youcancallmesierra

youcancallmesierra Dec 2024

our love was corporeal once
soft between my fingers
til it burnt into my mind
then faded to an afterimage

i try and revisit the intensity
poking where i'm sore
and either feel nothing
or begin to curl in from the sickness

of a beauty i can't unsee
names i can't say
the love i once had
branded by the experience

i was superfluous and a liability
so i was left like fingerprint
right there but invisible in all ways that mattered
evidence never taken serious

now i hear whispers
and pretend that i'm deaf
i did let it go
but that doesn't mean you're absolved

i apologized then
because i knew that's what you wanted
never took it back but i never should've
my caring doesn't make me wrong

i remember when it all first happened
i prayed to feel the way i do now
but i never accounted for
the nagging melancholy of former glory

i'm fine now and i will stay that way
but i'm also mourning you
while you still walk this earth
it's strained and a strange way to live

my consciousness feels for the lightswitch sometimes
like i might wake up and it was all a dream
it's very much over but you're woven in my being
and i might not like it but a very fragile part of me

touch is just no longer an option
is all

youcancallmesierra Dec 2024

i don't

i mourn when i should be celebrating
i celebrate when i should mourn
i've felt like something is wrong for a while
but to fix it would be such a chore

i ask the questions
i carry the burdens
i run through every thought

i swallow the worst ones
i choke on a few
and then i wanna stop

why do i have to feel this way
why do i keep ending up here
there are no answers and there is no relief
just tears and fears and peers

who don't understand me
and don't want to try
who don't even like me
who won't flinch when i die
i'm dramatic for sure
but also bore to the bone
if we really knew each other
would we still use that tone

who knows

maybe you like to see me struggle
and hurt and cry and bleed
or maybe the something wrong is
me

never have

youcancallmesierra Dec 2024

the hunted

indulged then engorged
i slipped right through your fingertips
does the timbre of my voice
still shiver in your ribs
chest locked and throat blocked
a frantic exhale denied
does the whisper of my touch
drag along the walls of your mind
are you grateful you didn't cross that bridge
or bothered that you couldn't
dignities were stained some later time
when i was still too callow to have better judgment
but i was discerning enough
to identify and avoid your sticky lures
and so fledgling instincts beat out the odious
only now i know for sure
like saliva foaming to your jaw
down to the floor into the ground
i slipped right through your fingertips
you'll never catch me now

but not the prey

youcancallmesierra Dec 2024

missing milestones

i bend myself until i
break and no one's there to save
me from the mess i made
trying to feel just a little okay

i'm hurting but there is no
treatment for the pain i'm feeling
i do all the work but i'm still not healing
i try so ******* hard but i'm still left dealing

and its always too much or too
far when it comes to matters of the heart
shouldn't take it so hard
but i'm falling apart

i'm crashing out at a thought of
you cause i've done everything i could think to do
i've been rotting for years but its still so raw
and new and thats my excuse

youcancallmesierra Nov 2024

bracelets

i feel it happening again
you say you're a friend
but what if it is just
all in my head again

i felt so sure last time
that i don't trust my own perceptions
but it does feel nice to laugh with you
i shouldn't ruin it with questions

you reached out
and held my hand
and i've been so lonely
that i never want it to end

youcancallmesierra Nov 2024

what's going on

it really should be so simple
to do the right things
remembering to eat
and going to sleep
but i stare at the ceiling
unless i take certain measures
and my tongue turns to cotton
my appetite has surely been better
so uninterested in what's left of life's pleasure
unbothered to set myself out to dry
sitting on shower floor
using my little alone time to cry
and life's actually never been this great
in many ways i'm growing
but i only see things i haven't achieved
and pain i'm not showing
its so weird to be in between
healed and healing
for the last couple weeks
i couldn't explain what i've been feeling
but maybe it will come back
the hunger for something more
until i'll just alternate
between being uncomfortable, suffering, or bored

what's up

youcancallmesierra Nov 2024

time sheet

i'm counting down the days to go
i'm marinating in thoughts
i'm chewing on the worst of them
as i burn a hole into the clock
with my drying eyes
and ache for this time to come to a close
i've sat here for long enough
i've entertained every sorrow i know

i can imagine them all huddled up
laughing at my misfortune
repainting the picture and denying my character
my actions warped and my words distorted
the blame falls down on me
like an anvil in a stupid cartoon
i'm unable to defend myself
but for their acceptance, why would i even want to?

i've been ready to leave for a good long while
but i held out to see if i was mistaken
but the proof found me and i protected myself
and that somehow made me satan
so yeah i walked away and i'd do it again
i deserve more than to be of use
i believed you and what did that get me
other than abandoned and misconstrued

so have your little party and vilify me
burn me at the stake if you please
my worst crime being reactive to the abuse
and finally choosing me
over phony peace i only had
when i would bend to your every whim
compromise was never an option
and you were never a friend

punched out
headed somewhere
i don't have a home

when you were here
i was so lonely
but now i'm just alone

which might sound sad
but its better and easier
i'll find somewhere to go

for a long time
i thought you were always gonna be here
so i closed my eyes to not watch you go