not a first choice
but why would i be
i'm flawed and disordered
got low self esteem
depressed as ****
cocktail of anxieties
who'd wanna be
caught dead with me
put strain on every relationship
in my vicinity

it's almost as if
i do it on purpose
people must think
i like feeling worthless
if its any consolation
i'm having a horrible time as well
if you find it exhausting
how much i hate myself
imagine actually being me
living is ******* hell

wouldn't it be great
if i could take life as it is
not read into every situation
until i feel like ****
if i could just not think
i'd do it without a thought
but i can't so that why i think
everyone would be better off
if i grew a set of *****
and put an end to it all

let's talk about something else
just won't bring it up anymore
you get mad that i can't just be better
i start to feel like a chore
and i already have to fight myself everyday
to bring myself to go to you
when every part of me says
you're sick of me too

they say you deserve love
even if you've experienced trauma
and react in horrid ways because of it
i'm sorry that it's hard to believe anyone would love me
after all that i've been through
and even now that's still how i feel
i will never be someone's favorite person
or first choice
or second
or third
unless i've got something to give
i'm a last resort
don't tell me that's not true
because you do it too
don't tell me to feel better
and think it'll work just because you said so
your words mean so much
and so little at the same time

i beg to be seen
i die to feel loved
i cut into myself to find out
why i never seem to be enough
i wait for those
who leave me behind
naively thinking they'll keep their promise
cause i kept mine

been dying
slowing to a stop
i'm trying
but you tell me i'm not
like you know
everything there is
you just don't
get it
you judge me
for dying
reprimand me
for crying
when all
i need
is you
to see

how close i am to just giving up

don't wanna be
the girl who changed her mind
the stereotype
i don't even love another guy
i just dont love you

at first
it all was going fine
but you changed overnight
you stopped treating me right
what was i supposed to do

i tried to
be there for you
but you didn't want me to
tried to pretend we were cool
but **** was falling apart

i started
to lose patience too
and get numb towards you
acknowledging the issues
and how broken i felt in my heart

you're not
some villain or the worst
you just don't know how to use your words
or only use the ones that hurt
and i still don't wanna fight you

it's not about
seeing you hurt
but i'm past making this work
i know what i deserve
done trying to find you