Thank you for being there

when I fell

or when I swore I was done

when I cursed my own name

when I told you to leave me alone

when I wanted to leave home

when I formed scars on my wrist

when I made the wrong decision

But

thank you for being there

when I picked myself back up

when I said maybe I'll go on

when I praised the new day

when I begged you to stay

when I let the lines of hurt heal

even when I had said it's no big deal

thank you

for not letting me be

I build a wall of insecurities
That may never be crossed
Because if the wall is weakened
My feelings get tumbled and tossed

I never mean to put up guard
But I can’t help it sometimes
I’m afraid of getting hurt
When people start crossing lines

I never wanted to come off mean
I just put up my wall
I only end up hating myself
I never wanted to hurt you at all

I refuse to let anyone close
I’ll only push you away
If I ever seem bitter to you
It’s only because I’m afraid

My insecurities protect me
Or so it may seem to be
Because when my wall comes crumbling down
Nobodies hurt but me

I can’t stop crying this morning. You tell me you miss me but you change the subject too soon. I want you to force me to tell you how I feel about all of this and to linger on it until I’m purged of all this confusion. I want to lay down with you on this rainy morning and fall asleep next to you. I want you. Here. Right now. Because I know time can heal but I don’t want that to happen. I don’t want you to just remember me when our song plays or you see a picture of me. I want to be fossilized in your memory like the ceiling you wake up to every morning and fall asleep to every night. I want to be permanent.

sometimes, when I'm in a crowded place
and the voices just get too loud
I just wanna leave. in that moment of
panic
I wanna walk away
just turnaround walkaway
and never come back
go find a rock somewhere
in front of the ocean
and I wanna just sit there and smoke like
six cigarettes

but I never do
I just let my eyes cloud over
and cringe at the peak
of every over-rehearsed laugh

sometimes it gets so bad
I grind my teeth til my bones hurt
like, on the inside

like when my dad told me today
"you know, you should try making more eye contact with people"
and I nearly lost it
I swear my teeth are still humming
and I try to tell him why without crying
and he doesn't understand
and he keeps trying to catch my eye

don't try to help me
and for god's sake don't
please don't
try to ******* fix me