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somebody is lying
and i know it's not me
you say whatever it takes
to slip underneath
defiling is easy
taking is too
irresistible sin
at least for you
but i'm too drunk
and i'm too scared
you're too selfish
to ******* care
i hadn't slept
on arrival i was wrecked
eyes a painful red
disgusted as i left
after two hours of awful sleep
the night finally hit me
and i cried the whole way home
i wish i just ignored my phone
they never mean what they say
they'll lie to get their way
half the job is done if they get you through the door
and since i accepted the invitation it cant be ****
i can hear the ***** gallery calling me a regretful *****

i dont need them to believe me
i just wish somebody cared
you never even liked me
i'm coming to terms with that
i am still deciding
whether i am hurt or if i'm mad
ruined my outlook to put it politely
with lazy lies and takebacks
stupid **** to spite me
cause you're triggered by the facts

if everything i say is true
then the problem must be you
can't stand for that
no way
four point back
for shame

you're so quick to blame others
when you make a mistake
nine times out of ten
what you broke was easy to replace
in your fight to be right you lose sight
of who helped you in the first place

at first it was exciting
until we fell out of step
you were out here fraternizing
getting comfy with my bullies and my ex
even had the ***** to invite me
then seemed suprised i was upset
almost like it was sacrificing
to give me minimal respect

lately i don't find it much surprising
when it comes to how scummy you'd get
it's impressive how calm you are when lying
almost like you really do miss me being your friend
don't antagonize me
it's funny that now you save your breath
cause i saw right through that crying
it's hard to not resent myself
for allowing you to undermine me
something isn't adding up
but then it all makes sense
i want to collapse into the moment
using the emotion to ascend
giving it time to develop
and when it reaches that sweet maturity
the syrupy feeling envelopes me
i find temporary refuge from insecurity
coughing up love and other byproducts
trying to decide how it all tastes
rumination and divination
your favorite place in my brain
i miss it too and it's only been hours
scared to want something i could lose
but sometimes the best we'll ever get is that simple
i am wound up and around you

i like it when it's calm like this
even though the silence only makes it easier to hear the things i wish i didn't
i never want it to change
that double standard
don't feel so good
when it's you on the other side
but it wouldn't be you
because i watched you burn
as the arson just scaped by
and no i didn't look for good
in a place where
there was none to be found
i didn't wanna hear his story
or see his face
or become adjusted to the sound
of lies and violation
belittlement and manipulation
i wanted nothing but to see you okay
but you laugh with my abusers
and flock to my tormentors
like you didn't see any of my pain

and maybe
just maybe
you didnt
at the time
but what could you speak to now
the fear of not being enough for you
is crippling and lonely
i'd share but it'd seem like a bid for attention
and it just isn't like that at all
i watch you be kind
and find love for people
living everyday with this lightness
bringing happiness to everyone
who ever has the fortune of
meeting you
wonderful you
and i see myself
struggling to find patience
a fight to keep the illness contained
knowing i can be better
because i have been better
and i've slowly gotten better
but i'm just not who i want to be
i hope you don't see
how hurt
how tired
how lost
how weak i've come to be
but instead
i hope you know
how much better you have made me
just by showing me
there's so much to be grateful for
and that i wont always be the person
that i am today
one day
i hope i'm more like you
wonderful you
right now
i feel stupid
you were someone else before
and all i see now is this
of mistakes and accidents
and things done on purpose
for self gratification
or recognition
that feeling of eyes
can drive a person mad
all of the time
i spent worrying
about how MY actions could affect YOU
just to feel like
you never thought of mine at all
to love is to remember
and you didn't even forget
you just didn't learn me in the first place
if you can't love me
let me die
if you can't trust me
let me lie
keep your requests
save your goodbyes
if you can't love me
just let me die

it's always something
you always find
a problem with me
and you're always right
it's all on me
to make it right
if you can't forgive me
i might as well die

said it about
a hundred times
a hundred more
to say i tried
when you dont love me
don't you lie
be man enough
to watch me die
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