youcancallmesierra

youcancallmesierra Feb 2021

dark nights
darker times
existence
since you left my life
hard to breathe
speak in goodbyes
got no more will
and no more fight
left in me
so in the dark i cry
i pray to whatever's out there
to let me die
i'm broken and worn
and already dying inside
i can't manage
to do one thing right
have mercy on me
squeezing my eyes tight
hoping when i open them
i'm covered in light

youcancallmesierra Feb 2021

anchor

asked if i'm okay
i wish i knew
the answer to that question
i'm just swimming in ocean
of nothing
but raw and devouring emotion

drowning in thought
i push against the tide
but it draws me in
against my will
my lack of sense of self
the weight that secures the ****

no anchor to latch onto
or home to run towards
drifting further away
floating out to sea
might be that last time
someone ever sees me

so i'll let the current **** me in
no use in fighting
myself
i'm too tired to make a point
it's easier to let go
and once again disappoint

they all want something from me
i'll never be someone anyone needs
you think you know what you want
you can really think you know someone
you really don't wanna be with me
i already know where this leads
i dont need anymore reasons to bleed
i'm fine with being lost at sea
you'll live without my company
you don't wanna be with me

i assure you

youcancallmesierra Feb 2021

barrier

not a first choice
but why would i be
i'm flawed and disordered
got low self esteem
depressed as ****
cocktail of anxieties
who'd wanna be
caught dead with me
put strain on every relationship
in my vicinity

it's almost as if
i do it on purpose
people must think
i like feeling worthless
if its any consolation
i'm having a horrible time as well
if you find it exhausting
how much i hate myself
imagine actually being me
living is ******* hell

wouldn't it be great
if i could take life as it is
not read into every situation
until i feel like ****
if i could just not think
i'd do it without a thought
but i can't so that why i think
everyone would be better off
if i grew a set of *****
and put an end to it all

youcancallmesierra Feb 2021

deep running

let's talk about something else
just won't bring it up anymore
you get mad that i can't just be better
i start to feel like a chore
and i already have to fight myself everyday
to bring myself to go to you
when every part of me says
you're sick of me too

youcancallmesierra Feb 2021

a little more than that

they say you deserve love
even if you've experienced trauma
and react in horrid ways because of it
i'm sorry that it's hard to believe anyone would love me
after all that i've been through
and even now that's still how i feel
i will never be someone's favorite person
or first choice
or second
or third
unless i've got something to give
i'm a last resort
don't tell me that's not true
because you do it too
don't tell me to feel better
and think it'll work just because you said so
your words mean so much
and so little at the same time

youcancallmesierra Feb 2021

foolish little girl

i beg to be seen
i die to feel loved
i cut into myself to find out
why i never seem to be enough
i wait for those
who leave me behind
naively thinking they'll keep their promise
cause i kept mine

youcancallmesierra Feb 2021

F-

been dying
slowing to a stop
i'm trying
but you tell me i'm not
like you know
everything there is
you just don't
get it
you judge me
for dying
reprimand me
for crying
when all
i need
is you
to see

how close i am to just giving up