losing another friend
i'd feel bad but i know
it's for my benefit

every tear i've cried
has accumulated over time
flooded with the feeling
to wash myself of the grime

of users and opportunists
how'd i let myself come to this
scrubbing away the dirt
only to reveal some nasty bruises

but those will heal eventually
i'll scar over mentally
i'll grow from this
go on to be who i'm meant to be

which is not the embodiment of this pain
not being sore or flawed or ashamed
i'm on my knees right now
but i'll stand tall one day

this is it
what can i do
you stare at me
i stare at you
you look to me
for security
like i can make up
for your lack of maturity
like i can be
the adult in your life
how am i to micromanage yours
when i can't handle mine

this in debt feeling feels heavy
no turning back
bills and responsibilities
no more time to relax
scary to know childhood is over
that this is how it will be now
but i like being aware of the change
so i don't crash before i even leave the ground

please
just a piece
just a nibble
to appease
the demon
inside of me
i'm more
than just a freak
than how often
i need to feed
i hope you
can see the me
that is
genuinely
interested in you
not your amenities

everybody's got something to say
everybody's got someone to hate
if i don't agree
if i stand by me
i'm just in the way

everybody's got someone to know
everybody's got something to show
if i hide mine
from prying eyes
i'm asking to be alone

but what if i'm not
what if it's the exact opposite of what you thought
what if it's taken everything i've got
to move on
to be fine

but what if i stop
what if i see his name on my screen and drop
everything to be in the spot
next to him
and he lies

i don't hate you
i hate the waiting
i loathe the seconds
that add to the minutes
we're wasting

i'm filled with dread
when the tic turns to toc
anxiety consuming me
as i count down
eyes glued to the clock

so afraid of missing a moment
i get lost in the passing of time
instead of focusing on
our happiness
i'm eager to protect mine

just watching the numbers grow
as if they're some sort of proof
but those numbers don't mean
a god ****** thing
if they don't involve you

i wrote an email
what did it do
it'll sit in an inbox
maybe just take up room
but i wanna do something
i wanna be loud
when i see something that wrong
i can't black it out

can't **** my teeth
and just go along
sometimes i smile at their faces
when i know it's wrong
cause i'm afraid to get
berated and pushed up on
it's nothing in comparison
i'm ashamed i'm not strong

but i know little boys shouldn't be scared
to play in the street
or go for a run
whenever they please
the things we are born with
things we can't change
the color God gave us
the skin we wear each day

shouldn't be so shameful
or be a source of so much pain
how do people
harbor so much rage
i could never understand
the hate in their heart
they see a little boy
as a threat cause he's dark

makes no **** sense
they lies to themselves
lose a little more faith in humanity
with each bullet shell
behind my closed eyelids
i see him facing the sky
he couldn't be staring at it
he isn't alive