disingenuous
never letting us be real
calloused hands on a fragile heart
just wanted to see how it would feel
now i lie in a pool of my own humanity
gasping on a lie
black holes staring to the sky
learning that this is the part where i die
because to love you meant to
love myself
you dont want me
and it ruins my mental health
putting it all down
all for naught
saying it's okay
when it's clearly not
just touch me and burn me
and take me with
if you're gonna leave me for dead
give me one last kiss
i'll never forgive myself
i could never blame you
just bleeding waiting dissociating
what you're just not willing to do
if only you cared if only i didn't
pining for a lonely death it seems
in the end i'll get what i asked for won't i
to love but not be loved is misery

hush for just a second
i'm trying to remember every promise i've ever made
and if doing this would hurt
too much or the ones i love or make it all okay
whispers say to do it
before i lose another thing i can't replace
wondering how could one sleep
when they never feel safe
i just wanted one thing
well maybe more but nothing insane
just the ones i love to be happy
and not being so worried about tomorrow i can't enjoy today
but everything i've loved
has gotten snatched away

i don't listen but i hear
all the awful things my own mind says

but a thread in the rope
yet you still choke
it's not on me though
everyone gloats
if thats what you have to say
to feel okay
to deal with the shame
be that way
having an empty heart
and covering scars
won't get you far
but thats the game sweetheart

staring knowing i'm useless
running through options
maybe if i check one more time
reality might have changed

but you're bleeding profusely
and i can't find a way to stop it
always shooting for another try
in a losing game

watching feeling like a sad excuse
if i can't save you
what can i do

waiting hoping good things will come
soon enough
before you succumb

just want you to be happy
willing to sacrifice these objects
and give you the care i can
but objects are few yet needed

if you would have me
with my intentions and regrets
and help me understand
why you're so ceded

not trying to poke
or defile your throne
only wish to know

you remind me
of all the good things
i am usually to distracted to see


and i just wanna give you the same thing