it's the peculiar pain
of knowing how
excited i get
when i think of
seeing you
or how nervous i become
worrying about what to say
knowing you don't feel the same
that same rush

i bet
your friends have never heard about me
and if i was mentioned
it was probably not by name
just in offhand
like yeah
i ****** that one girl again
just another body

you dont have conversations
revolving around how your actions
might impact my feelings
or even think about that about that at all
i bet
but i do for yours and
i bet
you would laugh at me if you knew
or you'd just run

and the shock
of the realization
knocks me out of orbit
this idea of who i am
to anyone around me
means nothing
and you are just the first example

and as i start unraveling
and acknowledging all my **** ups
and shortcomings
and everything i wish
would just be different
about the world
and myself
i drown in the feeling
that i shouldn't even try
my powerlessness
my weakness
i hate myself
for all the things
i can't will myself to be
and the thoughts i can't control
getting too self aware
and i suffer

one too many nights
of medicated sleep
now i can't fight the universe
revealing things to me
or is it the devil
trying to get under my skin
with these horrible visions
i can't be sure

i want to be safe
and i want to be alive
but i want to feel alive
and i'm tired of being alive

loop di loop di loop
it all starts and ends with you
and you don't even matter
because i don't matter to you
my brain won't let me love someone
who can not love me back
but i still feel attachment
because i'm stupid
and i actually liked you despite
all of the ugly thoughts in my head

now i'm rambling
and i make no sense
that one crossfade lyric
what i really meant to say
is i'm sorry for the way i am

i can't help but ruin everything

i don't know what it was
i just woke up
and after everything we've done
i had enough
i want to be free of your touch
and ever elusive love
i'm not built for
someone so rough

no explanations
for me either
so don't feel cheated
besides now you get to keep her
your life goes back
everything basically the same
all that i knew was crushed
but i'll cope with that pain

just let me alone now
you've done enough at this point
it's not about how you'd feel
it's my choice

whatever happened
doesn't matter
questions
melting into laughter
pull her up on top of you
nice and slow
i'm far far away
while she sleeps close
i'm nothing now
i know, i know
it wasn't the end
but its still a blow
took what you needed
said your piece
corrupted every last
hope and dream
so why can't you
just leave it be
take everything else
just let me have me

violent tide
calming down
neither right
i know that now
silent amends
don't want space
just a little understanding
and for you to say

no more texts
no more people getting in the way
too many words for something so simple
caught up on things so trivial
i don't want it like this
can't we just pretend

melodies slide
melting so sweet
i forgive you
you forgive me
today doesn't have
to be yesterday
somehow we can
make this okay

no more words
or feelings hurt
too much stress over something so little
the things we got caught on we should just forget them
if we don't want it like this
can't we just pretend

believing you're nothing
so you treat yourself like nothing
waking up realizing
this is what you wanted
but you just wanted to make someone feel good
since all it seems like you do is fail
a steep price for a broken solution
to a problem you could've fixed
by being honest with yourself
why couldn't you just be wrong
now nothing is alright

it's red never green
but its black when i can't see
when it pools in my eyes
and slides down my cheeks
the feeling so indescribably large
yet nothing but a point in the void
the only thing helping me navigate
is the faint sound of your voice
because i'm lost in nowhere
looking for a way to get somewhere that doesn't exist
at least not yet
but i still wanna look for it

heaven could be closer than i'd like to think
but i'll have to crawl through hell just to have that peace
and i don't think i have it in me
i can't afford to gamble with my last good thing

just skip me until i'm ready

there's so many stars up there
i wanna ask questions but i'm too scared
that you won't care
or i'll just be talking too much

too many too count but still i try
almost as many thoughts in my mind
there would never be enough time
to tell you how it really was

but when the symphony begins to play
for a moment everything feels okay
you may have dropped my hand
but i don't register the pain

i'm exploring all the ways this could go
the words i almost had crawl back down my throat
you dont need to worry about me anymore
i'll never have the answers when there's so much to know