okay
i'll breathe
or at least i will try
even though i know you
are
nt
co
ming
b
a
ck
i
c

nt
b
re

the
c
me
bk

following directions
that lead to dead ends
listened to the people
i thought were my friends
don't know where i am
not even a clue
someone come find me
i'm just a little too confused
to find my own way back
and be okay
can't see past my issues
or deal with my pain
i just feel so lost
so broken and hurt and torn
i dont understand why
i can't feel anymore
it is all so gray
_________
i just started writing again
and lately i've been overwhelmed
forgot where i left off
and don't know how to continue
so i guess this is what i get
and basically this summarizes how i feel

can't be no one else no
can't trust myself though
can't love a situation
or fix everything broke
still try to anyway
keeps following me home
could never love me back
yeah i already know

locking the back door
left open the window
if you notice, it's on accident
otherwise it won't close
wanting it to end
but wanting to be chose
knowing it's all for *****
passing deathly serious notes

no no no
this isn't what i meant
this isn't what i wanted
this can't be how it ends
pulling away from a touch
that's no longer there
it's an ugly ugly feeling
but nobody cares
make it make it stop
and wash it away
hot water does no good
nor the tears on my face
it's so uncomfortable
to think about things that could've happened
i'm just tired and unsure
holding in my reaction
because i can't mourn
while i lie in the crime scene
just another ****** situation
they always find me

one plus one
does not equal two
i am not the one
who completes you

i thought i hid it so well

lo and behold, you caught me
  obviously i had it all wrong
    very well then
       everyone is probably laughing at me now
          don't worry my love you told me
  
you told me i have nothing to fear
  of course i know this was all an accident
    under no circumstances would you hurt me


until you did because

                                                        ­                                                           ʸᵒᵘ
                                                                ­                                            ᵈᶤᵈᶰ'ᵗ
                                                                ­                                      ˡᵒᵛᵉ          
            ­                                                                 ­                    ᵐᵉ              
                                                                ­                           ᵇᵃᶜᵏ

no more
hands under shirts
sliding inside *******
wandering places
you don't belong
and can't be
i'm not even here
i'm too far gone
to be able to say what i mean
you push against my back
and try to let me know
how much you think you want me
i don't know how to feel
in the morning
everyone's still so charged
but i'm happy everyone's happy
even though this prickly feeling
has settled right here in my heart

drunk on a doorstep
how'd i end up here
maybe i shouldn'tve acknowledged
my deepest fears
maybe i shouldn't have said anything
before i was sure how i felt
but i was freaking out
and i needed somebody to tell
and i needed to let it out
and get it off my chest
one thing led to another
you already know the rest
i don't even know i'm saying sorry for
you're the one who made me a joke
you get laughed at once
and suddenly i'm the one being cold
i understand why you don't like it
but frankly i didn't either
i'd say let's call it even
but i can tell by your demeanor
you dont want to hear a word from me
so i'm stuck here confused
if you don't want me to apologize
what else am i supposed to do
because we can't avoid each other forever
we share too much to succeed at that
at the very least i wanna address the issue
even if i can't take it back
so we're not walking around the problem
letting it become bigger than us
to the point it's so ******* awkward
being in your vicinity *****
maybe im being hopeful
but i am dying to work this out
**** can we just be cool
cause you're always gonna be around

these strangers think they know me
strangers i used to call friends
used to be close but we drifted away
now their closing in on me again

these strangers think they know me
strangers who express their interest
but you cant like me because of my pictures
it takes time to be granted access

these strangers think they know me
strangers with which i share blood
a house is four walls where we cohabit
but that does not equal trust

this stranger thinks she knows me
a stranger i can not escape
the stranger is me
i hope i figure myself out one day

it's alternative
it's similar
but not something i've ever had

so familiar
yet foreign
what a peculiar kind of sad

i thought
it'd get easier
as time continued to pass

but it hasn't
i've realized
each hurt is different from the last

i knew not what i'd done
more concerned with little issues
that never mattered as much as you
and i know that now
but then i was stupid
led by and for amusement
tangled in pointless idiotic webs
instead of focusing on the real things
the people and memories that made me me

