now that our stories are black and white
and love is an act of defiance rather than a state of grace
i don't see how we ever came together
or find reason in the distance we made
before this became what it is now
all i feel is the gap between
your doubtless simple comprehension
and my drowning senseless indecision
our bounds could never meet

sure came close though
but if i really listened
i would have heard the first cannon fire
but who am i kidding

of course i heard it
but i held my tongue out of guilt
can we really burn bridges we never built?

the only communications i receive are spam and scams
nobody could tell you where i am
i'm lonely but i'm free

spent the day trying to feel something new but failed
i retraced my closing wounds and staled
like the dishes in my sink

every day it's something and every week just flies right through
every month every year every second without you
i'm starting to lose my steam

i used to move mountains and now i don't want to turn over
because my body hurts and somethings digging in my shoulder
and my arm just fell asleep

quite pitiful but i suppose i'm coming to a stop
somehow miraculously found my off
too young to feel this heavy

but my bones are tired and my eyes close themselves
why does dying sound easier than all of this hell
a girl can only dream

its just that
it's all wrong

i don't cry anymore
missing you feels like being kicked in the stomach
every single part of this hurts
even though i guess its what i wanted

i dont regret protecting myself
or trying for as long as i did
i'm looking back now so unsure
and it distorts as i try to re-remember it

i'd like to say it's not the separation
but more about how you just packed up and left me
with not even a conversation or true warning
i still don't believe you'd just forget me

but as each new day passes
and you ignore my existence
i grow more accustomed to loneliness
coming to terms with it
it doesn't mean i don't miss you
even if i wish i didn't

to be just like you
surrounded and indignant
when you finally spoke up
you said you'd never need my forgiveness
i didn't want an apology
i just needed someone to listen

and from what i knew
i thought that could and would be you
but you won't see me anymore

i think i'm gonna be sick
i thought about it
and i realized something new
i've been doing that a lot recently

in the moment you can push on
but in hindsight every aspect can be magnified
individual actions scrupled upon
like never before

disssecting a microcosm of a major failure
who's i don't know
but i am realizing just how broken i am
and how much you never gave me
compared to how much you have to give

i wish i hadn't given it my all
not when you couldn't imagine what that's like
i'm having new realizations
but i keep asking who am i
i didn't have the chances to get so far
as to understand one singular thing about myself

hope you can appreciate all you have
and all you'll never feel

i could sit here and curse you
but it wouldn't be honest
held on to us so tight
that when you left me i lost it
and when i fell in the spiral
you watched as i circled away
with the tears and reasons
then plugged up the drain
so i sit in my darkness
alone for the first time since we met
and i oscillate between emotions
anger sadness regret
stuck in a cycle
of wanting to return to what's safe
then remembering that now
it could never be the same
so i sit in the black hole
that was once us
and choke on my tongue
burn it with love
a word i don't think i know
enough to have used it so freely
that's why i'm thrashing around
as the last of it leaves me

and i know it's not the end of the world
but i'm hyperventilating and my vision is cracked
i'm too young to feel so chewed up
yet everything fades to black
almost died for something i never had
and i cry as i spread my brother's ash
i'm not special and i know that
the world is gonna get a whole lot smaller
before it's get bigger and i know that
and i know i've still got so much to learn

i could sit here and curse you
but it wouldn't be right
i'm valid in my pain
but it's no reason to fight
cause i'll never be proud
of making do than doing well
and hating you with all my soul
won't make me love myself
in this time of fortitude
i want to do more than cling to my weapons
being brave doesn't mean 'winning'
maybe letting go is the best lesson

congratulations and farewell
oh the stories we both could tell
but that would be in bad taste

goodbye and good riddance
you grew fond of my permissance
and now you recoil seeing my face

whatever happened
may never be clear
if erasure is what you want
for the last 5 years
that's honestly really sad

i can't stop you
but i can grow on
when you're ready
i'll be long gone
and it'll be just too ******* bad

i see the storm clouds rolling in
should probably head back in
but my afternoon has just begun
and i didn't get to see anyone
i'm being stubborn and careless
just to be out on the terrace
soaking up the last of dancing rays
in the last of my suffering days
i really oughta close the window
but i like how it feels when the wind blows
i didn't feel anything for a long long time
and its selfish but who cares if i die
at least i died free
if it were following my wishes
the last you'd see of me

