i'll never be healthy
if i continue
monetarily
emotionally
boundlessly
supporting these people
no matter mow much i love them
it makes me want to die
that i have to watch them
suffer to then
repeat these cycles
and bring more lives into it
the world feels like such a miserable place to me
i know there's happiness out there that exists
in some shape or form
but i don't feel like it's going to find me
unless i let go of everything i love and know
but if i do that
i wont have anything to hold onto

do i just float away at that point?

if i set myself on fire
i would die knowing i gave and i gave
but it'd be all for nothing
cause nothing might ever change

i stared into the fire
and the flames bent to form an image
no one else could see

i sat out in the rain
till my fingers turned blue
and ran my hands under cold water

it burned like a *******
relatively scalding
and i hate that this is where i am

warmth sounds almost unbearable
compared to suffering i know
don't tell me i'm not feeling enough

i've felt so much
i open my chest
and swallow the world with my eyes
and dissect all the ways that it hurts me
and regurgitate what little sense i make

is it wrong to not want to stay in the cycle
am i wrong to leave you behind
i don't wanna contribute
i never did
that's why i won't have ******* kids


i told you to your face tonight
how shallow my well of reasons draws
to keep playing such stupid games

if love isn't enough
then what even is
i was born without permission
and i live in this world
but i'm never gonna change it

yeah
that's it for me

inside my mind
i imagine
throwing it all into the fire
and forgetting it all
the clothes off my back
a fresh start
of sorts?

but is the inherent value
of all that ive built
worth trying to restore its former glory

or i'm pouring even further into a sunken cost

is it harder to kiss it all goodbye
or to realize i never should have left

lake of fire
tucked away
coyote cries
not so far away
simpler times
never come our way
we don't wanna
but we always find a way

no faith to find in hell
so we can only question this existence
why our parents had kids
and why theirs did and the ones before them

how could you do this to me
to us
ungrateful unsatisfied unfruitful
as ****

dying flames
topped up another time
the locust choir
fills the night
in these moments of respite
the stakes are still high
the world at my fingertips
but at the cost of goodbye

i don't want to reach out for dreams
because they might underwhelm me
but the unexciting reality
itself grows expressly underwhelming

it's better to have love
than to lose it all pursuing phantasm
always grateful but too young to be choosing
to live in contempt or indulge in bad habits

to shed my hesitation
and finally go rabid
does the real thing feel this good
after you've had it?

i don't know and i won't ever
if i keep myself in check
i like being here with us together
it's just so easy to get swept

up by ideals
and things so contingent of following ungrounded reverie
i come home to you for all that is
i'm not heartless in my revelry

i build it up in my mind
so grand and tall and unreal
it rises as i stand on top
thrilling yet scary to feel

and when our time is cut short
and it becomes do or lie
i give you a hug
for the very last time

ousted from my safety
made to walk the plank
so off the tower i go
though i wanted to stay

you'd think i'd be crushed like a bug
but you see it's all in my head
so the time i could feel this way
could just never end

never needed one
so there is no floor
there is no you
not anymore

but if it's all my imagination
why don't i just fly away and forget
i wonder everyday
as i lose my sense of direction spiraling in the pit