am i toxic
or am i right
that's how you like it
when i put up a fight

but i don't want to be right
i want to be alive

**** the blood off my teeth
i let myself get this weak
slithered through the gapes
bit down as soon as it was safe
waited till i was comfortable
at my most vulnerable
you knew i wouldn't survive
but if it makes you feel alive
there is nothing you wouldn't do

you know they say love is blind
all your red flags up on display
with thousands of views
you ****** with my head
now i feel so alone and used

you said you wanted me
you lied through your teeth
you said you wanted me
that you would never leave
and now i'm left here so ******* confused

look at all my insecurities
now on display for the world to see
you made me feel useless
left to clean up this mess
once again

you said you wanted me
you lied through your **** teeth
you said you wanted me
that you would never leave
look at me sitting here struggling to breathe

i told you how i felt
you still show no remorse or guilt
still no response
no spontaneous admission of love
that i wish your heart felt
look at me picking up my pieces once again
the distance ruined what could have been




red flags that were somehow not seen
when you said you wanted me
when you promised to never leave
you lied through your **** teeth
and you know it

trusted you with with my insecurities
thought we were sharing vulnerability
now as i struggle to breathe
it's out in the open for all to see
and you condone it

yes
you control it
if you feel guilty
you don't show it
facade never cracks
not for a moment

yes
i should've known it
with most of these feelings
i've outgrown them
nonetheless i'm here
but i don't wanna own it

i told you how i felt
still no response, still no guilt, no remorse
no attempts at reaching out from your end

no spontaneous admission of love
look at me picking up my pieces once again
the distance ruined what could have been

blue spilling out across my mind
it was easy enough to find
swallowed by the memory
called it too close to get out fine
without scraping the sides
and burning myself alive
with the feelings i still have
running back into the fire
it's not fair to my heart
but i have to try
i know you don't care anymore
but these memories are also still mine

that pocket of reality
where you still want me
is where my brain idles when i finally get a break

it's counterproductive
but it helps me function
despite all of the excuses i continue to make

no you never promised
and if i'm being honest
i suffocate in all the things you would never say

it's that fact that you can lie
and i just have to let it slide
because you owe me nothing even if i don't like it that way

and what's one more crime
circle around the block another time
collateral of the path of destruction left in your wake

it's easy to be dumb
but now i'm harder than i was
and one day i won't even care about this pain

or at least i hope

i swear to god
i swear to ******* god
oh god what have i done

the manifestation
my rotten imagination
think i'm gonna throw up

you dont understand
how such thoughts can
break someone down to nothing

i'm not strong enough for this
i'm too tired to throw a fit
just keep finding things to take from me

and you giggle as i mourn
its okay if it get broken
as long as it's not yours
i didn't ask to be born
i didn't want it to come to this
but we're here whether or not we like it
but you make it impossible
for me to live
because you ruin everything i'm still living for

you had me there
for a second
i cared
but now it's cold
where it used to be warm

catered to a part
of me and it almost
fooled my heart
but i let go
before you could do more

respectfully
where do you come off
thinking you can be like this to me
loneliness can cause delusions
but i'm not that desperate

have had quite a few
realizations after
crossing paths with you
it's okay that i cared
it was just for a second

one moment of weakness
that's all you'll ever be
if i'm nothing that's alright
whatever you make of me
i'm everything you said
the insults don't pack that same punch
when i know you'll always believe
whatever keeps you emotionally numb
are all those selfish reasons you live for
gonna be worth it when
everyone's left and you're broken again
tell me who's gonna save you then

i'm trying to understand
be patient with me
really outdid yourself this time

can't reach far enough
to jump to the conclusions
that would make any of this alright

wrong names and tiring games
changing your mind
in the middle of the night

the universe
just really wanted me to know
that the only thing i can get from someone like you is a pretty lie

and short-lived one at that
can't even keep the ruse up
long enough for me be hypnotized

letting the anesthesia wear off
before you bleed me dry
cause you get pleasure from watching the last of my hope die

past discretions
burned-in sights
carnal pleasures
easy fights
you picked on me
cause you knew that i

would crumble beneath
your lightest touch
like teasing incessantly
and taking too much
my softest intentions
crumpled up

this is hard
harder than i thought
parts of me want it to work
but i feel like it will not
the balance between
needs and dreams
close enough to touch
yet too unavailable to keep
something has gotta give
can't you just make up your mind
i'm not really asking for a lot
to just know where you've drawn the line
cause i'll be needy if i'm honest
i'll be wrong if i push too far
and cold if i walk away
and embarrassed as **** when you break my heart
it's a lot of ins and outs
yet no solutions reveal themselves
i'm not asking to box you in a corner
i just want you to be true to yourself
just a icky sticky situation
i wish you'd do more if you aren't gonna leave
cause this halfway caring and broken conversation ****
is the worst kind of thing you could do to me

