When I saw the rush of red
I panicked
sobered up
Ambien no longer had its sleepy hands around my throat
I threw my silver knight against the shower wall
Ran out shivering and naked into the hallway
Dripping life force
I made the mistake of telling someone
Because only the next day in the white four walled cell containing me
Did I realize how much I wanted to no longer exist
I laid in bed for three days on and off crying and shaking
Finally got released
To an even more cold family
Even more estranged from everyone I know
And everyone that thought they knew me
I act happy jump threw your hoops
Make sure I seem back to normal
And every night go to bed
praying to not wake up in this life

its all my fault
thats all ive ever known.
i did this to myself.
i *deserved what happened.
i did this to myself.
its all my fault
thats all ive ever known.
i deserved what happened.

he deserves to be their favorite.
who cares if i make honor roll or
become president of every club
or becoming every teachers *******
(being a smart student, not the hot kind.)
or being respected or listening to my parents
or smiling even when im dying inside.
none of it matters,
because im the last choice between
you and i.

i always am and always will be.

I didn't realize it at the time
as I watched her pluck the rose petals
and simply reply "He loves me"
with each one
how easy it was for her
to destroy something beautiful
for no reason at all
and I fear one day she will succeed
at doing so to herself.

Pour a shot of your love,
I'll take it in one gulp.
Lying on the kitchen floor
with my stomach bursting
I swear I love you.

I don't want
my life
to be the worst joke in all of history.
I just want
you
to spend the rest of your days living with me.
We could build
a house
a pretty little cottage right by the sea.
We'll spend
our days
taking walks on the beach and kissing tenderly.
We won't fret
or fight
over the petty little things, we'll live comfortably.
And at the end
of the day
we'll lie in bed, let the night rot away,
while we,
kiss
and laugh
at all the things that troubled us so long before
we met
and loved
and began our lives.
At the end
of our lives
we'll sing each other to sleep, so softly.

It's like falling into a spider web.
The more you struggle,
the harder it is.

Doctors won't help you.
They'll just give you drugs
that take away the anxiety,
but bring your emotions along with it.

Friends will try and help.
But they can only do so much
before they tell you to get over yourself
and to stop being a baby.

So you'll stay at home,
and smoke your cigarettes
and bite your nails
and take shallow breaths.

All you want
is someone
to put their hand on your shoulder.
To be patient.
To understand,
to kiss you goodnight,
and ruffle your hair in the morning.
All you want is someone to whisper in your ear louder than anxiety already does.

Sitting in the sand,
watching the waves come rolling in.
The night is young,
but I am old and broken.

Lost in thought,
sitting on the sandy shore.
Staring at the full moon,
thinking their must be something more.

I'm waiting for hope but the tide is rising,
the waves will soon swallow me whole.
And when waves crash over my head and **** me out to sea,
I will be home.

The moon reflects,
on the water beneath it.
The ocean will,
give peace to all who seek it.

The chilling water,
slowly creeps it's way up the shore.
Dragging down,
rocks and sand to the ocean floor.

I'm waiting for hope but the tide is rising,
the waves will soon swallow me whole.
And when waves crash over my head and **** me out to sea,
I will be home.

The world was much easier,
when I had you in my arms.
I made a promise to you,
I'd protect you from all harm.

I never thought the ocean,
could bring out such emotion.
That was until I lost you,
to the ocean blue.

So please,
take me.
Please,
take me.

I look at my mother
my father
photos of grandparents
****** structures change
clothes
hair

but the eyes
are always the
same.
sad.

but strong.

it makes me think,
is my crave for the blade genetic?
is my darkening depression
running through my veins?
am I fated to be this way forever
by the DNA I've been given?

and if that is so

if all the bad in me is just
genetic makeup
is the good in me the same thing?
the kindness
friendliness
all just programmed
into my mind?
am I nothing more than
an unbalanced
unfortunate
bag of chemicals?
can we find the strength
to diminish the bad
part of human instinct
or were some of us born
to fight a never ending war
of self destruction?
do we even have a choice?