this is hard
harder than i thought
parts of me want it to work
but i feel like it will not
the balance between
needs and dreams
close enough to touch
yet too unavailable to keep
something has gotta give
can't you just make up your mind
i'm not really asking for a lot
to just know where you've drawn the line
cause i'll be needy if i'm honest
i'll be wrong if i push too far
and cold if i walk away
and embarrassed as **** when you break my heart
it's a lot of ins and outs
yet no solutions reveal themselves
i'm not asking to box you in a corner
i just want you to be true to yourself
just a icky sticky situation
i wish you'd do more if you aren't gonna leave
cause this halfway caring and broken conversation ****
is the worst kind of thing you could do to me

because i don't know what i'm doing
and i don't wanna be the girl
you laugh at with your friends
looking stupid waiting on a half truth
that means more to me
than it does to you

wanna keep things sweet
when you turned them sour
promise to play fair
then abuse your power
it was all fun and games
till your feelings got hurt
that's when all of sudden
this dynamic couldn't work

caught in the cross section of a thousand thoughts
hate me when i'm here and blame me when i'm not
always giving input never thinking to stop
and realize it's not your job
to decide what is good for me and tell me what to do
never will i ever have to go through you
to decide what is best for me which isn't even news
i am gonna do whatever i was gonna and want to do

you had me there
for a second
i cared
but now it's cold
where it used to be warm

catered to a part
of me and it almost
fooled my heart
but i let go
before you could do more

respectfully
where do you come off
thinking you can be like this to me
loneliness can cause delusions
but i'm not that desperate

have had quite a few
realizations after
crossing paths with you
it's okay that i cared
it was just for a second

one moment of weakness
that's all you'll ever be
if i'm nothing that's alright
whatever you make of me
i'm everything you said
the insults don't pack that same punch
when i know you'll always believe
whatever keeps you emotionally numb
are all those selfish reasons you live for
gonna be worth it when
everyone's left and you're broken again
tell me who's gonna save you then

you
were
perfect

at least that is how i saw you

but
now
the
image
of
you
has
shattered

into a million different pieces
because you just weren't perfect enough
to make me believe you anymore

you
couldn't
make
me
happy

wanna see beautiful things with you
breathtaking scenes and wonderful views
holding hands as i hold back my tears
in awe of the fact i'm standing right here
next to you in this moment in this place
where everything is golden and perfectly in space

if it hurts so much
just let it go
untie the weights
and up up you'll float
release the death grip
on the pain that you know
it's scary to be unsure
but it's not right to die alone
drowning is not the only option
air bubbles escaping your throat
last words being i wanted to live
but i was too afraid of the unknown

you don't get to make me feel bad for something i wanted to do
already regret feeling anything in truth
done made my heart feel stupid for seeing the potential in you
it truly falls on deaf ears when you say you're confused
how do you think i felt when you switched up on me dude
and even though you made your point through and through
i still tried to use every excuse
didn't wanna subscribe to the worldview
where you were this person who abused
the patience and trust i invested in you
but situations don't always work out how you want them to
people sometimes do things you never thought they'd do
so pardon me if i'm coming off a little rude
my outlook on love and life is pretty much ruined

i wanna be better
to deserve what i already own
you seek a higher level
to upgrade your goals
that's the major difference
between us both
i've wanted you all along
yet someday i'll be outgrown

january
was cold
was long
was full of new experiences
crying every day
not used to that kind of pain
i lost a friend
i lost many actually
but i lost someone i forgot to love
and it broke me
then i pushed away the people
who forgot to love me the way they should have

february
don't remember much
i shut down
i bled
i swelled
i burst

march
the same
and of course
i get locked in
i push myself harder than ever
then i meet someone
they hurt me
as per usual
and i meet somebody else

april
he wanted to speak to me
we grew close
i felt better

may
late night talks
no labels
but we have to be something more than friends
because friends don't speak to each other like this
there couldn't be another
i have his attention

june
she comes back i think
he distances
of course
as she is beautiful
and more manipulative
and they were meant for each other
i just didn't know it yet
he drifts

july
we don't speak
i am heartbroken over someone
who chose to let me go
and not even discuss it
we talk again but i can't forget how it felt
to be forgotten
people forget to love one another
we fall off again i think
not sure
a lot is fuzzy
he made it confusing
all i know is by the time

august
rolled around
we were over
and life burned out
lost two brothers
one to distance
one to methods
i don't prefer to discuss
it broke me
it all gets fuzzy again
i just remember screaming
and hurting
and not knowing what to do with the pain inside
pushing on
and doing what was expected of me
and oh
i graduated some time back
how funny the real milestones are forgotten

september
i meet him
he's new
he's something else
he's the best thing for me at the time
he tries
and that's more than anyone else could or would do for me
this helps

october
was chilly
fuzzy
nice
we grew close
it hurt but
i think i've blocked all of that out

november
by this time i'm sure we argued
cause we did at some point
i was still hurting
and refused to trust him
i don't still to this day to be honest
but i just remember feeling too ugly to love
and that is a horrible way to feel
when you need someone the most

december
cold
chills to the bone
empty holidays
of course there are things to make me happy
but i remember this time last year
and all the things that haunted me then
still haunting me now
bad friends
bad choices
people i cared for who misused my trust
and abandoned me for what
not much
januaryfebruary
march and april
i'm scared to grow up
and live another year
sometimes it only seems like
pain is the only thing waiting for me

is there a hole
in my lungs
i've never felt
before now?

and just like good people get hurt
mistreated in ways they don't deserve
innocents cut down for show
for a pound of flesh they didn't owe
i know the world will never be fair
when we need somebody they're never there
but i pray you never forget that i'd love you through hell
when i can't break the distance in time to
tell you myself

wound up
prim and taut
pulling strings
don't get caught

fork in the road
either way *****
but i know
it's all for the best
either i get what i want
or i don't
i have to live with
whatever happens next

it feels like if i
don't take the leap
i only hurt myself
but saying these things
and owning these feelings
feels a lot like hurting myself

but thats just cause
i'm throwing myself out of the comfort zone
cause it's easy to love the pain you know
all i knew when i woke up today
was that something here has got to change

and its like
what else can i do
or should i do
am i doing too much
or too little
getting excited for what
i'm so tired of myself
and the expectations that loom

if all else fails
i have my dreams
but those get ruined
even in the silence i don't want to keep

i just don't belong
but there is nothing wrong
with that at all
it isn't my fault
i was just born this way
and that is okay
if you don't like me
i'll be understanding
i might try accommodate you a little more
but i won't conform
i won't change for you
because you can't say you would change for me too

the power to manifest
has really messed
with my ability
to trust myself
like is this a game
was that a test
or am i reading too deep
like an idiot
are you really real
or are you just the best
thing my brain could muster up
in a fit of rest
do i want too much
or am i trying too hard
what do i deserve
or am i already too scarred
i'm trying to do what's right
and become what's good
even though that's hard
and i'm too good
at pretending ****'s fine
when it's absolutely not
just three of us in this room
my regrets my hope and my thoughts

bitten by
the same snake twice
even said please
a perfect crime
blood trickles slowly
venom spiked
down my sleeve
from my eyes
i know it won't help
but i apply the ice
i know i won't heal
overnight
but it's easier
to believe that lie
than admit i knew that
you were gonna bite
saw the chance
****** me dry
my suspicions
were always right
but i thought the rush
was worth my life
at least i did
at the time
now as i lie here
paralyzed
i know i underestimated you
played a ***** fight