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sunlight peeking through
telling me today has started
and when it's rays burn my retinas
readjusting to the brightness
i know that something has to change

i'm too tired to keep lying
and say it isn't all too much
or maiming myself
in the hopes of being loved
of all the things i want
i only need myself
not your kindness nor your acceptance
not even your help
although i asked
i know now that's not a guarantee
you can't appreciate my heart
but that isn't a fault of me
it all is what it is
and i gotta be happy despite those things
recreating my reality
instead of harping on lost dreams
you dont have to love me
i already know
it's always something
out out my control
beyond my power
i'm weak and you're repulsed
want my patience and affection
but can't bear to keep close
which is it now
what's it gonna be
you can't have it all
and be indifferent to me

i gotta know
what else could be a problem
i couldn't even say
i wake up everyday
and find new ways to waste
the little energy i have
on people who never change
wanting to be acknowledged
but just gonna have to wait
or move on before
i give the last of it away
and i can't muster up the effort
to convince myself to stay

i am trying
but thats nothing
when i have nothing at the end of the day

i wanna be understanding
and share so much love
but that gets drowned out by the pain
i woke up this morning
and knew inside
i just knew
you couldn't ever love me
not because i'm unlovable
or anything bad
but just because
you only feel me as a stroke to your ego
because who else
is asking about your day
or hearing you out lately
and wanting to know your woes
or sending a message first
no one
and i just wanted to be nice
and maybe show you what it could be like
and i really thought i liked you
and i'm not gonna stop being kind
but i can't pretend this isn't what it is
i'd die before i let myself become
a nothing to someone
who wants me to curate they're everything
so they can live without feeling
i'm not an emotional cumrag
i wanna see you happy
but i wanna be happy too
cold shoulders turned into
the warmest embrace
will always love you
but would never say that to your face
had me there dangling
and i got dropped in the swoon
abandoned me
like the sun runs from the moon
nothing else i could've done
gave all i had
i'm glad we can still talk
and we didn't stay mad
that you feel safe confiding
and trust me even after
learned my heart
bet you remember when it shattered
but i can't lie
you coming to me and asking for help
so you can give the love you never gave to me
to somebody else
is cruel and it hurts
i don't have those feelings anymore
but my heart still breaks
for the girl who loved you before
all she wanted is what you're giving
to somebody else right now
guess i just gotta live with fact
that i wasn't enough somehow
it just isn't fair
but life never is
i tell you the truth
and that is this
i want you to be happy
and do what feels right
but that's all i can say
cause nothing else would be right
uncertainty
regret
i don't
know best
i just knew
that i was in pain
i did what i thought
would make me feel okay
i don't even
feel like myself
i dont even
deserve your help

i'd say sorry
but i don't know if you'd care
and if you did
that'd break my heart
the many many things out of my control
everytime i forget the other stuff
another five thoughts sprout in its place

and ruin the vibe i'm trying to keep
i need to not care as much as i do
but ideas keep me frozen in place

i'm not trying to be difficult
or act like i'm special
it's just a lot and i don't know how to feel about it all

no more no more
i'm only me
and i already feel so small
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