sometimes i think about what life would be like
if we hadn't lost you and the life you deserved to live
and while it's not productive to pander
and break my heart over and over
considering all the what ifs

i wish with all my heart that it would've been me
if i could trade my life for you to have a fair chance i would
no doubt and i wouldn't regret it not one bit
but that's fanfare
and impossible to achieve

so instead today i want to think about what you gave me
the lessons i've learned in your absence
because you loved me and i know you'd want me to keep trying
and that doing less than my best would be shameful
and make your suffering null

i live with a purpose
and i love for a reason
and i am grateful even when i'm jaded

i choose to be kind
and remember to give grace
even when i'm over the world and clouded by hatred

and while it's not what i wanted
i'm glad to be on the other side
seeing what i was so blind to before

so its not a waste
and you should rest easy
knowing you gave me something to live for

i still miss you
every ******* day
and i still don't pray
but i repeat your name
everytime i wanna quit
and give up and walk away
know that you did that
it's because of you i'm saved

i didn't know love before you left me
and its a shame
but i have that knowledge know
and i wont stop drilling it into my brain

thank you

it's confusing
how the storm dried up just like that
and the sky inked to black
at the quiet entrance of your memory
my focus pilfering

normally i'm so ragged
pulled in too many directions
but when i remember you
all stands still like it's a crime to breathe
the world goes on without me


i'm not afraid
but i don't understand
and its like you're speaking to me
but its too soft to be true
muffled like conversations in another room



but i pick up and i carry on
never the same but in demand
and if i told anyone it'd be too late
your whispers cloud my soggy brain
but i don't want to be sent away





cause then we couldn't talk anymore
and i don't want to live without you

I’m lost in the ever changing,
A cycle of life that everyone
Seems to go through eventually,

I stopped at the tracks too early,
And have been shown the harsh
Reality just before the curtains closes,

I’m left in the dark,
With too much time to think,
With too much life to live,

It has been so long the shadows
Are starting to move in between
The non existent and below my feet,

Leaving paper trails of horrid things,
Love poems, books written by people
Who share a sentiment, and cigarette buds

That change with how much money
I have in my pockets, I wish they
Would start a conversation,

Scare me off my chair and linger
Too long upon my shoulders,
I’m in dire need of a friend,

Maybe a foe, a reason to keep
Going, to claw myself out
And find myself sunbathing

Across blue skies, sky gaze at
The stars that were once gods,
Enjoy a sip of whatever is available,

Because it doesn’t matter,
It never has mattered.

say it to my face
set the record straight
instead of letting me postulate
but, no, you're just gonna walk away

and let me sit here and debate
if i should choose love or hate
when if you could just mean what you say
there'd be a set of truths on which i could operate

instead you're proud of your cruelty
finding pleasure in the ****** up **** you do to me
closing in on my already shrinking sense of community
knowing just how much it will ***** with me

reveling in the mutiny
disappointment isn't new to me
but man you played the part beautifully
i really had no preception of this outcome truthfully

funnily enough today i was just cursing your name
someone mentioned you and reminded me of the pain
i pushed aside and bury everyday
even now i feel the venom in my veins

i tell the story again through my strain
how you abandoned me and left me to hang
how you have nothing to say to me so you say
how it wasn't supposed to be this way



but then you 'run into' all my 'friends'
and say it's nice to see them
sighing my how long it's been

but i don't to that to you
promptly mailed your stuff back too
you're the one who started acting brand new

and you know what's just peachy
after five months of chances to reach me
two and half to do this **** easily

there was a package on my porch when i got home
it was smashed and ugly and so overdue it is gross

you truly let us go
but you'll never say so

i feel so rotted through
my bones ache
and my eyes are sunken
my stomach touches my back
my arms leaden
my feet broken
my heart slowing
my fingers struggle to output
the resignation of my mind
the desecration of my time
the devastation of my life
it feels like my life is over
and i just keep going
like the last round of hurting wasn't enough
to convince me thoroughly enough
that this world isn't for me
and these people aren't either
but i just keep going
i can't give up now knowing
my problems are someone else's blessing
i'm just tired of the universe testing me
i lost my brother
my sister almost too this saturday
the little family i barely have
not my blood relations
just my only reservations
my few considerations
still i'm well aware
everyone is gonna go
whether they leave me now
or later
whether by choice
or by nature
why is it so wrong
i want to do it on my own terms
youth is no excuse to enable suffering
if in the meantime all i can do
is be punished for trying
it's unsuprising
i'd be so romanticized with dying
i know he's lying
to me
but my god
it's tantalizing
to be sacrificed
intead of sacrificing