when i think about your ex
it makes me want to die
the messages you sent
the last time she made you cry
i know there's nothing left
i know it's only me
but in the back of my mind
it's a thought i hate think

the pictures you never deleted
the bond you never healed
the things i shouldn't be curious about
i'm entranced in the pain it makes me feel

thinking about the time before us
when i was in pain
and you were in love
i know thats it only me now
but i can't help but wonder
are you just keeping me around
to banish thoughts of her
when i'm not in the front of your mind
do you go back to before
you never answered my questions
you never did anything wrong either
i just sometimes get the impression

you aren't where you want to be
when you are with me
and i hate to think
it's because i cant make you feel the way she did

i did nothing today
i sat in my thoughts
like i didn't have a choice
but i did, did i not

and in the past
i'm not consoled
in the present
i've lost control
i love the ones
i never told
i leave behind
the ones i'm supposed to know
in the heat of the moment
awareness goes
out of the
metaphorical window
i just feel the heat
and the rumble in my bones
a burning sensation
as the words scrape my throat
and after i've lost my voice
and the moment implodes
we all go home
and i never gloat
because winning is losing
when you're all alone

so i nurse the wounds
and try to move
but even if i
apologize to you
our problems arent as simple
as talking things through
i walked away but you threw the first punch
both are true

but im almost willing
to take all of the blame
if i dont have waste
another day
feeling like you might die
and it ended this way

and i know thats
morbid as **** to worry about
but it's happened before
and i'm scared to find out
you're gone
and i was too proud
to figure **** out
or let my guard down
in the fight to be right
i feel like i might let you down

it's conflicting
knowing how much you've hurt me
and wanting you to see that pain
wanting you to take it away
in the way only you can
by understanding why it hurt
in the first place
but also wanting to live this life together
before we've gotten that far

i can't let you think its okay
but i can't let you walk away
i'm afraid
i did nothing today

if i've already broken the situation down to bits
  and rearranged and switched the roles to try and make sense
    what makes you think i didn't reflect on why i did what i did

who do you think you are to jump down my throat
   like you've never failed to take the high road
     like the world is based on everything you know

i did the work to break the habits
    i humanized the people i couldn't forgive
just to be corrected on my trauma
then told i'm taking it personally
    as if there was any other way to take it

i owned my mistakes
   but i refused to take all the blame
and if you think that's what i need to do
if you really feel that way
   what price is it you want me to pay

i already lost
i already caved
i can never get back
what i lost along the way
i remember how i could have done better
everyday
i don't need your help
feeling the pain

and i don't need your input
on how i've healed
i don't need to know
how my decisions make you feel
you should reflect on yourself
and leave me to my own
i have tried to keep it nice
but you're truly coming close

to that point people don't come back from

your crimes bleed through me
like wine on the carpet
was traumatizing me
your only target
had so many walls up
that'd have crumbled for a gentle soul
you don't care about my pain
just carve yourself a glory hole
and **** me over
ruin my self perception
i am wilted and spoiled
gagging at my own reflection
my lips are not my lips
they're where your lips touched mine
my hips were just grips
your fingerprints stain my thighs
you tarnished my being
and want me to think it's my fault
but all of this devastation is yours
i'm just stuck with the rot

i guess it never goes away
that's what i was afraid of
the shame pervades
forgiveness is not enough
you probably don't think of me now
i don't even think you did during the worst of it all
kicked by indifference and racked with doubt
did you mean to make me feel this small

because i still lose sleep
sweating cold in different sheets
i pushed you away from me
but not before it cost my fragility
the price of being naive

there was this song i listened to
where the girl was too young to be haunted
and it made me think of you
and the feeling of being hunted
and sacrificed
for a moment of belonging
in the midst of loneliness
your smile seemed so disarming

now i know you were lying through your teeth
you were never in step with me
cause you get what you came for then ultimately leave
bet you don't feel any better without the closure you dont know you need
i'm still over here losing precious sleep

lately it's almost like
i am losing my hold
though i've never had a grip
i had some control
but now i'm slipping
and i'm afraid to know
the consequences of my actions
what happens when you don't let go

realizations hit me
reacting too quickly
it's like the good endings skip me
each new outcome is sickening
i don't want to be a pick me
but i just want someone to pick me

taking a step back
but it didn't help that much
i have to leave this existence
and that distance might still not be enough
but for now i just feel coughed up
all my edges rough
underneath all of my negativity
i swear there is love

it's just when all the realizations hit me
i spin out and react too quickly
my best intentions now feel dingy
i just wanted someone with me
but in my mission for someone to pick me
my own image has become almost sickening
not too far gone
but nearly lost
hate to loathe
it always leads to seeming alone

even if i wish i could receive my own effort in return
that's not what it's all about
i should be a better person by now