cough up the worst thing you could say
and see how much i care
imagine your personal hell
and dare me to take you there
there used to be feelings
but you shut them down
its hard to "have a heart"
when you cut mine out
blood dripping 
from the gaping hole in my chest
be careful not to slip
on your regrets
because you seem to have come searching 
for belonging
you used to find that with me
before you wronged me
you tossed me aside
when i wasnt easy
you demanded my submission
but never tried to please me
even through that
i stayed loyal
and kept a level head
when my blood began to boil 
but you made your last mistake
and took the last step
the final straw to making sure
i could never forget
and trust me i haven't 
i am still seething 
it is taking all of my will power
to not lunge at where you're seated
and drain the pride from you
like you discarded my purpose
i wonder if you even know what its like
to feel utterly worthless
i could show you
if you want
you seem to want it
with the way you taunt
you abandon me
then return on a whim
to confess that you 
want to be friends
you don't even consider
how i might react
or even thought
that maybe that
i never wanted to see your face again
for as long as i live
what you did
is something tat can not be forgived
i can't be you're friend
or pretend to understand 
you didnt appreciate what i did
so i can't give you who j am
not even in the slightest
because i don't trust you
after you do things like that
you change someone's whole point of view
of you yourself
and even life
so dont pretend
you know what its like
you keep pushing my buttons
to see when i'll crack
but i shed my feelings
when you stabbed me in the back
don't you tempt me
cause i will let you burn
i don't want to but if you dont go
i will show you what it means to hurt

unlike me to leave people behind
or let dreams die
but there comes a time
when all you can say is goodbye
where all you can do is let go
and hope the other person knows
how much you cared even though
you're the one who chose to ghost
because i had to do better for me
focus on priorities
make choices that weren't easy
be the person i thought i'd be
and its not that we were doomed
there's so much potential for you
i just had to do what i needed to do
i wasn't happy and thats the truth
i wasn't growing how i promised to myself
you were becoming somebody else
the relationship was a drag on my mental health
it took forever to decide if i should even tell
you how i felt or do something about it
wasn't pleased when you rebounded
but i did leave you unaccounted
i just needed to be surrounded
by people who saw me for more than what i could give
and people who loved me when i was hard to forgive
you tried but you just never did
that's the kinda of person i see and need myself to be with

point out the mess
but don't offer to help
just what i'd expect
only concerned with yourself

can't even see
how you led to this tragedy
abandoned me
to blame for this savagery

see
i killed a dream tonight
try to tell myself it will be alright
saying this is how it had to be
convincing nobody

killed it with my bare hands
telling myself that it would understand
justifying what i had to do
knowing it was supposed to be me and you

your hands are clean
you walk away fine
my hearts a crime scene
bound to flatline

can't even see
how you led to this tragedy
abandoned me
to blame for this savagery

cause
i killed a dream tonight
tried to tell myself it would be alright
saying this is how it had to be
convincing nobody

killed it with my bare hands
telling myself that it would understand
justifying what i had to do
knowing it was supposed to be me and you

I need to let this go
Tonight
It isn't wrong
If you do it right

Think what you want
But you don't know
You want to hold me close
​But you choose to let me go

no more lies
you don't have to hide
i'm here to show you the way

in the end its you're call
if you want to put up that wall
and not let me help with the pain

just know that i've tried
to see past your disguise
and there is something to be saved

but i wouldn't blame you at all
or put you at fault
because you are afraid

pushing all the buttons
top floor
to rock bottom

elevator broken
i'm not moving
out of options

trying to make sense
out of how
i got here

this isn't funny anymore
i suddenly
fear

i didn't wanna
feel the pain
so i shut the door

wanted to forget
just live life
on a different floor

but i'm stuck
in the one place
i don't wanna be

the only place to go is
the only place
i wanna leave

i open my eyes
but i still feel everything
despite my every effort

have to blink again
maybe if i get some sleep
i might feel better

i'm just afraid
if i let go
i'll just be sitting there

staring out of the doorway
watching it happen
forced to stare

can't change the moment
the past is frozen
in itself

maybe it's my fault
never said no
still won't ask for help

i just wanna
get off on a different floor
and be okay

pressing all the buttons
but my situation
stays the same

same ****
different day
nothing changes
feeling gray

I'm just trying to clean the machine, if you know what I mean.