taking the cowards exit
because to hate is easier than to love from afar
and how can i hurt myself like that
when you knowingly broke my heart

i tell myself i'm allowed to change
i think i just say that to feel okay
with everything that has happened
yet i still feel drained

i can live with myself
if i end up being wrong
but what if i can't find a purpose
once you're gone

i tell myself i'm young
and i wont get it right the first time
but i only have so many chances
before i **** up my life

i am just a human being
life goes on despite the season
feelings change without good reason
i love you but we're not meeting
where it really counts

in dreams i'm kissing other people
at parties i get too ****** up so you have to come get me
you can't tell me why you love me
and it makes it hard to sleep
guess i'm a problem now

two years in and i hate to think
that my consciousness is splitting as we speak
there may still be hope but we
don't wanna be the one to uproot the peace

we've found in the monotony and unwantedness
deep down i want to believe you are the one but something's amiss
you don't touch me the way that you used to
and i can tell exactly why i love you

long silence
i dont want to tell you how i feel
i don't think you'd understand
and worse
what if i hurt you

if i hurt myself
will you flinch
we used to be like one
but now you're one of them
what happened
to us

i play with my food
then throw it away
the idea of nurturing myself disgusts me
and you're doing great
it's not the same
when there's no us

and maybe it's wrong
to carry on this way
but i don't feel weightless anymore
and my heart thinks you're to blame
one day i'm angry
and the next i'm depressed
today i've given up
hollow in the chest
sometimes i'm gracious
and i can see the good in it all
but today i'm feeding the negativity
i cannot say it's not your fault

and i hate it
but it's your fault
i shouldn't say it
but IT IS YOUR FAULT

𝘪𝘵 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘩𝘢𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘸𝘢𝘺

comraderie feels so abrasive
honesty invasive
when i know you're only talking to me out of pity

isolation feels the safest
so i hope don't you take this
the wrong way but what do you want with me

because if the interaction was pure
why do i feel cored when it's through
my peace for yours
the tradeoff feels tainted and skewed

kinda wish you hadn't asked
or tried to swat away my storm clouds
be content with what you have
and i'll grieve the way my heart allows

your kindness not taken for granted
but i feel how i feel even if you don't understand it

think me oversensitive or unreasonable if you must
but i need loyalty and genuity and intensity and trust

and what can you give but fodder
why even bother

i think i just lost the purpose of my life
and you think you can just tell me it'll be alright

just cut me even deeper if you'd like
if that's the way it is

everything reminds me of something else
i'm always missing somebody or some time
it's so easy to fill the empty spaces
with your sunken face

it's true when they say time is not your friend
that you got to love them while they're still here
you think you have forever
endless chances to be together

until you get the call or find out through the others
when's the last time you remembered to say i love you
now i'm always afraid to forget what's most important
to the point that my peace has become thwarted

and i don't know where youre buried
and i won't ask any questions to those who might know more
because i'm probably low on the list of those grieving
though my threshold for loss is teeming

i won't stop remembering you
even though it would easier to call it and cut my losses
i couldn't even if i wanted to
how could anyone forget about you

hot wind blows through my hair
i was angry before i didn't care
the circumstances left me bare
and i just had to leave it there
my hopes and dreams for us two
all the love i had for you
fades from black and blue
i'm experiencing something new
more surreal and vivid than i ever have
i wished that you had had my back
but now i never want what we had back
why would i settle for that
when i see something brighter on the horizon
my energy as a whole has brightened
the burden of nurturing others lightened
fresh and free and so excited
each day that passes makes it further away
flowers blooming on a months old grave
i'd never have known if i had stayed
i dont wanna sleep anymore days away

finally
i want to be awake for this next part
the future is almost

i don't want no party
bury me alive
swallow your sorries
and finally do something right
it's too late to care
what your actions can lead to
and it's too much to ask
for me to live for you
i kept all my promises
now i want to be free
you don't get to
take this away from me
i don't want no ******* party
incineration is fine by me
if you feel like you should've been nicer
you won't get cry to me
one last time for mercy
my absence won't set you free
if you feel like you should've thought twice
before you murdered me
with your lack of thought and love
maybe you should have
it's funny when its gone
that you finally want it back