because i don't know what i'm doing
and i don't wanna be the girl
you laugh at with your friends
looking stupid waiting on a half truth
that means more to me
than it does to you

why don't you say it again
say it again
or are you scared
why won't you say it again
we can't stay friends
said you never cared

burnt the **** out
can't even worry about
those things i swore i couldn't forget
are distant from me now
but pain fades away slow
and while the physical sensation goes
the psychic damage lingers
and i remain haunted by what i know
i'm stuck in this place that reminds me
of all the worst moments of my life
too helpless to do good for myself
and too exhausted to make things right
i can't tell what's worse
caring too much or not being able to care
i would be more than happy to help you out
if i even had the heart to spare

maybe i feel used
because i was used
maybe it hurts so much
cause i would never do that to you
i try to make sense
but i know that it's *******
don't come around me after this
asking for forgiveness

you ruined everything
i hope you're happy

misshapen
graceless
beauty for a price
i wanted
to make it
but i fell just shy
much shy
too high
to buy
your love
but mine
is here
if you'd like
for now
i'll just die
as another
catches your eye
i'm nothing
if i'm not fine
i'm nothing
when your not mine

getting that one last word in
before the door gets slammed
ignoring boundaries
crushing hands
spitting on my shirt
contorting to rage
i know the signs
i read your face
hours of interrogation
my answers don't change
i understand where you're coming from
but i still feel the same

caught in the cross section of a thousand thoughts
hate me when i'm here and blame me when i'm not
always giving input never thinking to stop
and realize it's not your job
to decide what is good for me and tell me what to do
never will i ever have to go through you
to decide what is best for me which isn't even news
i am gonna do whatever i was gonna and want to do

disingenuous
never letting us be real
calloused hands on a fragile heart
just wanted to see how it would feel
now i lie in a pool of my own humanity
gasping on a lie
black holes staring to the sky
learning that this is the part where i die
because to love you meant to
love myself
you dont want me
and it ruins my mental health
putting it all down
all for naught
saying it's okay
when it's clearly not
just touch me and burn me
and take me with
if you're gonna leave me for dead
give me one last kiss
i'll never forgive myself
i could never blame you
just bleeding waiting dissociating
what you're just not willing to do
if only you cared if only i didn't
pining for a lonely death it seems
in the end i'll get what i asked for won't i
to love but not be loved is misery

hush for just a second
i'm trying to remember every promise i've ever made
and if doing this would hurt
too much or the ones i love or make it all okay
whispers say to do it
before i lose another thing i can't replace
wondering how could one sleep
when they never feel safe
i just wanted one thing
well maybe more but nothing insane
just the ones i love to be happy
and not being so worried about tomorrow i can't enjoy today
but everything i've loved
has gotten snatched away

i don't listen but i hear
all the awful things my own mind says

but a thread in the rope
yet you still choke
it's not on me though
everyone gloats
if thats what you have to say
to feel okay
to deal with the shame
be that way
having an empty heart
and covering scars
won't get you far
but thats the game sweetheart

staring knowing i'm useless
running through options
maybe if i check one more time
reality might have changed

but you're bleeding profusely
and i can't find a way to stop it
always shooting for another try
in a losing game

watching feeling like a sad excuse
if i can't save you
what can i do

waiting hoping good things will come
soon enough
before you succumb

just want you to be happy
willing to sacrifice these objects
and give you the care i can
but objects are few yet needed

if you would have me
with my intentions and regrets
and help me understand
why you're so ceded

not trying to poke
or defile your throne
only wish to know

you remind me
of all the good things
i am usually to distracted to see


and i just wanna give you the same thing

stain won't lift
let it sit
for too long
and now it's stuck

you wanted to win
but you wouldn't give in
you couldn't be wrong
now you're **** out of luck

it's getting bad again
memories bubbling under skin
can't always be strong
especially if you give a ****

said it was nice to hear my voice
if only just for a couple seconds
but you also said you wouldn't let secrets ruin us
and you still let them
so it's hard to feel happy in the moment
or when i remember the obsession
you got to leave and be okay
while i sunk into depression
you'll never know what it's like
on the other side of rejection
it's a whole lot sadder than missing someone
you decided to abandon
and a whole lot harder than
getting lonely enough to send a message
you knew what you were doing
when you came this direction
lucky enough to feel hope
but it's so misdirected

that it's kinda sad
you should go back
and i'll pretend this didn't happen
because we can't go back
why don't you know that
you can't always be the exception
and when you were
you let it burn
so don't miss what you ****** up
'but it really really hurts'
but that's what you felt i deserved
how it feels to be so unworthy of love

they say don't smile in your mugshot
but i regret not a thing i did
people like him
deserve what they get
i didnt even mean to
but i'm not mad it happened
and if that's a sin
i think i could live with it

i haven't felt a thing
for the past five years
i know that's exaggerating
but while you're still here
i'm gonna take advantage
of the rush you bring
it can only be so good
but that is enough for me