youcancallmesierra

youcancallmesierra Jan 7

am i only meant to be beautiful
did i fracture the illusion by trying
sometimes i feel it, most times i don't
waiting for your judgement feels just like dying

no good

youcancallmesierra Jan 7

WIP (the eyes follow)

still got that hole in my chest
and limp in my walk
drinking shallow breaths
as i turn into the wall
i rested my head on
as i pictured bashing it in instead
till it became pulp
and the bad thoughts oozed out red
maybe then it might all be okay
but no it's still all wrong
telephone wire nooses
cut down before they get too long
stop calling cause i'm busy
trying to find a **** to give
before i spontaneously combust
before i even truly lived
cause the list is growing
and i'm not even started
cooking cleaning making nice
******* up and having to restart it
and feeling so irredeemable because of it
and incapable and sick to my soul
would call out but i can't
because i'm also ******* broke
would call you but i slept late
cause i spent all night losing my ****
its been so hard to sleep
that i've just started making lists
that never end and don't help
quash the feelings of distraught
the world tells me i'm an okay person
but i still feel like i'm not
almost misshapen or off put
a satisfactory answer for sure
but not the best example
not what she was looking for
so just off kilter
and not quite right
hard to love and
broken of mind

i've paced a circle
in the carpet of my mind tonight
and those ballerina feet left a trail of red
against the yellowing white alright

1 step
  2 step
     3 step
                    4

whatever happens

don't
  open
     that
                    door

life imitates art

youcancallmesierra Jan 7

for your safety

so what if i tried
i still failed
so what if you loved me
you still bailed
i shouldn't bother with questions
but what hell
if you didnt mean what you said
how was i supposed to tell

murky waters
waded slowly
till my chin tickled the current

fears turned curious
then learning to knowing
hesitation undressed to inherence

like i belonged
yet teeth were showing
but i didn't want to question a friend

so naive
buying everything you sold me
much to my own chagrin

so what if i misjudged
you still deserted
maybe i'm ******* stupid
but did i deserve it
i shouldn't try to understand
but i'm just that type of person
swallowed by the tragedy of life
and disappointed with it's lack of purpose

stay above the waterline
you dont know how deep it goes
you dont know what could be swimming in there
you think you know everything and you don't
avoid the flood
don't test the dark waters
it isn't safe

youcancallmesierra Jan 7

pried open

i wasn't prepared for how it feels
to be right in this circumstance
sick to the bottom of my heart
replaying the argument over in my head
when the venom was spewing
it wasn't meant to harm
just to dissuade or persuade one another
to lay down our arms
but the flames have swallowed you whole
another abandoned soul
i want to rewind and change it all
but i have no such control
instead i'm right
and you are suffering
i saw it play out in theory
but seeing it is another thing
i want to spare your pain
but the price is paid
i want to offer reprieve
but there's almost nothing to say
when it is what it is
and what was is set on its course
take the visions away
i don't want to be right anymore

i don't want to look

your skin is sloughing off
tender to the touch
i do more harm than good it seems
despite my aching love

youcancallmesierra Dec 2024

i can't feel you anymore

our love was corporeal once
soft between my fingers
til it burnt into my mind
then faded to an afterimage

i try and revisit the intensity
poking where i'm sore
and either feel nothing
or begin to curl in from the sickness

of a beauty i can't unsee
names i can't say
the love i once had
branded by the experience

i was superfluous and a liability
so i was left like fingerprint
right there but invisible in all ways that mattered
evidence never taken serious

now i hear whispers
and pretend that i'm deaf
i did let it go
but that doesn't mean you're absolved

i apologized then
because i knew that's what you wanted
never took it back but i never should've
my caring doesn't make me wrong

i remember when it all first happened
i prayed to feel the way i do now
but i never accounted for
the nagging melancholy of former glory

i'm fine now and i will stay that way
but i'm also mourning you
while you still walk this earth
it's strained and a strange way to live

my consciousness feels for the lightswitch sometimes
like i might wake up and it was all a dream
it's very much over but you're woven in my being
and i might not like it but it'll always be a very fragile part of me

touch is just no longer an option
is all

youcancallmesierra Dec 2024

i don't

i mourn when i should be celebrating
i celebrate when i should mourn
i've felt like something is wrong for a while
but to fix it would be such a chore

i ask the questions
i carry the burdens
i run through every thought

i swallow the worst ones
i choke on a few
and then i wanna stop

why do i have to feel this way
why do i keep ending up here
there are no answers and there is no relief
just tears and fears and peers

who don't understand me
and don't want to try
who don't even like me
who won't flinch when i die
i'm dramatic for sure
but also bore to the bone
if we really knew each other
would we still use that tone

who knows

maybe you like to see me struggle
and hurt and cry and bleed
or maybe the something wrong is
me

never have

youcancallmesierra Dec 2024

the hunted

indulged then engorged
i slipped right through your fingertips
does the timbre of my voice
still shiver in your ribs
chest locked and throat blocked
a frantic exhale denied
does the whisper of my touch
drag along the walls of your mind
are you grateful you didn't cross that bridge
or bothered that you couldn't
dignities were stained some later time
when i was still too callow to have better judgment
but i was discerning enough
to identify and avoid your sticky lures
and so fledgling instincts beat out the odious
only now i know for sure
like saliva foaming to your jaw
down to the floor into the ground
i slipped right through your fingertips
you'll never catch me now

but not the prey