these little things
i've barely accumulated
i've shared beyond self-interest
the truth is complicated
because i gave you these things
wanting someone else to hold them as close as i have
seems you took them and ran
and i shouldn't want them back
but i genuinely wish you could and would
that i'd be removed from your after credits
that since you ruined almost everything i have
you'd let me have my wits
but no
you are simmering with flippant disregard
ungrateful for what this took for me
emotionless as i can't compete
hope you can be that closed off when they have to bury me

don't cry now
i waited for you to love me
don't feel bad now
you should have cared while i was here
and no it's not just your fault
but it sure snowballed into an avalanche
and maybe if i could just never see you again
i could have tried to make it work
but you just love rubbing it in
the things i barely had
i never want to trust again
i'm dying of cold and lack

you can call me an indian giver
i catch the blame and hate regardless
and you can have back your rare occurrences and slivers
i started with nothing and now i have far less

i don't know what to feel
skipping through varied presentations
from unmatchedly detached
to being suspended in world-bending self realization

jumping realities
like seats on a bus
the one where i mattered
others i wane to discuss

trying to find meaning
where there may be none
assumptions are the extension
of problems i can't outrun

even in my dreams
i'm turning on the spit
no repose from settling finalities
mulling us over until we're but its and bits

but i'm still breathing
but i'm still bleeding
day after day
belonging is fleeting

maybe i'll rubberband into a new normal
or maybe i'll snap trying
all i know is i can't just be here doing nothing
it almost feels like dying

i don't know what to feel
it's foolish to speak out of frustration
but the lonelier i am, the scarier it gets
is it wrong to hope i'm not invisible in my devastation

   𝐡𝐮𝐬𝐡!
my fairweather friends are calling
i'll just let the phone ring and ring and ring
i'm too tired to be Me™
when everything is not what it seems
  genuity don't mean a thing
  did it ever really
  was it nothing more than pity
  off to make some other history
     would you claim this as a victory
     are my questions falling worthlesssly on deaf ears
     i never want to see you again
     and i wish you were here







uiɐɓɐ sɐʍ ʇi ʎɐʍ ǝɥʇ ǝq ɹǝʌǝu uɐɔ ʇi

i dont hate you
i just can't be near you
for you bring the past alongside questions

if i wanted to erase you
i would have done so in a heartbeat
i would have done it long before your presence

here today thats also permeated in my mind
you might not be the loss of my life
but you are more than just a lesson

i can make do
but i can't ignore my feelings
and where we can't meet we have to make concessions

and if i have to let you go
and when it breaks my heart
i guess i'll have to let it

i can love from afar
but i can't love you half as hard
things can change when you least expect it

but the good outlives the bad
the best times we ever had
i do truly cherish every second

we shared and i always will
but even though i care i might have to ****
the part of me that wants to correct this

maybe we've outgrown our spot
before these roots rot
let's try to save ourselves the infection



bury what you can't carry
a kiss for what you'll miss
a tear for the fears that came true

a shaking fist to the sky
i can say i tried
but i can never answer for you

so i lay down my offerings
my last intentions and pray
that we can make right from wrong

and that if we can't
we can find peace in an ending
and cleanly move on


oh what ever will it be

there's something i can't reconcile
a fear hastily dismissed
i'm afraid of being the person i am
of a mistake that can't be fixed

perpetually sorry
awfully hardly
barely starting
to make up for all that i've done wrong

what is my burden
the punishment deserved and
the consequences i'm certain
will never amount to enough to feel okay to move on

while i'm sure i'm being dire
the awareness sheds no grief
castigated by my own thoughts
i couldn't walk away even if i was free

the things i didnt do
laid their claim on me
and the ones i did anyway
despite understanding
dig into me constantly
consciously
and when i feign peace
unconsciously

i never wanted to fight
it never makes a difference
it never fixed my problems
i never bought into existence

but then we met
and for while there i thought i saw a reason
or felt purpose or sensed a future
yet never came to that season

