through the numbing pain -
i still feel you, everyday

please understand that i text you, not to annoy you; i only want you to know that i'm still here,

even if you make it feel like i am not

for making you believe in forever
when i didn't even know what it meant.

i hate listening to the songs we used to sing,
songs that engraved a memory of you in my mind

but in the end, i'd still end up listening to them
because that's the closest you'll ever be,
now that you are not here with me;

the closest memory that i'll have of you.

it's half past midnight
and i'm still wide awake
i can't seem to remember
how much time it takes
for me to fall into slumber
through the dead of night
without your number
waking up my phone
before we doze off
and sleep tight

it just doesn't feel right

how do you walk away from something that's been a part of you for so long?

or do you even walk away at all?

he always had a lot to say
babble on for hours

but maybe, it's because
he was always longing for
someone to talk to

so, when given the chance
he would not make waste of it
and would use the opportunity
as if it was his last, always

remember when you said
"i may not promise you anything, but i want you to believe"?

because i do.

and right now,
i may not be promising, but i want you to believe.

i'm sorry if i always seem too eager to see you
or if i always seem too happy to be near you
or if i always present myself to do things for you

it's just that now that i am no longer what i used to be to you
i never want to waste what could be the last moment i'd share with you,
before i'd completely be just another person you once knew

but even before and after then,
i still want you to feel that i love you, and i'd still do anything for you-
because i do.

every time that i dream of you
inside, i never wanted to wake up
because it was always the only time
that i get to see, hold, and feel you

but still, i choose to do so
because i still have to face each morning
waiting and praying for the real you

as the void in my soul
pulls me towards its center
with both hands tied together,
i can't seem to remember the last time i held yours
and it seems that forever has passed by
no— it's been an eternity
since mine last held grasp of your soul
and had conversations with the billions of pieces
that make it up—
tiny bits of your identity
i once all knew

now?
i don't seem to know whether they're still part of you—
or has your soul been shattered too much
that more pieces have made their presence
making up the very essence of you
that mine lost the opportunity to touch

what i do know
every piece that make up your soul
is part of a perfectly-fitted-never-ending puzzle—
an ever-evolving beautiful masterpiece
no one could ever take apart

i used to think that i was good with directions-
but why am i lost and can't find my place in you

tears speak multitudes of words i wish i had the courage to say

or maybe these tears speak a multitude of words i wanted to say, yet i don't want to bother you by constantly telling you that i miss you

just when i thought that my wells have dried up- buckets fill as i pull them back up

underneath the borrowed light of borrowed time
wide awake in a sleeping town
of what used to be a garden of words;

from the silence we made sentences
of the things we promised to never forget

outstretched in the horizon,
an empty sight,
an empty site,
an empty skeleton we once considered our home–

not the ones we grew up in,

but the one we grew up in

filled with all the half-hearted dreams
we screamed silently to the top of our lungs,
so as to not disturb the sleeping sun
so as to not be heard by the eavesdropping wind,

because somehow we always knew-
by the moment the sun wakes up to reclaim its lent light and time
by the moment the wind blows all the secrets it couldn't keep,
from what used to be vibrant yellow petals-
turned to seeds of white and gray,
our dandelion dreams shall be carried away

and so do our forgotten promises

it's one of those nights when sweet dreams turn to salty tears

i'd do anything for you, use me as you will-
i only wished i had the same will to use myself, still

seeing you was like coming home from a long day of work

but in my case it's coming home from a whole semester's worth

I asked you for a second,
you gave me a minute of silence;
and with each passing tick of the clock,
my heart gets used to the violence

I asked you for a day,
you gave me a week of darkness;
and with each passing day and night,
my heart gets used to the emptiness

I asked you for a month,
you gave me a year of slumber;
and with each and every passing season,
my heart gets used to the fire.

If I asked you for a century;
will you give me a lifetime of misery?
Or with each passing millennia;
you'll let my heart, get used to the dementia.

i gave you company
i gave you things you never even knew you wanted
but you still accepted them as if you knew that i would have given you anything if it meant the world to you;

and you were right

i gave you my company
i gave you comfort through every moment life has mistreated you
away from all the unnecessary pain, stress, and heartbreaks

and i was alright

or so i thought...

i gave you company and i gave you things you never even knew you wanted
i gave you comfort through every moment life has mistreated you

i gave you company and comfort through the cold harsh night

but as soon as the first sight of light in the morning embraced your face
the moment you opened your eyes...

i ceased to exist to you,
as if i was a dream you had last night
but soon forgot in the morning...

whenever i try to sleep past midnight
i always get a call that would keep me up

it's from sadness

asking if i am okay
i'll tell how it went- the rest of my day
and sadness would listen,
sadness would stay

but i usually keep our conversation short
not any more than an hour or past two,
because if it kept going,
and the more time passes by
the more time for regret to arrive
and would want to talk to me too

i hate that in a crowd of people, i frantically look for your familiar face
no matter how small the probability of that happening is

but i would still love to see it

i keep asking,
when will i ever see you?

perhaps i should ask first if,
you'd like to see me too?

i like to believe that i rarely think of you
but my dreams always prove me otherwise