ten million feelings
just one you
it doesn't add up

staring knowing i'm useless
running through options
maybe if i check one more time
reality might have changed

but you're bleeding profusely
and i can't find a way to stop it
always shooting for another try
in a losing game

watching feeling like a sad excuse
if i can't save you
what can i do

waiting hoping good things will come
soon enough
before you succumb

just want you to be happy
willing to sacrifice these objects
and give you the care i can
but objects are few yet needed

if you would have me
with my intentions and regrets
and help me understand
why you're so ceded

not trying to poke
or defile your throne
only wish to know

you remind me
of all the good things
i am usually to distracted to see


and i just wanna give you the same thing

wound up
prim and taut
pulling strings
don't get caught

twiddling thumbs
swore you were done
up and down
told everyone
but you're still screaming
over something so teeny
praying to whatever god there is
to pretty please free me

you know they say love is blind
all your red flags up on display
with thousands of views
you ****** with my head
now i feel so alone and used

you said you wanted me
you lied through your teeth
you said you wanted me
that you would never leave
and now i'm left here so ******* confused

look at all my insecurities
now on display for the world to see
you made me feel useless
left to clean up this mess
once again

you said you wanted me
you lied through your **** teeth
you said you wanted me
that you would never leave
look at me sitting here struggling to breathe

i told you how i felt
you still show no remorse or guilt
still no response
no spontaneous admission of love
that i wish your heart felt
look at me picking up my pieces once again
the distance ruined what could have been




red flags that were somehow not seen
when you said you wanted me
when you promised to never leave
you lied through your **** teeth
and you know it

trusted you with with my insecurities
thought we were sharing vulnerability
now as i struggle to breathe
it's out in the open for all to see
and you condone it

yes
you control it
if you feel guilty
you don't show it
facade never cracks
not for a moment

yes
i should've known it
with most of these feelings
i've outgrown them
nonetheless i'm here
but i don't wanna own it

i told you how i felt
still no response, still no guilt, no remorse
no attempts at reaching out from your end

no spontaneous admission of love
look at me picking up my pieces once again
the distance ruined what could have been

i've taken some time
and gave it some thought
fit the pieces all together
then pulled them all apart
looking for answers
and finding none
some things can't be explained
to the brain or the heart
i tried to understand
why you can't feel the same
but i can't psychoanalyze you
without ruining the mental image of who i think you are

caught in the cross section of a thousand thoughts
hate me when i'm here and blame me when i'm not
always giving input never thinking to stop
and realize it's not your job
to decide what is good for me and tell me what to do
never will i ever have to go through you
to decide what is best for me which isn't even news
i am gonna do whatever i was gonna and want to do

i feel horrid since i'm not perfect
cracked in a visible place
i wish i could be everything you dream of
every flaw i feel erased
but that's not even possible
i'll have to live with this instead
i'll never be anything like
that girl in your head

if it hurts so much
just let it go
untie the weights
and up up you'll float
release the death grip
on the pain that you know
it's scary to be unsure
but it's not right to die alone
drowning is not the only option
air bubbles escaping your throat
last words being i wanted to live
but i was too afraid of the unknown

the day
i have the motivation
to do anything not required of me
you'll all be doomed

they say you deserve love
even if you've experienced trauma
and react in horrid ways because of it
i'm sorry that it's hard to believe anyone would love me
after all that i've been through
and even now that's still how i feel
i will never be someone's favorite person
or first choice
or second
or third
unless i've got something to give
i'm a last resort
don't tell me that's not true
because you do it too
don't tell me to feel better
and think it'll work just because you said so
your words mean so much
and so little at the same time

the power to manifest
has really messed
with my ability
to trust myself
like is this a game
was that a test
or am i reading too deep
like an idiot
are you really real
or are you just the best
thing my brain could muster up
in a fit of rest
do i want too much
or am i trying too hard
what do i deserve
or am i already too scarred
i'm trying to do what's right
and become what's good
even though that's hard
and i'm too good
at pretending ****'s fine
when it's absolutely not
just three of us in this room
my regrets my hope and my thoughts

you
were
perfect

at least that is how i saw you

but
now
the
image
of
you
has
shattered

into a million different pieces
because you just weren't perfect enough
to make me believe you anymore

you
couldn't
make
me
happy

friendly but not friends
i see you got new friends
shame this is how it ends
am i okay? well that depends
are you trying to fight with me again
or is genuine concern your intent?

don't **** with the vibes that you send
can't bring myself to love you again
can't lie, can't pretend
can't try to be your friend

needing you leaves me feeling condemned
wanting you is my constant torment
what you said is what you meant
you said that you loved me then
you say we could be close again
what you say is to fix what you bent

trying to be friendly but i'm arguing again
always on the defense
waiting for you to go with your other friends
why can't you see why this has to end?

we didn't even date
and here i am crying
say that i'm just great
don't even care if i'm lying
i let this be okay
it's my fault i'm dying
i let you take and take
didn't fight the gaslighting
now we're face to face
but i don't feel like fighting
but you got things to say
must find my fear exciting
i just wanna walk away
but you plant yourself beside me
this doesn't have to graduate
beyond the need to spite me
i'm tired after a long day
already treaded lightly
at this point you're acting vain
there is no need to find me
no need to stay
and find new ways to fright me

you already won this game
i'm begging you untie me

flashy keys
and demon cars
speed off into the sunset
you'll get very far
walking on these rotting feet
i'll be luck to make it a mile
judge me for my progress
when you have no reason not to smile
everything is handed to you
you choose to involve yourself in drama
i'm working and scraping all that i can
while trying to outrun my trauma
it hurts that you think
that you feel you can compare
my experience to yours
i've never even shared
the half of the truth
yet you think you can input
i've worked very hard to get where i am
refuse to be crushed under your foot
you're to conditioned to see
the privilege you have
i've got no body supporting me
have my own back

oh he knows
yeah he definitely knows
he's only ever heard that once before
when it jumped out of my throat
and it crawled under his skin
where it still lives
i'm happy he's uncomfortable
he shouldn't be able to live with it

fork in the road
either way *****
but i know
it's all for the best
either i get what i want
or i don't
i have to live with
whatever happens next

it feels like if i
don't take the leap
i only hurt myself
but saying these things
and owning these feelings
feels a lot like hurting myself

but thats just cause
i'm throwing myself out of the comfort zone
cause it's easy to love the pain you know
all i knew when i woke up today
was that something here has got to change

and its like
what else can i do
or should i do
am i doing too much
or too little
getting excited for what
i'm so tired of myself
and the expectations that loom

if all else fails
i have my dreams
but those get ruined
even in the silence i don't want to keep

choking on my emotions
covering the cough
don't think it's contagious
but just in case its not
trust me when i say
you don't want what i've got