and now you're fading
faster than i can delude myself
into fighting for what's left
or asking for your help

i never wanted to fight
and i don't think we can change what's coming
i love you and i wanted it to work
but sometimes all you've done is just for nothing

we lost

i've said too much
i emptied the bottle
can't pour it back it in
now that i've spilled it all out
so in the mess i reside
the puddle i've made of my life
i wade knee deep in problems
i've only made worse by opening my mouth

sometimes i wish
my lips would fall off
and my teeth would meld together
and my tongue would wither away
maybe then i could know what it's like
to stay out of my own way

i feel like everyone knows everything
and nothing at all
i think too much
i try to share my thoughts
but they never come out right
so i'm just fighting for my life
and ruining it
all at the same time

when i think about your ex
it makes me want to die
the messages you sent
the last time she made you cry
i know there's nothing left
i know it's only me
but in the back of my mind
it's a thought i hate think

the pictures you never deleted
the bond you never healed
the things i shouldn't be curious about
i'm entranced in the pain it makes me feel

thinking about the time before us
when i was in pain
and you were in love
i know thats it only me now
but i can't help but wonder
are you just keeping me around
to banish thoughts of her
when i'm not in the front of your mind
do you go back to before
you never answered my questions
you never did anything wrong either
i just sometimes get the impression

you aren't where you want to be
when you are with me
and i hate to think
it's because i cant make you feel the way she did

i did nothing today
i sat in my thoughts
like i didn't have a choice
but i did, did i not

and in the past
i'm not consoled
in the present
i've lost control
i love the ones
i never told
i leave behind
the ones i'm supposed to know
in the heat of the moment
awareness goes
out of the
metaphorical window
i just feel the heat
and the rumble in my bones
a burning sensation
as the words scrape my throat
and after i've lost my voice
and the moment implodes
we all go home
and i never gloat
because winning is losing
when you're all alone

so i nurse the wounds
and try to move
but even if i
apologize to you
our problems arent as simple
as talking things through
i walked away but you threw the first punch
both are true

but im almost willing
to take all of the blame
if i dont have waste
another day
feeling like you might die
and it ended this way

and i know thats
morbid as **** to worry about
but it's happened before
and i'm scared to find out
you're gone
and i was too proud
to figure **** out
or let my guard down
in the fight to be right
i feel like i might let you down

it's conflicting
knowing how much you've hurt me
and wanting you to see that pain
wanting you to take it away
in the way only you can
by understanding why it hurt
in the first place
but also wanting to live this life together
before we've gotten that far

i can't let you think its okay
but i can't let you walk away
i'm afraid
i did nothing today

if i've already broken the situation down to bits
  and rearranged and switched the roles to try and make sense
    what makes you think i didn't reflect on why i did what i did

who do you think you are to jump down my throat
   like you've never failed to take the high road
     like the world is based on everything you know

i did the work to break the habits
    i humanized the people i couldn't forgive
just to be corrected on my trauma
then told i'm taking it personally
    as if there was any other way to take it

i owned my mistakes
   but i refused to take all the blame
and if you think that's what i need to do
if you really feel that way
   what price is it you want me to pay

i already lost
i already caved
i can never get back
what i lost along the way
i remember how i could have done better
everyday
i don't need your help
feeling the pain

and i don't need your input
on how i've healed
i don't need to know
how my decisions make you feel
you should reflect on yourself
and leave me to my own
i have tried to keep it nice
but you're truly coming close

to that point people don't come back from

your crimes bleed through me
like wine on the carpet
was traumatizing me
your only target
had so many walls up
that'd have crumbled for a gentle soul
you don't care about my pain
just carve yourself a glory hole
and **** me over
ruin my self perception
i am wilted and spoiled
gagging at my own reflection
my lips are not my lips
they're where your lips touched mine
my hips were just grips
your fingerprints stain my thighs
you tarnished my being
and want me to think it's my fault
but all of this devastation is yours
i'm just stuck with the rot

i guess it never goes away
that's what i was afraid of
the shame pervades
forgiveness is not enough
you probably don't think of me now
i don't even think you did during the worst of it all
kicked by indifference and racked with doubt
did you mean to make me feel this small

