i see the way they are and i fantasize
the amount of pain i go through to seem alright
in the single slice of reality it all seems glamorized
without all of the shadows none of it would seem so bright
introducing ideas into the mix i never sought
a factory of feverish and jealous thoughts
i want to be beautiful but i'm just not
left to my devices and i'm bound to stalk
just to see what could've been if i wasn't torn
misfortune loomed long before i was born
generational trauma i never signed up for
i always hated everyone else for having more
than i ever could no matter how hard i tried
with their licenses and friends every friday night
while i was herded and degraded by every adult in my life
they laughed on the stairs i'd hide under to cry
now they're discovering themselves and i'm barely in my skin
progressing in their relationships while i've only just started making friends
i know it's not their fault i'm staggered in my development
it's just that watching them get to be happy makes me resent
them for being able to blossom so soon
i wonder if i will ever bloom
tracing my thoughts in the dark of my room
trying to trust the process knowing i expected results too soon

creating excuses for someone
who doesn't care to make their own
you say he's really sorry
but did he ever say that though
if you can show me where
i can let it go
but that apology doesn't exist
you and i both know
if it's every other day
and the same old ******* ****
a growing mountain of flowery words
and no sign of improvement
if he did it once
he would do it again
never has to justify his behavior
your fear of loneliness does it for him
sparing feelings he doesn't have
this man couldn't care less
if he wanted to he would
but you know what to expect
selfish choices and rushed intimacy
never gets excited to see your texts
you want to be right so bad
you refuse to reassess
the foundation of your relationship
your endless effort only matched by his pride
scrambling to make him happy
just to be dehumanized
if he loves you likes he says he does
why can't he manage to treat you right
a promise you made under false pretenses
shouldn't determine the rest of your life

the lies they need to be okay
half-truths they'll take to their grave
self soothing efforts to much dismay
5150 you so they can try to feel sane

can't live with what really happened
cognitive dissonance fractures a fragile reality
if you did what i say you did
you couldn't excuse yourself rationally
with your bible of reasons
full of fallacies and opinions
fact is utterly lost on you
creating your own definitions
for ******* you made up or believe
to proof everyone else wrong
pushing a false narrative
only works for so long

can't be no one else no
can't trust myself though
can't love a situation
or fix everything broke
still try to anyway
keeps following me home
could never love me back
yeah i already know

locking the back door
left open the window
if you notice, it's on accident
otherwise it won't close
wanting it to end
but wanting to be chose
knowing it's all for *****
passing deathly serious notes

somewhere i'd swear
between freefall and impact
i'm using the opportunity
to find my way back
to the crack that
i crawled out from
detailing the path
to what i've become
using the story
to backtrace my soul
before i lose the powers
of the rabbit hole