there's something i can't reconcile
a fear hastily dismissed
i'm afraid of being the person i am
of a mistake that can't be fixed

perpetually sorry
awfully hardly
barely starting
to make up for all that i've done wrong

what is my burden
the punishment deserved and
the consequences i'm certain
will never amount to enough to feel okay to move on

while i'm sure i'm being dire
the awareness sheds no grief
castigated by my own thoughts
i couldn't walk away even if i was free

the things i didnt do
laid their claim on me
and the ones i did anyway
despite understanding
dig into me constantly
consciously
and when i feign peace
unconsciously

i do not nice things
i lie
i break hearts
i play games
i try things just to see
what would happen
even if i know it's not right
i let my feelings get hurt
i pretend i don't know what they've said about me behind my back
i pretend i don't hear the things i say in my mind
i do things to hurt people on purpose
when they've hurt me
i do not nice things
and i hate myself for it

i wonder who you see
the liar
the attention seeker
the cry baby
the failure
or the genius
maybe a beauty
even a kind person

i shouldn't compare myself so much
but i do
thats the sad truth
i feel like i lack so much
but somehow am better than the rest of you at once
this cognitive dissonance
it's like a nonstop battle
between self-loathing and self-indulgence

i just wish i could be happy
i get what i want
but its not what i wanted
i pray that i'll be happy

i'm sorry for being a bad friend

frustratingly vague
uncomfortably intense
staying up everynight
going over it again and again
how does this make me feel
why does it make me act this way
who do i wanna be
is this the right decision to make
how will i be tomorrow
am i proud of who i was today
the past does but doesn't define me
what even is the change i wanna make
am i apologizing to be nice
or do i really regret what i did
am i just so scared to be alone
i call you a friend
shattering glass in a hall of mirrors
self constructed labyrinth of confusion
looking to myself not recognizing what i see
is it love or a fleeting delusion
do i want it to work out
was i hoping for the end since we met
deep down i can't feel myself
washed right over by questions i'll regret
seeing things in ways i didn't need to
just ask myself are you sure
when no one else cares and it swallows me easily
another rock in the pile and i just keep throwing more
until i'm on top of the mountain looking down
got so high so fast and it scares me
i'll make it down eventually
and even then barely
wonder if one day i'll go too far
and i will forget where i'm from and who i am
is this making any sense just trying to gather my wits
no one ever understands

memory lane is longer than i remember
every woe felt and then forgotten
so now that i choose to look back
every good moment has turned to something rotten

a few things just are
like warmth of the sun and gentle light of the moon
the way that only wind can calm your soul
and my love for you

the many many things out of my control
everytime i forget the other stuff
another five thoughts sprout in its place

and ruin the vibe i'm trying to keep
i need to not care as much as i do
but ideas keep me frozen in place

i'm not trying to be difficult
or act like i'm special
it's just a lot and i don't know how to feel about it all

no more no more
i'm only me
and i already feel so small

your crowd is exclusive
your friends are rude
there are no excuses
for why the act like they do
their behavior is repulsive
how do you indulge it
your hand is covered in blood
so i will not hold it
i love you when we are alone
and you don't use some false identity
but you turn into an animal
when they're in the vicinity
i miss the old us
i miss you when you were you
but you changed
so what am i to do

i sleep sometimes

but most of the time
i am thinking
i'm thinking thinking thinking
boy do i think
like about how tomorrow
i am going to be around
a bunch of people
i am pretty sure don't like me
or when someone will notice
that i listened
and did exactly as they asked
and i worry about
whether or not the people at work
even want me there
whether or not my friends
even want me
even like me

i sleep sometimes
but most of the time i think

Because you’re empty
Just like me
When you don’t have love
But that’s not love
It’s poison
Laced with lust
You need something more, babe
You need trust
You need an “us”
You need
You need
You need
But you take what you want
And leave what you don’t
Treat people like this
And you always be alone
Childish as ****
But act like you grown
Too good to be true
I should’ve known
Why fight to be with someone
Who numbs me to the bone
Whose presence is worse
Than being alone
You’re drowning in pain?
Sinking like a stone?
Calling for that trick?
She only listened when you made her moan
Calling for me?
Calling me on my phone
Really think I care?
Here’s a secret; I don’t

not one for gambling