do you mean what you say
or are you just pulling strings?
i'm a ball of twine
unwinding me would take an eternity

have you ever just wanted to drown
in the emotions you're choking on anyway
everywhere you turn there's a complication
you can't just abandon life
but you don't want to face
all of the issues around you
don't feel the need to experience all of that pain
but it's not a choice
you get to make
to the misery
you must subjugate
in this moment
this life
you are its slave
they ache
for your failure
and its your tears that they crave
bitter salt for a bitter world
is it black or white
can you be wrong and right
so confused and gray
where ever one must choose a side
you linger
you sway
either choice could do you in
that's why you're afraid
to make up your mind
to just be let down
it doesn't matter anyway
we're all just blips
in the history of earth
another person with opinions
another corpse rotting in a grave
years from now
none of this will matter
no one will care what you did
much less about you
they won't even remember your name
but still it hurts to exist
in this moment
considering all of the mistakes
you are bound to make

****** it up
done ****** it up
i'd ask you to say sorry
but i've heard enough
i'd ask for comfort
but comfort isn't love
and you ****** it up
you hurt me and that's the last
time i will let you in no matter
how many times you ask
have to focus on my future
let go of my past
so if you try to approach me
understand why i'm gonna
have to pass
because i don't need the drama
or the lies
or the tears
find a place to go
cause i don't want you here
i was so ******* generous
but i've had it up to here
i can't keep asking myself
the same questions
in the mirror
like if you really loved me
or were you just pulling strings
was it something i did?
say?
think?
is there something wrong with me?
maybe if i changed this
you would think i was ****
oh
the ways you made me feel were so unhealthy
made me hate myself
for not living your lie
for not being able to satisfy
for being hurt
for wanting to cry
i hated everything that made me doubt you disguise
like those times at night
when i couldn't breathe
even though you were right next me
when i'd look at you
but you'd look through me
or when you held me
but i still felt empty
those were the signs
so blatant and twisted
too bent
they hurt to know
so i ignored them
but i now know better
than to do that again

holding you
so close
i breathe
and you hear my thoughts
as your heartbeat
escapes your chest
and transforms to
a shimmery feeling
just below my fingertips
so i pull you closer
breathing in your presence
feeling secure
muttering nonsense against you skin
so you laugh
so i laugh
and you say you love my smile
but i don't
so i turn away
but you turn me back
and you look at me
through me even
so i look back
and i smile
and i exhale
i let go
i lay my head on your chest
and we're back where we started
and i'm holding you
so close
i breathe
and you hear my thoughts

i love you too

i don't hate you
i hate the waiting
i loathe the seconds
that add to the minutes
we're wasting

i'm filled with dread
when the tic turns to toc
anxiety consuming me
as i count down
eyes glued to the clock

so afraid of missing a moment
i get lost in the passing of time
instead of focusing on
our happiness
i'm eager to protect mine

just watching the numbers grow
as if they're some sort of proof
but those numbers don't mean
a god ****** thing
if they don't involve you

this loneliness is eating at me
i crave human touch
cravings and all, with all of these liars
alone will have to be enough