i know you don't like me
and that you think that you're better
and above my existence
and wanna forget we were together
and you think cause i smoke and drink
i'm a *** and a waste
but for all that it is
i ignore all your hate
because i know that you hate me
because of stuff that you did
you miss me don't you
and it makes you wanna *****
i can't absorb all the responsibility
for the issues we have
between us two
i have to have my own back
for once at least
and not let you just trample
over all of my feelings
or make an example
out of me and my willingness to die for you
love twisted and mistaken
i would have taken most anything
to prevent this devastation
but it would have never mattered what i did
or didn't do
i can do my part
but can't rely on you
to do yours
or treat me like a human
i'm **** now
and awful and stupid
at least in your eyes
that's what i've become
i'm flawed but i'm kind
and you're blind and young
just as i had to be to let you in
and how i have to be to let you go
you broke my ******* heart
but i won't let you have my soul

i did it before you
i'll do it without you
you meant something
but now you have to be nothing
i hate it
but its how it has to be
if i ever want to be happy
i know this isn't real
and i'm talking to myself
but now that you're gone
this is what i have to do
to feel just a little okay
and move on little by little each day
one day you will truly
truly be nothing
would you like that?
are you ready for that?

i hope not
(and i hope it stings
is that wrong of me?)

ain't no suprise
if i'm being forced to wait
i'll take my time
i'd rather end up alone than bitter

i took it with my chest
i said what i meant
i put it all out on the table
i'm trying not to regret it
or the times we spent together

  i'm gonna fake it
  till i believe
  keep forgiving until
  i'm finally free
  from the bindings of my mind

   when the chains loosen
   and fall from my hands
   when i can feel better
   even though i don't understand
   to finally appreciate this life

i'm not quite there
and you can say what you want
but you can never say i'm not trying

the needle is in my arm
the dripping is far away
i'm soaking into the chair
overdid it today

i'm closing all the doors
pulling curtains and the house is dimmed
if anybody comes by
do not let them in

i'm dying on the couch
starving myself in more ways than one
maybe if i could swallow my pride
i wouldn't be alone

whatever
i'll change the channel now
i'll circle back to this in half an hour
settled into my sunken spot
and ready to rot and deflower

i'll stew in my sorrows
then rise for the occasion
ready to run away
but bound to my obligations

now that our stories are black and white
and love is an act of defiance rather than a state of grace
i don't see how we ever came together
or find reason in the distance we made
before this became what it is now
all i feel is the gap between
your doubtless simple comprehension
and my drowning senseless indecision
our bounds could never meet

sure came close though
but if i really listened
i would have heard the first cannon fire
but who am i kidding

of course i heard it
but i held my tongue out of guilt
can we really burn bridges we never built?

the only communications i receive are spam and scams
nobody could tell you where i am
i'm lonely but i'm free

spent the day trying to feel something new but failed
i retraced my closing wounds and staled
like the dishes in my sink

every day it's something and every week just flies right through
every month every year every second without you
i'm starting to lose my steam

i used to move mountains and now i don't want to turn over
because my body hurts and somethings digging in my shoulder
and my arm just fell asleep

quite pitiful but i suppose i'm coming to a stop
somehow miraculously found my off
too young to feel this heavy

but my bones are tired and my eyes close themselves
why does dying sound easier than all of this hell
a girl can only dream

its just that
it's all wrong

i don't cry anymore
missing you feels like being kicked in the stomach
every single part of this hurts
even though i guess its what i wanted

i dont regret protecting myself
or trying for as long as i did
i'm looking back now so unsure
and it distorts as i try to re-remember it

i'd like to say it's not the separation
but more about how you just packed up and left me
with not even a conversation or true warning
i still don't believe you'd just forget me

but as each new day passes
and you ignore my existence
i grow more accustomed to loneliness
coming to terms with it
it doesn't mean i don't miss you
even if i wish i didn't

to be just like you
surrounded and indignant
when you finally spoke up
you said you'd never need my forgiveness
i didn't want an apology
i just needed someone to listen

and from what i knew
i thought that could and would be you
but you won't see me anymore