because i still lose sleep
sweating cold in different sheets
i pushed you away from me
but not before it cost my fragility
the price of being naive

there was this song i listened to
where the girl was too young to be haunted
and it made me think of you
and the feeling of being hunted
and sacrificed
for a moment of belonging
in the midst of loneliness
your smile seemed so disarming

now i know you were lying through your teeth
you were never in step with me
cause you get what you came for then ultimately leave
bet you don't feel any better without the closure you dont know you need
i'm still over here losing precious sleep

lately it's almost like
i am losing my hold
though i've never had a grip
i had some control
but now i'm slipping
and i'm afraid to know
the consequences of my actions
what happens when you don't let go

realizations hit me
reacting too quickly
it's like the good endings skip me
each new outcome is sickening
i don't want to be a pick me
but i just want someone to pick me

taking a step back
but it didn't help that much
i have to leave this existence
and that distance might still not be enough
but for now i just feel coughed up
all my edges rough
underneath all of my negativity
i swear there is love

it's just when all the realizations hit me
i spin out and react too quickly
my best intentions now feel dingy
i just wanted someone with me
but in my mission for someone to pick me
my own image has become almost sickening
not too far gone
but nearly lost
hate to loathe
it always leads to seeming alone

even if i wish i could receive my own effort in return
that's not what it's all about
i should be a better person by now

there never was an expectation
just a hope that you might care
i didn't demand salvation
there were no handcuffs on your chair
cause you have to sit with your actions anyways
i don't need control over anyone else
i just wanted to feel safe
i wasn't even seeking help

now there's ugly words
and blocked aggression
spit on the bridge
i received the message
even in the eleventh hour
i move with discretion
something you wouldn't understand
i burn in convalescence

i realized i didn't need permission
to move on
or have to wait for forgiviness
when i did nothing wrong
except for being young
and having trust
in people who i should've denied
i spent months
trying to pick the pieces up
dust to dust
until i realized i never really needed your love

i cared for a while
for years
i was stout in denial
and watched my deepest fears
come to life one by one
everyone had their fun
tearing me down at my weakest
like i didn't try hard enough
like i deserved to feel so scuffed
i'd never hurt this much

and i've never felt this bad
or since
it all just tore me right in half
and where were my 'friends'
while i mourned myself
i needed help
you saw the moment as a chance
to cleanse yourself
i didn't want anything else
but of course you still brought me hell

and now you hate me
for walking away
i can still hear you complaining
because my existence must have caused you so much pain
remind me again
how i dont know what i said
that i'm awful and deplorable
i forget the rest

i'm ******* glad i left

i hate to admit it
  but i wish you were dead
i didn't before
  but now i'm absolutely fed
up with the abuse
  cause you break what you can't take
and you already took so much
  yet you're still fueled by hate

  i waited and prayed
  even though i grew impatient
  and i don't believe in your god
i compromised and forgave
someone who never stopped harming me
just to say i gave it a shot

  because my whole life
  you've told me it's my fault
  for not doing everything you asked
i buried myself
and pushed so hard to do it right
even while you held me back

  i was only twelve
  what did you want
  i couldn't figure it out the first time
now i'm an adult
i don't have to do it anymore
yet you still wreak havoc on my life

you take
and what you can't take you break
and i hate to say it
but i wish you would just die
and when i see that day
i'll still cry by your grave
but in a hug where i've buried my face
i'll hide the smallest smile

i'll be happy
we all will
i love you somehow
but you burn everything
and everyone you touch
i'm sick of the draining obligation
that is loving you
be well
but please
for the love of your God
be gone

i hate men
i didn't say all
so before you try to patronize me
let me actually talk
i hate men
i never said all
but you know the ones i mean
a majority evading fault

i hate when i have to prove myself
when i've bent over backwards to please
my grace and wit dismissed
i'm supposed to laugh when they harrass me
when i report
i'm a tease
or i'm a *****
or i don't get how the joke was funny
the ***** gallery wants to chip in
keep the two cents
i don't need the nuisance
or the blatant violation
***** in my mouth
when you act like i'm just some doll to play with