I hate myself
No really, I mean it.
I know you don't believe me for how often that I say it
But I'm stuck with my thoughts who claim it.

They tell me I'm not good enough
Too stupid to think
Go ahead grab another drink
and forget who you are cos you know you won't get very far
With this disease that has consumed you.
But this can't be diagnosed
And there's no cure to be found
So go on and tell yourself just how weak you are
Cos it's all in your head
When you say you want to be dead.

They call it self-loathing, and it's the greatest fear I've know
The darkest spots my mind takes me to
Why are all the artists the sad ones?
We feel your pain and then create
While carrying the burden of our own.

I shouldn't have said anything
No one listens to an artist for they have nothing to say
A poet rambles while general discourse fill the spaces
And I am left alone in my head
With the original thought that prompted this piece
I wished I was dead.

Loving him is so **** hard
When I don’t know what we are anymore
I wish that we could go from the start
When everything was free and fun.

Smoking till I couldn’t walk
Lying in the car with him
As we waited for the others
The days when I was his doll
And everything I did he thought was adorable.

Now all that is abondoned
I want to regard him with contempt
But I can’t
I am not that way
And I hope that he is not either
But I never knew him so I can’t tell

I just want to talk to him
Have him answer my many questions
Tell me why he left
But he never will and I will never know
I will never be able to talk to him
never get the answers from him
No matter how much I implore
He will never talk to me again.

He will talk to her from now on
And never to me
But I understand and accept this pain
It’s better to have her happy than me
I was born to suffer in order to allow other’s happiness
They are happy
And I am not
And that is how it is supposed to be
And that is how it will always be
As a healer I must be the sufferer to know how to heal others
And I am learning that I was never meant to have him
He was a lesson that strengthened my belief
That I’m destined for solitude and exempt from intimacy

I’ve had but only one experience with romantic love. For a flirting moment I felt that someone was interested in a deeper relationship. But I don’t know if that can be true or not, because I will never be able to ask him. Whatever it was that we had was so carelessly taken from me, so spitefully placed out of my reach, and out of my sight, and hopefully soon to be out of my mind. But he couldn’t leave my mind alone. The thought of him would loom over me, I could feel the presence of pain behind me. Memories of him loomed like his gigantic shadow.. a shadow looming over me.. such as he did on our last encounter. He was so cordial then, and gave me the warm pleasantness of his embrace. I was very glad to see him, for things between us had been distant for the past weeks. He called me doll like he always used to, and things felt as if they were the same as before, as though nothing had changed. Very little did I know that the following morning I would be struck with the bitter news. I was so foolish to have not realized what I saw with my eyes on the previous day, and too bemused to say much of anything to him upon hearing. Our relationship had unexpectedly come to an end. I felt as though he had died, when all that happened was he left me to pursue another. Within one month I experienced emotions that I thought I never would. I loved, then cried, then loved again, then cried again. Within just one month one person gave me a new experience, a new feeling, that no one has ever done before. He made me feel some way. I don’t know how to put it into words. It is a very challenging and bothersome thing, when you can’t put something into words. In most cases, I am able to conjure at least a sentence to describe my emotions. However, whatever feeling he gave me was beyond my vocabulary. But now he’s gone, removed from my life, and I’m left with the memories. I abandon any feelings I once had of him, and work everyday to relinquish the idea of what we were. I was in love with the idea of us, even though I never knew what we were. If I think about it, we never were much to begin with, and what it was in the beginning is hard to label. The only conclusion that I can draw from my experience is the one word I have tried to avoid my whole life, out of fear for it ending as this experience has; love.

Here we are
We have finally made it
At this fine hour we cross over
We are no longer part of the group known as minors
Now in the state's eyes we are “adults”
But are we really ?
No, we are not.
I cannot possibly feel like an adult for I can not behave like one
People still say “hey kid”
People deny me from buying my own cigarettes
But if I'm still a kid then why am I working as hard as my parents?
Why am I living on my own in my mother's home?
Why am I allowed to enjoy other people but not enjoy a smoke once in awhile?
Why am I able to give my life for this country but not buy a drink?
If we sit here and think
About what it means to be eighteen
We soon we will see
That there really is no meaning.

I know that we are distant now,
and though we may no longer exchange words,
I am content with that
because I realised
early on in our relationship
that you were never mine to lose.

They admonished me, but I wanted
to experience myself, and perhaps
prove them wrong of their assumptions.
However, I instead proved myself to be at fault,
by chasing the indecorous,
and resulting in my own gaffe.

An atrocious blunder not worth the time
that was dedicated from the outside
to somehow benefit her strife
Instead she came to realise
that no one was ever hers to lose
for she never had anyone to gain.

I’m doing everything I can
To cling to the love we had
I’m writing like I’ve never written before
In many forms,
Through these writings
I am learning how to be alone again.
When we were one
Your love distracted me from words
All the things I felt for you
All the things I could’ve written about
I couldn’t
My words were stuck in the things I did
For you.

They tell me
That I don’t need you
And I know that this
is very true
But I can’t seem to get rid of you

You are vile
for deceiving me
I thought I believed
The things you said
But in the end
I was dismayed
To learn that all your words
Were merely lies
And I wonder why
You said the things you did

For some reason
I feel that I
Need you there to tell me
Of my beauty
For I’ve always felt
Condemned to solitude
And malignant intimacy.